What did you do?
A/N: This is for Paris. We always come up with little scenarios like this, and well, I guess I just had to write it down.
Warning: Note that this is a parody, so that means that there is EXTREME OOCness ahead. Read at your own risk. You have been warned.
Warning: Okay, I don'tquite remember how Injustice For all went...it's been a while since I've seen the episode, but I'm pretty sure, it went something like this...
At least, in my mind. o.o and I already told you it's OOC, so I don't wanna hear about how 'out of character' everybody is. Meh.
Joker looked over at Lex. "If you want my advice, you should kill him now. Don't wait."
Luther scoffed. "He's not escaping." Looking over at his minions, he had to fight not to roll his eyes. Even though the Batman was locked inside titanium bars, they still wouldn't get close to him.
"There's Titanium bars holding him there people!"
They didn't look satisfied. In fact, that only made them look more nervous.
"Argh... Shade, you and Cheetah take the first watch."
The two villains glanced over at The Batman, and began trembling. "Yeah...okay."
And even though, Batman knew he shouldn't...that it would only make things worse...he couldn't help it. Seeing those two villains tremble before him, a mere 'defenseless' human, was kind of...humorous. So...he smiled.
Sapphire gaped. Seeing the Batman smile was unnerving. One would think that seeing said Bat-creature smile would make him seem more friendly. But noooooo. There were rumors about how when someone saw the Batman smile, it would be their last sight before they croaked.
And there he was, smiling.
"OH MY GOD HE SMILED!!!!"
Batman blinked. And?
Lex seemed to know something secret about smiles, because he turned around, his eyes wide. "WHAT?!"
Shade nodded in agreement. "I saw him! He smiled!"
Luthor narrowed his eyes over towards Batman, who blinked, again. "Did you smile?"
"OH MY GOD HE SMILED AND NOW HE'S LYING ABOUT IT!"
Cheetah paled. Even though you couldn't really see it, since she was like...covered in fur, but still...she paled.
The-Bald-Archvillain-of-Superman felt fear pass through him. "YOU SMI--WHY DID YOU SMILE?!?!?"
Batman glanced over towards Joker, who seemed just as perplexed as he was. "Uh...Just...because."
"WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!"
"I didn't do anything."
They looked over towards the Joker, who was looking at them like theywere the ones who were crazy, and Lex forced himself to relax. After all, nobody knew how the Bat's mind worked better than the Joker, right? And if Joker was calm, that meant that everything was okay. "You try something like that again, and I'll be forced to kill you."
"But I didn't DO anything!"
"YOU SMILED!" Sapphire pointed a finger at him accusingly.
He sighed. "You got me. I smiled. Lock me up and throw away the--oh wait."
They didn't seem to see the humor in the situation and left him alone with Grundy and Ultra-Humanite, who'd been silent during the whole ordeal.
Ultra-Humanite scoffed. "Those fools getting so worked up over a smile. Honestly."
Batman sighed in relief. At least he wouldn't have to worry about Ultra-Humanite going crazy. The seconds passed, until...Batman felt something itching his throat.
He knew it was unwise to tempt fate...so he tried to fight it. Really, he did. But his throat was itching like crazy, and before he knew it, it happened.
Ultra-humanite tightened his grip on the newspaper he was reading. He shouldn't worry. Those were titanium bars...no way he could get out.
He was just a human.
Just a human that had taken out how many villains? The man was very intelligent. And very crafty.
His eyes narrowed. No human could possibly have to clear their throat that many times. Narrowed eyes widened. Unless...
Batman let out one more :ahem: as he finally felt his throat clear. He sighed in relief. It had been really bugging him. Maybe he could ask Grundy to get him some water...
"And just what do you think you're doing?" Came Ultra-humanite's cool voice.
Batman just looked at him. "Doing...?"
"YES! WHAT DID YOU DO JUST NOW?!?!!"
Oh for the love of... "I believe, I was clearing my throat."
"AHAH! SO YOU ADMIT IT!" Ultra-Humanite threw down his paper, his eyes wild. "IT WAS A SIGNAL WASN'T IT?!!?"
"..." What's he...oh... "No."
Ultra-Humanite relaxed for a few seconds, before something occurred to him. "YOU PAUSED! WHY DID YOU PAUSE?!!"
"...I didn't pause...did I?"
The gorilla stormed over towards Batman, breathing harshly. He'd be damned if he'd let the Batman make a fool out of him!
"The signal. What was it?"
"There wasn't a signal!"
"Is Superman going to be crashing through the walls at any minute?!"
"THERE'S NO SIGNAL!"
"I have to tell Lex."
Batman gaped as he watched the gorilla practically run from the room. "LEX! HE'S SENT A SIGNAL!!!"
"There's NO signal!"
Lex came down, with Shade, Sapphire, Cheetah and Ultra-Humanite following close by. They made sure, however, to stand all directly behind Luthor.
"What's this I hear about a signal?"
Batman leaned tilted his head back in exasperation. "There's no signal."
"When's he coming?!"
"NO ONE'S COMING! Well...eventually, yes, they'll come...but---"
"SO THERE IS A SIGNAL! WHEN?!?!" Lex screeched.
"I don't know." Batman whispered. Maybe it was best if he played along. They seemed to get angrier the more he tried to deny it. "It...fell through."
All the villains relaxed at that. "Ah...well...good. Joker!"
The clown appeared out of nowhere, his red lips stretched into a wide smile. "Yessss?"
"BUT OF COURSE LEXY!"
They left, leaving the clown and Batman alone. Joker grinned, cocking his gun and pointing it towards Batman, who was still looking up towards the ceiling. "I'm going to kill you Batsy!"
He expected to receive a Bat-glare, or for Batman to throw something (even though, he was in restraints...) or something that would start their usual game of cat-and-mouse.
"Uh...Batsy??? Did you fall asleep?"
"Can I cough?"
He almost dropped his gun. "What?"
"I have to cough."
"I just wanted to let you know."
"It's just a regular cough."
"I'm sure it is."
"I'm not planning anything."
"I'm not sending any signals, or gloating or bragging about something I may or may not have done. It's just a cough."
"Are you okay?"
"I just want to cough."
"Go for it."
So the Batman coughed. And no one panicked. And he spent the next thirty seconds of his life, coughing his lungs up, happy that no one would start screaming at him.
Silence returned, and Joker, sensing that Batman was three steps away from breaking down in tears (which wasn't cool. He could barely handle HARLEY when she cried. How was he supposed to handle a Batman?!), reluctantly lowered his gun.
"He's fine. How's what's-her-face?"
"She's fine. I'm thinking about replacing her."
Lex and the others returned, all breathing hard. "JOKER! YOU BETTER NOT HAVE KILLED HIM!"
Joker grinned, the gun still in his hand. "Now Lexy, would I do that?"
"Step away from him, now!"
And so the clown did, and for the first time in his life, Batman wished it was the Joker watching over him instead of whoever it was to be next. "Thanks for the cough."
They were both surprised when Lex and the others all chose to sit down.
"What is this?"
Shades shrugged. "We decided it would be easier if we all kept an eye on you. That way, you won't be able to do anything suspicious. And when Superman and the other's come, we'll all be here to take them down."
Batman sighed. "Fine. Whatever. Grundy, can you get me some water?"
Ultra-Humanite's eyes narrowed as he watched Batman sip out of the cup. Evidently, Lex had the same idea, for he soon pointed his weapon at Batman, shouting, "Don't move a muscle!"
Batman blinked. What had he done now?
"You were planning on spitting that up into the force-field and making it short out weren't you?!"
Well, actually, I was just planning on drinking it...but that could work too.
Unfortunately, Luthor was watching him very closely. "Swallow."
Damn. He did so, rolling his eyes when Luthor even demanded that he open his mouth to show him.
That was, until Batman sniffed. Damn, first the smiling, then the clearing of the throat, followed by coughing, and now sniffling. Maybe he was coming down with a cold?
He sniffed again. Maybe he could ask Lex for a tissue...
This time, they noticed though. At first, they thought it was just a sniff. But when he sniffed again and then a third time, they just knew something had to be up.
"WHAT WAS THAT?!?!" Sapphire yelled.
Batman paled. "Nothing!"
Cheetah gasped. "YOU POISONED THE AIR DIDN'T YOU?!?!"
Ultra-humanite glared. "It must have happened when we turned our backs to him."
Batman gaped. Yeah, they'd turned their backs on him. For like, two seconds. Surely, they didn't think him capable of escaping his restraints, planting the toxins in the ventilation system, and getting back into his restraints, in that amount of time?
"I'm just...gonna stop breathing now." Yes. Death was the only way to escape this insane hell-hole.
"OH NO! IF WE HAVE TO DIE THEN SO DO YOU!!!!"
So now they believed that he didn't need to breathe in order to live. Lovely.
"FOR THE LAST TIME, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!!" Batman growled over towards Sapphire, who quickly hid behind Grundy. It was her fault they were all screeching at him again. She'd been the one to point out his sniffing. "Sapphire! WHEN I GET OUT OF THIS THING, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! DON'T THINK I WON'T DO IT!"
The others, however, were more worried about the air they were breathing. "I have some masks upstairs." Lex stated. "Of course, the toxin could have already made it's way upstairs by now..."
While they conversed on how to save themselves from the toxin (minus Joker, who was laughing the entire time. No wonder Batman looked ready to break down.), Batman just kept his eyes firmly on the ceiling.
If he didn't look at them, they would eventually disappear and leave him the hell alone.
"You know, I bet Superman never has to deal with this shit. He can cough and sniff all he wants, and no body tells him anything. You never see them freaking out whenever he smiles. Hell, he could threaten to kill us all, hold us alllll at gun point, and he would still be as cute as a fucking button."
Batman sighed as they started closing the vents. "These people are crazy."
Joker snorted. "Tell me about it."
Of course, Superman chosenow to crash through the building, sending all the villains into a frenzy, as they started shouting about signals and air toxins.
Flash glanced over towards Batman, his eyes wide. "You poisoned the air?"
"You're not real." Batman stated, his eyes still on the ceiling. "You don't exist."
Okay, they certainty hadn't been expecting that reaction. "What?"
"I'm not talking to you. Go away."
GL sent a glance over towards Hawk Girl, who looked just as perplexed as he was. "Are...you...okay?"
They released him, and thesecond he was free, he lunged towards Flash, who let out a girly shriek and dove out of the way, only to be embarrassed as he realized Batman was going towards Sapphire.
Batman snarled as Wonder Woman knocked her down before he could even land one punch. "DID YOU KILL HER?!?"
She frowned. "Of course I didn't Ba--WOAH!" Did Batman just shove her out of the way?
He went to beat the crap out of the Villainess, when Wonder Woman grabbed his hand. "Uh..Batman?"
He's...scary...when...he's...whatever he is. "She's...subdued."
A blank look. "I know."
"No longer dangerous."
"I know. I'm killing her anyway."
A peeved look. "KILLING. It's what you DO to people who are too STUPID to live. KILLING.Where, am I losing you?"
J'onn stared at him. "Why are you trying to kill her?"
"SHE ACCUSED ME!!!"
They gave each other unsure looks, mentally debating if they should knock him out and take him to Alfred, or Arkham. "Uh..."
Needless to say, they were quite shocked when Sapphire started shaking. "I'm sorry! I'll never accuse you of sniffing again! Next time you sniff, I'll stay quiet! Honest!"
He stared down at her, his hand still clutching his bat-a-rang. "And if I smile?"
"MUMS THE WORD!"
Sighing, he put his weapon up. "Fine. I'll let you live. But just this once!"
The poor villain passed out in relief, leaving the Justice League to stare at Batman, who stiffened the moment Superman joined them. "Okay, that's all of the--"
"YOU." Batman bit out, marching over towards the Big-Blue-Boy scout, who began backing away at seeing the snarl on the Dark Knight's face. "Uh..."
"You. You're just as cute as a button aren't you?!!?"
Superman blinked. "Uh...well...I've never gotten any com--are you okay?"
Was it his imagination or was Batman sniffing? "No."
"What did you do?"
"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING GODDAMNIT!!!"
All the leaguers watched in dismay as Batman plopped down on the ground, and proceeded to bawl his eyes out.
They stood there awkwardly, not really sure what to do. In all their training, they never really covered What-To-Do-If-Batman-Cries 101. And after this incident passed, and they decided to never EVER speak of it again, they probably never would-- because what were the fucking odds now?
Flash hesitantly edged closer towards Batman. "Hey...now...don't cry...everything's going to be a-okay..." He let out a yelp as Batman grabbed him by the front of his costume.
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I SMILED! THAT'S BAD! I SEND SIGNALS WHENEVER I CLEAR MY THROAT! AND THEN I TRIED TO DRINK WATER, WHICH IS BAD! I DON'T NEED AIR TO BREATHE! I CAN MOVE FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT IN TWO SECONDS! THE CEILING IS MY FRIEND!"
The fastest man alive whimpered as his life flashed before his eyes, paralyzed with fear.
GL narrowed his eyes, his ring sparking with energy. "Batman, let him go."
The Dark Knight did so, now back to weeping.
Hawk Girl shifted uneasily from foot to foot. "Is there...anything we can do to make you stop crying?"
The news reporters would be there soon, and there would be hell to pay if Batman saw himself on the news, bawling like a three-year-old.
"I want...I WANT ALFRED!!!"
Wonder Woman bit back a giggle, realizing that was Batman's equivalent of calling for his 'mommy'. She knew it was low of her to laugh, that he'd obviously been put through some sort of trauma, evident by his ramble, but seeing the big bad Batman yelling for Alfred...
Then those white slits turned towards her, and all laughter left. "You wanna take Sapphire's place?!"
Superman glared over towards Luthor, who was just starting to regain consciousness. "What did you do to him?!
"Me?! HE'S the one who smiled, and then sent SIGNALS for you! And then the air. That's how you found us, isn't it?!"
Kal-El blinked. "With the...air...? Uh...I flew...if that's what you mean...but...uh..."
"SO IT WAS THE SIGNAL!!!!!"
J'onn looked at Batman. "You sent a signal?"
"NO." The growl was so dark and full of ill intent, it caused all of them to shiver.
At seeing Luthor go into one of his rants, Superman quickly knocked him out, before turning to J'onn. "Is Batman okay???"
The Martian nodded. "All he needs is a good night's rest."
"Okay." Superman walked to where Batman sat. "Come on B, I'll take you--"
"STAY AWAY BUTTON!!!"
"So now I'm a button. Great."
Hawk Girl smirked. "Hey, look on the bright side. At least he thinks you're cute."
Alfred Pennyworth looked down at the Dark Knight, who now had his arms wrapped tightly around his waist, and was either trying to crush his spine...or very veryhappy to see him.
He looked up at Superman, who was scratching his head sheepishly. "Uh...he was held captive...and...something happened...and uh...he thinks I'm a button."
The butler raised an eyebrow. "I see." He turned his attention towards Batman, who was rambling about ceilings. "Come along, Master Bruce, I'll make you some hot cocoa, and you can tell me all about it."
"With lots of marsh mellows?"
"But of course."
"Okay. You see, it all started when I smiled...and then it just went downhill from there..."
You were warned...
And no, you cannot get the five minutes of your life back. Sorry. THEY'RE ALL MINE!!! BWAHAHHAHAAAA!!!