Apologies for lateness. But here's the next chapter. Thanks for all the fantastic smiles to DONIMA, HANNAH-ACKLES(MY DAUGHTER'S NOT HAPPY WITH THAT NAME), AMETHYSTSIRI( I COULDN'T KILL EMMA), MDARKSPIRIT, SHAGALECKI(LOVE THE NAME), DRIFTERFANATIC, SAMMYLUVR83, JAYWINCHESTER, RHIANASTAR, SAMMYGIRL1963, CUDDYGIRL, MOLLIECLARK, CRIMINALLY CHARMED and anyone else I missed for sticking by me and continuing to read this story even through the delays. It means so much to me to have your support. I hope I keep you interesested. I needed atissue when I was writing this( not for that get your mind out the gutter). Let me know if you did too so I know i'm not
"My names 's your name?"
" Your dad is so cool."
"Do you want to play football."
" Have you seen that new girl."
" Hey Sam you're coming to my party right?"
" Sam can you help me with math?"
" Sam, Happy Birthday buddy."
" School trip next week."
" Look at this photo, can you believe we've all been friends for so long."
" Man them rides were cool."
" Hey Sam I think we're gonna kick butt at the match."
" DAD! Look out!"
Sam sits up in bed, sweat dripping down his face. Tears joining in the sweat. He takes some deep breaths closing his eye's to stop the tears. He uses the back of his sleeve to wipe his face. Taking another deep breath Sam opens his eye's and looks at his clock ' 5:39am'. He lays back down, staring a the ceiling. " I'm so Sorry." He whispers before pulling his sheet over his head and turning to his side. His uninjured leg pulling up to his chest.
Dean walks quietly down the hallway and stops when he reaches Sam's room. Taking a deep breath Dean raises his hand and knocks twice. "Sammy?" Dean leans in close to the door. Nothing. "Sammy it's me kiddo. Are you up?"
Sam pulls his duvet over his head and continues to be quiet.
" Come on kiddo. You've got physio today." Dean listens again. Getting no reply Dean turns the handle and opens the bedroom door. " Morning sunshine." He walks over to the window and pulls back the curtains. " I've got breakfast started. Can't start physio on an empty stomach." Giving the bundle of covers a quick glance Dean sighs. "Sam." He takes a step closer. " Sam." another step. "Sam." Still no reply. "That's it." Dean grabs the covers and pulls them of from Sam, smiling as hands lose their grip. "I'm not saying it again. You need to get up."
" Don't need to do anything." Sam reaches down to grab back to covers. " Stop it." Snarls Sam as they again dissapear. "Just leave me alone."
" No can do." Dean rubs a hand over his face. " You have to go today. If you want your knee to get better you have to.."
Sam stares at Dean. "What if I don't want it to get better?"
" You don't mean that?"
" Don't I?"
Dean draws in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. " Breakfast is ready when you get up and you are getting up." Dean picks the blue knee brace that's been thrown halfway across the room and dumps it at the side of Sam. " and put that on." He walks out the bedroom and pulls the door shut. Dean closes his eyes. "Come on kiddo please." He whispers to himself. Not hearing any movement he heads to the kitchen to finish breakfast and meet Bobby.
" Still refusing?" Bobby puts down his half empty coffee cup. Getting a small nod from Dean, Bobby stands away from the counter. " Let me go."
"Bobby." Dean looks at the older man." Don't. It's not his fault."
"Yes it is. He needs to get his head out of his arse and to physio. He's already missed two appointments."
"I know." Dean pours himself a cup of coffee before breaking two eggs into the frying pan." I know okay. I'm the one having to cancel his appointments. I'm the one watching him in pain. I'm the one who's....who's." He drops his head.
" You're the one what?"
Sighing Dean pushes the pan to the back of the cooker. " Whose fault it is he's hurt."
Bobby growls." Don't you dare. " He moves next to Dean. "You weren't the idiot driving that car. You didn't ask for the accident to happen. It wasn't your fault. Not your fault."
Dean spins on his heels. " I should have picked them up. But I was too busy doing what I wanted to do instead."
" You deserve some time to yourse..."
Dean shakes his head. " Don't go there."
" We've been through this a million times Dean."
Dean shakes his head again and turns back to cooking the eggs. Pulling the pan back and clicking on the gas. "How do you want them?" Getting no reply he looks over his shoulder the kitchen empty except for him.
Bobby pushes Sam's bedroom door open and heads straight for Sam's bed. He grabs the covers and hurls them off the bed to the corner of the room.
Startled Sam pushes up on his arms. "What the fuck!." He looks up to Bobby." Grampa Bobby. Give me back my covers."
"Up. Shower. Dressed and breakfast then physio."
"Already told dad no."
Bobby leans in close, making Sam lean back." I heard."
" Grampa Bobby I don't..."
" I don't care." He slices his hand through the air as Sam opens his mouth. "Shut it. " He ignores Sam's glare. " I don't know what you've been through personally. I don't know the pain that you've been through. I don't know how hard your trying to get on with life. But what I do know is that you lost someone close to you and it hurts so bad it's practically killing you inside. I know that you wish you could go back in time and change everything. I know " Bobby shoots a finger towards the door. "that your Daddy is trying the very best that he can to help you and I know for a fact that your Daddy is swallowing in his own guilt because he thinks,no believes, that everything that has happen is his fault and you acting like this is only making that fact true for himself." Staring at Sam a few seconds more Bobby moves back.
Sam uses the backs of his hands to wipe away the tears that have been falling. " I just can't."
Sam turns his head away and stares at the wall. " Because."
Bobby walks to the door. "I love you so much kiddo and I love your Daddy too but you need to grow up and start living your life again so your Daddy can you think Toby would want you to be like this. If I remember correctly he enjoyed life. He wouldn't want you giving up and your dad has never given up on you, at least try for that reason alone." Bobby walks out into the hallway and back to the kitchen. He finds Dean pushing his eggs around his plate. Another plate of eggs and bacon on the opposite side. " Thanks."
" You shouldn't have said all that to him." Dean slides a piece of bacon to the side with his fork.
Bobby nods once. " But I did. I didn't like it one bit." He picks up his own fork and starts to eat his eggs.
They sit in silence for a few minutes until a small voice speaks out." Is there any for me?"
Dean startles and drops his fork. He looks up to Sam leaning against the doorframe. Brace on his knee. Giving a small smile he stands and lays another plate at the table. " Toast?" He looks back at Sam.
Using one arm to hold the doorframe he pushes of the other side with the other. " Just eggs." He leans into Bobbys offered hand on his elbow and hops to the vacant chair.
" Glad you could make it." Bobby shoves a forkfull of eggs into his mouth.
Sam nods and groans as his knee knocks the table leg. " Shit."
"You okay?" Dean rushes to him and squats down to look where it hit.
Sam rubs below the brace. "No." He sniffs and rubs a finger across the top of his mouth.
Dean cups the side of Sam's face. " Okay." Dean takes it for what it is.
" Yeah." Sam closes his eyes briefly. "Eggs?"
Dean gives a small laugh." Yeah." He stands and moves back to the counter. Hearing a small whispered 'Dad' from behind him, he turns. "Yeah?"
" What time is physio?." Sam stares at Dean for a second before glancing at Bobby then back to his knee.
Later that morning
" Just give me one more push Sam."Joseph the physio rest his palm against the bottom of Sam's foot.
Giving a small grunt Sam pushes as hard as he can. Only making his leg shake with pain. " That's it."
Joseph eyes' Sam before letting go of his leg and laying it on the bed. " Okay." He goes to the sink to wash his hands. " It's going to take time. If you had come to the last sessions that were booked for you maybe we..."
"Would still be right where we are now."
" Well ain't we chipper?"
Sam lowers himself flat onto the bed, head resting on the pillow. " How about you have a damaged knee and be 'chipper'?"
Joseph sighs as he dries his hands. " How are things,other than your knee?"
Rolling his eye's Sam responds. " Swell."
Joseph takes a seat in the chair next to the bed. " Sounds fun."
" What ,are you a councilor aswell?"
" No. I just like to know my patients moods. You know, in-case they want to weep on my shoulder and drink tea."
Sam laughs and turns his head to face Joseph. " Funny guy."
" Thanks. Can you tell my wife that because she doesn't think I am." Joseph gives a small smile then takes a deep breath. " Really Sam, how are you?"
Sam bites his bottom lip and looks back up to the ceiling. " I don't know."
" Well you managed physio today."
Laughing Sam waggles a finger in the air. " Bossy,no" He widens his eye's ",mad Grampa."
" Ha." Joseph laughs. "They're the best."
Sam sighs and looks back at Joseph. His fingers play with the sheet underneath him. " Told me a few things. Made me think." He scrunches his face." Can I ask you a question?"
Joseph nods. " If you want to?"
"If you." Sam takes a quick deep breath before continuing. " If you had the chance to stop something happening, something that you thought would hurt you forever would you do it?"
" Would I change it if I could?"
Joseph looks down at his shoes before focusing back on Sam. "In a heartbeat."
Sam's studies Joseph, looking at his expression. " Something happen to you?" Seeing Joseph looking down Sam raises a hand. "Sorry. None of my business."
"It's okay." Joseph gives a small shake of his looks at his watch. "Times up. Is it worth booking another appointment for you?"
Sam nods. " Yeah. Can my dad come in now?"
" Sure, just need a quick chat." Joseph passes Sam his knee brace and walks to the door. " Sam?"
Sam looks away from his brace to Joseph.
" You're a good kid. We'll get there in the end. Remember to try some physio at home like I showed you." Getting a nod from Sam Joseph heads out looking for Dean.
Dean rises from his chair." How'd it go?"
" First time okay." Joseph motions to the seats and sits down with Dean. " Gave him some stuff to do at home. It's going to take a while but with hard work we'll get there. Can I ask you a question?"
Dean nods. " Go ahead."
" Has Sam seen a counselor since the accident?"
Dean shakes his head " No. The school had appointed one for the kids just after the funeral but Sam wouldn't go. Why, did he say something?"
" It's more of what he's not saying." Joseph raises a hand." I'm not trying to nudge my way in here but from what i've read in his file and from our first meeting just after the accident and from what i've seen in other patients I think it will do him good."
" I've tried." Dean rubs a hand across his lips. " Believe me i've tried. He just doesn't want to talk. Hell he's even ignored his girlfriend since the accident."
"The one he covered with himself?"
" Yeah. I just don't know, it's like he doesn't want to carry on. He just about makes conversation with me. He hides away when Emma comes or phones ,even the football team. "
" Dad." Sam's voice travels through the doorway a few feet away.
" Coming." Dean yells back." Thanks Joseph. Same time Thursday?"
Joseph nods and follows Dean back into the room. " Thursday eleven o'clock Sam. On the dot."
" Fine." Sam pulls one of the crutches 'hell sticks' under his arm and pushes himself up. " Can I go now?"
Dean laughs. " Yeah. Lets get you home." He passes the other crutch to Sam before giving a quick handshake to Joseph. "Thank you."
" It's my job." He smiles at Sam. " Even if patients don't turn up."
" Got the point." Sam braces himself and uses the crutches to walk out of the room. Dean following him. " Lunch."
Sam pulls a face as he tries moving on the back seat of the Impala. He sighs. " How long?"
" You've been moaning? Or Until your next meal?" Dean's eye's flick up to the rear view mirror. Seeing the eyeroll Dean shakes his head. " About ten minutes then you can get back to bed."
Sam leans back agaisnt the door. "Great."
" Joseph's a nice guy." Dean glances from the windshield to the rear-view mirror and back again.
" He's okay." Picking at a fingernail Sam gives a small smirk. " Pain in my knee kinda guy."
Dean laughs. " Nice." Taking a serious tone Dean continues. " Sam, I...I...." Dean swallows. " I was wondering if you've decided about seeing someone to talk too?"
" About what?"
" The accident."
Sam turns his head away to face the back of the car. " Don't want to talk to anyone. Nothing to talk about."
" Sam, I just think that it will do..."
" How long until we're home?"
Dean grips the steering wheel tight and works his jaw. " I just want to help Sammy. I love you and I can't stand seeing you upset."
Nudging himself down Sam lays his head agaisnt the cushioning of the back seat and closes his eyes." Dad."
Dean startles slightly by the sound. "Yeah?"
" I love you too.I know you're worried about me and I haven't exactly been easy, but you have to let me figure somethings out for myself first. I'll let you know when I have. I promise" Sam opens one eye to look at Dean.
Dean nods. " Okay. I'll be here always."
" I know." Sam closes his eye and relaxes.
Dean lets out a breath of relief. Of a small glimmer of hope. " Couple more minutes and we'll be home."
Later that evening
" Hey Dean ." Emma smiles as she enters the apartment. " How's things?"
Dean motions with his head for her to go to the main room. " With me? Fine." He takes a seat in the armchair. " With Sam? Getting there."
Emma nods, her fingers fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. " I know he doesn't want to talk to me I..."
Dean jumps in." His heads in a bad place. About everything ya know and his knee. He just...."
She gives Dean a quick smile." I know." She pulls an envelope our from her coat pocket. " I just wanted to drop this off." She holds it out to Dean.
Dean reads ' Samuel Connors' on the envelope. He takes it." What is it?"
" Some of us organised a meeting and." Emma sniffs and licks her lips. "we though it would be nice to have something to remember Toby by. So we're uh we're having a football match in a couple of weeks. Teachers against the team. It's going to be a fundraiser to help us get money for a.." Emma swallow a lump in her throat. " a plaque to put in front of the tree he liked to scratch his name into." She lets out a small laugh." As soon as his name started to disappear he'd trace over it again." A lone tear falls down her cheek. She quickly wipes it away.
Dean smiles. " Remember when he got detention for it. Sam said 'they're outter order', got his own detention for that remark. " Dean looks up at Emma.
" Yeah." Emma pulls her coat tighter around herself. " it's." She points to the envelope in Dean's hand." It's just a letter about what's going to happen at the match. If he wants to come." She licks her lips and stands. " I'd better go. Mum's expecting me home. It's a school night."
" Maybe you should give this to Sam before you go?" He holds out the envelope.
Emma shakes her head. " I'll wait for him to be him I miss him. Tell him I owe him my life and i'll wait." She walks past Dean and lets herself out.
Dean looks from the door to the envelope. " You can come out now. She's gone." Dean looks over his shoulder to see Sam emerging round the doorframe. " You could have said hello to her Sam."
Sam shakes his head. " Just wanted a glass of water." Using the furniture around him to balance Sam makes his way to the kitchen.
Following Dean keeps an arm out just in case he stumbles. " I know you don't want me to interfere but she's hurting too Sam." Dean watches Sam reaching for a glass, pausing for a second before grabbing one. " She needs you."
Sam turns on the cold tap and lets it run. " She's got her family."
" Sam come on man. This isn't like you."
Watching the water swirl down the plug hole Sam shrugs his shoulders.
" Dammit Sam. " Dean throws the envelope onto the kitchen table. " I just wish you would talk to me. I just wish you would trust me."
Sam turns of the tap and drops the glass into the sink." I do trust you dad." Sam lowers his head to his chest." Right now I don't trust myself."
" What's that supposed to mean?" Dean waits for a reply. Getting none he moves to stand next to Sam." Sammy?"
Sam draws in a deep breath. Letting it out slowly. " I'm going back to bed."
Dean stares at Sam for a while. Getting no response Dean sighs." Fine." He raises both hands up. He takes a few steps back. " I love you so much Sammy." Dean blinks to hold back the tears." More than you'll ever know and seeing you like this is killing me." Dean licks his lips." You're hurting and I get that. I do. But you're hurting people around you. People that love you Sam and I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to do." Dean lets out a small sob and a few tears roll down his cheeks. " I just want my little monkey back."
Sam looks at his reflection in the kitchen window. Not liking what he see's he lowers his head. A sob coming from his lips. He looks back up and see's deans reflection looking at him. He cracks." I'm no monkey." Sam turns his head to look at Dean. " I just want everthing to stop."
Dean slowly walks back to Sam." Tell me."
Sam fully turns to look at Dean. " I want the good times back. " Sam lets out a large sob. " I want to be able to phone Toby up and ask him about Math." Another large sob." "I want to look at Emma and not see Toby's blank eyes." He taps his head. "I want everything in here to stop. To stop repeating everything over and over." Sam stretches out his injured leg and slides to the floor. Pulling up his good knee and wrapping his arms around his head. "I want to not have to remember." He starts rocking back and forth." I want to forget what I did. I just want..." Sam heaves in a deep breath and lets it out with a cry.
Dean has moved closer and knelt on the floor while Sam was talking. His bottom lip is trembling, his cheeks wet with trails of tears. He pushes himself up onto bended knees and pulls Sam's wrapped head into in to arms agaisnt his chest." Let it out Sam." Dean rest his cheek onto of Sam's hands on his head." Let it all out. It's okay. It's okay." Dean pulls his head up as Sam moves his arms down and grabs Deans top.
" I wish I never knew. I wish I never knew." Sam pushes himself harder into Dean.
Dean bows his head to meet Sam's. He wraps his arms tighter around Sam and whispers." Daddy's here kiddo. We're going to work it out okay. Me and you." Dean sniffs and licks away the tears meeting his lips. " Me and you okay?" He hugs a bit tighter." We'll do this together." Dean stares at the cabinets over Sam's head -forget what I did-Wish I never knew.-Dean sighs, pulls Sam in tighter.
I hope that was good for you. Again I apologise for lateness. I am so excited about 'when the leeve breaks' it looks wicked and it's crap hat I'm in England cos I gotta wait ages to see it. But thank god for you tube. I know I can catch the whole episodes, i like watching snippets and then watch the whole thing on the night which I believe is the Sunday night i'm at asylum so I guess that party they organised will be empty. ha ha. love to all. kiss kiss.