This came to me last night as I was falling asleep and it just had me laughing my ass off. I hope it will get a few chuckles from you as well.
Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma ½ or any of it's characters.
Akane frowned. Something was completely off lately. It was much much too peaceful, for one, but after the failed wedding she supposed that the other fiances may have realized their mistake and decided stay away if only for a short while.
Akane herself was staying as out of Ranma's way as possible. In the aftermath of the failed union she and the rest of the brigade had gotten a good look at Ranma's face. He wasn't angry, or happy. He didn't rejoice that he didn't marry her and he didn't explode at everyone involved.
A single tear leaked out of each eye before a look of resignation descended upon his entire frame. He then sat down, laid back with his hands behind his head, and hoped someone would go through with their threats to kill him. He just didn't want to deal with it anymore.
He came home a few times after that, broken bones and lacerations abounding across his body, sure signs of encounters with Mousse and Ryoga. Ranma probably wouldn't have looked so bad if he would have cared to fight back.
Lately though all he did was train eat and sleep. Not even Happosai disturbed the martial artist. No one said anything to him for missing school. No one accused him of being a pervert or beat him. Ryoga stopped showing up at all. Apparently he was convinced that he had destroyed Ranma's happiness thus decided to stick with Akari.
That was six months ago, the last Ryoga visit. Ranma had only started going back to school a few days ago. Akane noticed that even Kuno tried to avoid fighting the broken martial artist.
But that wasn't what was setting Akane on edge. After the first couple of weeks everyone had gotten used to the new Ranma and seemed to simply ignore him in favor of their self preservation.
No, it was the look on his face as he walked into the dojo this fine Neriman evening.
Ranma's face was quite flushed, his boyish features tinted light pink. There seemed to be a new spark to his eyes, new life. Nabiki raised a brow, Kasumi and Nodoka smiled at seeing the spark be kept in their questions, and the rest just watched him slowly walk towards the dojo.
He didn't come out that night for dinner, immediately setting several occupants of the Tendo home on edge. Even as depressed as he was he still ate enough to feed small armies.
The next day the spark still remained. The morning brawl was... different. Ranma's grin grew and grew for each of the Hentai Horde he took out till it was down to the last member; Kuno. His grin was nearly splitting his face in half. Kuno had never received a beating as fierce as the one that day.
The rest of the week was much the same, content seeming to radiate from Ranma like never before. Ryoga seemed to pick up on this shift of moods and started showing up again. Like Kuno his beatings were more severe than ever before. Ryoga began to regret challenging Ranma lately.
Finally the two families had had enough and hired Nabiki to get some answers as to what was going on. She was all too happy to agree.
She brought Ranma aside one night and asked him about the shift.
"I... I just found somebody, finally, who makes me happy," Ranma said, a dreamy look on his, currently her, face, "They don't try to exploit me or make me do anything I don't want to. They love me as a whole they accept everything about me and don't judge me for it. It... it's the unconditional love I've been longing for."
"Who is it?" Nabiki asked, glad she had the tape recorder on in her pocket.
"No," Ranma frowned.
"What? What do you mean, 'no'?"
"I mean if I tell you, then you tell everyone else, my only true precious person might get hurt by one of my rivals or the fiances. I wont let that happen," she began to walk away, "they will remain my secret."
"Who do you think you are, Saotome? You don't have secrets! Not from our families and certainly not from me! Either you tell me or I make your life hell till you tell me!"
Ranma was on Nabiki before she could blink. She held Nabiki up against the wall, practically glowing with rage.
"I am happy, Nabiki. For once in my life I'm fucking happy! If you try to take that away from me I promise, on my honor as a martial artist, that you are the one who will know hell! I'll destroy you, your reputation, your money! I'll make you beg for death and never will I deliver it! You got me!?" The look in her eyes alone was enough for Nabiki to believe that she would carry out her threat without a moments hesitation. She also noted absently that Ranma had improved her speech patterns, absurd as it was for her to notice it.
Ranma let her go and walked away. Nabiki was now very, very glad she had used the tape recorder. She's never be able to accurately describe the reaction Ranma had just had.
When presented to the others all but two of them were rethinking their desire to learn Ranma's secret. If it meant so much to him he was willing to promise Nabiki physical harm, perhaps it was better to let sleeping dragons lie.
The only two not willing to give up this quest for knowledge were Nabiki, for obvious monetary gain, though she would do her best to prevent her actions from effecting Ranma negatively. She held no doubts the pigtailed aquatransexual would act out his promise.
The other was Genma. He would find out who this other person in his son's life was and remove them from the picture. After all, if his son married someone outside of the Tendo family he'd never get to live the sweet sweet life of retirement he'd been thinking about for the last few years.
Another week went by, Ranma coming home in either form and not really caring, the smile always adorning his/her face.
That Friday Nabiki was still figuring out how to figure out his secret and make money off of it when she noticed something. Ranma was holding a perfectly clipped, blood red, thorn free rose. It had a card attached to the stem.
Now Nabiki was curious. She had only seen one person use such roses. She laughed out loud when she even thought of the practicality that either Kuno, let alone Tatewaki, was the one Ranma had found his peace with. That likely hood of that happening was about the same of Kasumi suddenly standing up and protesting to the world her undying love and devotion to the local demigod slayer.
But it got her thinking...
Nabiki decided to find out who this mystery person Ranma was seeing before jumping to any kind of clonclusion.
During the weekend Ranma had summoned Happosai and through a show of skill and genius that few had seen in him, defeated the old master and forced him to sign over grand mastery of the Anything Goes school. A feat that had impressed all who watched it.
Monday, Nabiki prepped her minions for the mission. Ayuka, the fastest runner was on Ranma detail as soon as school was out that day and for the rest of the week. She was assigned to try and catch the pigtailed wonder with whoever this mystery person and report back at the end of the week.
Needless to say, when Ayuka called Nabiki that very night with news on Ranma, and spicy news at that, Nabiki was a little surprised. She had expected it to take at least the whole week if not more.
That night, before dinner, the entire house heard Nabiki's voice, filled with incredulity, scream out, "He's WHAT!?"
Ranma did not come home till late that night, the same smile on his face. He seemed oblivious to the odd stares he was receiving from the two families.
No one except Kasumi, simply happy for Ranma, ate that night after hearing what Nabiki had been told.
Yet another week went by and slowly Ranma began to feel the tension in the Tendo household. At the end of the week he decided to end it all.
That night at dinner he stopped eating in the middle of the meal and spoke, "You know, don't you?"
Slowly everyone else stopped eating as well. They ha all been expecting this to come about soon, this confrontation.
His mother made a show of swallowing and set her food down before replying, "Yes... Ranma... We know about...Him," Nodoka practically hissed out the last word.
Ranma sighed in malcontent as he looked at all the disgusted and confused faces.
"Then you know that I love him," Ranma said looking his mother in the eye.
"Boy," His father growled out preparing to stand up, "You knock that nonsense right out of your head before I do it for you. You will break off all ties with him and marry Akane!"
Ranma's aura of cold fury blasted forth from him, setting a deep seated chill in the entire room.
"I'll do nothing of the sort... on both accounts. I love him and he loves me. The relationship is only as deviant as it would have been had I married Akane. My curse is complete and everyone of you knows it. And that includes everyone currently spying on this meeting, Ryouga, Mousse, Kodachi, Shampoo, Ukyo, Cologne."
The people he mentioned came in from various entrances as their names were called.
"Son-in-law, what is this nonsense you speak?"
"It's not nonsense, I love him."
"Then he obstacle! Shampoo ki-uck!" Shampoo was forced to stop speaking as Ranma's hand clenched around her throat.
"I said I love him," Ranma ground out slowly, as if talking to small children, "and that means, if I have to... I'll rip every single one of you to pieces if it will protect him. UNDERSTOOD?!" He tossed Shampoo to Mousse who caught her.
After a long silence Cologne spoke to the two younger Amazons with her, "Shampoo, Mousse, come. We leave for home tonight."
"But great grandmother-" Shampoo began only to be interrupted.
"He had made his choice, great granddaughter. And I have no doubts he will hold true to his threat, even if he has to kill the entire tribe to do it. We leave. May you life be prosperous, Ranma," She hopped out the back door and over the wall. Shampoo took only a moment to stare at Ranma longingly before leaving with Mousse who had a most satisfied grin on his bespectacled face.
Ryouga looked ready to attack, but also seemed to be thinking things through. This entire situation meant he'd no longer be hurting Akane or any of the other girls. He wouldn't ever be possible competition for Akari.
Ryouga picked up his pack and left. He decided he didn't care about Ranma's happiness anymore, as long as what Ryouga himself had was not affected negatively by it.
Kodachi gave a disgusted look at Ranma before simply leaving.
Ukyo whacked him with her giant spatula, not so much as an attack, but as a slight vent of frustration, "You jack ass." She said and walked away in tears.
Ranma then turned to the two families left in the room, his own and the Tendos.
Slowly his mother stood up and reached into her kimono slowly.
"Is there nothing I can do to convince to break off this... relationship?" She asked, staring at him with hard eyes.
"No, there is nothing you can do... Nodoka," Ranma said crossing his arms.
"Then I have no choice. Your choice in lovers would leave a stain on the honor of the clan that I can not accept. You are hereby removed from the Saotome clan registry," She handed him a copy of legal papers she had kept on her should he not give up his unholy relationship.
Ranma took them and read them. His face grew darker and darker with each line. Finally he nodded and mumbled something no one could quite hear.
"What was that?" Nabiki asked, having been taping the whole thing to sell at school tomorrow.
"I said," He turned a glare on nabiki that slowly melted into something else as his eyes met everyone in the room's. He took a step towards his former mother and suddenly enveloped her in a hug, "THANK YOU!" He released her and proceeded to dance with joy around the room till he came to a stop behind Kasumi. He gently lifted her to her feet and danced with her a little while more, twirling the eldest Tendo daughter a couple time before bringing her to face him again. He suddenly kneeled, reached into his pocket, and pulled out a black velvet boxe that easily fit in the palm of his hand.
"Kasumi Tendo, I have waited three months to do this. Waiting so that I did not have to fear retribution from rivals, fiance's, crazy gymnasts, our parents, and least of all your sister. Kasumi Tendo, Will you marry me?" Everyone, except Kasumi who was also quite stunned just not to the same degree, had their jaws on the floor.
After a moment to recover Kasumi stuttered out a, "I-I would love to," and enveloped Ranma in a warm embrace.
Ranma's smile couldn't have been any wider than the moment he heard those four perfect, to him, words. He kissed Kasumi passionately, releasing the emotions he had held in check from the moment he knew he began to love the kind eldest daughter of the House of Tendo.
Finally having picked her jaw up off the ground, and being the first to do so, Akane spoke, "What the... but you... Kuno... What the FUCK is going on here?" She had quite adequately voiced Kuno's thoughts.
Ranma stood up properly, his smile going from loving to wicked in a split second.
"Hey, Kuno," Ranma shouted, "the jig is up, they've done as I expected."
The wannabe swordsman came down the stairs and gave a slight smile towards Ranma.
"Of course it did," He said arrogantly, "It was my plan after all."
Ranma just nodded while rolling his eyes. However he did what no one would ever expect from him and bowed to Kuno, " I thank you, Tatewaki Kuno, for your help in procuring the fair Kasumi's hand in marriage."
Kuno tilted his head in welcome.
Ranma looked at everyone again who once again with his evil grin.
"I'm sure more than a couple of you are curious as to what is going on. The answer is simple: I, with the help of Kuno, fooled you all into believing something, that if any of you actually cared enough about me to know me, you would have known could never happen, which in turn allowed me to have something my way for once."
Now just about everyone was pissed. HOW DARE HE!!??
Before anyone could retaliate physically, Genma spoke up, knowing exactly where to hit that would hurt more than anything, "As head of the Saotome branch of Anything Goes I forbid you from practicing my art."
"Ah, ah, not good enough, old man. I'm grand master of the entire Anything Goes school," He pulled out the contract he had made with Happosai after he defeated him.
"But that scroll is assigned to Ranma Saotome," Soun said to aid his friend, "There is no longer a Ranma Saotome, and therefore you are not a Grand master." The two father's grinned. But it slipped seeing Ranma's own.
"Well, waddaya know. This Contract ain't signed to no Ranma Saotome," He handed it to his father, secure in knowing that he had many copies of the document even if his father destroyed that one.
Genma took, read it wide eyed, then read aloud, "I, Grand Master Happosai, sign over full and complete Grand Master status to Ranma... Howes."
"What the hell?" Nabiki questioned.
"I knew I was going to be disowned. I had counted on it actually. And I knew you two were going to try and pull the stunt you just did. A gaijin and his wife happened to be passing by and heard me speaking with Kuno about my plight and decided to help. They adopted me into their family."
"But...but how," Nodoka questioned, "Genma or myself would have had to sign you over and neither of us would have done that."
"Yeah," Genma stated, sure that they had him now.
"Oh, but you did... old man."
All eyes turned to Genma.
"What? I would never!"
"Read it and weep people," Ranma pulled yet another document from his stuff space.
Once more it was read aloud, this time by Nodoka, who had taken it from her husband who was banging his head into the table, "I, Genma Saotome, sign over complete guardianship status to Jonathan and Candace Howes... GENMA!"
Ranma grinned and placed an arm around Kasumi's waist, "Face it. You've all lost... and it was your own faults." Ranma and Kasumi began to leave, but Ranma stopped at the door picking up his pack and a suitcase Kasumi had packed knowing of all but the proposal before hand. "And thing of it like this: Years from now, when all of this has passed over and been done with... I'll Look back on this and laugh."
And the two left, only to be seen once more by the Tendo's six months later for the couple's wedding.
---A/N: Damn. That made me laugh. I hope it gets a couple chuckles from all of you as well. I hope you enjoyed it and good night.