Author's Note: Very silly and very random idea that just popped into my head! Haha, Enjoy!
I sighed wistfully, trying to will my bad mood away as I climbed out my car. It was mid afternoon, and I had just dropped Bella off at work down at Mike's store. She had been working there for months, and I had tried to hint to her that she should quit for almost as long. Not only was I uncomfortable about her being so close to that crude child all the time, but since she was going to be my wife soon, I wanted to be the one to support her.
And as always, she was insistent upon making her own money. I admired her for being so independent, but I couldn't help but wish that she allowed me more freedom when it came to indulging her.
I let out a deep breath, knowing that I couldn't refuse her anything. So if she wanted to continue working for this last month, I wouldn't stop her. That didn't mean I couldn't be secretly unhappy about it though.
I sprang lithely up the stairs to my house, casually glancing at my watch as I opened the door and went inside.
Only five more hours until I can pick her up.
"Edward! You're finally home!" said Emmett brightly, interrupting my anguished thoughts. He was sprawled out on the couch next to Jasper, both of them looking up at me expectantly.
I narrowed my eyes slightly.
"I am," I answered, taking off my jacket to hang it up. They were both blocking their thoughts from me, which made me instantly wary. I turned to face them, regarding them with a curious expression. "What are you guys up to?"
"Oh nothing," said Emmett, waving his large hand in an awkwardly dismissive manner. "We were just going to watch a movie, want to join us?"
I glanced down at my watch again. I had nothing to do for the afternoon, and I had just gone hunting the day before…
"Sure," I said, ready to settle myself down into my usual chair.
"Wait," said Jasper, halting my movements. "Since you're already up, could you just… pop the DVD in real quick?"
I nodded and retrieved it from his hand, and then turned around and started walking toward the television.
On my way there, I took a quick glance down at the cover and abruptly did a double take, staring in shock at the title.
WHAT in the NAME!?!
Embarrassment flushed through me immediately.
I recognized it as the 40 Year Old Virgin DVD, but in place of the 40 was a badly taped piece of construction paper that had the number 117 written on it in pink marker.
I whirled around angrily and before they knew what was coming, I launched the DVD across the room, effectively knocking Emmett right between the eyes. But he hardly noticed since he and Jasper were flopped over onto the couch, completely overcome with hysterics.
"That's NOT funny," I fumed over their laughter, trying to quell my discomfort so Jasper couldn't sense it. I stormed heatedly back to my chair and sat down, tightly crossing my arms across my chest.
I stared in irritation as they struggled to sit up and contain themselves.
Jasper calmed himself first and picked the DVD up off the floor. He turned to me with barely contained enthusiasm.
"Is there a problem Edward?" he said, his voice shaky as he tried to keep a straight face.
I glared at him and didn't answer. Jasper took one look at my face and burst out into laughter again so forcefully, that he almost toppled off the couch. I growled and put my two fingers against the bridge of my nose, trying to force myself to ignore them.
Emmett, who was still completely hysterical, grabbed onto Jasper for support so he could sit up.
"Ahhhha," he said in a light tone, and then he chuckled again. He looked at me for the first time pursed his lips in delight.
"You two are idiots," I hissed.
Emmett raised his eyebrows at me and then reached down to grab the DVD from Jasper's hands. He looked at the cover and gasped loudly, his hand flying to his chest in mock surprise.
"117 Year Old Virgin?!?" he said in a stunned voice, "That's not the name of this Movie?!" He grabbed the back of Jasper's collar and yanked him up.
Jasper let out a breath of silent laughter, grabbed the DVD back and looked at the cover in disgust.
"Who in their right mind would want to watch this?" he snarled. He peeled off the little paper with the 117 on it and crumpled it in his fist. "Ah, that's better." He opened his hand and blew the piece of paper at me as he walked toward the television.
I scowled loudly.
"Let's just watch the movie," I said through gritted teeth. Honestly, you would think they were hormonal human teenagers the way they acted.
"Yeah, pop that sucker in Jasper," replied Emmett, leaning back on the couch and resting one foot on his knee. He turned to me and waggled his eyebrows.
I ignored them both, pushing down the fervent urge to beat them into the floor.
Jasper waited until he sat back down to press play. There was about five seconds of darkness…and then it started.
My mouth dropped open in complete horror.
There was Emmett- wearing a short jean skirt and white beach sandals- strutting his way across what looked to be our backyard. He had on a ridiculously small pink tank top, and to my completely dismay, a lacy orange bra peeking over the front. And to top it off, he wore a brunette wig with long hair that he was currently twirling in his fingers.
It was so awful and disturbing, but I was absolutely frozen with shock and I couldn't look away.
"Oh dear," Girl Emmett said breathlessly to himself in a mangled feminine voice. I watched in repulsion as he swung his hips back and forth, walking from one side of the screen to the other. "Oh what shall I do?" he said louder, and then flopped himself down on the grass, landing on his stomach.
He rested his head in his hands and swung his feet back and forth behind him aimlessly.
"Bella?" suddenly called a deep voice.
To my complete abhorrence, Jasper rushed onto the screen wearing my clothes and an auburn hair piece, obviously pretending to be me.
"What's wrong Bella, my only love EVER, little human darling?!?"cried Jasper dramatically as he ran toward Emmett and grabbed both of his hands.
"Hi Edward!" said Emmett with exaggerated happiness. He scrambled to get up but made himself fall in the process.
"WHOOOoooAAAA" screamed Emmett as he tumbled back toward the ground in slow motion and began rolling around in circles, flailing his arms and legs around him.
"BELLA!!!" shouted Jasper, swiping at Emmett and trying to catch him.
"Oh Edward, I'm so clumsy!" said Emmett when he finally stopped rolling.
"Here!" said Jasper frantically. "Let me help you up!"
He grabbed onto Emmett's hands, but instead of helping him get up, he ended up swinging him around in circles about ten feet off the ground. Emmett shrieked gleefully.
"Oh Bella!" said Jasper as he lowered Emmett on the ground. "I'm sorry! Sometimes I forget how light you are!"
"You're so strong!" cried Emmett, regaining his footing. .
Jasper smirked and flipped his auburn hair obnoxiously. "I know," was his reply. But then his face went on the alert. "Do you hear anything?" he whispered.
Emmett perked his ear up. "No?"
"Me either!!" Jasper suddenly shouted, slamming his face into his hands. "I still can't hear your mind Bella! UGH!" He stomped around for a moment before falling onto the grass.
"Oh Edward, you silly vampire, don't get upset over that! That's all in the past! Let's think about the future, you know, when you change me into…"
"DON'T SAY IT!" Jasper shrieked and hopped off the ground.
The camera turned slightly to the left to a different part of the lawn. There were about six television sets randomly sitting there. The scene was quiet for a moment, until Jasper raced in from the left and automatically began smashing them one by one.
"Darling! Don't you dare!" he screamed.
"Turning into a vampire!"
Jasper ran around manically until every set was completely broken. He then went on and started stomping on each little piece, making sure that everything was completely destroyed.
"Stop Edward!" said Emmett in his girl voice, stumbling into view and crushing himself against a heaving Jasper.
"I'm sorry Bella," said Jasper, flipping his hair again. "I didn't mean to overreact."
"Hmph,"Emmett crossed his arms and stuck out his bottom lip, pouting.
"Oh Bella!" said Jasper, his face immediately turning frantic. "Don't be mad at me! I can't stand when you're mad at me! Oh no…oh no! are you still going to let me watch you sleep tonight!!??" Jasper eyes were as wide as saucers as he waited for his answer.
"Fine Edward," said Emmett in an exhausted tone. "But I know another way you could make it up to me." A leer crept over his face.
"Anything!" said Jasper. "I'll do anything!"
And with that, Emmett started walking toward Jasper, in an attempt to be seductive. Jasper became frightened and started retreating…
"NO BELLA!" he cried, as Emmett began lifting up his shirt. "ANYTHING BUT THAT!"
"But Edward," whined Emmett. "PLEASE?!"
"No! NO, NO!" said a defiant Jasper, and he spun around and raced up the nearest tree. "I won't do it!" he said like a little child and crossed his arms. "YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!"
"Get out of that tree!" shouted Emmett, putting his hands on his hips.
"Say you swear you won't do that again!" said Jasper, glaring at Emmett.
"FINE Edward!" Emmett said curtly, throwing his hands up in defeat.
Jasper put a foot off the branch. "You better not TOUCH those clothes!" he warned.
Emmett shook his head exasperatedly. "I won't!"
Jasper hopped out of the tree and grabbed Emmett's hand and ran off screen.
As the credits began to roll, (Filmed by Rosalie-I thought, making a mental note)- there was an ending shot of Jasper banging repeatedly on the piano, screaming loudly as Emmett sprawled out on the top shaking his head to the beat.
The screen went black.
For a moment, no one moved. But out of the corner of my eye, I saw them both start to inch off the couch.
I said with pure venom in my tone, and before they had time to react, I sprang off the chair, my hand swiping to close around one of their throats. They leapt up fast and ran outside, cackling loudly, and I was right on their heels ready to fulfill my promise when a voice called out my name.
"Not.Now." I seethed, turning around and throwing Rosalie a venomous look, My foot was already out the door to catch my moronic brothers.
"It's about Bella!" she rushed out quickly, knowing that would catch my attention and stop me from chasing after them.
"What about Bella?" I replied, looking her directly in the eyes. Her mind was blank, but she was anxious about something.
"Well," she began, wringing her hands nervously in front of her. "There is a reason why those two made that video."
"Was there?" I said sarcastically. "I mean, besides the fact that they are absolute cretins?"
"Yes, besides that." She answered, ignoring my tone.
I cocked my head to the side, waiting for an explanation.
"You see, Alice…she had a vision." She closed her eyes as if struggling to get the words out.
I felt my nerves start to warm up, and my mind started going in a million different directions of what that vision could be, and how it would relate to that abhorrent video I just saw.
"What kind of vision?" I asked instantly.
"Well," she began. "The boys made that video to…encourage you."
I waved my hand, indicating for her to elaborate.
"It seems…that Bella…has been taking matters into her own hands, so to speak."
I felt my face scrunch up in confusion. "What do you mean? Rosalie, just tell me."
She closed her eyes again, and finally let me into her mind. There was only one image floating around in there, and what it was made my dead heart palpate in my chest.
"No…" I said, all thoughts of Emmett and Jasper completely gone. "It can't be…she wouldn't…"
"She would, and she is," answered Rosalie seriously. "Alice had…a vision of her using it!"
My jaw dropped open as I pictured Bella using that…big…vibrating…thing. And it made me so sad, that I felt myself stagger slightly. I didn't know that it was so hard for Bella to wait just one more month until after our wedding! It made me ill to know that she had to resort to something like this…when I was more than willing to do it at the right time!
"I don't believe this," I said in a breathless voice, looking at Rosalie who was nodding her head, her eyes full of pity.
"She named it Little Eddie."
I closed my eyes against her words, and I felt some sort of recourse energy rush through me. There was no way I could allow this to continue. The thought of someone else, or in this case something else, pleasuring my lovely Bella made me physically agonized. It had to be stopped.
"I'm going to Bella's." I announced, rushing off and glancing at my watch.
I still have a while until she gets home from work.
I called Alice as I sped out of the driveway. She was obviously expecting my call.
"Pick Bella up from work at 5. And tell her I'm waiting for her at her house."
And with that, I snapped the phone shut, trying to squash the panic that was slowly building in my system.
"Rose, is it safe to come inside?" I asked, finally calming down. I don't think I had ever laughed so hard in my life. It was hard enough getting through that video with a straight face, but watching Edward's reaction had been absolutely priceless.
"Yup," she replied. "And he took the bait."
"Perfect." I grinned. "Did Alice do her part?"
"She did," said Jasper, coming in right behind me and stuffing his phone back in his pocket. "She just left Bella's now."
I don't think I had ever gotten to Bella's house faster, and that was definitely a feat in itself. Luckily, Charlie wasn't home so I could search Bella's room without worrying about him hearing me. I parked the car about a quarter of a mile away and immediately rushed back to her house.
I leapt up onto her windowsill, opened the window and climbed in.
Once I turned around…I froze.
There it was…Bella's vibrator…sitting in plain view, large and imposing on her innocent bed. She wasn't even trying to hide it! How many times had I sat with her in that very bed? She was my sleeping angel, my Bella, and it hurt to realize that I didn't know everything about her.
I took a couple strides towards her mattress and reached out a tentative hand towards it.
It was so…huge??
I couldn't picture it…but there was the evidence, staring me in the face.
I grasped onto it roughly, and growled to myself. I was going to wait here. I was going to wait for Bella and confront her about this, face to face.
Four Hours Later.
I sat there. In the corner of her room with the vibrator still clutched tightly in my fingers. I don't think I had moved once. But, I could sense her presence now, she was climbing the stairs, and her heartbeat was quicker than usual.
She was anxious to see me. Did she know I knew?
The next second, she burst into the room and after a quick scan, her eyes trained on me in the corner.
"Edward?" she asked, concern etching her features. "What's wrong? Why…why are you on the floor? What happened?"
She made her way towards me, and the second she was close enough, I thrust the vibrator under her nose.
"I found Little Eddie," I said in a flat tone.
"What is that?" she asked casually, grabbing my wrist slightly to get a better look. I heard her gasp loudly.
She obviously felt guilty.
"What?! What are you doing with that Edward?" she asked incredulously, her voice full of utter shock. Her heartbeat was going a mile a minute, and I finally brought my eyes up to meet hers. I couldn't hide the pain that was in them when I saw how surprised she really was that I had found it.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked, trying hard not to let her know how hurt I felt. "Could you really not wait?"
"-You don't have to explain Bella!" I interrupted, waving her off. "I understand, it's my fault."
"Honestly! this is the most-" she sputtered, and I noticed that her face had gone bright red. "Edward…that's, of course that's not mine! Where did you get that?!"
Was she lying to me?
"On your bed, Bella. It was sitting right on your bed."
Bella looked absolutely scandalized and stared at me as if I had gone crazy. She looked back towards her bed, as if trying to convince herself that we were talking about the same place. She turned back towards me and shook her head furiously.
"What on earth are you talking about, Edward!" she said, and to my surprise, there was a hint of anger in her voice. "Is this some kind of joke?"
I stood up so quickly, that Bella squeaked and fell backwards. At the same time, I heard a chorus of giggles right outside her window. I ran over, reached my hand outside and yanked Jasper in and threw him onto the floor.
Bella screamed and her hands flew to her face.
Emmett, Rosalie, and a very guilty looking Alice scrambled in after him.
Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie were still almost completely hysterical.
"EXPLAIN YOURSELF!" I bellowed over their hysterics, glaring at each of them in turn. I don't think I had ever felt such sheer embarrassment in my life.
Alice spoke first.
"It was just a joke!" said Alice. "And we are sorry Edward, but we just thought you needed to loosen up a little bit! You should have known that wasn't Bella's though, I came over and slipped it onto her bed right before you got here." She crossed her arms as she defended herself.
Bella gasped again.
"I cannot believe this," I said, my tone lowering as everything that had happened sunk in. "You guys are going to get it."
Despite my threat, I saw Emmett and Jasper chuckling, looking at my hand that was unfortunately still wrapped around the vibrator. I growled loudly, and before I knew what was happening, I launched it out the window.
"Get OUT!" I said, "I will deal with you all later!"
I gave Jasper and Emmett a severe look, and took a perverse happiness that they did look a little bit frightened. I watched them as they all climbed out of Bella's window.
"What," said Bella when they were all gone, "On earth was that?"
"That was my siblings."