Um...sorry! I lost all inspiration for this fic for so long! I already promised myself I wouldn't COMPLETELY abandon it, but I just needed to grow some plot bunnies again. But I finally did, so here's the very-long-awaited unbeta'd next chapter!
Thanks to Moomogirl, Synneofthesun, Phantom SunsSong, CreativeButLazy, tiggeranddash, DemonRaily, Little Patch of Heaven, Jackspicer, YukinoKara, The Spirit Alchemist, SakuraSagura, TeamJempwarth, Dontmezwithme, The Sora-muffin, Love's Labour Won, Cheza the Flower Maiden, KodeLyokoKrazy, KatrinaEagle, Haisha Hime, andZarosKnight for reviewing! Who's up for guessing the cliché this time?
Announcer: As our heroes continue on their journey, they find themselves sidetracked just a little bit!
"I thought deserts weren't kid-friendly," Ed grumbled as he dragged his feet along.
Everyone was sweating profusely, hunched over as they walked down the beaten path, under the blazing sun. "I'm so thirsty," Winry panted.
"I'm so tired," Al added.
"I'm so—where's Paninya?" Ed said suddenly.
Winry held up a red and white cellphone. "She's off-screen. If I need her I'm supposed to call her or throw this or something."
"...Oh. Whatever." Ed squinted up into the sky as the sun beat down on them. "Let's hope we can find a way out of here soon."
"I wish saying 'arctic wasteland' would make snow drop on us again," Al sighed.
"Wait, I think I see something!" Winry yelled. She pointed to what looked like a house shimmering through heat waves in the distance.
Ed shaded his eyes with a hand to get a good look at it. "I think you're right!" he exclaimed. "Come on, guys, let's go!"
They managed to work up the strength to make it to the house. It was a giant building, more like a mansion than anything. Ed went up to the huge double doors and pushed them open.
"Brother! You can't just do that! Someone might live here!" Al scolded.
Ed sighed and closed the door. He knocked, and it magically swung open. He gave Al a look, and Al shrugged helplessly at the sheer dumbness of a door opening from a knock. "Hello, anyone home?" Ed called as they all stepped into the much cooler indoors.
The room they were in was a typical huge mansion front room: a giant space with high ceilings and spotless tiled floors, empty except for the grand staircase in the center of the room with a red carpet down its center. There weren't any other doors to go anywhere else.
"Anyone here?" Winry called.
No one answered. "Well, now what?" Ed asked.
"I guess we could look around," Winry suggested.
"Halt!" a familiar voice yelled. Suddenly it all went dark, and a spotlight shone down on Ed, Al, and Winry. "Who dares to enter the East Desert City Gym?"
"What the h(EEP!)?" Ed demanded.
A second spotlight shone down on the top of the staircase, where they found Roy. "Oh, it's just you, Fullmetal," Roy said with a sigh.
"Colonel Mustang?" Al said in confusion.
Roy started down the steps, the spotlight following. "Yep. I'm the Gym Leader."
"I thought you were supposed to be my rival!" Ed pointed out.
"That was last season. This season I'm a Gym Leader. You challenge me to a battle, I act cocky which ensures my defeat, and then I hand you a badge and randomly decide to join you in your travels," Roy told him.
"Last SEASON? What the h(EEP!) are you talking about! This isn't some d(EEP!) anime cartoon!" Ed yelled.
Everyone else sweatdropped, proving him wrong.
"Look, Fullmetal," Roy said, "I don't like this any more than you do. But we have to do it, so just suck it up and challenge me to a battle already."
"FINE," Ed growled. "I challenge Colonel B(EEP!) to a battle, because I want...something."
"The Flame Badge," Roy said, holding up a little plastic thing shaped like a flame.
Riza appeared and handed Winry a piece of paper. "What's this?" Winry asked.
"Since you'll be the only one not participating in the battle, you have to give an excruciatingly detailed play-by-play of what's going on, as if you were describing it to a bunch of idiots," Riza told her.
"You've got to be kidding," Winry sighed.
Roy hit a remote in his hand, and the floor opened to reveal one of those official battle set-up things. Winry sat on one of the benches that magically appeared, looking none too happy about her new job.
Riza got into position on the battlefield. Al looked uncomfortable, but he mirrored her position.
"Can't we just do what we did last time so you lose?" Ed asked Roy.
"Nope. The new season means Riza's learned some hot new moves and you're going to have to break a bunch of the in-universe rules if you want to win," Roy said, shrugging.
Ed sighed heavily.
The referee that had been hiding under the floor with the rest of the battlefield raised two flags. She was wearing the military uniform, but with a miniskirt and high heels. "Let the battle...begin!" she yelled.
"Let's get this over with, Al! Put your suit on!" Ed yelled.
Moments later he was smacked in the face by a flying rice ball—donut. Sorry. Donut. It was a donut and not a rice ball. "That's not an official attack!" the referee yelled.
"Don't tell me what to do, d(EEP!)it!" Ed yelled.
"USE AN OFFICIAL ATTACK YOU MEANYFACE!"
"Riza, what are some gunlike attacks?" Roy asked.
"Well, let's see....Bullet Seed, I suppose," Riza replied.
"Okay." Roy took a deep breath. "Now, use Bullet Seed!"
Riza rolled her eyes and whipped out a sniper paintball gun. She held the scope to her eye and fired glowing seed things at Al.
"Move out of the way!" Ed yelled.
Al dived to safety.
"Wow, Al dived to safety!" Winry said in the fakest amazed voice you can imagine. "After Riza used Bullet Seed! This is SO amazing that I have to talk to myself about it!" In reality, she was sweatdropping and had a "this is the dumbest thing in the world" look on her face.
"Body Slam!" Ed yelled.
"Brother! I can't do that to the lieutenant!" Al cried.
"You can if you want to get this over with!" Ed shouted back.
"But, Brother! She's our friend! We might hurt her!" Al argued.
"I know, I know! Just—do it gently or something, all right?"
"How do I gently BODY-SLAM someone?!" Al demanded.
"Hey, stop arguing with me and just do what I say no matter how stupid it is!" Ed retorted.
Al sighed heavily, but put on his armor. He dived towards Riza, who had been sitting there patiently waiting for him and Ed to finish talking. Because Talking Is A Free Action.
"Oh no," Roy said, instead of telling Riza to dodge. Since Riza apparently had no mind of her own and couldn't move out of the way of an attack without orders, she got knocked to the ground.
"Lieutenant! I'm so sorry!" Al exclaimed.
"I'm okay, Al," Riza wheezed underneath the armor.
"Al just used Body Slam on Riza! Amazing!" Winry exclaimed.
"How the h(EEP!) is it that swearing gets censored, but a guy body-slamming a girl doesn't?" Ed wondered aloud.
"Either we're not supposed to notice genders, or you're asking too many questions," Roy responded.
Then the roof blew up. Al and Riza dove for cover as chunks of the roof fell onto the battlefield. Ed shielded his eyes from the glaring sun as he looked up. A robot arm appeared through the dust clouds and grabbed Al and Riza, throwing them into a giant capsule-shaped prison-tube-thing.
"Hey! What's going on?" Roy demanded.
"Ahahahahaha!" laughed an evil laugh.
"AGAIN?! Oh, COME ON!" Ed yelled.
The dust cleared, revealing a giant robot with a red H emblazoned on the front. Through the windshield, the members of Team Homo were visible, sitting at the controls.
"Prepare for trouble, your battle will have to wait!" said Lust.
"Make it double, in your shocked state!" said Envy.
"To protect the world from Mom jeans!"
"To make nice things a little more mean!"
"To flaunt my cleavage day and night!"
"That's my line."
"STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR D(EEP!) BOOBS!"
"Aw, is someone upset that they don't have any?" Lust said in a mock sympathetic tone.
"THAT'S NOT EVEN IT!" Envy yelled.
"I can't believe Team Homo just broke through the ceiling! They didn't even finish their motto!" Winry exclaimed.
"Give back Al and the lieutenant!" Ed yelled.
"Not going to happen," Lust said in a normal voice. Even though there was thick glass and about thirty feet between her and Ed, they could both hear each other just fine for some reason.
"Quick, Al! Body Slam!" Ed said.
"Use Bullet Seed!" Roy added.
Al put on his armor and threw himself against the walls of the tube-prison-thing. Riza started firing at the prison's glass window. Their combined efforts knocked Team Homo's balloon around.
"Hey! Stop that!" Envy demanded.
"You're supposed to quietly accept your kidnapping, you fiends!" Lust added.
"Well, this won't end well," Gluttony said, the smartest thing anyone had said all day.
Winry balled up her lines and whipped out her cell phone. "Paninya!" she yelled into it.
Paninya popped onscreen. "What up?"
"Use Rockets of Rejection on that balloon!" Winry said, pointing.
Paninya pulled up her pant leg, and dozens of rockets poured out of her leg. Then she was smacked in the face with a rice ball, which was quickly painted over to look like an otherworldly sandwich.
"That's not a real attack!" the referee said.
The rockets blew up the balloon, sending it spinning away into the forest on the other side of the Gym. "LOOKS LIKE TEAM HOMO'S FALLING INTO THE FOREST OR SOMETHING!" Team Homo cried, disappearing with a crash.
"Quick, into the forest!" Roy said.
The others followed him out the door. Paninya paused, then smacked the referee in the back of the head in retaliation before running after the others.
"I thought this was the desert!" Ed pointed out as they hurried through the trees towards the rising cloud of dust.
Narrator: Well, that wouldn't be much of an adventure, would it?
"I WISH YOU WOULD GO AWAY!" Ed yelled.
"You know, screaming at the sky isn't going to help much," Roy pointed out.
"Shut up! Nobody asked you, b(EEP!)d!"
So they ran into the forest, all trying to ignore the Narrator. It didn't take very long before they found the wreckage of the balloon. Team Homo was just crawling out from underneath the broken basket.
"Give back Al and the lieutenant!" Ed demanded as soon as they were within hearing range.
Lust and Envy looked up and, realizing the others were there, jumped to their feet. "Not a chance!" Envy sneered.
"Oh hi, Brother!" Al said as he and Riza walked over to the group, having escaped their tube-prison-thing in the crash.
"Didn't I just say 'not a chance'? Why are you screwing everything up?" Envy demanded.
"It's on like a famous copyrighted ape now!" Roy said. "Riza, Bullet Seed!"
"Body Slam, Al!" Ed added.
Riza fired the glowing seeds at Team Homo, knocking them back into their wrecked balloon. Then Al, still in this armor, body-slammed the bunch and defied the laws the physics for the second time as they were hurled into the air.
"This is the worst job ever," Lust griped as they sailed through the air, somehow completely avoiding wind resistance.
"We need a vacation," Envy added.
"Gluttony, that's right!" Gluttony suddenly said.
"The motto's long over, you idiot!" Envy yelled at him.
"Well, we've still got one catchphrase left," Lust pointed out.
"LOOKS LIKE TEAM HOMO'S BLASTING OFF AGAAAAAAAAAAIN!" they cried as they disappeared into the sky with a twinkle.
"That was really annoying," Ed commented.
"I agree," Roy said. "Oh yeah, and you get a Flame Badge." He tossed the dinky plastic badge at Ed.
"What for?" Ed asked, catching it.
"Because you saved my Pokémi—uh, subordinate," Roy replied.
"I thought we had to beat you in a battle!" Al pointed out, climbing out of his armor.
"Yeah, well, that's what you get for helping me out. I arbitrarily break the show's own rules," Roy said.
"Whatever, who cares," Ed said, as Paninya and Riza walked off-screen. "Now what?"
"Now we laugh and walk into the sunset," Roy said.
"Again? Do we really have to?" Ed complained.
"That's what we do now, Ed, at the end of every episode, no matter what," Winry pointed out.
"Fine, but I don't mean any of it," Ed said.
"Neither do we," the others replied in unison.
So they laughed and walked into the sunset.
Narrator: So Ed has finally gotten the Flame Badge, and gained some new friends on the way! What will be in store for our heroes? Find out next time!
"GRAAAAAAAAH!" Ed bellowed in irritation as the end-of-the-episode music swelled. "I F(EEP!)ING HATE YOUUUUU!"
Narrator: (chuckle) If only something could be done about that mouth!
Phew! Another chapter done. So did you figure out the cliché? Oh, also, I'm taking requests for clichés from Pokémon, so if you have one (on more) that bugs you, tell me all about it, and you'll probably see it in an upcoming chapter!
Now, here's to getting up the next chapter before the year's over! ...Don't look at me like that!