Mamoru Must Die!
Rated for possible violence and definite shoujo-ai content
Disclaimer- I don't own any of it.
"Ladies and gentleman," a voice tiredly announces, "Yet again we... Well, you know the drill by now."
Standing in front of the curtain are two young men.
"Hello," the first man said, "I'm Chiba Mamoru from the manga Sailor Moon, created by Takeuchi Naoko."
"And I," the second young man began, "Am Chiba Mamoru from the live-action Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon TV show, and the two of us are out here because of this retarded omake series killing off the anime version of us over and over again!"
"Right!" the manga Mamoru said as he nodded his head, "I mean, granted, the artwork in the anime is nowhere near as cool as the manga, and the whole flower thing... I never used flowers! I mean, I can guarantee you Takeuchi-sempai wasn't in the room when the brain trust writing the anime came up with that."
"Mamo-kun..." the live-action Mamoru murmured out of the corner of his mouth.
"Oh, right. That being said, Takeuchi-sempai also never had any of us running around in Marx Brothers disguises, Chibi Chibi saying 'biiiyyyyaaatch!' all the time, or constant references to microphones and lobster tanks. I mean, what the hell is with that?"
"Agreed." The live-action Mamoru said, "And nowhere, in any of the incarnations of Sailor Moon, was there any sort of story arc involving the violent death of the male lead in order to make way for a romance for the characters of Hino Rei and Tsukino Usagi."
"Which is what brings the two of us out here." the manga Mamoru added, "You see, we have a little gift for each and every one of you reading this." With that, the manga Mamoru turned to the live action Mamoru. They both nodded, then turned back to the audience.
"Be da!" they both shouted as they pulled their lower right eyelids down and stuck their tongues out, giving all the viewers the Japanese version of the Bronx cheer known as the akanbe.
"That's right!" the live-action Mamoru said triumphantly, "The series are now over, and guess what: I WON! Usagi's mine, and Rei's still just a lonely little lesbian pining away for my girlfriend."
"Ha ha!" the manga Mamoru laughed smugly, "How does it feel to know that the romance you all really want to see will never take place? Yeah, that's right; I'm talking to you out there, squeezing your zits as you read this crap! Maybe if you stopped reading garbage like this and went outside your mom's basement, you could get a girlfriend too!"
"Yeah, right." the other said sarcastically, "Hey everyone, you know what I'm going to do now? I'm going to go back to my reality, and I'm going to kiss Usagi right in front of Rei. And then, when Rei runs off to cry, I'm going to laugh my ass off!"
"Good one!" the manga Mamoru said, "And me? I'm going to dump Usagi and tell her it's because of some stupid dream I had. Then, I'm going to go home and laugh my ass off knowing she'll be waiting like a wounded pup for me to take her back!"
The two Mamoru's then began to laugh as they pointed at the audience.
"So screw the lot of you pathetic otaku." the live-action Mamoru said as he flashed the middle finger.
"That's right, we..." manga Mamoru's voice drifted off as a paper airplane flew over to him. He grabbed it and unfolded it to find a note written on it. "What's this?" he asked as he read the message written in red crayon, "'And now, as a special 'thank you' to all the fans of this series out there, it gives me great pleasure to offer up a little three-for-one special'."
"Three for one special?" the live-action Mamoru asked, "What the hell does that mean?"
"I don't know but... Oh hold on, there's more. 'P.S. Look up'." The manga version of Mamoru did so, just a split second before a large square object with "16-Ton Weight" written on its side landed on him with a thunderous crash, splintering the wooden floorboards beneath it.
"Holy shit!" the live action-Mamoru cried out, quickly looking up to make sure there was nothing up above waiting to drop on him. Which was unfortunate, since if he'd been paying more attention to the floor he would've seen the trap door to the alligator pit open up beneath him.
At that, both the Usagi and Rei from the manga, as well as the Usagi and Rei from the live-action series came out. As both of the Usagi's began to cry, the pair of Reis both took their respective friends in their arms. As both the live-action Rei and manga version held their Usagis close, they both looked out at the audience and winked as they gave a thumbs-up sign.
--Omake Nineteen: Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon--
Mamoru, along with the Inner Senshi, were gathered at the Outer's summer home by the sea for tea as they all said goodbye to a very special guest.
"Oh, I say." the middle-aged Englishman in the British military uniform said, "I'm afraid it's time for this old soldier to leave. You've all been deucedly nice to me, especially Miss Aino and Miss Meioh. You've both been delightful hostesses."
"Thank you very much Colonel Angus." Minako said cheerfully from her seat on Setsuna's lap.
"It was wonderful to see you again, and please remember to stop by on your next visit to Japan." Setsuna added, waving as the Colonel left.
"I'll be damned." Makoto whispered to Ami, "Usagi really did hear Mina and Setsuna correctly."
Usagi looked around, "Hey, where's Hotaru?" the blonde asked, "I haven't seen her in awhile."
"Hmmm..." Setsuna said as Minako shifted a bit in her lap, "Now that you mention it, she has been gone an awful long time."
Just then, the young girl in question came quietly into the room. Michiru turned to her daughter with a smile. The smile quickly faded as she saw the look in Hotaru's face.
"Taru-chan?" the artist asked, noting how her daughter was looking down at the ground, "Taru dear, what's wrong?"
"Um..." the girl began, "Well I, um... Oh..."
Michiru became concerned, "Taru-chan, it's me, your Michiru-mama. You know you can tell me anything. Now what's wrong?"
Hotaru blushed as she bent over and whispered into her Michiru-mama's ear. The artist's face suddenly lit up as tears began to form at the corners of her eyes. Haruka, noting the reaction Michiru was having, immediately went into over-protective parent mode.
"What?" the sandy-blonde demanded, "What happened?"
"Taru-chan?" Michiru asked, ignoring Haruka's question, "Are... Are you sure?"
"Well..." the child said embarrassedly, "I'm pretty sure. I mean, it's hard to mistake something like that..." Hotaru was cut off as Michiru hugged her close in a motherly embrace.
"Taru-chan?" Setsuna asked as Minako got up from her lap, "what's going on?" the Time Senshi asked, now just as anxious as Haruka
"Well," Hotaru said as she blushed even worse than before, "I..."
"Our..." Michiru began, her lower lip starting to quiver with emotion, "Our precious little girl is now a woman."
Mamoru raised an eyebrow at that. He looked around, confused by all the fond and loving looks both the Inner and Outer Senshi were giving Hotaru. Obviously Usagi and the others knew something he didn't. Both the girl's Haruka-papa and Setsuna-mama then came over to join Michiru in giving the young Senshi of Death a group hug.
"Um, ladies?" Mamoru asked, "I... I don't get it. What exactly happened? How is Hotaru now no longer a girl?"
"Because," Haruka said, her face beaming with parental pride, "Our
little Hotaru is having her first period!"
Mamoru flinched. It wasn't that he wasn't happy for Hotaru and her parents, but being a guy the last thing he wanted to hear about was feminine hygiene.
"Well, uh, congratulations, I guess." Mamoru said, hoping that would be the end of it.
"You know," Minako said fondly, "I can remember my first period."
"Oh no." Mamoru whispered under his breath.
"I was twelve." the Senshi of Love began, "And I can remember my mom pulling me aside and saying 'That's it young lady, it's time to give you the talk.' And I was all like, 'Oh no mom, not the sex talk.' And she was all like, 'Oh yeah, that one.' And then I had to sit there and listen to a talk about vaginas and eggs and sperm from my mother! I wanted to die!"
"So have you decided whether you're going to use a pad or a tampon yet?" Usagi asked, oblivious to Mamoru's growing discomfort.
"Well, um..." Hotaru began, blushing once again.
"You don't have to feel embarrassed," Makoto said in a reassuring voice, "We're all sisters here (well, except for Mamoru of course)."
Mamoru closed his eyes, groaning quietly as he tried to ignore the conversation going on around him.
"I can remember," Makoto went on, "I stayed away from tampons at first because I was afraid I'd loose my virginity if I used one."
All the women in the room laughed at that.
"When you do decide," Ami added, "Keep a few things in mind. Like, do you plan to be active that day, and how heavy your flow will be. And don't forget to be careful of toxic shock syndrome if you choose to use a tampon."
"That's my little doctor." Makoto said as she hugged Ami. Mamoru, having lost all color in his face, was praying that this conversation would end already.
"I personally find my psychic abilities are heightened during my menstrual cycle." Rei said smiling, "I mean sure, there's the cramps and the bloating and all that, but..."
"Oh yeah!" Haruka said, "Who can forget the cramps and the bloating? You feeling any cramps now firefly?" she asked as she playfully ruffled Hotaru's hair.
"Well," Hotaru admitted, "A little bit, but not too bad I guess."
"I can remember," Setsuna said, "This one time I had to fight a youma with you all while I was on my period. Trying to out-maneuver a monster while you're suffering cramps is no fun, believe me!"
"Tell me about it." Usagi said, "I mean, some of those poses I have to do while releasing an attack are a pain when I'm feeling bloated. I... Mamo-chan? Are you okay? You don't look so good."
Everyone turned to see Mamoru cringing in his chair. His face had taken on a greenish hue, and he looked a bit nauseous.
"Ur... Uh... I, I think I'm going to go outside and get some fresh air." he said as he got up and started for the door.
"Oh, okay." Usagi said, turning back to Hotaru, "Anyways, another thing to think about is scented pads and douches. Because let me tell you, the smells that can accompany that time of the month are..."
Mamoru left the mansion and headed for the cliffs overlooking the seashore. He needed to get some fresh air and try to forget the conversation he'd just heard. He was about to get his cell phone out to call some of his guy friends to get together with them, when he turned to see a young woman walking alongside an older one. As the sun shone down upon them and seagulls flew overhead the younger woman turned to her companion.
"Momma?" she asked, "What do you do when you get cramps?"
"Well hon," the mother said as she smiled at her daughter, "I..."
"AAAAAAAARRRRGH!" Mamoru screamed as he covered his ears and closed his eyes, running as fast as he could away from the pair. Regrettably, with his hands over his ears he didn't hear the mother and daughter trying to warn him of danger. And with his eyes closed he didn't see the cliff until he fell off it to his death.
The mother and daughter looked over the side of the cliff as Usagi and the others, hearing Mamoru's scream, ran over as well.
"Wow, I can't believe it." The mother gasped before turning back to her daughter, "He... He just ran full speed off the cliff to his death.
"Mamo-chan!" Usagi screamed in shock as she looked over the cliff face. "What happened?"
"Damned if I know." the daughter said, "I just asked my mother a question about what to do about cramps, and he went nuts and ran off the cliff."
"You mean," Michiru said in shock, "He... he committed suicide rather than hear about..."
"I knew it." Hotaru said sadly, "I knew this meant I was dirty."
"No!" Usagi shouted, "It meant that Mamoru was a baka!"
"Usagi!" Rei gasped in shock.
"Why is it," Usagi began, "That we as women are expected to sit through their stupid ball games..."
"I like watching ball games." Haruka interjected.
"...cook and clean for them..."
"I like cooking and cleaning." Makoto mumbled.
"And you're excellent at it too, dear." Ami whispered as she squeezed Mako-chan's hand.
"...and pretend we care when they tell us about their bad days, but when we try to talk about our feminine hygiene men get grossed out and either have to leave the room or commit suicide!"
"Actually," Minako interrupted, "As far as the suicide part, I think Mamoru's alone on that one."
"No Taru-chan," Usagi continued on with her angry tirade, "You're not dirty, you're normal! And if men can't accept that this is the way we women are, then in the Name of the Moon I say screw them!"
"Usagi-chan?" Rei asked, "You... You really mean that?"
"Absolutely Rei-chan. From this point onward I, Tsukino Usagi, do hereby swear off all men!"
"You know," Haruka said as she turned to Michiru, "That is quite possibly the single dumbest reason I've ever heard of for someone deciding to become a lesbian."
"What do you mean dumb?" Michiru asked defensively, "That's why I became a lesbian!"
A second or two of silence passed between the two.
"Let me guess." Haruka said, "I'm sleeping on the couch tonight, aren't I?"
As the sandy-blond then began to try to patch things up with her partner, Rei walked slowly over to Usagi.
"U... Usagi-chan..." the raven-haired beauty began, "If you're serious, about giving up men I mean, then... Then would you..."
Usagi smiled at her fellow Senshi, "Rei-chan? Are you asking me out on a date?"
"Yeah, I guess I am." Rei said nervously.
Usagi looked into Rei's eyes for a moment, then leaned forward and kissed the Fire Senshi softly on the lips. As the two broke the kiss and hugged one another, the mother and daughter who were walking along the cliff side made their way away from the group.
"Wow." the daughter said, "What do you make of all that momma?"
"Humph, a bunch of kooks if you ask me." she said, "Anyways, next time you get a cramp like that while you're swimming, you should be alright if you remember to rub your thigh until it subsides and..."
--To Be Continued--
End Notes: Before anyone goes off, yeah, I know the Rei/Usagi pairing is far less likely in the manga or live action Sailor Moons than in the anime. It's still funny though.
Also, special thanks goes out to FrozenPredator for the suggestion of making Colonel Angus a real person, and Sydney Clock making a suggestion about Haruka being on her time of the month and setting my warped mind off in this direction instead.
Finally, thanks go out to Shanejayell who, in the latest episode of Arisugawa's Locket, makes a reference to Mamoru stumbling into the locket back in omake fifteen! Go check it out in the Utena fanfic section now.