Size does matter
Written by Taipan Kiryu
Author's Notes: It has been a while since I did a humorous fic so I wrote this one that has been in my mind for some time. Taking a peek at the spare moments of our favorite bad guys just to prove something: machos are machos, no matter their race.
This fic was beta read by my beloved sister KayDee Blu. Thanks K!
The underwater Nemesis base was an example of rigid military discipline.
Schedules were carried on with punctuality, the tidiness of the facilities was impeccable, and hierarchies were respected, mostly…
A big achievement considering most of the mechanoids living there had serious aggression and rebellion problems.
To put so many egos in one single base sounded insane. But due to the firm brutal hand of their leader, whose perfectly directed attacks brilliantly focused on conquering the universe and the destruction of the Autobots, somehow the Decepticons had managed to consolidate into a solid organized army.
However, there were times, between missions, in which morale of said deadly army were harmed by the claws of boredom – in which fulfillment of their respective shifts - or completing any kind of labor assigned inside the base wasn't enough to keep all destructive instincts under control.
They had other activities for such occasions…experimenting on humans, ambushing isolated Autobots, target practice on everything that moved, or "friendly" fights amongst themselves resulting in a ripped limb here or a shattered optic there. Those activities were all quite enjoyable and for the most part, satisfying.
But with the Autobots constantly watching over all Decepticon activity, the options for evil fun had reduced considerably. So the privileges returned to an old favorite: getting inebriated until all neural circuitry overheated.
And that's precisely what the Decepticons were doing this day: investing some quality time on high grade energon while waiting for the next mission to be announced.
Despite being social beings, the Decepticons were very sectarians. Combaticons, Stunticons, Seekers, Constructicons, Triplechangers… To be a member of a sub faction was an important part of the social relationships between Decepticons, and those who fought together, got overcharged together.
Nevertheless, the levels of boredom were bigger than usual and there was a curious mixture of Decepticons in the huge storage area many of them used as a clandestine fighting arena.
Superficial chat, laughs, and energon cubes were circulating with freedom - the pink liquid entering the throat components of every present mechanoid. Megatron was quite generous concerning the rations of high grade he allowed his troops to drink, and there was no soldier that hadn't taken advantage of that, except the sober exceptions of Soundwave and Thundercracker.
Starscream walked through the obscure corridor leading to Storage Unit 4-B. He was sure his fellow comrades in arms would be there, killing their scarce reasoning circuits with high grade energon.
The inactivity of the past couple of weeks had the Air Commander in a very bad mood. His suggestion for a frontal attack onto the Autobot base was welcomed with mockery and disdain from Megatron, who was very busy with Soundwave planning some other mediocre mission.
Being relegated was one of the things the voluble second in command hated the most. And since unleashing his rage against Megatron was virtually impossible, the next best was venting his frustrations onto his subordinates, who didn't respect him too much for the matter.
But it was that, or blow up human aircrafts. And although target practice with those inferior technology junk piles was actually fun, it didn't compare to provoking a mechanoid who could fight back.
And just as Starscream had thought, just as the solitary facilities of the Nemesis had indicated, most of the Decepticons were reunited in Storage Unit 4-B.
Approaching the noisy crowd, cheerful voices and unmistakable sounds of energon cubes hitting each other in friendly toasts received the ill-humored Air Commander. His optics devoured the open camaraderie display with rage and envy. Skywarp, who was in the middle of the big group, yelled something with a big smile on his face.
"You're so full of slag, Skywarp!" cried Ramjet, roughly pushing the black and purple Seeker. Brusque manifestations of "affection" between Decepticons were very common.
"Jealous, Ramjet? I'm not surprised…with that horrible cone head of yours, I really doubt any femme would approach you."
Ramjet's powerful fist met an empty space and an intense purple beam.
Skywarp reappeared behind his frustrated attacker, his teleportation capacity surprisingly accurate despite the huge amount of high grade energon he had already consumed.
Drag Strip gave him a strong push with his shoulder, taking advantage that the black Seeker was right in front of him.
"And you must be very successful, aren't you slagger?" the Stunticon said.
Skywarp raised his right arm. A hologram with several Cybertronian characters emerged from his wrist.
"Just watch and envy my numbers, punks!" he said cheerfully.
"You're such a liar! This is an obvious exaggeration! You would've had to be with practically every Cybertronian femme to have these ciphers!" shouted Vortex.
"And that's precisely what I did, you idiot, until we came to this muddy planet!"
"I insist you are lying," scowled Ramjet.
"Don't you know anything, Conehead? Femmes love my physical structure! There is no single femme, not even one, that has ever rejected me!"
"Is that what this war has lead to? Are femmes that desperate?" mocked Scavenger.
Bursts of laughter greeted the Constructicon's comment along with a strong blow to the head courtesy of Skywarp.
"Why doesn't this shameful waste of time surprise me? It's because of your idleness and irresponsibility we haven't won this slagging war!"
The raspy voice of Starscream had a destructive effect over the reigning cheerfulness. There was no Decepticon that didn't welcome their sub commander with a contempt grimace.
"Screamer! Just what we needed to cheer up this party!"
"Shut up, Skywarp! All of you, go back to your posts! Just because Megatron is a disastrous leader and is not able to keep his disorganized troops in track, doesn't mean I will do the same!"
The arm of an overloaded Swindle fell heavily on the shoulder of the Air Commander, nearly taking him to the floor. The Combaticon had a full cube of energon in his hand, which almost broke against Starscream's cockpit.
"Relax, Screamer…have a drink with us!"
"I have told you millions of times not to call me that!" shrieked Starscream, pushing Swindle away. "Besides, if all of you want to destroy the few circuits of reasoning still functioning in your dumb heads, that's your problem. I do appreciate my intelligence!"
"I do appreciate my intelligence," mocked Wildrider, imitating the Starscream's peculiar voice tone. "We have another Thundercracker, guys!"
Thundercracker stepped forward, his red optics shining with rage. "What's that supposed to mean, Stunticon?" he spat angrily.
Wildrider cackled. "Oh, nothing, Thundercraphead…only that you've been fooling around two hours with that same energon cube you've barely touched!
"Mind your own business, slagging ground junk pile!" was the disdainful answer.
"Enough of your stupid little fights! Stop wasting the energon resources of this base and go back to your posts!" ordered Starscream.
"Cool down your intakes, Screamer! Can't you stop being a pain in the aft for one astro second and have a drink with us?" Skywarp said taking the full energon cube from Swindle's hand and almost hitting the Air Commander's face with it.
"Get that thing away from me!" was the polite answer to the friendly gesture.
Skywarp did so. "You heard the boss, mates! No high grade for this chicken slag!"
Gales of laughter.
"What did you just call me, Skywarp!?"
"Chicken… don't you know what it means?"
Chicken… Starscream's CPU searched, his memory banks racing at supersonic speed to find the earthling's reference. A clear grimace of disgust appeared on his face components.
"It just beats me how you can't understand how low you have descended when using those human remarks. And that applied to all of you! Seems you enjoy degrading yourselves!"
"You would say anything to avoid drinking with us…" the voice of the black Seeker replied, slightly hurt. "Why don't you just admit you're a disgrace at drinking high grade?"
Starscream clinched his fists, his pride attacked. "I was already an expert drinker when you were intoxicating yourself with low category lubricant for the first time, Skywarp!"
The black and purple Seeker agitated the energon cube in his wingmate's face. A challenge had been made.
Starscream scowled, snatching the cube from Skywarp as the rest of the Decepticons rhythmically stomped the floor with their feet yelling in chorus: "Drink, drink, drink, drink!"
With a fast and energetic movement, Starscream emptied the cube with a single deep sip.
"Done! Are you satisfied now?" he cried.
"That's our sub commander!" celebrated Dirge.
Starscream tossed the empty cube over his shoulder, crashing it on the head of a very ill-humored Hook.
"So…what was that nonsense you were talking about?" continued the Air Commander, spoiling Thrust's attempted drink from his cube.
"Big mouth Skywarp… he claims to have gotten laid with the entire female population of Cybertron," replied Ramjet.
Starscream smirked evilly. "Well, it's common knowledge femmes have abominable taste."
"Don't be so sure, Screamer. If they would, you'd have much better luck!" retorted the black Seeker.
"Are you suggesting the female gender doesn't find me attractive?"
"I affirm it!"
Starscream emptied his second energon cube and glanced with deep disdain at his wingmate. His voice sounded venomous when he spoke again.
"Just because you are a promiscuous glitch doesn't mean you are the best lover, you idiot!" he scowled.
"True. Quality before quantity," intervened Scrapper.
"And quality is what I have the most. Don't you know, you shameful collection of junk piles, the real reason why femmes love me?" Skywarp said with a naughty smile.
"Certainly is not because of your vast intelligence!" spat Starscream.
"Females are not looking for brains, you moron, they want size!" replied Skywarp as if talking to a group of sparklings.
"That's a lie! They always feel intimidated by tall Transformers…" Astrotrain said naively.
"And they love to share love with the short ones!" cackled Rumble, his twin and he both laughing like maniacs.
"Are you all dumb? What I'm trying to say is that femmes don't only love my perfect physical structure, but my dimensions!"
"Shu-shut up! Virility is inverse to the ego, you do the math…" Mixmaster said.
Skywarp wasn't going to defend himself with words anymore. With a fast movement he opened his chest compartment, uncovering a smaller hidden hatch. The spark chamber. Carefully, Skywarp opened it, his spark exposed among a big wire that was the object of his pride.
"Feast your optics, gentlemen! You wouldn't believe how many femmes have been greeted by this devil! I'm Primus gift all of the female gender!"
"Wow… that's kind of… huge," mumbled Frenzy.
"Don't get too excited, you runt! This is private property," Skywarp snapped quickly.
"Keep your amazement to the big leagues. Watch this and cry!" shouted Blast Off as he opened his own spark chamber.
Blitzwing roughly pushed away the Combaticon. "Not that big. I easily outmatch you! Look at mine!"
"You talk too much, Blitzwing! Yours is nothing compared to this!" counterattacked Ramjet, uncovering his intimacy.
Uncontrollable mocking laughter erupted from Breakdown. "Are you sure whoever created you didn't mess with your gender, Ramgirl? I really need to increase my optic abilities to look at that miniature!"
"This is foolish and immoral! Stop this nonsense!" spat Thundercracker trying to impose some order.
Skywarp held his best friend by the shoulders. "Hey, TC… don't you even dare to think you'll escape from this one! I refuse to believe your romances have been only because chicks like shy mechs…"
"Show it, Thundercraphead!" yelled Wildriver.
"I'm not going to uncover my intimate circuitry just because of you, dolts!"
"Let's get im'!" cried Drag Strip as half of the Decepticons pounced onto the angry blue Seeker.
The brutal strength of the majority imposed easily.
"Primus! This is huge! Where the slag you been hiding this monster, Thundercracker?" Thrust said total astonishment.
"Get off me, cone face!" was the furious answer, which was accompanied by a strong kick to the Conehead's chin.
"Everybody close their spark chambers! That's an order! I've never seen something so degrading in all my millenniums in this army!" intervened Starscream, his duty as second in command imposing over his increasing drunkenness.
Skywarp covered his open chamber with fake chastity. "As you command, Screamer! Hey guys, close those hatches! We don't want to turn on lady Starsqueen here!" he cackled happily.
"Why you…!" bellowed the furious Air Commander.
"I know Screamer's problem! He's tiny!" cried Frenzy right before submerging his face inside a full energon cube, his spark chamber already open.
"My intimate circuitry is bigger than you and all your siblings together, you runt!" the arrogant Seeker defended.
"Prove it!" challenged Motormaster.
Starscream glanced with infinite despise at his comrades in arms and proceeded to show his virility. Claps and whistles welcomed his very masculine dimensions.
"Definitely you are not a femme as I always believed, Screamer! A toast for that!" celebrated Wildrider.
"Size doesn't matter. To have big intimate circuitry won't make a difference when we all get killed in battle," Dead End calmly said as he stared absent-mindedly at his energon cube.
"Everybody, let's get Dead End!" shouted Skywarp. Happily he pounced on the pessimist Stunticon. He was followed by a crowd of drunken Decepticons who started to punch each other with brutal joy.
To be continued.
A/N: Am I insane? I just think these bad guys must be very proud of how "big" they are. I tried to keep their personalities, though to put them in this situation I had to flirt with the OOC universe. Please let me know if you liked this. Still one more chapter to go.
Oh yeah... Transformers belong to Hasbro and Takara. I only own this crack story.