Mission 1: Flames, Wind and a Struggling Student
Kana leaned back in her chair, observing the drunk, giggling redhead on the other side of the room.
"It was so awesome." Cerrin said, and then giggled. "The Sue blew up! Sparklies everywhere! I wanna do it again and again and again and again-"
"Stop saying that or I will kill you." Kana growled. Cerrin's initiation had been only a few hours earlier, but they were already back at work., and Cerrin was a little worse for wear after that very ill advised keg stand. Cerrin giggled and laid back down on the floor.
"I love the floor." She cooed, nuzzling the carpet.
Kana got up, thankful for a distraction from her extremely temulent colleague, and went to the console. The mission seemed fairly standard, a Sue going to the academy, she was a prodigy... hang on.
"I can't believe it!"
"I know, the carpet's so warm!" Kana ignored Cerrin's comment and carried on reading the list.
"The Sue is called Kana." Kana glared at the console. "That's it, I get to kill her. No questions."
"Can I have a little lie down first?" Cerrin asked.
"You're already lying down, idiot." Kana walked over the mini fridge, opened the door and took out a small bottle of Purple Stuff. "Sit up." Cerrin did as she was told, albeit very slowly and in a very wobbly fashion. Kana handed her the bottle. "Drink it."
"S'it Ribena?" Cerrin inquired.
"Yes, it's Ribena, now drink it."
"But I don't like Ribena." Kana grabbed the back of Cerrin's hair, tipped her head back, snatched the bottle off her with her other hand and poured the liquid into Cerrin's mouth. Cerrin swallowed it, and coughed.
"Ew, that stuff's not Ribena!" Cerrin yelled, gagging. "What is it?"
"Purple Stuff. It cures drunkenness brought on by Pink Stuff. Thankfully for me, you insisted on only drinking Pink Stuff because you like the colour. Otherwise I'd probably be dragging you on the mission drunk, or take Trip. Actually, I think you drunk would be better than that crazy midget." She left the bottle on her desk. "Get yourself a sword from the rack on the wall and I'll set the generator."
"Wow, I don't feel drunk anymore!" Cerrin jumped up, perfectly balanced. "Woo!" She walked over to the rack and picked up a katana. "It's heavy."
"Don't worry about that, you won't need to use it. It's just for show." Cerrin held it with both hands and tried swinging it a few times. "I've set the generator. We're going to be students at the Shinigami Academy. Remember to stay out of sight of the Sue and any non-canons, because they can see you."
"I know, we covered all that."
"Just checking. Also, if you refer to the Sue as 'Kana' at any point, I shall stab you."
"Got it!" Cerrin smiled nervously. Kana made sure she had everything she needed; her CAD, her neuralyser, her notebook and pen, and of course her zanpakuto, which was tucked into her belt on her right side. She rarely went around without her zanpakuto, since communication with it was vital to using it. She pressed a button on the console and a portal opened. "Come on, we have to hurry." They stepped through the portal. Cerrin felt her disguise forming around her, and when she stepped out she was dressed in a Shinigami student's uniform. Before she could look around, she felt nauseous and dizzy.
"Uhh, I don't think that Purple Stuff worked." She groaned, clutching her stomach.
"It did." Kana told her. "We're in a flashback." She said. "The Sue's remembering being abused by some random people. Who they are isn't specified." She groaned. "I hate these things."
"Who's talking to her now?"
"I have no idea, but apparently they sound canine and feline." The voices speaking to the Sue were barking and meowing, somehow making comprehensible words. "Ah, she's waking up." The scene shifted to a Generic Street in Rukongai. "Thank goodness, it's over." Kana sighed.
"Ahh." Cerrin said. "Much better." She put the sword in her belt.
"They're saying that she wasn't meant to end up in the Eightieth District because she was a little girl? They don't decide who goes where by what they are, you're given a ticket in order of death and that's that. There's no selection process. Employing melodramatics already, tut tut." Kana pulled her notepad out of her sleeve and wrote that down.
Random generic people were standing around, talking to the half-conscious girl.
"We found you among the ruble after a severe Hollow attacked." One of them said.
"Apparently, she was found under some Russian currency after being attacked by a severe Hollow. I wonder what a severe Hollow looks like?" Kana wondered aloud. "Let's skip ahead a little, none of this is really that important, to the story or anything else."
"Why do so many Sues have tragic back stories?" Cerrin asked.
"They think it makes readers sympathetic."
"But it really just makes them feel sick!" Cerrin laughed.
"You're catching on quickly." The words flew around them as they skipped to the next part and watched the Sue describe herself.
My messy, collar-bone length, platinum blonde hair blew behind me, the wind playing with my strands. Perched on my shoulder, my little fox, Riku, took in the sight before me. I questioned her, and she replied that a setting sun was almost as beautiful as the moon. I sighed quietly. How she could love a ball of fire and a glowing dish in the sky I would never understand. I'd seen the moon once before, but that was a very long time ago. I barely remember the glowing orb.
Kana and Cerrin hid behind a building and watched as the Sue's hair detached itself from her head and blew around behind her.
"Yes, we know, you're blind, angst away." Kana muttered, and took her notepad and pen out of her sleeve so she could start writing the charge list. "
"Can we put 'ripping off Tosen'?" Cerrin asked. "I guess other Shinigami could be blind, but I don't think it's common."
"Done. I also added 'having a Cute Animal Friend, which is also a non-canonical animal', and 'having an overly tragic, wangsty back story'." The Sue continued to think her past for a while, and then returned to her home. The scene changed and the two of them were forcibly pulled forward. The place was the same, but the time was different. Apparently, but the writer had forgotten to specify the time of day, so for all intents and purposes it was morning. The Sue walked away, and the two of them followed. Dressed as Shinigami Academy students, there would little reason for the spirit fox to be suspicious. So they could just follow and pretend to be regular students.
Remembering my brother, Takai, led me to remember the reason I was becoming a shinigami in the first place. Guilt raged through my body, just remembering I was the cause of the damage not only to my Obaa-chan, but to my neighbors as well. They won't even come around anymore. Personally, I don't see the problem. I don't know how the other kids got hurt. Fire's rarely hurt me.
"Oh dear, she's ripping off Hitsugaya's back story..." Kana said, and then wrote it down. "Wait, her full name is Kanami Kimura?"
"She even has a similar name to Tosen!" Cerrin remarked.
"I don't think that's really a charge, but I'll put it down anyway." Kana and Cerrin then pretended to chat while the Sue let her spirit fox read her schedule.
"Foxes can read?" Cerrin glanced over.
"Of course it can. It's 'speshul'." Kana sighed and grabbed a random class schedule off the guy handing them out. He didn't mind, he seemed to be unaware of anything going on around him. Cerrin did the same. They followed the Sue to the Generic Dormitories, keeping an eye out for any other non-canons so they could keep track of them. Another student walked over to the Sue.
"Hey! I'm Ootami Ryuusuke! What's your name? I tried to talk to you before, but you just disappeared," said the hyper active and overly chipper soul.
"Strange, he doesn't act or sound hyper at all. He sounds like a regular guy." Cerrin stated.
"Suethors are terrible at writing dialogue." Kana said, pretending to read her schedule. "Or perhaps this Sue is so crabby she thinks anyone who talks to her is hyperactive. Check him with the CAD." Cerrin hid the CAD behind her schedule and checked the display.
Ryuusuke Ootami. Non canon. Shinigami student. Male.
"Ah, a bit character. He seems to be the character who's supposed to be the annoying rival slash love interest to the Sue. Because they're always the same person." Kana observed their conversation. "A Sue who claims to understand sarcasm. I love unintentional humour."
"Seems to me, he's actually being sarcastic to her but she doesn't get it." Cerrin put away her CAD, and winced as the Sue grabbed Ryuusuke and threw him to the floor. "Ouch, she just flipped him."
"I'm going to add 'unnecessary violence' to the list." Kana sighed and wrote it down. "Ignore him, he'll be fine. Follow the Sue." They trotted after her, pretending to be lost. The Sue stopped to talk to a woman. "Quick, pretend to be having a conversation with me."
"Do you like pie?"
"Keep it mission related, please."
"I'm just asking so I can pack food for the next mission. Do you like pie?"
"Yes, I like pie. Now pay attention to the Sue."
"I knew you liked pie! Everyone loves pie."
"Shut. Up." Cerrin shut up. "According to that teacher, the guy the Sue just flipped is a noble."
"Shouldn't she be in trouble for that?"
"Apparently she's being let off. No, she's being congratulated for it. Not that we can blame the poor woman, she's under the influence of a Sue. We can just leave her, I doubt she's going to give us any trouble." They watched as the teacher gave the Sue a warning about a strict weapons teacher and then showed her the way to the dormitory. The Sue left, and then the teacher's expression went blank and she wandered off aimlessly.
"Is she ok?"
"Most non canons tend be zombie-like without a Sue around. Unless they have a personality of their own, and that teacher is just a random exposition character."
The words shifted to show an 'amusing' skit with the author begging for reviews, and Hitsugaya saying she couldn't write.
"I hate it when they borrow the canons and make them do those skits." Kana smacked herself on the forehead with her schedule. The author's notes and disclaimer passed, then the story began again. The Sue entered her Generic Dormitory ("I don't think the Academy would have solid wood doors," Cerrin whispered), and the two of them stayed in the corridor and listened as the Sue met her room mates.
"Yay! More friends! This is so much fun! What's you're name? I'm Aiko, but you can call me Ai-chan, can I call you chan too? How do you like the academy so far? I think the room's a little stuffy, but with a little bit of work we can have it shinny and clean!" Her bubbly voice was like sandpaper to my ears.
"Ai-chan, t-that's not n-nice. I t-t-think she'd p-prefer it if y-you didn't jump a-all over her... The second one sounded petite and quiet, like she didn't speak often.
"More bit characters? Oh how wonderful." Kana remarked. "And they have incredibly generic personalities to boot." The hyper OC, Aiko, had grabbed the Sue, knocked her to the floor and was now asking her to play pranks. The Sue grabbed Aiko buy her collar and tried to lift her up.
"Er, how can you lift someone like that while being hugged, and being flat on the floor?" Cerrin stared at the strange spectacle.
"I don't know, but she's doing it." Kana wrote down 'breaking the laws of anatomy and physics' to the list. The nervous OC, Haruhi, introduced herself and asked the Sue if they were in the same class.
"This dorm's a bit small." Cerrin stated. "You'd think that there's probably hundreds of students, they'd have more to a dorm."
"And better matched personalities too. Don't expect that kind of logic from a Suethor. In fact, don't expect any kind of logic at all." Kana whispered. "Let's skip ahead to the next part, this is dragging on and we have enough charges yet." Kana set the portal generator and they moved forward, the Words flowing around them. They ended up in a Generic Classroom, and got seats in the row behind the Sue.
"Kana-chan!" Kana almost turned around, but realised it was someone calling to the Sue. It was Ryuusuke, the OC who had been thrown to the ground by the Sue earlier. He sat next to her. The Sue punched him in the head and he pretended to be upset. Cerrin giggled and Kana smiled.
"I love it when the OCs annoy the Sues." Kana said, and laughed quietly. Another OC came over, and Cerrin quickly scanned him with the CAD.
Keiichi Yagami. Non canon, Shinigami student, male.
"They're popping up like weeds." Kana sighed. Cerrin put the CAD away quickly. Keiichi sat next to the Sue, and Ryuusuke sat in the row behind the Sue... right next to them. "Crap." Kana muttered. Ryuusuke didn't have time to talk to them, thankfully, as the teacher came into the room and started talking to the students.
"Shouldn't they have like an entry ceremony or something?" Cerrin whispered.
"I believe that they have a special class or a seminar of some kind, according to one of the extra chapters of the manga," Kana whispered back. 'But she seems to have missed it out." The Sue tried to stare out the window, seemingly to make a point about being blind again. "We get it already, please." Kana rested her chin on her hand and pretended to be listening to the teacher. After the Sue had a pointless conversation with Keiichi about her spirit fox, Kana set the generator ahead to the weapons class, jumping past the pointless stuff in-between.
"Do we need to be in the class?"
"We can just watch the Sue get beaten up."
"Wait, shouldn't she just win all the fights because she's a Sue?"
"I think she's just trying to gain sympathy." They grabbed two wooden swords from the rack and joined the rest of the zombie-like students in combat practice. "Don't attract too much attention. Watch the Sue."
After the class was over, the Sue went to have a bath. Kana sighed.
"This seems to go on forever." Kana said. "We haven't got enough charges, and I'm not sure I can take much more of this banality."
"I know." Cerrin leant against the generic wall.
"I do recall from the mission description that in sixth chapter, they go to the real world on a field trip and get attacked by some Hollows."
"Kana, is she doing what I think she's doing?" Cerrin asked, even though she knew the answer.
"Why yes, she is. Shall we skip ahead and observe?"
"Lets." The words flew around them as the story advanced, skipping to the sixth chapter, about halfway through the chapter. "Ohh, I'm going to be sick."
"It serves you right for drinking so much. Purple Stuff can only do so much." Kana chided her, even though she felt nauseous herself. Portalling and other temporal activities made you feel ill, whether you were drunk or not. Most people got used to it after a while.
One week later.
Our 'Field Trip'.
"Come on Sue, don't be like that." Kana whispered. "You're going to love being a hero later."
"Hey, where are all the teachers?" Cerrin looked around. There were only students.
"Apparently a tenth year student is taking charge." Kana answered. "He must be really stupid to have been held back so much, seeing as it's a six year course." The Sue was lamenting her apparently bad fortune at the group she was in. "There are other subjects besides sword fighting and kido." Kana shook her head. "We need to be in groups of three, pick a random student to follow us around, and for the PPC's sake don't say to anything to them." Cerrin dragged a male student over to them, saying they were in the same group and smiling. He didn't really protest much, in fact he didn't do much at all. Kana continued listening to the Sue as she formulated a plan of some kind with her team mates, two boys. One was the guy named Keiichi from earlier, and other was called Shino. "Wait, are they making a hollow attack plan?"
"First years hunting hollows on a field trip?" Cerrin looked shocked. "What, do they do that?"
"Of course not, you dummy, first years wouldn't have the knowledge, experience or power to kill a hollow. I doubt any of the students, aside from the best of the upper years students, would take on hollows. Of course a Suethor wouldn't think like that." Kana added 'implausible training exercise' to the list.
"Strategist my ass. Her plan sucks." Cerrin remarked.
"You're right; I doubt a first year's binding spell would hold a Hollow. And I doubt destructive spells would do much either, but she is a Sue, remember."
"Uh huh." Cerrin dragged the male student that they were dragging around with them and they went to find a vantage point. "Can I name him?"
"Cerrin, you cannot adopt random non-canons."
"Aw, but he's cute. And squishy. I shall call him Squishy! Come on Squishy, let's kill some Sue!" She laughed and dragged the poor guy by his arm as they followed the Sue. Kana shook her head and made a mental note to beat Cerrin round the head when they got back to Headquarters. They followed the other students through the world gate, Kana holding on to Cerrin, making sure she didn't end up wandering off. Everyone had been assigned older students to their groups but the one they had was as zombie-like as the rest of the non-canons around them. The Sue complained a bit, then the teacher gave them instructions.
"Everyone, listen up! There are over two-hundred false hollows spread among five square miles. Find them, and defeat as many as you can with your teams within two hours. IF you 'die', you and your team will be brought back here by your upperclassman. 10 hollows is a C, 15 a B and more than 20 a A. Understood?"
"Oh, they are dummy hollows after all. It was just not said earlier." Kana sighed.
All too soon, our upperclassman ushered us into our assigned area. A voice on a loudspeaker resonated throughout the area.
"Just do as I say and let me fight any dummies." Kana said.
"Yes ma'am!" Cerrin did a mock salute and drew her sword. "I'll just pretend I'm doing something."
"Oh dear." Kana watched as the Sue used a destructive spell on a dummy hollow. "She just performed a level fifty-four spell with no incantation. Well, that's definitely a charge." The Sue's group destroyed dummies for a while, and then a very predictable plot twist happened and some real hollows appeared. "Oh my." Kana said a deadpan tone. "I absolutely did not see that coming. Why, it's just like being in the anime, when those hollows attacked Abarai's group. However did she come up with that idea?"
"I know. While it's tempting to knock her out and let them eat her, we have to charge her first. Watch, take notes, then skip ahead. I believe that next chapter, two captains visit her in the hospital and fuss over her."
"Ohh. I think I feel sick again, and it's not the alcohol or the portalling." Cerrin said, groaning.
"I know dear. You get used to it. Now run, the hollows are coming after us and they can see us!" Cerrin squeaked and ran, and Kana followed. Cerrin quickly ran back to drag 'Squishy' with them, and ran forward again. "Leave him!"
"Aw." Cerrin let go of him.
"He's a soulless random character. If he survives, he could integrate into canon, but his best use right now is as our meatshield. Come on!" They joined the small group who had gathered to hide, who were conveniently all the named students. No unnamed ones had escaped.
"Now what?" Cerrin whispered. They were very close to the Sue, but she didn't seem to take any notice. After all, they'd been in her class, there was no need for her to be suspicious of them.
"It looks like the tenth year is going to try to be a hero." Kana whispered. "I was right, he is dumb." They watched as the dumb one and an even dumber one tried to fight the Hollows, thus alerting them to the students' presence. The Sue borrowed a sword off one of her classmates and stood in front of the Hollow (which, in another rip off from the manga and anime, was a Huge Hollow) and got eviscerated. No, of course she didn't, there was no such luck. She dodged its attack, slashed it on the arm and got knocked into a building.
"Heh." Cerrin laughed. "I hope that really hurt."
"If blood was pooling in her lungs, she'd be coughing it up. And that attack would probably have broken something. Ah, Sue logic." Kana groaned again as the Sue did another kido spell- high level, no incantation. "Raikohou does not mean 'Lightning Tiger Cannon', it translates as 'Thunder Roar Cannon'. There's no tiger in there! And stop doing them without any incantations, you're a first year... oh, she's going to die." The Hollow smacked the Sue again, giving the two of them something to laugh about. It swiped her off a cliff, triggering a very trippy zanpakuto discovering scene.
"Breath, Arashi no Yuuwakusha! Burn, Yougan no Saisei!"
"She has a dual zanpakuto," Kana stated, seething with rage, "and they have different names! Strange ones too. 'Storm's Courageous Frame Inn'? Or 'Red Death's Braided Excited Copy'? What are those even meant to be translated as? I say we can kill her just for that, there are only two dual zanpakuto in Soul Society, and she doesn't have one of them." The Sue was somehow teleported back on top of the cliff ("I hope she means shunpo" Kana said, then sighed exasperatedly) and killed the Hollow with her shikai ability, which seemed to be burning things with a lot of fire. Then she fainted.
"The chapter's over, just the author's note to go and a bit of the next chapter until we hit a really big canon violation." Cerrin smiled. "I'm looking forward to it.
"A little more to endure, then we can kill her." Kana handed Cerrin her notebook as the words of the inane author's note swirled past. "You take down the charges, I'm going to take to take care of the Sue. No Sue is allowed to share my name and get away with it." The scene shifted, and they were in a generic hospital room. The Sue was only semi conscious, so they hid behind a generic screen and waited. Several non-canons tried to come into the room and they were made to leave by a nurse.
"Oh my! She's awake!"
"Quick! Get the captains!"
"How the hell is getting the captains going to help her?"
"Erm... Captain Unohana might be healing her?"
"I really doubt that they'd get her to heal an injured student when are many in Fourth Company who are perfectly capable of taking care of her. Oh wait, it's a Sue. Never mind."
"She's yelling at everyone as usual." Cerrin whispered. "Shouldn't she be glad to be alive?"
"Well, she hasn't shown any gratitude to anyone in this fic so far, so I doubt she'll start now." Kana drew her zanpakuto very quietly. "We wait for the best moment to strike. She's injured, so she won't be able to fight back." One of the non-canons entered the room. It was Ryuusuke.
"I feel sorry for him." Cerrin whispered as he started crying. "He's been nice to her and she's made him into her whipping boy."
"We can't take him back I'm afraid, but he'll probably assimilate into the canon nicely once she's dead." The scene changed as the Sue fell unconscious, and Ryuusuke left. They were still in the same room, but two more people were in there.
"Quite the funny one, ne, Juu-chan?"
"Shunsui. . ."
The voices were quiet, gentle, aware of the charge sleeping in front of them.
"Kyoraku would not call him that in public." Kana whispered, shaking her head. She made sure the CAD was muted before pointing it at them.
[Jushiro Ukitake. Shinigami. Male. Canon OOC 20.3
[Shunsui Kyoraku. Shinigami. Male. Canon OOC 35
"Stupid fangirls." Cerrin added. "And look, the Cute Animal Friend is back."
"I can take care of them all. Finish the charge list, it's nearly time." They listened to the Sue explain things for a long time, bored stiff, but not wanting to start attacking while two of the most powerful captains were in the room. Kana waited, holding the hilt of her zanpakuto tightly. The two captains fussed over her, and making canon characters behave like her personal nurses slash carers was added the list. When they left, the scene changed again. This time, the room was full of all the non-canon characters that the Suethor had added. Kana steeped out from behind the screen and held up her zanpakuto. "Cerrin, the list!" Cerrin stepped out from behind the screen with the notebook.
"Hey, aren't you two in our class?" Ryuusuke asked.
"W-w-what are y-you doing with y-your z-z-zanpakuto?" Haruhi whimpered. Poor non canons. Unfortunately, it seemed like they might have to kill them all after all. Cerrin began to read the list.
"It's Kana!" The Sue yelled at them. "Who the hell are you?" All the non-canons seemed to be a bit too surprised to do anything. Riku growled and stood protectively at the end of the bed.
"No, I'm Kana" Kana pointed her sword at the Sue. "You're an insult to my name and to my senses. Cerrin, keep reading."
"Kanami Kimura, you are charged with being a Mary Sue, ripping off Tosen, ripping off Hitsugaya's back story, creating annoying non-canons, having a Cute Animal Friend that is also of a non canonical species, using unnecessary violence, breaking the laws of physics and anatomy, being a bitch, performing kido perfectly even though you've never done it before, performing high level kido without incantation, having a dual zanpakuto with absolutely incomprehensible names, creating a dangerous situation just to show off, being powerful enough to defeat a Huge Hollow with no experience whatsoever, ripping off canon events to suit yourself, raping canon, making canon characters act out of character, sharing a name with a PPC agent and annoying PPC agents. I'll let Kana do the honours." Cerrin smiled and took a few good long steps back. Kana smiled.
"Thank you." She said. "Collect, Hitsujinomure!" Her zanpakuto changed shape, it now resembled a wooden shepherd's crook with a red string and two silver bells tied to it, just below where it started to curve. The non-canons all drew their zanpakuto and readied to fight her. "Kaimin!" She twirled her crook around. Purple clouds of gas started to form, spewing from the tip of Hitsujinomure, forming into several little clouds and then forming into the shapes of sheep. Everyone stared at the sheep clouds, bewildered. Everyone except the Sue of course.
"What the hell are they doing?" the Sue asked. The gaseous sheep became solid, floated in the air for a moment, then burst into huge showers of dust.
"Goodnight." Kana said as the dust landed on them. They started to run at her, but as they did they all fell asleep and collapsed on the floor.
"Sleeping dust? I thought you were going to kill her?"
"I am, but not with this."
"I thought it was poison gas."
"Then you would be dead too, idiot. Gas disperses." Kana sealed her zanpakuto and put it back in its sheath. She handed Cerrin her neuralyser and a pair of sunglasses. "Kill the animal, preferably very quickly, and wait for the non-canons to wake up. They should all wake up soon, when they do you have to erase their memories. Put the sunglasses on before you use that thing though, it's dangerous if you're not careful." Kana grabbed the Sue, picked her up, carried her over to the window and threw her out of it. "Damn, we're only on the second floor. I wish Fourth Division had more floors." The landing had woken the Sue up, she was screaming in pain. Determined to relieve her of her pain, Kana jumped out of the window, landed next her and drew her sword.
"Why are you doing this?" The Sue asked, coughing up blood.
"It's my job. All offence meant." Kana said, before stabbing the Sue straight in the throat.
"I'm so glad that's over." Kana said as the Sue's corpse sank into the grey, ravenous matter that made up the dangai, and the spirit fox's corpse followed. A good way to dispose of bodies, since anything caught in it was absorbed and lost forever.
"I erased everyone's memories like you said and told them they were all ordinary students. I can't wait for my next mission, that was fun!" Cerrin whooped, giggling.
"Are you serious?" Kana stared at Cerrin. "You're a very special kind of crazy."
"Is that good?"
"It may just be. Let's get back, I need to erase the memory of Kana from my mind with some Bleepka."
"I thought you said no one should mention Kana's name-"
"Do you want me to stab you?"