I dreamt about this last night.
Yes. I dream weird dreams.

ALTERNATE ENDING!


(Let's take it back a little bit...)

Sweeney: Cause when we use our minds and take a step at a time, we can do ANYTHING...

Mrs. Lovett: (giddy and licking Sweeney's face) BOW BOW!!

Sweeney: (jazz hands) THAT WE WANNA DO!!

(JUST THEN, Pirelli flies through the air and bursts through the window, tight-panted bulge first. He is simultaneously singing a high C for dramatic effect.)

Sweeney: (pouting and still sporting spirit fingers) How dare you interrupt my jazz hands?

(Pirelli pelvic thrusts himself into the light and reveals that he is a molding immortal corpse. He opens his mouth to speak but is unable; all that comes forth is a piercing, never-ending high C.)

Mrs. Lovett: (jumps off of Sweeney's shoulder and growls) WOOF.

(Sweeney, upset that he isn't the center of attention, clutches his fists in anger. Calmly, he walks over to his teapot, grabs it firmly by the handle and approaches Pirelli from behind.

As a result of Pirelli's singing, Turpin and Anthony have broken out in heaving sobs.)

Sweeney: (again beating Pirelli over the head with the teapot and singing loudly) I AM A PRETTY LITTLE DUTCH GIRL, AS PRETTY AS I CAN BE! AND ALL THE BOYS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD ARE CRAZY OVER MEEEE!

(Turpin and Anthony are happy that there's music again, they clap merrily, enjoying the violence.)

Turpin: (singing) My boyfriend's name is Mellow!

Anthony: (singing along) He comes from the land of jello!

Both: (waltzing with each other around the room) WITH PICKLES FOR HIS TOES AND A CHERRY FOR HIS NOSE...THAT'S THE WAY MY STORY GOES!

(Toby, bursting through the door, shoots Anthony and Turpin with a large rifle.)

Toby: (heaving with agony) SHUT....THE FUCK UP.

(Toby retreats downstairs to watch Bromance.

Sweeney leers over Pirelli's mangled undead body.)

Sweeney: (breathless) ...I has a bucket.

(Passing out, he falls onto his red barbering chair. Unfortunately, the fall was so heavy that he immediately was flung backward to fall through the trapdoor.

He lands with a great thud.)

Sweeney: (barely audible) ...They be stealing my bucket!

(Mrs. Lovett, flustered, barks at Pirelli's body and runs around it on hands and knees. She stops after a moment, lifts her leg, and pees on him.)

Mrs. Lovett: Hell to the hell to the HELL to the NO.