Chapter 8: Edward Cullen
When I left her, I thought it was for the best. I was putting her in danger every minute. First it was James, and then Jasper, my very own brother. Even though my family and I were supposedly the "good" vampires, we had wanted her blood. I couldn't cope with the fact that I could be next.
What if I were to attack her?
I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. Not even if I lived a hundred thousand years.
"You… don't… want me?" She asked tentatively.
"No." It was a lie; the blackest kind of blasphemy.
"You're not good for me, Bella."
It pained me to see the look of comprehension on her face when I told her she was not good for me.
"If… that's what you want," she replied dully.
It was cruel how quickly she believed me. How easily she thought that I could never—would never—want her as much as she wanted me. How she shrank away from me, her face crumpling, as if I had torn her soul away from her. I could see the pain that her whole body succumbed to.
I turned away, not able to endure the pain I caused her.
But I was hurt, too.
It hurt, as if someone repeatedly slashed at my unbeating heart with a rusty knife. The pain felt slow and jagged. It lingered on and made my whole body weak.
Although this was what I had hoped to happen, it was painful to actually see that my Bella, the one I had given my heart to, was giving up. After all those times I've told her I love her, and after all those times I've told her there was no other, how could she so easily let one word break her faith in me? How could she doubt me?
I wanted to give her the life I couldn't give her, the life she would've had if she had never met me, but a part of me didn't want to leave. I wanted to be selfish and have her all to myself. I wanted to be the last one she sees before she goes to sleep and the first when she wakes. It was a tough battle, but the rational part of me won over.
I wanted to protect her, but I would never be able to fulfill that task if I was with her. I saw what I was doing to her, constantly putting her life at risk simply by being with her, and taking her away from the world she belonged in.
In truth, I was not good for her. And her world… it had no place for me.
I held her close, savoring the moment. Because this was the last time I'd be able to touch her, to be with her. Pressing my lips to her forehead, I said my final goodbye.
"Take care of yourself."
And I jumped up into one of the trees, far enough so she wouldn't be able to see me.
With shaky legs, she ran towards my direction, stumbling once. She ran past my tree without noticing, pushing the branches that were in her way. I heard the racing of her heart as she took off deeper into the forest. Her foot caught on one of the roots and she fell.
I wanted to go to her. To lift her up and hold her in my arms. I wanted to brush away those tears that she bravely kept from me earlier.
I wanted so desperately to get on my knees and beg for her to take me back. To apologize to her over and over until she forgave me. Maybe then, this whole nightmare would end.
But I couldn't bring my limbs to function. I wanted to go to her, but I also didn't.
I swallowed hard and clenched my jaw. If this was the best for her, I would have to bear with it. Eventually, she would forget. After a while, the pain would subside. She was only human—time heals all wounds for her kind.
And so with one last glance at my Bella, I ran out of the forest.
I had to do what was best for her.
Trees and lights passed by me in a flash. I didn't know where I was driving to. Just knew I had to leave.
I felt cold and empty. As if I had lost my will to live – no, to exist. I couldn't bring myself to exist as I had the centuries before I met Bella.
What had I been doing all those years?
Existing without Bella. I didn't know if I was capable of such a thing.
Then I felt something vibrating in my pocket. I pulled the phone out and put it to my ear.
"Bella got into a car accident! I don't know what'll happen to her. Her future's blurry right now. You have to go to her!"
I dropped the phone and made a quick U-turn, stepping on the gas pedal as hard as I could.
"Edward? Edward!" I heard Alice call from the other line.
I couldn't bring myself to pick up the phone right now. Bella was in danger. I had to go back.
I gripped the steering wheel tighter, wishing my car would go faster. This was my fault. All my fault. If only I hadn't left her in that forest by herself!
If anything happened to Bella, I wouldn't forgive myself.
God, please don't take Bella away from me. She has so much to live for.
I wasn't sure if God existed, but I found myself praying for Bella's safety. Because that was all I could do.
It was nighttime by the time I arrived at the hospital. She was here, I could smell her scent. I was a bit relieved, but it still didn't take the guilt away from me.
I ran towards her room and hid in a tree so I could watch her. She was lying on a bed with all types of wires attached to her body. She was also wrapped up in plaster. She must be in a great deal of pain right now.
A pang of guilt shot through me. She was in this state because of me. I was the one who brought her to that forest. I shouldn't have taken her so far from home!
I gave the trunk a punch and tree quivered. If only I had stayed longer… made sure that she returned home safely…
The last time she was in the hospital was because of me, too. Because I hadn't arrived sooner… because I was unable to protect her from James. I'd put Bella's life in danger time and time again. Even though I parted ways with her, she still ended up on a hospital bed. If only I could go back in time… to have never come back from Alaska after I met her. Her life would've been better off then.
I knew it was pathetic to sulk in that ideal, but I couldn't deal with the guilt. I couldn't bear with the pain that I've caused her. What more damage could I cause to the girl that I love?
I perched in the tree, just watching her sleep, listening to the beeping of the monitor as well as her heart.
How I wished to hold her, to touch her warm cheeks. But I couldn't allow myself that proximity. I promised her that I would disappear, that it'd be as if I'd never existed. The last thing I could do for her was to hold true to that promise.
At some point, the doctor came in with Charlie. I felt the sharp stabs of pain as the doctor explained her situation. All her broken bones… all the pain she's going through… all because of me.
What I hadn't expected was her amnesia. My wish earlier… if only we'd never met. If she had amnesia, did that mean she wouldn't remember me?
This incident had turned out for the better. If she didn't remember me, she'd be able to live her life normally. No vampires threatening her life every single minute. She wouldn't need to go through the pain she went through in the forest. The pain which I saw tearing her apart.
She would find love, grow old, and be able to have a family.
A life she couldn't have with me.
I continued watching as the doctor and Charlie discussed the matter. My Bella. Finally able to move on. After she recovers from the accident, she would be able to live her life anew.
A normal life…
But I couldn't bring myself to be fully happy for her. Was the love that we shared that easily buried? If she had really loved me the way I loved her… surely she wouldn't be able to forget me so easily?
I shook my head, trying to clear myself of such thoughts.
This is what you wanted from the beginning, Edward. It's what's best for her.
I listened to my conscience and sat still, simply watching her.
What's best for her. Nothing else matters.
I could hear Charlie's thoughts. I knew that Cullen kid was no good for her. I should've prevented him from seeing her. If it weren't for him, Bella wouldn't be in this mess now! Next time I see him, I'm gonna teach him a lesson.
Too bad he wouldn't ever see me again.
I couldn't help but feel rueful. Charlie was dead-on in his accusations. It indeed was my fault. I wished I could apologize to him. For ever hurting his daughter. For ever making him worry.
As Bella awoke later that day, a psychologist was sent to do a few tests on her to check the extent of her brain injury. Bella did not know who Charlie was and she thought she still lived in Arizona with her mother. Her amnesia was evident.
"Does the name Edward Cullen sound familiar?"
If my heart could still beat, it would've sped up as Bella's heart had. She squeezed her eyes tight, as if she was in pain. Did her reaction explain anything? Did she remember?
I felt frustrated more than ever that I could not read her mind.
I found myself clutching the tree trunk, anxiously waiting for the answer.
After a few minutes, she replied. "No, that name doesn't sound familiar."
And I could feel the phantom racing of my unbeating heart stop once again.
Had I expected a different answer?
Author's note: Errr... hello? Sorry, I haven't updated in who knows how long.. It was because of Vanessa L.'s review in my new fanfic The World I Know, that I found out she was still waiting for an update on this story. After so long, I didn't think anyone would still be interested, but she proved me wrong! And I was so touched, so I tried to get this chapter out as soon as possible. Thanks for the motivation, Nessa!
That's all for this chapter. Let me know if you liked Edward's point of view. There's more to come ...Hopefully, hahaha.