Disclaimer: I wished I owned it, but I don't.

Five ways Rhys died (and one he didn't) By Starlite1


"Rhys, we need to talk…" Gwen stuttered nervously, not daring to leave the cover of the entryway.

"Oh, what about?" He said blithely as he walked out of the kitchen.

Gwen took a deep breath, "You know how I work with alien technology?"

Rhys none-too-subtly rolled his eyes, "Of course. I've seen the bloody things that make them, haven't I?"

"They're not things, Rhys! How many time do I have to tell you that quite a few of them are people, just like us!"

"Then why aren't any of them down in the basement of Torchwood? Or living next door or sommat?"

"They've got the common sense to stay away, haven't they?" Gwen sighed,

"Anyway…there was an accident at work today…"

With a frustrated sigh, Rhys asked, "Did jumpin' Jack Harkness die again? I honestly don't know how he keeps up with all the funeral tabs!"

"Erm… No… But you were right about the accident involving him…"

"And?" Rhys demanded, "I can sense there's an and lurking there!"

"And me…"

Rhys flopped down on the couch, "Bloody fantastic! So what happened, and why are you bothering to tell me?"

"Well," Slowly Gwen moved out of the shadows, revealing an overly round belly,

"I'm sorta knocked up…"

There was a crash as Rhys fell to the floor.

Jack came rushing through the door, gun out, "What happened?!"

"He saw me and just…" Gwen stumbled.

Jack reached out to feel his neck, "Died."

"Oh that's just great!" Gwen moaned, "And I didn't even tell him it's triplets!"



"Hey Gwen!" Rhys called as he waltzed through the cog door.

"Rhys!" She half-screamed in shock, spinning around in her chair, "How'd you-?"

Rhys blinked in confusion, "What?"

"Get down here?" She continued, slightly bemused.

His eyes widened in realisation, "Oh, the guy on the front desk-Ianto? - He let me in."

"O-kay…" She was definitely going to have a word to him later. Or three. And none would be pleasant. Quickly she returned to her computer, hoping that she hadn't lost her train of thought in the process of dealing with the unexpected intruder.

For a while, it worked. She was quite happy typing away, whilst Rhys idled on the handrail. If she had watched him more closely, she may have noticed…

"A pogo stick!" Rhys called out in excitement, grasping the device, "I haven't been on one in-"

"No!" Gwen called out.

It was too late.

As blood squirted out all over the ground, she called out in annoyance, "Who left the Birumian spear gun laying about!?"

"I was about to put it in the archives, Gwen!" Ianto replied as he entered the main hub, "Why are you-"

Gwen glared at him.


"Oh's right, Mr. Jones." She stated quietly, her voice revealing the barely restrained anger that she was about to unleash.

With a resigned sigh, he muttered, "I'll go get the bleach and the mop."



Gwen was half looking forward to, half dreading the weekly team outing. Partially because the night usually ended with her trying to bargain with Andy to get Owen and Jack out of a trip down to the station, and partially because this week Owen had decided to invite her boyfriend along in the hopes of some "male bonding".

"Good evenin'!" Rhys called cheerfully as he descended on the invisible rift beside Jack. Gwen wasn't surprised which was the better eyecandy.

"We nearly ready to go people?" Jack asked, carefully stepping off the square of concrete.

Gwen spared a glance to him, smiling as Tosh began muttering to herself.

"Pretty close, I'd say." Owen answered for them, "As soon as we can drag the workaholic trio away from their desks, we should be ready to hit the town."

"Gwen?" Jack repeated, "How're you going?"

"Just one last…" She quickly typed into the machine, "There!"

Suddenly an extremely girlish cry echoed across the Hub, "HELP!!!!!"

All five members of Torchwood three turned towards the ceiling, and more accurately towards Myfanwy's nest.

"Right," Gwen demanded, "Who forgot to feed the pterodactyl?"



"Oh shit!" Gwen cursed as she was leaving the Hub.

Jack poked his head in, "What's up?"

"We're all out of coffee at home. I promised Rhys I'd get him some more…" Gwen explained, searching for where she'd left her jacket.

Ianto huffed in annoyance, "You actually drink that second rate stuff?"

Gwen stared at him as if he'd grown a second head, "You have so little faith in me, Ianto. I wait until I get in here to get my java fix. My boyfriend on the other hand would drink tar and think it was a good brew."

"I think I saw some in the kitchen that might do the trick." Jack remarked idly, "I'll just go check."

"Thanks, Jack." Gwen replied, a smile of relief on her face.

"Here it is!" he called, carrying the ancient looking container and placing it in her hands, "Smells good. Should do the trick."

"I'll take your word for it!" She commented, before rushing out the door.

The next morning…

The sunlight streamed through the window, warming her face.

She bolted upright. Sunlight? She thought to herself. After all, she usually woke up to the dull grey light of five a.m. or the gentle shaking of Rhys as he brought her a cup of coffee, which would usually mysteriously find its way down the toilet.

Blearily she wandered out into the kitchen. She almost fell flat on her face as she came into contact with a cold lump in the middle of the dining room floor.

"What the-?" She muttered, finally managing to open her eyes to find Rhys lying face down in a puddle of the coffee she'd brought home from yesterday…

When her phone started to ring, she couldn't help but feel grateful.

"Hello, Gwen speaking." She answered.

"Gwen, it's Tosh. I'm in at the Hub" Came the reply.

"What's up? Even you usually go home on Saturdays." Gwen questioned.

There was a slightly nervous pause down the line, "Well, I had some results I couldn't wait to find out about. You see, back in the sixties, the team at the time had a strange powder wash through the rift. Luckily it was in a package. Only problem is that it was destroyed when their idiot of a scientist tried to analyse it, so they ended up storing it in an old coffee container. You know the ones?"

"Oh, yes, very well." Gwen muttered, a sense of dread settling in her chest, "So what was this sample?"

"Suprisingly enough, one of the deadliest neurotoxins I've ever seen. Funnily enough it only becomes lethal in hot water."

"And by hot water you mean?"

She could almost hear Tosh shrug down the line, "Anything above forty, forty five degrees centigrade. Quite in the range of a normal kettle."

"Oh shit."



There were many strange things in the Torchwood basement.

The last thing anyone expected to see there was a Dalek who was in need of some deep psychotherapy.

"How. Do. We. Not. Kill. Miss. Gwen?" the Dalek fondly known as Rusty asked.

Gwen sighed, resisting the urge to lay a supportive hand on it, knowing the consequences from the last time someone had/would do that, "I'm not sure, Rusty. Maybe we just allow our emotions not to get the better of us."

"Emotions. Are. Wrong." Rusty firmly stated in his electronic drone.

Gwen shrugged, "Not all emotions. Love's a good one. Makes you feel all gooey inside. With the right person."

"Do. You. Feel. This. With. Rhys?" Rusty inquired, intrigued.

Gwen paused, "I dunno. I suppose I do to some extent. Otherwise I wouldn't be marrying him, would I?"

"What. Is. This. Concept?" Rusty pleaded, the pitch of his monotone rising slightly, "I. Am. Unfamiliar. With. It."

Gwen stopped, "I guess most people get married 'cause they love each other. Sometimes they want to start a family."

"In. Order. To. Create. Superior. Progeny?" Rusty eagerly added.

Gwen returned to her readings, "I suppose that's one way to look at it. If you find someone compatible, then you tend to get married."

"Why. Then. Are. You. Not. Married. To. Captain. Jack. Harkness?" Rusty demanded

"Jack?" Gwen repeated in bewilderment.

"Offspring. Between. Captain. Jack. Harkness. And. Miss. Gwen. Would. Be. Far. Genetically. Superior."

"I dunno. Maybe 'cause it was never quite the right time for me to get involved with him. Probably because I'm engaged to Rhys."


"I'm supposed to get married to him. I've promised that we'd get married. And on the big day…we'll do the entire 'till death do us part promise."

"You. Will. Be. Married. To. Him?"


"Until. One. Of. You. Dies?"

"Yes…Why do you ask?" Gwen questioned.

Footsteps echoed down the corridor outside, "Gwen?" called out her boyfriend.

"Down here, Rhys!" She replied, not noticing the Dalek's darting eyestalk or its rapidly increasing swaying.

Rhys poked his head around the corner, "There you are! And who's this?"

"Rusty, this is Rhys. My boyfriend." Gwen introduced, not wanting to hurt either of the party's feelings.

Rusty's plunger began waving around ferociously, "Analysis. Confirmed. Rhys. Is. A. Genetically. Inferior. Specimen!"

"What are you talking about?!" Rhys demanded, marching blithely up to Rusty.

Rusty became even more angry, "Rhys. Is. Preventing. The. Genetically. Superior. Marriage. Of. Miss. Gwen. And. Jack. Harkness!"

"What the hell's he going on about!!" Rhys half-wailed.

"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!!" Rusty screamed, a green ray enveloping Rhys, who fell to the ground stone dead.

Gwen blinked.

"Miss. Gwen?" Rusty timidly asked.

Slowly she turned to face Rusty, "Yes, Rusty?"

Sinking down on his anti-gravity cushion, he continued, "May. I. Please. Have. My. Teddy?"


And one he didn't.

"GWEN!" Rhys shouted down the phone.

Gingerly Gwen held the device away from her ear, "What's the rule about calling me at work?"

She could hear him hiss in annoyance, "It's a bloody emergency, Gwen!"

"Gwen!" Jack shouted from the conference room, "Come and see this!"

"Sorry hunny, I've got to go!" she babbled, and hung up quickly, before sprinting into the conference room.

"Look at this." Owen said, and the voice of the news presenter filled the room.

"This just in from London. A Mr. Rhys Williams of Cardiff has been found sitting naked on the hour hand of Big Ben, with only a mobile which he used to alert authorities. When asked by police, he replied that a group of aliens called the Rowhides had stolen his clothing and stranded him there in retaliation for a relationship he has maintained with his long-time girlfriend despite earlier warnings."

"And I thought they were joking." Gwen grumbled.

Jack glanced at her, "Haven't you learnt? Aliens don't joke. Unless they're from Andromeda."

"I didn't expect them to be serious about something like this!" she responded sharply.

Jack shrugged, "Maybe we should've taken their advice…"

"Would you two shut up?" Owen grumbled, "You've just figured out what the rest of us have known for months!"

"Police are looking into ways of getting Mr. Williams down, and request that anyone related to the man, or with evidence to give credibility to his story to please contact the criminal investigative squad as soon as possible."

"So should I go and link up the call?" Ianto asked helpfully.

The rest of the team turned towards him, and responded with a resounding, "NO!"


A.N: Any chance of a review?