The Rules of Cobb

Author owns no rights to Firefly, and no copyright infringement is intended:)


I been a merc for a good while, seen 'bout ever place they is to see something in this 'verse. Ain't seen it all, o' course, but a good bit.

I ain't never been accused o' bein' a smart man, but then I don't never let on how much I know 'bout nothin'. Learned a long while back, folks don't want no smart merc workin' for'em.

I've gleaned a pearl or two o' wisdom, here and there, and figured as how I was thinkin' on writin' my memorares, or whatever, I'd take ta writin' down a few of'em.

Rule #1 – Don't never let crazy people around nothin' sharp. They'll cut ya, then mumble some off the wall go se about how much better ya look.

Rule #2 – Don't never take up with a Captain that's got a death wish, or a hero complex. He'll git ya hurt. Or killed. Or near 'et by reavers. Or tracked by bounty hunters. Or Blue Sun. Or damn near anyone else, for that matter. Pick a Captain that's out for the coin, and treats you like crew. That's important.

Rule #3 – Don't be on a ship with a Companion. They think they're better'n you, cause they's all fancy. They're whores, just like the ones in the brothels. Might know a few more tricks, mind, and cost a good bit more, but still.

Rule #4 – Never make the ship's engineer mad. All manner o' things can go wrong with your bunk's climate controls. Ain't worth it.

Rule #5 – Don't never be where reavers are. Period.

Rule #6 – Don't never take the first offer ya git. If'n they want ya bad 'nough, they'll offer more. If they don't, you may need to shoot'em, so be watchin'.

Rule #7 – Ain't nothin' in this 'verse 'free'. Someone tells you it's free, whatever 'it' is, you don't need it.

Rule #8 – Keep away from crazy people. They're dangerous.

Rule #9 – Don't never show fear to no one. 'Cept reavers. That's okay. You ain't scared o' reavers, you ain't right in the head.

Rule #10 – Never let nobody know how much you know, or where you came from. Folks think you're dumb, they'll talk in front o' you, and you learn somethin'. Don't tell ever'thing ya know, neither. Less you say, then the more you know than they do.

Rule #11 – No matter what a whore tells ya, you ain't the first one that's made her feel 'that way'. And she don't 'love' you, neither.

Rule # 12 – Good whisky is for sippin', while talkin' to friends. If'n you're gettin' drunk, may as well drink rotgut. You ain't gonna remember it no how.

Rule #13 – Never tell your ma you're a 'security specialist'. Somehow, they all know that's a lie. Tell her you're a cargo hand. She might believe that, unless you go home wearing 'bout twelve guns, and covered in scars.

Rule #14 – Don't never keep a buncha money on you. Send it to ya folks. You git killed, someone else will take it. Might as well let your family have it. They need it more than anyone who'd rob a dead man.

Rule #15 – If whoever you're workin' for ever says 'I aim to misbehave', quit. Quick like. Trust me on that one.

Rule #16 – When a crazy person starts goin' on about reavers, listen to'em. If'n they're wrong, ain't no harm done. But they might be right.

Rule #17 – If it's a threat, kill it.

Rule #18 – If it might become a threat, sometime in the future, kill it. No sense takin' chances.

Rule #19 – Never turn your back on family. Ever. They got a problem, you got a problem. Ain't no other way to see it.

Rule #20 – Don't think bad things around a reader. Specially if'n she's nutty as a peanut gallery. Matter o' fact, just avoid crazy people all together if ya can. 'Specially cute little brown haired ones with big doe eyes.

These here rules ain't all fast and hard, mind. Just guidelines. You'll hafta adopt'em into how you do things. But stick with the general gist of it, and you'll do all right. Probably.

Got to go. My crazy wife is callin' me.

Good luck.