:: Okay this is set in the episode Heart Of Winter from Jakes POV

:: I own Nothing, nothing at all, all I own it


Cold, not just the cold you can live with, this is cold that hurts your every muscle fibre, your entire body screams for anything just to distract it from this insufferable cold. Mimi and Stanley, are talking, Stanley is giving her the default prep talk. I watch her leave, Stanley cares for her more than he is letting on, who would have thought Stanley the farmer falling for the audit collector.

I shiver violently, this is going to be cold.

"I hope she's okay" I say to Stanley just to break the ice, metaphorically that is not literally.

"She's a survivor, she'll be okay" Stanley says back, trying to hide the concern in his voice.

The ice is back, this time it's colder than ever, I haven't seen this man for 5 years and now I don't know what to say to him. I begin to shiver uncontrollably,, trying desperately not to show Stanley just how weak I'm feeling. To no avail however and he comes over to sit next to me, he put some hay under my head and, as he moves to take of his jacket, I tell him to stop, he proceeds however.

Mimi has been gone for ages now, Stanley is walking around trying to stay warm, I feel bad for taking his jacket. I can't feel my feet, and the leg under the car, is completely numb. In this numb state I begin to drift away, the girls face swimming into view. Far far way, I can hear Stan call out my name, the girl is pulling me away, away from the cold and into complete numbness. Stanley is above me as my eyes open, the girl is still there at the back of my mind calling me. I barely register Stanley's face, all I can see is her long hair, and her big round innocent eyes. She is leaving me as I begin to see the real world more clearly.

Stanley pulls me up into a sitting position, I'm leaning against him completely helpless, and weak. He is talking to me, blinking I try to escape the fog surrounding me still.

"Come-on man I haven't seen you in five years, where have you been"

"Santiago" I mumble back blinking again

"Santiago, huh, what were you doing out there"

"Flying planes" I can still see Iraq and the girl in the corner of my eye.

"Flying planes huh, your grandfather would have been syked. I bet you had a girl tell me about her"

"She's dead" I say seeing her blood on my hands

"oh come on you don't know that it all depends an where she was when the bombs went off right"

"She's dead and it all my fault"

"It's not your fault"

"let me lay down," I say as a fall completely limp against him.

I see Stanley make a scared face as he begins to rub circles on my stomach, comforting my waking nightmare. We sit like that, I can feel the cold running through my veins, poisoning my soul. The cold begins to envelope me, I can't even see the girl any more just blackness covering every part of me. I can vaguely feel snow begin to fall. The darkness is absolute. I feel completely at peace with everything. Suddenly her face appears big and frightening, I can feel a sharp pain on my cheek. It's my mum she has slapped me awake.

"oh thank God"

I lie there, not really aware of what is going on, realise Stanley has gone, Mimi must have found some one. Dad arrives in my line of sight, taking over from mum. As the car drives of I look at my dad. We used to be so close, we used to go hunting at the weekend, I stared at him and realise mum was right, I wasn't afraid of Jonah and his gang nearly as much as I was afraid of my Dad, and what he thought of me.

"Dad I'm sorry" I whisper

"why are you apologising" he says

"when I was in Iraq"


"there was a girl she couldn't have been more than ten or twelve, we stormed her village, I shot her dad, I killed a little girl"

"ssh now we'll talk about it later"

I hear cars arrive, I begin to close my eyes

"stay with me now son"

hands grab me ready to pull when the truck is lifted of me. They pull, I can barely feel it, I'm just too cold. They put me on a board, and carry me to a truck. Mum gets in the back with me, she runs her hands through my hair, I desperately want to go to sleep, but mum keeps me awake, the entire way back to the house. I frightens me how weak I am I would never be able to stand up at the moment, some body picks me up, and carries me into the front room. Blankets arrive from no where and April begins a check up.