(A/N) This is a story that I've been talking about for awhile with one of my friends. It's a little random, and OOC, but I meant for it to be funny.

Summary: We all know that many vampires have trouble controlling their need for human blood once they've decided to live life like the Cullen family. What if Carlisle, being a doctor, decided to help them by starting a support group? What if his whole family went along for the ride? Hilarity ensues as a group of vampires deal with their addictions. The first chapter will just be the steps and traditions for the program. They are adapted from the steps and traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you are familiar with them, you can simply scan them and focus on the related text.

Warning: This story contains references to some material that may not be appropriate for young children. It also has several religious references, so if any of this makes you uncomfortable don't read it.

Disclaimer:I do not own Twilight, nor do I own AA or any related trademarks.

Steps and Traditions

Edward looked from the folder of papers in his hands to his father. He simply couldn't believe what he was saying- or rather thinking. 'How could my father figure even suggest this?' was his only thought.

Edward was looking at a paper that loosely resembled a list of steps to dealing with addiction. But instead of drugs, alcohol, or gambling it was for vampires. This had to be the most ridiculous thing ever. Well, except for that time with Emmett and the...wait, so off track.

"Well, what do you think?" asked Carlisle with an almost uncharacteristic amount of enthusiasm.

"This is, quite frankly, rather insane. How do you think it would help anything to have a group of random, bloodthirsty vampires any where near Bella? Besides, it probably wouldn't help them even if they came. Weekly meetings aren't enough to get over the need for blood. We both know that."

"Think about it Edward. If they didn't drink human blood, they wouldn't be a threat to Bella. And of course weekly meetings wouldn't be enough. That's why we're all going; we'll be their sponsors!"

"Come on, Edward," said Alice who had somehow crept into the room without them knowing, "this could work. At least read in informational pamphlets."

With a sigh, Edward began to read:

The Twelve Steps

We admit that we are powerless over our blood lust and that our lives have become unmanageable.

Have come to accept that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to harmony.

Made a choice to turn our lives and thirst over to the god of our own understanding.

Made a searching moral inventory of ourselves.

Admitted to god, ourselves, and another vampire the true nature of our wrongs.

Were entirely ready to have these defects of character removed.

Humbly ask for our shortcomings to be removed.

Made a list of all humans we have harmed and be willing to make all amends possible.

Make direct amends to such people except when doing so would cause harm to them or others.

Continue to take personal inventory and promptly admit all wrongs.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious connection with our higher power to determine our purpose in life.

Having had a spiritual awakening we try to carry this message to others and live these principles in our daily affairs.

-

"You can't honestly be serious Carlisle! You expect vampires to go for this?"

"I'm completely serious. Finish reading before you judge."

"Fine."

The Twelve Traditions

Common welfare should come first- our personal recovery depends on our unity.

For the purpose of our group, there is only one authority: a loving god as expressed in our group conscience. Group leaders are only trusted servants to aid you in your recovery.

The only requirement for membership in Vampires Anonymous is a desire to stop consuming human blood.

Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or V.A. as a whole.

The one purpose of every group is to carry their message to the vampire who still struggles.

No V.A. group should lend its name or assistance to any outside organization as fleeing from angry humans would ultimately distract the group from its purpose.

Every V.A. group should be entirely self-sufficient.

Vampires Anonymous should remain nonprofessional, but our service may employ specialists.

Vampires Anonymous should not be organized as a company, but discussion committees may be formed if they answer directly to those they are meant to assist.

Vampires Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues and thereby should not be drawn into public controversy.

Our public relations is based on attraction rather than promotion. Anonymity should be maintained in all advertising.

Anonymity is the foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

-

Edward sat there in shock for a minute. After he had read the two lists, he realized that Carlisle wasn't joking. They were actually going to be forced to do this.

Well, what do you think? Carlisle's thought snapped him out of his own.

"It's okay, but I don't see many vampires showing up. Maybe we should ask Alice what she thinks," he added when he noticed that his sister was missing from the room.

Just then, the pixie-like vampire sprinted into the room holding a huge stack of paper. "I've seen it! It's going to be amazing! I already made the fliers; let's go find addicts to help!"

Edward simply knew that his family would never let anything be easy for him.

-

I hope that everyone enjoyed this first chapter. Any suggestions for future chapters would be appreciated.

I do intend to return to my other story, The Youngest Cullen, but this idea has been in my brain for a few weeks, and I wanted to put it on paper. If I get enough response from my readers I'll try and have the next chapter up by Thursday, if not it'll be up by Saturday.