A/N: When I sat down to write this, I said to myself, "I am going to write a short and pointless fic." Didn't turn out as short as I'd planned, but it is definitely pointless. Oh, well. Hopefully someone will find it amusing :P

Why Squidward No Longer Has an Elevator

When Squidward woke up that morning, he felt something was amiss. In a good way.

Must have been because it started as one of those rare mornings without even an inkling of SpongeBob's presence. No blaring foghorn alarm. No obnoxious laughter from outside. No rude intrusion into his bedroom.

At least that's what he thought.

Squidward stretched his arms and yawned. "What a beautiful day…. peaceful for once. It's nice to wake up to a soothing silence for a change." He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, taking in the morning air.

Just then, the previous serenity was broken as Squidward heard the toilet flush.

He simply sighed and flopped backwards onto the bed. "It's just another one of those days, isn't it?"

"HEYA SQUIDWARD!" SpongeBob chirped as he burst through the bathroom door.

"SpongeBob…" Squidward was covering his face with his tentacles in annoyance. "Why are you in my bedroom?"

"I have a new talent, and I've just got to show you!" He reached into his pocket. "A guy on the bus showed me this!"

"Look, I don't want to—"

"Ta-dah!" SpongeBob pulled out a long, un-inflated balloon. "I can make balloon animals! Go ahead, tell me any animal."

Squidward just glared back.

"Electric eel it is!"

Squidward grabbed SpongeBob by his shoulders and flipped him around. Without a word, he began pushing him toward the door.

"Ooh!" said SpongeBob. "Are we playing a game where you're grocery shopping and I'm the cart?"

"No…. we're playing a game called 'get out of my house because technically what you're doing is illegal'."

"I've never played that game before!"

They were in the hallway now. "Does everything have to be a game with you?!"

SpongeBob broke away. He leaned up and poked Squidward's nose. "Tag, you're it!" In a flash, he dashed off. "I'm gonna beat you back to home-base!" he called, in another room.

Squidward sighed. "Yep. It's definitely one of those days."

In SpongeBob's mind, the game of Tag had warped into Hide-and-Seek. Now in the gallery, he'd flattened himself up against a canvas. His 'hiding spot' was that he thought he appeared to be a painting.

He giggled. "Squidward will never find me here…"

Squidward would have been content to never look for him, but he was worried SpongeBob would mess up something in his house. "SpongeBob!" he shouted around the house, looking for him. "Where are you?!"

Finally, he came into the gallery, where his eyes fell immediately upon SpongeBob. The sea sponge stuck out easily, being the only painting in the room not of Squidward.

Squidward quickly approached, ready to strangle SpongeBob. "There you are!"

"You found me, but now you gotta catch me!" SpongeBob leapt off of the painting a little too fast, and landed on a tube of paint. Some squirted on him, but the majority fell upon a painting to his left.

"That was one of my favorite paintings!" Squidward said, eyes widening in a panic. "You ruined it!"

"Aw, come on, it's not ruined…" SpongeBob nervously tried to wipe the red paint off, but simply smeared it deeper into the picture.

The painting was of Squidward, like every other painting. The red paint looked like blood splattered all over him.

"That's it!" Squidward shook with fury. "I've had enough!" He grabbed SpongeBob and tossed him as hard as he could into the nearby elevator. "Get out and don't come back!"

It was a long time before SpongeBob regained consciousness from being thrown violently into the elevator. And when he came to, he couldn't remember anything that'd happened so far that day. He didn't remember the balloon animals, he didn't remember the painting incident, and he didn't even remember where he was.

SpongeBob glanced around. The temporary amnesia blocked his recognition of the elevator. "Where am I?" he asked out loud.

He looked down to his paint-splattered body. His eyes widened immediately in fear.

Any intelligent sea creature would have known it was just paint. But this was SpongeBob, and he drew what he thought was both a logical and correct assumption of its identity: Aplysina red band syndrome.

"Oh, Neptune!" he exclaimed. "I must have ARBS!" He ran his fingers nervously together, fidgeting. "I… I don't understand how this could have happened… I've always been so careful…."

Aplysina red band syndrome is a deadly disease for sea sponges. And the second SpongeBob thought this, his heart skipped a beat.

"Could it be…?" he asked, standing frozen in shock. "…I'm… I'm dead…?" His pupils shrank to dots. "This must be Davy Jones' locker!"

SpongeBob had a hyperventilating episode, but eventually caught his breath and flopped on his back, staring with wide eyes at the ceiling.

"I don't understand. I thought only bad sea creatures went to Davy Jones' Locker! What did I do to deserve this?!"

On the other side, Squidward was wondering why SpongeBob had been quiet for so long. But he wasn't going to question it. In fact, he came over to the elevator to lock it from the outside, making sure SpongeBob was stuck. He was determined to get a peaceful day out of this.

But just as he pushed the button, he heard SpongeBob on the other side: I thought only bad sea creatures went to Davy Jones' Locker! What did I do to deserve this?

Squidward smirked. "You have tormented your poor, handsome neighbor to the brink of insanity…" he said, trying to echo his voice and drawing out the words.

SpongeBob gasped. "Davy Jones! Is that you?"

"Yessss…." Squidward hissed, continuing to use a spooky voice.

"Wow, your voice sounds really familiar."

"D-don't worry about that. What's important is that you're DEAD now!"

SpongeBob frowned. "I knew it!" he sobbed. "Please, Mr. Jones! Give me another chance! I'll do anything! I want to LIVE!"

"I don't know…" Squidward was having a hard time containing himself from bursting into laughter. "Do you realize how crazy you've driven your neighbor?"

SpongeBob blinked. "Patrick? We're best friends! I mean, I know every now and then we—"

"No, no, no… I said your handsome neighbor!"

"Well, I know you can't be talking about Squidward…. we're good friends too!"

Squidward deadpanned. "You're just clueless, aren't you?"

"Please! Are you going to give me another chance? I don't want to die!"

"Sorry." Squidward crossed his arms. "My mind's made up. You can just stay in there."

Suddenly SpongeBob began to bawl. Extremely loud.

"Shhh shhh shhh!" hushed Squidward, banging on the elevator door. "The dead are supposed to be quiet!"

"But I don't wanna be dead," he whined. "… I don't like being a ghost…." He stopped to sniffle. "Wait a minute. If I'm a ghost, I can go through walls!"


SpongeBob took a few steps backwards, geared up, and then rammed the side of the elevator. He was completely flattened against it.

Squidward heard the sound on the other side and laughed.

With a flat hand, SpongeBob peeled himself off the elevator wall. Then, still in pancake shape, he squeezed through the tiny opening where the elevator doors come together.

"Ha ha ha—SpongeBob?!" Squidward stopped laughing as he saw the sponge slide through and then pop back into his normal shape.

"Oh, Squidward! I'm so glad to be back! You'll never guess where I've been!"

"Davy Jones' locker," Squidward replied, scowling.

"How did you know?!"

Squidward pushed a button, and the elevator doors opened up. "Look familiar?"

"Barnacles!" exclaimed SpongeBob. "Davy Jones' locker is in your house! We've got to destroy it, Squidward!"

"What?!" Squidward furrowed his brow. "Why would you want to destroy my elevator?!

"You don't want a doorway to the dimension of the dead in your home, do you?!" SpongeBob paused to think. "Now, who are we gonna call?"

"Ghostbusters—I mean nobody!" He put his hands on his hips. "I happen to like my elevator a lot, thank you very much! And I'd appreciate it if you left it intact!"

SpongeBob pulled out a Ouija board out of nowhere. "Here we go!"

"What are you going to do with that?"

With a grin, SpongeBob also pulled out a pack of dynamite. Poking out his tongue as he did so, he quickly tied the Ouija board and dynamite together.

"SpongeBob!" screamed Squidward, seeing SpongeBob flick on the lighter. "No!"

The wick caught flame under the lighter, and SpongeBob tossed it into the elevator. DING! it went as the doors rolled shut.

Squidward didn't even bother to attempt to run. 'What's the point?' he thought. SpongeBob put his fingers in the holes where ears would be if he had them and braced himself.

The house exploded in a fiery blast. A mushroom cloud swelled up between the next-door pineapple and the rock.

Finally, the smoke dissipated to reveal the aftermath: the remains of Squidward's house were nothing but charred, indiscernible ruins.

Squidward and SpongeBob both blinked through the black soot that now covered their whole bodies, except for their eyes.

Squidward wiped his face with his tentacles as SpongeBob stood proudly beside him, grinning. "No need to thank me, Squidward," said the sponge. "That's what friends are for!"

SpongeBob gave a happy little wave and merrily walked off.

Squidward sighed again. "Yep. Definitely one of those days."

A/N: In case you're wondering… yes, ARBS is real.

Reviews are appreciated :)