Wow, another end. And this one promises the much-revered sight of Vince in full corset. Not that I'm undermining the beauty of any other characters wantonly dressed up in corsets by me, no. They are all visually stunning. Except possible Tony Harrison. But he doesn't have any hardcore slashers. No offence meant if he does (hello!), I just don't go in for betentacled heads.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this muchly, it has been such a pleasure writing it.


A dark stage. Guitar music suddenly begins, and the empty stage is lit. Tony Harrison emerges from the wings, face painted with blue makeup and with a fishnet gauntlet on each tentacle. He has a wheel attached to his chin and skates very proficiently around the stage, kicking up his tentacles in a way people of his species may or may not consider sexy.

Tony (singing): It was great when it all began,

I was a regular Den-man fan,

But it was over when he had the plan

To reanimate a sexy dead man.

Now the only things that keeps me head

Is pretending me mutant boyfriend ain't dead.

As Tony dances, several disturbing glimpses of multi-hexagonal textured barbed alien penis can be seen, which Tony seems to be consciously trying to not look aware of.

Tony (singing): Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from all the trouble and pain.

Saboo joins him on the stage from the opposite side, wearing a black and turquoise corset which leaves his nipples completely exposed, tiny black panties, fishnet stockings and six-inch heels, with a black and turquoise feather boa. His face has been painted in a similar way to Tony's. He dances sexually and gracefully, utterly tantalising.

Saboo (singing): I've been dead since nineteen-forty-three,

But I'm still beautiful to see.

But there's something you should know about me;

I can't get enough nymphomaniacy.

Now the only thing I've come to trust

Is an orgasmic rush of lust.

He puts his boa between his legs and grinds into it.

Saboo (singing): Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

From the same side of the stage as Tony, Howard is pushed on. He is dressed and has his face painted identically to Saboo, but seems much more uncomfortable with this. He dances very awkwardly, having no idea how to move in heels.

Howard (singing): It's beyond me,

Help me Mommy!

I'll be good, you'll see,

Take this dream away!

He falls to the floor, one leg under him, the other splayed to the side.

Howard (singing): What's this? Let's see.

He raises a leg, stroking it nervously, and managing to get it surprisingly straight and high, well over his head so he appears to have folded in half. A shocked but not entirely uncomfortable look appears on his face.

Howard (singing): I feel sexy.

What's come over me?

His body gives a sudden jerk, and his expression becomes elated as he jumps to his feet.

Howard (singing): Whoa! Here it comes again!

Vince appears from the same side of the stage as Saboo, entering slowly and seductively. He too is dressed and made up identically to Howard and Saboo, and is absolutely loving it. He sways his hips, strokes his legs and makes his almost uncovered rear very obvious as he dances, making himself as sexy as he possibly can, which is very very sexy indeed, and seems to be in a state of euphoria.

Vince (singing): I feel released!

Bad times deceased!

My confidence has increased.

Reality is here!

The game has been disbanded,

My mind has been expanded.

It's a gas that Dennis landed;

His lust is so sincere!

He pushes himself into a very exhibitionist pose and aims a kiss to his non-existent audience. As he finishes his song, showy music reminiscent of the opening credits of films begins to play, and a curtain behind them opens to reveal an enormous sculpture of the word THREE. Standing on top of it is Dennis, wearing a similar outfit to the others, only in gold and red, with peacock feathers attached to a headband round his head. Tony, Saboo, Howard and Vince turn to look up at him. As he sings, he levitates himself down to their level.

Dennis (singing): Whatever happened to Seka?

That stunning beauty without any bush.

As I stared at her thighs, I couldn't help but sigh,

Because I wanted to get just as much.

He reaches the ground and steps in the centre of the stage.

Dennis (singing): Give yourself over to absolute pleasure,

Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh.

Erotic nightmares beyond any measure

And sensual daydreams to treasure forever.

Can't you just see it?

Whoa-oa-oooaaah.

He jumps off the stage, landing in a hidden heated pool, landing easily onto a life-ring.

Dennis (singing): Don't dream it, be it.

Don't dream it, be it.

Don't dream it, be it.

Don't dream it, be it.

Hesitantly, the Phantoms emerge from the shadows and enter the pool with him, joining him in his song and embracing, kissing and touching each other in the pool.

Dennis/ Phantoms (singing): Don't dream it, be it.

Don't dream it, be it.

Tony and Howard, and across the stage Vince and Saboo, turn slowly to the pool and approach it, stepping in and swimming to Dennis in the centre. Dennis slips from his life ring and the scene turns into an orgy, with the five of them and the Phantoms coming together in a mass of bodies, groping, embracing, touching, holding, sucking, biting, kissing.

Dennis/ Tony/ Saboo/ Vince/ Howard/ Phantoms (singing): Don't dream it, be it.

Don't dream it, be it.

Don't dream it, be it.

Don't dream it, be it.

Offstage, Bryan wakes up and looks out to the orgy in the pool.

Bryan: Ugh! We've got to get out of this trap

Before this decadence saps our wills.

I've got to be strong

And try to hang on

Or else my mind way well snap

And my life will be lived

He raises a leg to reveal a fishnet stocking, which brings a look of alarm to his face.

Bryan (singing): For the thrills!

In the pool, the others reach a point of euphoric climax. Howard has Tony wrapped around his neck and a Phantom groping his chest and Tony's head, while Vince has Dennis kissing one side of his neck and Saboo on the other. Dennis also has one Phantom around the waist, who is kissing another. A fourth is wrapped around Saboo.

Howard (singing): It's beyond me, help me Mommy.

Vince (singing): God bless Lilly St. Cyr…

Offstage, Bryan cannot help stroking his own fishnet-clad leg as though it is the strangest, most beautiful thing in the world. As he does so, Dennis jumps from the pool and dances energetically, a lovebite visible over his collarbone.

Dennis (singing): My my my, my my my my, my my my my, my my!

I am a wild and untamed thing,

I'm a bee with a deadly sting!

Get a hit and your mind goes ping!

Your heart'll pump and your blood will sing!

So let the party and the sounds rock on,

We're gonna shake it till the life has gone!

Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain!

Tony, then Howard, then Saboo, then Vince emerge from the pool behind him, all, even Howard, posing sexily. The Phantoms, striking similar poses, emerge behind them a moment later. They hold each other's shoulders, forming a line, kicking high and erotically as they sing, with the Phantoms also dancing erotically behind.

Dennis/ Tony/ Saboo/ Vince/ Howard/ Phantoms (singing): I'm a wild and untamed thing,

I'm a bee with a deadly sting!

Get a hit and your mind goes ping!

Your heart'll pump and your blood will sing!

So let the party and the sounds rock on,

We're gonna shake it till the life has gone!

Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain!

They break apart and dance in sync. Bryan, unable to control himself, emerges from the wings and dances around them, while the Phantoms dance seductively with him, both frightening and arousing him.

Dennis/ Tony/ Saboo/ Vince/ Howard/ Phantoms (singing): I'm a wild and untamed thing,

I'm a bee with a deadly sting!

Get a hit and your mind goes ping!

Your heart'll pump and your blood will sing!

So let the party and the sounds rock on,

We're gonna shake it till the life has gone gone gone!

Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain!

Without warning, the doors across the room slam open, and Naboo and Bollo, dressed in the eastern-ish costume of Xooberon, namely a glittery tunic, which Bollo pulls off surprisingly well, but which barely covers Naboo's arse, enter.

Naboo (singing): Head Shaman,

This is the end!

Your influence is failing,

Your lifestyle's too extreme.

I am taking over,

You now are my prisoner.

We return to Xooberon.

Gods, grant power to me!

Dennis: Wait! I can explain.

Naboo and Bollo share and amused look, and smile evilly at him. Dennis whispers something into Tony's ear and Tony nods. There is an awkward moment of expectant stillness, in which Tony is trying to avoid mentioning the fact he is going to need help.

Tony: Hey, Saboo, pick me up and stick me on that lighting deck, will ya.

Saboo: How do you even use the controls? You don't have opposable thumbs. You don't even have fingers.

Tony: That's not the point. I used to do the lights for the RSC, you know.

Saboo: Did you now.

Tony: I did. Yeah, 'Measure for Measure', Judi Dench, 1962. That was me.

Saboo: How does a pink bell-end with tentacles get a job with the Royal Shakespeare Company?

Tony: Never mind how I got it, or what drugs might have been involved. Just put me on the lighting box.

Saboo groans and takes him over to it, and then goes to join Howard, Vince and Bryan, while Dennis takes centre stage in front of an impressive light show. The Phantoms sprawl across the floor behind him, almost worshipping him.

Dennis (singing): On the day I went away

Phantoms (singing): Goodbye…

Dennis (singing): "Thank god" was all I could say,

Phantoms (singing): Now I…

Dennis (singing): I want to get even further away.

Phantoms (singing): Oh my my…

Dennis (singing): Smile, and that will mean I may.

'Cause I've seen magic light

Through the drugs in the night,

And then it seems like

There's somewhere new.

Phantoms (singing): There's somewhere new…

Dennis steps forward, pulling random dramatic poses. Bollo yawns loudly, earning him a malicious look from the Phantoms. Dennis sits on the edge of the stage and the Phantoms crawl up behind him, as though they want to wrap themselves around him, but can't touch him.

Dennis (singing): Everywhere, it's been the same,

Phantoms (singing): Feeling…

Dennis (singing): Like I'm outside in the rain,

Phantoms (singing): Wheeling…

Dennis (singing): Free to try and find a game,

Phantoms (singing): Dealing…

Dennis (singing): Cards for sorrow, cards for pain.

'Cause I've seen magic light

Through the drugs in the night,

And then it seems like

There's somewhere new.

Dennis walks through the empty seats before the stage. The Phantoms hang back, watching him.

Dennis/ Phantoms (singing): There's somewhere new…

There's somewhere new…

Dennis (singing): There's somewhere new.

Naboo and Bollo share a look.

Bollo: Bloody sentimental.

They advance on Dennis slowly, simultaneously. Naboo holds out a strange pointed object.

Naboo: Bit presumptuous as well. 'Cause, when I said we were going to Xooberon, I only meant Bollo and me. Sorry if I confused you, Dennis, but you're staying here. In spirit, anyway.

By now Naboo and Bollo have backed Dennis up to the stage. He trips over the step, falling backwards. Naboo raises the object in his hand to him.

Bryan (whispering): My god! That's a shamanic separator!

Naboo: That it is, Ferry. Capable of pulling the soul straight out of the body and throwing it into the noosphere forever.

Howard: You mean you're going to kill him? I mean, what's he done, really, besides shag a few unsuspecting strangers?

Vince looks up at Howard and smiles. Howard looks down to him, and Vince quickly turns his head away.

Bryan: You saw what happened to Joey Moose. The world needs to be protected.

Howard: Oh yeah. Cannibalism is a crime.

Naboo: Exactly. Now, say goodbye to all of this, and hello to oblivion.

Dennis stands slowly, with dignity. Vince shudders, and Howard instinctively puts an arm around him. There is a silent moment of extreme tension.

Phantoms (chanting): A blink of the eye, a twitch of the lips,

First one to scream gets zapped in the tits.

Tony: Naboo! You slag, this is a fucking outrage!

Naboo, on a reflex, spins round and shoots him. He falls to the floor, landing upside down with his tentacles curled in like a dead spider. Frank gasps in shock, and staggers back, breathing heavily. He hits the curtains at the back, and in desperation begins to climb them. Naboo aims and shoots, and crying out in pain, Dennis falls dead to the ground. Vince shrieks, and in shock clings to Howard, who squeezes back, terrified. The curtains fall from the ceiling, covering Dennis like a shroud. Saboo screams and rushes to Dennis' corpse. Mad with grief and shock, he grabs him and tries to run with the body. Naboo shoots him, but it has no effect. Naboo shoots again, still to no avail.

Bollo: What going on?

Naboo: It won't work! It wasn't his soul to begin with, so I can't get it out!

Saboo runs, out of his mind, and tries to climb the giant THREE. Naboo shoots him as he climbs, but misses Saboo and hits the sculpture instead. Saboo's handholds crumble away, and he and Dennis' corpse fall to the ground and are crushed. Howard, Vince and Bryan look on, shocked.

Howard: My god…

Vince: You killed them.

Bollo: Why? I thought you liked him a bit. He liked you.

Naboo screams out his pent-up rage and frustration.

Naboo: He didn't like me! He never liked me! You saw the way he treated me! The way he treated both of us! What's a few friendly words to that?

Naboo is almost in tears. Bollo isn't quite sure how to react.

Bryan: You did right.

Naboo and Bollo turn to look at him. They advance, Naboo holding his separator and aiming it at Bryan.

Naboo (trembling): The decision had to be made.

Bryan: You are okay with me.

He tries to extend a hand, but the shell-shocked Naboo offers no response.

Naboo: Bryan Ferry… I'm sorry about your… Joey.

Bryan: Joey, yes. Well, perhaps it was for the best. He was a mutated freak.

Naboo: You should leave now, while you still can. We're going to transport this entire house back to the planet Xooberon. Go. Now.

Bryan, Howard and Vince scurry away, as quickly as their tired bodies allow. Bollo grins and laughs. Soon, Naboo is laughing with him.

Naboo: It's all almost over, Bollo.

Bollo: Wonder if I remembered to lock up the dogs.

Naboo: It doesn't matter. We'll be on Xooberon soon. I'm gonna show you everything. I'll show you the Fountain of Youth, the Desert of Nightmares, the place where the three moons argue with each other about which one's the fullest. And we'll have the whole world doing the Time Warp again.

Laughing, they elbow sex. Outside, Bryan falls, and Vince and Howard drag him from the house. They stagger, fast as they can, as far as they can from it. With a suction that stirs wind a colourful swirling void opens, which compresses the house to a cardboard cut-out and sucks it in. Then, everything is gone except a blowing mass of dust and debris. As the dust begins to settle, Howard is found on his knees in the dirt.

Howard (singing): I've done a lot, God knows I've tried

To find the truth, I've even lied.

But all I know is down inside

I'm bleeding.

He collapses to the floor, and a few metres away from him, Vince crawls through the debris, weak and covered in black dirt.

Vince (singing): And superheroes come to feast,

To taste the flesh not yet deceased.

And all I know is still the beast

Is feeding.

His strength fails him and he almost falls, but he keeps crawling. Howard, lost in the dust, crawls too, and blindly they try their best to find each other, reaching out into the nebula. A few metres from them, Bryan lies still, gazing up at the sky.


In his office, Bob Fossil is standing next to a lit electric globe. He takes out his Dictaphone.

Fossil's voice (from Dictaphone): And crawling on the planet's face,

Some insects called the human race.

Lost in time and lost in space

And meaning.

Fossil: Think about it.

He leaves, and the room plunges into darkness.


The Usherette returns, his dress undone but clutched to his body, seeming unexplainably but deeply sad. He draws the curtains on the show.

Usherette (singing): BBC Three late night feature,

Dennis created and killed his creature.

Darkness has conquered the Mod and the Spanner,

The minions gone to a distant planet

In the late night repeat on BBC Three.

I need to see

The late night repeat on BBC Three.