Five ways Anthony DiNozzo probably didn't end up working for NCIS

DISCLAIMER: -shrug- What can I say? I felt like playing in new water. I don't think any of the following five chapters are likely. In fact, number three, I think it is, is enough to make me roll my eyes. But with NCIS, you never do know…


1. A traffic cop finally caught Jethro Gibbs.

Driving at sixty miles an hour on a forty mile an hour road probably hadn't been the best decision of his career – especially when not chasing anyone or even driving to a particularly pressing scene, so it was his good luck that he didn't get pulled over by some dumb cop.

Somehow, that made it all the more painful when he went back to his car and found the dumb kid crouched in front of it, staring at the licence plates.

"Can I help you, Officer?"

The kid looked up, preppy hair flipping back to his ear with the movement. He gave Gibbs one long look before standing up again and sliding his hands into his pockets. "What makes you think I'm an officer?"

"Either that or military," he said, and gestured to the kid's legs. "Steady stance."

"Could be a martial artist," he pointed out. Gibbs raised an eyebrow, and the kid shrugged, flashing an elastic smile as he pulled out his ID. "Or a cop. Tony DiNozzo, Transit Detail. That was a fun ride, back on Fifty-Seven… and that one bit where we were going eighty miles an hour was pretty impressive."

He just stared at him for a long moment. "Transit Detail."

"Yyyah," he said, and blinked once. "I said that."

"You're a traffic cop?"

"That's my reason for following you here, yeah."

Gibbs didn't stop staring. The kid was thin, but not in a way that had anything to do with his dietary habits. His shoulders were too broad for that; his neck too defined. His eyes were far too sharp to be wasted on road duty. "Attitude problem?"

"What with the whole completely ignoring the speed limit, I'd say yeah," DiNozzo said happily, then rolled his head back toward the car. "But hey, I figure you being a cop, you got a good reason. But I gotta tell ya, it's… I mean, yeah, that's what I'll say when I'm asked why I followed you, but the truth is just… wow."

"Cop, Detective DiNozzo?"

"You're packing heat," he said absently, crouching back down in front of the car and not-quite-touching the bumper. "You're not on duty – no one would waste this piece of heaven on a beat – but you're the type that… stays on duty… Man, but I'd kill for this car."

"Would you, DiNozzo."

"No. I'd kill for Magnum's red Ferrari, but this would… S'a beautiful machine. And the way she took those corners… At those speeds, I mean… mm!"

He hesitated, then smiled to himself and stepped forward. If there was one thing Burley had never been able to do, it was multi-task driving. The fact that this kid could check out his car and probably Gibbs himself while going sixty miles an hour himself was a little impressive. "I might not be a cop. Could be a –"

"Bad guy, yeah, I know, but you're not," he said, and glanced up at him with another smile. "Real bad guys obey the speed limit. Don't wanna draw attention to themselves. You, in this baby… you don't care about who sees you. That makes you…" He paused, giving Gibbs another once-over with a knowing lift of his eyebrow. "A bad guy cop."

"Bad guy… cop."

"Ignore the rules because you don't have to care about the rules… you got some kind of law on your side. Not FBI, 'cause they give a damn about appearances. CIA doesn't like being noticed and…" He narrowed his eyes, and then turned back to the car. "Military. Ex, at least. Air force is uptight and the army wouldn't give the time that you give to this beauty. Navy?"

"NCIS. Navy cop," he confirmed, smirking to himself as he knelt down beside the cop. He fished out his badge, and DiNozzo glanced at it for a split second before going back to the car. Gibbs gazed at him for a longer second, taking in the whole image. This DiNozzo was clearly a better detective than Transit Detail allowed, meaning he was either a rookie or being punished. Judging from his age, Gibbs was guessing a little of the former with a whole heap of the latter. He raised an eyebrow at the expensive clothes, but chose to redirect his half-hearted interrogation, instead of commenting. "Since when does Transit Detail chase down speeding cars?"

DiNozzo grinned. "Since I wanted to see this baby up close."

"Don't you have a job to do?"

He glanced at him sideways, his head twitching slightly before he looked back at the car. "The Gypsy Cab I'm supposed to be chasin' down… three daughters, sick son… bitch of an ex-wife…"

"Having trouble getting a hold of him to arrest, huh?"

"Yeah. Slippery bugger," he said, and his eyes did an odd sort of flick before they both stood up and DiNozzo turned to look at him head on. "You shouldn't leave this car just hanging around on the street, Special Agent Gibbs. Never know when a Baltimore cop might decide it's stolen property and drive it away for impounding."

"No problem. I'd just shoot the LEO that tried," he said, and then gave him one last nod before pulling out his keys and starting for the driver's side door. "I'm more worried about getting the drool off."

DiNozzo grinned, offering him a sloppy salute as he walked backwards a few steps, then turned and started walking down the footpath. Gibbs hesitated, judging the carefully executed slouch for another second, then pulled out his mobile phone and dialled. "Hey, Abby, do me a favour. I want you to pull a file for me – Anthony D. DiNozzo; Baltimore PD. Have it ready for me when I get back."


See you next time, maybe?