A/N: Ok, this is what happens when I happen to be up till 5:00 AM in the morning on a Sunday. Well, the typing part, at least- I'd written this a few weeks beforehand and finally got around to typing it up. I'm a sucker for banter, so hopefully this is fairly not OC. No flames, yes?

Disclaimer: I do not own these two mercenaries (to my eternal dismay) and am writing this solely to satisfy a craving (since we ran out of chocolate and tomato sauce). In short, no monetary gain will be had by me in this endeavor.


"I believe I have found the source of your problems, my friend," the incorrigible dark elf exclaims, his maroon eyes flickering with malevolent delight. Artemis Entreri narrows his eyes, secretly hoping that, maybe this time, Jarlaxle will understand that his very life is perched precariously on a rather sheer ledge.

"I have no problem," Entreri growls. His companion laughs and shakes his head emphatically.

"No, no- you are in dire need of assistance," Jarlaxle presses, toying absentmindedly with the overlarge feather in his equally overlarge hat.

Entreri scoffs once, his dark brows knitting together to form a classic rendition of a frustrated expression.

"That's rich- you telling me that I have problems."

"Ah, but 'tis true, my friend."

"I feel it safe to say that, though I may have problems-"

"You do."

"Though I may have problems, they are nothing compared to the number of yours."

Jarlaxle chuckles, shakes his head, and tosses a roguish wink to the disgruntled assassin across the room.

"I've never denied that. In fact, I welcome the accusation. Makes me…mysterious." The elf strikes a pose, his cape swirling dramatically over one shoulder, his face masked by his hideous hat. Entreri scowls.

"'Annoying' is a better word."

"And thus, we come to the root of your problem."

"I don't have a problem."

"So you say, but did you not admit the existence of your own problems only a few moments hence?"

Entreri's eyes defy all the laws of physics concerning the human face, narrowing even further.

"I said that I may have them- not that I do."

"But they might yet be there, yes?"


"Which implies that you have found potential failings with yourself."

Entreri's mouth opens once, closes, one hand rubbing his face.

"No. It's not happening."

"And so I find yet another problem: Denial!"

"I hate you."

"Don't be ridiculous, Artemis- you know you secretly admire me and all of my charms."

Dead silence fills the room.

Jarlaxle clears his throat.

"Getting back to my original point, I know the solution to your- well, at least one- of your problems."

Entreri sighs, his shoulders slumping in defeat.

"All right. I'll take the bait, Jarlaxle. What, pray tell, is your solution?"

Jarlaxle grins widely.

"Why, get laid, of course!"


"That is the term, isn't it? I'm not quite sure…your colloqialisms are quite confusing at times!"Entreri stares at his companion, gobsmacked.

"Jarlaxle…I'll not ask where you learned that particular phrase…but I can assure you, I do not need-"

"Au contraire! We all need it! Except, perhaps, those who happen to be in the sad situation of being neither this, nor that."

"Like you, you mean," the assassin snickers, finally returning to his senses. Jarlaxle laughs uproariously, stealing the mirth from Entreri's smirk.

"Touché, though I could prove you wrong-"

"Please don't."

"Ah, well...your loss."

In the face of this particular comment, Artemis Entreri flinches.

Jarlaxle grins.

A/N: Haha! Yes…I know I used contractions in the banter and RAS doesn't usually in the books. I guess it just feels more real to me…So! That's 'bout it. Constructive criticism is good, but flames? No. Cookies and chocolate for reviewers!