Pericolo! Morte!

A Team Fortress 2 Fanfiction


There occasionally comes such a video game that inspires players to be the greater good, to achieve the seemingly impossible and engraves itself into the hearts and memories of the adventurers. Yes, the occasional game that is bold, innovative, and meaningful. Well, I can't guarantee this game actually fits that category, but it's a nice introduction.

Team Fortress 2 is an online, multiplayer shoot-em-up with a 'Pixar' feel. The characters are brightly colored and fairly cartoony in detailed maps, all blowing each other up for mysterious intelligence or point captures. In all, the average a player lasts would be two minutes before he or the rare she turns into body parts.

It's absolutely delicious.

Thanks to my boyfriend and my friend Adam, both of who got me hopelessly addicted and now provide wonderful ideas, some strange things got a-brewin' in my skullspace.

To make things easy, on each team (Red and Bloo) there is one of each different class. However, we shall focus on my homies, the great Reds. Here are short profiles for each character, including a name.

Redd McGree - Engineer - This handy man is probably the smartest on the team, trying to keep out of the rest of Red's antics since he is strictly a businessman. His lunches are hand-packed by his wife Betty, who occasionally sneaks a note or extra apple into his lunchbox. He is so skilled at building things that he can whack it a few times and it upgrades. Sweet.

'Corky' Riviera - A spy by any other name. He's known for constantly smoking and denying his addiction, sneaking up behind people and having a huge collection of magazine-cut-out masks. He is a snappy dresser and usually calls everyone 'Gentalmen', despite the horrible misspelling. Corky loves nothing more than a good stabbing, but is fairly secretive, even to his team... what is he hiding?

Hevy Heavy - Well, actually, you know, we're not sure of his name but he always signs things 'Hevy'. Ol' Heavy loves his gun Sasha, and causing mayhem, and has an obsession about tiny things. His best buddy is undoubtably Herr Doktor, and he likes to pretend he's in charge. He might be. Nobody wants to argue with this dude.

Derek Turmoil - A very strict soldier of the highest degree, he is known for giving pointless lectures and making overly complicated battleplans. He has a weakness for kittens, but would never let anyone know about it. Occasionally his fall-to-order makes for some strange demands. He believes everyone on the team is weak and must be worked to death.

Greg Johnson - The unbeloved, caffiene-addicted ex-pizza-delivery boy Scout. He is usually sent in ahead as distraction and is thus blown to pieces, but somehow he always shows up again. He's often the subject of abuse from the rest of the team, because nobody likes Scouts. Every time he says 'Bonk' a penguin is hit by a four-wheeler.

Fluffy Carhill - Everyone's favorite drunk, black Scottish cyclops. His name really -is- Fluffy, but he might kill you if you mention it. Instead he is called Big C to avoid fatalities. As a Demoman, he loves to blow junk up, even if it belongs to somebody. Half of the time, though, he's so drunk that he's as useful as the Scout.

Pyro - Everyone needs a good Pyro, so this unknown dude fits perfectly. He apparently has a family, consisting of one Missus Pyro and two kids, and carries their pictures around. When seeing a cow, he promptly sets it alight for steak. Since he's always in a suit, nobody knows what he looks like, how he eats, and cannot understand a word he's saying.

Dr. Katzenstrand - Herr Doktor, aka 'Doc'. The medic of the team, heavily German, probably enjoys conducting strange experiments, but maybe not. Since he constantly has to patch up Heavy, he follows the big guy around everywhere and has given the fighter the illusion of best-friendship. He hands out heals to anyone who asks, but if you're on the opposite team you might wind up with needles sticking from your skull.

Brent Foray - Finally, the slow-mannered Sniper, who parks himself and pegs off people like sitting ducks. Apparently in his past he wrestled and cooked crocodiles and lived with a band of pygmy marmosets. His favorite thing to do is to complain about everyone else and find quiet places to tuck into. Occasionally he's used to dispense advice.

That Voice - Possibly Jesus, but more likely the woman from K-mart. This voice, as far as we know unnamed, is a British woman who demands tea and perfection. At some point it comes into question who she actually is, but everyone's too afraid to disobey her in case she can shoot lightning bolts.

The Bloo Team is unimportant enough to have names. Sometimes, the Bloo Team is a different set of people. All the Red Team cares about is taking their things and keeping them away from their own stuff. Apparently according to The Voice, team Bloo is evil, bad, and full of hate.

A few cameo appearances may come up, and there will no doubt be re-occuring bad jokes. This fanfiction should be read by slightly older people with wicked sarcasm due to language and violence, and possible abuse to signposts.

If you're ready, put on your blast helmet and let us enter our first mission!