It had been a while since Spike had visited the Autobots and for some reason he decided to pop in and say hi. Being the annoying, always getting in the way, causing trouble, stupid, cry-baby teen that he was he felt like it was his duty to be friends with the Autobots and help them understand the planet Earth. Also he wanted to find out why the news channel's and the newspapers were suddenly calling the Autobots and Decepticons gay. As he approached the base he noticed Sunstreaker holding 20 odd cans of pink paint and his brother Sideswipe holding 20 odd cans of blue, arguing with each other.
'I'm telling you Sunny, it's gonna be a boy!' snarled Sideswipe.
'It's gonna be a girl! And she'll be called Sunstreckess!'
'Who in their right mind would call a baby Sunstreakess!?'
Sideswipe stared at his brother for a moment.
'Never mind.' muttered the red twin.
Spike was a little surprised the Autobots were suddenly talking about babies. Why should they care about babies. Anyway the brothers noticed Spike and waved hello.
'Hey Spike! You want to help us paint the nursery?'
'Nursery? Who's pregnant?' chuckled Spike, meaning it as a joke.
'Wheeljack, he got BEEPed by Optimus, Megatron and Unicron. We're still trying to figure out who the father is!'
Spike's jaw dropped. Then his hair turned white, then his teeth fell out. Then he ran away screaming. The brothers looked at each other.
'Humans.' they muttered.
Meanwhile Wheeljack was...where is he...hang on a sec...oh found him. Wheeljack was getting pushed around in a wheelchair by Optimus Prime in Walmart near the baby section. Optimus decided that he and Wheeljack should bond so it would make a good impression on the baby, however Wheeljack was not enjoying himself.
Wheeljack: Why are YOU doing this to me!
AutobotV: Optimus suggested it. Besides he's a possible father and you need the rest.
Wheeljack sighed as Optimus began picking out teddies.
'How about this one?' asked Prime.
'No.' mumbled Wheeljack.
'Now look here Wheeljack, you're gonna be the mama of that kid and I want someone who is loving and caring! Now help me choose a toy for Optimus Prime Jr!'
'Optimus Prime Jr?'
'That's what his name is gonna be!'
'But what if it's a girl?'
'I decided that the rest of the Autobots can name her if its a girl.'
'Optimus...aren't you at least a little freaked out that I am possibly giving birth to your kid? I mean I'm a guy!'
'We're robots you idiot! We don't have genders!'
'Then how do you explain Elita-1?'
'Possibly a gay Autobot...like Starscream.'
'But you dated her! Plus how can we be gay if we have no gender?'
'Hey look! A sale on king sized diapers!' cried Optimus running off.
Wheeljack moaned and dropped his face into his hands. First all of the Autobots wanted to BEEP him, then he got BEEPed by Prime, Megatron and, somehow, Unicron and now he was pregnant. Also to make matters worse no one knew who the father was since I did all three scenes! How could his life get any worse? Then would you believe Megatron showed up. Wheeljack almost jumped out of his chair.
'M-Megatron? What are you doing here?' asked the pregnant mech.
'What do you think! I'm here to see how Megara is doing!'
'Who the slag is Megara?'
'It's what I'm calling my daughter you fool! Now eat this!'
Megatron them produced an organic fruit bar. Wheeljack looked at it dumbfounded.
'What do I do with that?'
'I just told you to eat it!' snarled Megatron.
'I'm a machine you idiot! I don't eat!' snapped Wheeljack.
'Now look here you fool! it's says that Pregnant mummies have to eat healfly food! I'm trying to be a good father here!'
At that moment Optimus Prime came back and was angered that Megatron was upsetting Wheeljack. He didn't want Wheeljack to get all stressed in fear it might affect the baby.
'Megatron go away!' snapped Optimus Prime
'How about you go away! That's my kid he's got!' snarled Megatron.
As the mechs argued poor Wheeljack sighed. That's when I decided to help! Soon the Autobots were approached by, may I say, a beautiful young lady. The Autobots stopped and stared at her and for some reason Wheeljack got the urge to hit her! Wonder why?
'Who the slag are you?' demanded Megatron.
'I'm the author you twit! AutobotV!'
'WHAT! YOU'RE THE BITCH WHO PUT ME THROUGH THAT HELL?' screamed Wheeljack.
'Chill Wheeljack, I'm here to help. No one knows who the father is, you got two of the three possible fathers arguing over you and you are completely freaked out! I believe I found the solution!'
AutobotV gave Wheeljack a business card. Wow, feels weird when I'm writing and acting at the same time! Wheeljack looked at it as AutobotV walked away.
'See you at the studio at Five, don't be late!'
'Studio?' said all three mechs.
And welcome to the AutobotV Talkshow! We deal with real problems everyday, from family problems to straining relationships! Today we have an Autobot who found out he was pregnant not too long ago but has no idea who the father is! Also he is freaked out that even though he is a guy he is somehow pregnant. So ladies and gents, please welcome Wheeljack!
Wheeljack suddenly found himself in a studio, with cameras, lights and a few empty couches on a stage. Plus there was an audience making the poor mech feel a little afraid. However he got angry again when he saw AutobotV standing on the stage with a Mic. He marched up to her and screamed,
'What the slag is all this?'
'This is my talkshow Wheeljack! Kinda like the Jerry Spinger show but without the nerd in glasses!'
'How can I be on a talkshow?'
'Look at the screen!'
Wheeljack looked under the screen to see the words, 'Distressed Parent Struggles To Find Baby's Father' along with an AutobotV Show logo right next to it. He looked back at her and glared.
'How will this help!?'
'Trust me Wheeljack, now take a seat!' Wheeljack muttered to himself as he took a seat. AutobotV sat next to him and grinned.
'So Wheeljack, how does it feel to be a mother-to-be?'
'Awful! I'm a guy for BEEP's sake!'
'Not important. Anyway it appears you got BEEPed by three guys and only one of those guys is the father!' Then someone from the audience screamed,
AutobotV stood up and snarled at the audience.
'When I want your opinion I'll ask for it! No one make another noise or my security guard will kick you out!'
Then Grimlock walked on the stage wearing a black shirt with the AutobotV Show logo on it. Wheeljack was shocked to see his own creation was working for the very person who ruined his life. Hey wait a minute I didn't ruin it!
'Like slag you did!' muttered Wheeljack.
Wheeljack looked up at Grimlock and shook his head. Grimlock just cutely waved his hand at Wheeljack.
'Grimlock why are you here?' demanded Wheeljack.
'AutobotV promised Grimlock that she would give Grimlock lots of cookies!' said the Dinobot.
'Grimlock, you're a robot so therefore you don't eat. I mean for BEEP's sake you don't even have a mouth!'
For a very long time Grimlock stood there thinking. Thinking very hard. Thinking very, very hard. Thinking so hard, I'm surprised he doesn't blow a circuit already. Finally after what seemed like an hour he faced AutobotV and snarled.
'You tricked Grimlock!' he cried.
'No shit Sherlock.' came the voice again from the audience. AutobotV Glared at the audience trying to figure out who was talking out of line, I mean this is really starting to even piss me off and I'm the one whose writing! AutobotV then returned her attention to the upset Grimlock.
'OK Grimlock I did trick you, however if you promise to stay and beat up anybody I want you to beat up I'll give you Chocolate ice-cream!'
Grimlock stared at her for a while.
Wheeljack slapped his face in disappointment as Grimlock ran off singing the Ice Cream song. AutobotV chuckled as she sat down next to Wheeljack.
'Anyway we have one of the three possible fathers outside waiting to come in. Ladies, gents and the Autobots I give you Optimus Prime!' As the audience cheered and music began playing Optimus appeared on the stage and took a seat next to Wheeljack. the text on the screen then changed to 'A Heroic Father To Be?' AutobotV then stood up so she could address the two mechs.
'So Optimus Prime how does it feel that you are possibly going to be the father?'
'Great! I got awesome plans of Optimus Prime Jr!'
'What makes you think it's a boy? Have you decided on a girls name?'
'Well I wanted to let the rest of the Autobots decide on that. So far I got Bumbleina, Jazzy, Rachelette, Brawina, Sunstreakess and Toaster-Oven!'
'Wait a minute! You didn't even ask me!' cried Wheeljack.
'You never asked! Alright then what would you call her then?' demanded Optimus.
'Well...I'd call her...Swirl or something.' muttered Wheeljack.
'HAH! That's why I never asked you! You gave all the Dinobots names starting with the letter S! Plus what kind of name is Something? That's bad parenting!'
'I didn't mean it like that you idiot! Also what about Grimlock? His starts with a G.'
'He's a special case. He has to stand out, I mean I'm surprised he can even think.'
AutobotV calmed the two as she took the stage.
'OK here's the problem. You two aren't getting along ever since the FIL incident. Optimus Prime, you're still mad at Wheeljack for building the FIL and causing you to BEEP him. He did make you do something stupid which ended your 9 million year relationship with Elita-1 but you have to respect Wheeljack and care for him, he is going to be the mummy of your son or daughter!'
Optimus Prime looked down and then AutobotV turned her attention to Wheeljack.
'Wheeljack just remember who built the FIL in the first place! You got yourself into this mess so grin in and bear it. Plus being a mother might be a new experience for you! Also think of another girly name for your kid, one that doesn't begin with S.'
Wheeljack sighed and Optimus spoke.
'OK, I'll respect Wheeljack a little more. I only ask that he stops inventing things while he's with child! Plus when he has the baby he has see to him or her at night as punishment!' AutobotV smiled.
'Sure, you can do that right Wheeljack?'
'And now ladies and gentlemen I give you the evil, the monstrous, the terrible, the sicko, the diabolical, the deceiving, the...'
'JUST GET ON WITH IT!' screamed the voice from the audience which won another glare from AutobotV.
'Jeez people relax. Anyway, here's Megatron!'
Music played and the crowd booed as Megatron walked on. He snarled at them and took a seat next to Wheeljack so Wheeljack sat in between the leaders of both fractions. On the screen the text then said 'The Evil yet Kinky Leader of the Decepticons! What Kind of Father Figure is That?' Megatron glared at Optimus who glared back. AutobotV felt the tension and decided to get this over with.
'So Megatron, do you think you're the father?'
'Of course I am! Her name's gonna be Megara and she's going to be my little princess of EVIL!' snarled the evil machine. There was a small silence in the studio.
'Ooooookay. So what are your plans with Wheeljack after he gives birth?'
'Simple, if the baby is mine, which it is, Wheeljack will return to Decepticon base and be a slave for the Decepticon cause! He has to change her diapers, feed her, cloth her and has to clean the whole base from top to bottom.'
'WHAT!' cried Wheeljack.
'That's a bit extreme Megatron.' said AutobotV.
'He has to know his place!'
'What's that supposed to mean!' snapped Wheeljack.
'Megatron, Wheeljack is a person not a thing. If the baby is yours than you have to work together to raise it. I mean even if you are the father I wouldn't let you take care of that poor child if you're gonna mistreat Wheeljack like that!' Megatron grunted and glared at Wheeljack.
'YOU WILL CLEAN THE DIAPERS!' he barked.
'Asshole.' muttered Wheeljack.
'Anyway this whole thing isn't just affecting you two it also effects Unicron, the third possible father! Let's give a hand to the planet eater everyone!'
'You're not seriously gonna let him in here!' cried Optimus, as Wheeljack suddenly hid behind him.
'Optimus I swear I'll have more of your kids if you keep that giant hornball away from me!' whimpered the shivering mech.
'Don't be stupid, he's communicating via Satellite...oh wait a minute...no he ate the satellite he's gonna have to come in.'
'WHAT!' cried all three mechs. Suddenly a giant foot landed right next to the three Transformers. Looking up till their necks strained they could just make out the gigantic brute. Wheeljack cowered behind Optimus. AutobotV pulled out a megaphone.
'HIYA UNICRON!' she screamed.
'Greetings pitiful creatures.' boomed the giant.
The a new text appeared on the screen that went 'How the hell did he BEEP Wheeljack?' AutobotV continued.
'SO UNICRON, HOW WILL YOU RAISE YOUR KID ALONGSIDE WHEELJACK?' she screamed.
'I'm planning on having at least 10 or 12 kids. Wheeljack will be their mother of course. Then I'll eat him.'
'OH DEAR PRIMUS PLEASE DON'T LET HIM BE THE FATHER!' screamed Wheeljack, still cutely hiding behind Optimus. AutobotV chuckled nervously.
'I DON'T THINK WHEELJACK CAN HANDLE THAT BIG GUY!' cried AutobotV.
'Then I'll just BEEP him some more until he does.'
At that point Wheeljack fell over into Prime's arms, completely out cold. Then a new text appeared on the screen 'Optimus and Wheeljack in a relationship?'
'We are not.' muttered Optimus.
'YOU BETTER NOT!' screamed the voice again. This time AutobotV had it and walked straight into the crowd. Looking around widely she cried,
'Who is that? Show yourself bitch!'
Suddenly a tall pink Autobot stood up glaring at Wheeljack, still out cold. AutobotV sighed and looked at Grimlock.
'Grimlock you big dummy I told you not to let Elita-1 in here!'
'Sorry, but Elita-1 promised Grimlock cookies!'
This time it was AutobotV who slapped her head...OW, that hurt. Elita-1 walked down and took a seat next to Prime glaring at him. Plus she seemed kinda pissed that her boyfriend had another man in his arms. Now the text read 'Physco Bitch Wants to Kill Wheeljack'. Elita-1 snarled at AutobotV.
'I'm not a Physco Bitch.'
'Like hell you aren't.' muttered Megatron.
Elita-1 glared at her foe.
'What does that mean you asshole?'
'Anyway, Elita-1 nice to see you. So everyone this is Optimus Prime's EXgirlfriend. So how does it feel that your man is having a child with another...guy.' asked AutobotV, trying to hide a growl.
'It's wrong I tell you! Prime is my boyfriend! I should be having his kids!'
'We tried Elita but it never worked!' argued Prime with Wheeljack still in his arms.
'Oh I don't care about kids! Do you have any idea how terrible my sex life has been since you've been gone! I had to resort to drastic measures!'
Suddenly the crowd got interested. Bunch of pervs.
'You mean...you have a girlfriend now?' asked AutobotV.
'No, I slept with a Decepticon.' answered the pink Physco.
There was a silence in the room and then everyone looked at Megatron. Megatron looked back at everyone else.
'What? You think it was me? NO WAY! Prime may be into physco bitches but I ain't!' he snarled.
'Yeah, Megatron's into high pitched voiced Decepticons like Starscream!' chuckled Prime.
'Yeah! I'm into...WHAT!'
'Then who?' asked Prime, returning his attention to his EXgirlfriend.
'Who do you think...Shockwave!'
'WHAT!' cried both Optimus and Megatron.
'He was the only guy available...except for Alpha Trion but I'm not sleeping with that dirty old machine! I needed a man Prime, I've been alone for four million years!' screamed the pink Physo. Everyone else in the room looked at Shockwave who looked down in shame.
'Well you'd have a tough time too if you were surrounded by hot chicks.' muttered the one optic Decepticon.
'So you ditch me for a faceless freak?' growled Optimus.
'You don't have one!' argued Elita-1
'At least I don't have a lightbulb for an optic! You whore, I knew you were up to something!'
'Well at least sleep with that unattractive piece of trash!' snarled Elita-1, pointing at Wheeljack who was now sleeping in Prime's arms. AutobotV snarled at the comment and gave the signal to Grimlock.
'OK GRIMLOCK! KICK HER OUT!'
'Me, Grimlock get to kick out the Physco bitch!' boomed the Dinobot, and quite literally he kicked her out.
'I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!' she howled.
'Hate you to...bitch!' snarled AutobotV.
Then AutobotV returned her attention to the three possible fathers of Wheeljack's baby.
'OK the real reason I brought you all down here is so we can figure out who the father is! So I got the results of the tests I took and...'
At that moment Wheeljack woke up.
'Wait a minute! Don't I get a say?' he cried.
'Er...sure why not.'
Wheeljack sat back on his chair and AutobotV sat next to him.
'So Wheeljack...is there anything that concerns you or worries you...something to get off your chest?'
'There is...ever since I joined the Autobots I worked and worked to make THEIR lives better! For 9 million years I worked and then one day I tried to make my life a little better and what happens!'
Wheeljack grabs a box of tissue and begins crying...awww.
'I...sniff...I get BEEPed by these...sniff...jerks and then they get all...sniff...mad at me...sniff...and now I'm pregnant with their kid...sniff...and they still treat me like trash...sniff...all I want is a little respect!'
Wheeljack then starts crying into his hands and AutobotV hugs him, glaring at all three possible fathers.
'Now look what you did!' she snapped.
'W-what? He's the one who always invents crazy things!' argued Megatron.
'I do admit I treated him rough but I never knew it was this bad.' muttered Prime.
'Can we go BEEP now?' boomed Unicron.
Everyone glared at him.
'Unicron, don't you have feelings?' asked AutobotV.
'No.' he replied.
The all of a sudden Chip Chase appeared, leaving me gob smacked cause I was pretty sure I killed him off...oh wait I sent him to the hospital. Anyway he took the stage while AutobotV was still hugging the sobbing Wheeljack.
'Ladies and Gentlemen! It's not Optimus Prime's, Megatron's or Unicron's fault that Wheeljack is suffering! It's AutobotV's fault!' he cried.
'WHAT!' cried AutobotV standing up in rage. Wheeljack suddenly sat up and stopped crying realizing that Chip was making a very bad mistake.
'Chip, you better stop!' he warned.
Chip wasn't listening and continued.
'AutobotV ruined Wheeljack's life the moment she wrote this fic! She's a heartless, cold skinned bitch who takes pleasure from other peoples pain!'
'Seriously Chip, I think you better stop.' warned Optimus, who noticed the black flames of rage burning in AutobotV's eyes.
'I mean what kind of sick person would do this to a poor Autobot? She would and I bet their are more people out there like her! Sick, sick people who should be put away'
'I really don't like this kid but he should seriously watch out!' snickered Megatron.
'Which is why, I, Chip Chase will hack into AutobotV's laptop and delete all her work that she inflicts on these poor Autobots!'
That's when Chip noticed AutobotV standing behind him with a forced grin. Chip just stared at her when she ushered him onto the stage.
'Chip...why don't you...join us?' she said in a very, very, very low tone.
'Gladly!' he said and took his place on stage. Wheeljack looked at AutobotV confused.
'What are you doing?' he asked.
'Don't worry, I got something planned for him!' snickered AutobotV.
AutobotV then returned her attention to the stage.
'OK people! Now you know what Wheeljack wants so you better tell me what you're planning to do when and if he has your kid!' she ordered. Optimus Prime stood up.
'I will respect Wheeljack some more...and I'll let him name it if it's a girl. And we can work out the waking up in the middle of the night duty!'
'Good! What about you Megatron?' asked AutobotV.
'Well since he's an Autobot and I'm a Decepticon, I suppose we can take it in turns to raise her. I want to have the weekdays though.'
'Awesome! OK Unicron what about you?'
'I want 20 kids now!' boomed the giant.
'That...isn't really an improvement Unicron.' muttered AutobotV. She shrugged and turned her attention to the audience.
'OK everyone this is it! The part you were waiting for! The results are in and we have found the father!'
'Alright!' cried Optimus and Megatron. Wheeljack just began to worrying and clutch his chair arms.
'OK...and the father, the one who BEEPed Wheeljack and got him pregnant, the one who has to take full responsibility of raising the child...is...'
Everyone stopped to see Wheeljack grab his tummy in pain. He stood up and gasped.
'OW! OW! Why does this hurt? OW!' he howled.
'Are you OK?' asked Optimus Prime.
AutobotV then jumped with shock.
'Holy Crap! Are you going into labour?' she cried.
'WHAT! I was only pregnant for a day!' howled Wheeljack.
AutobotV checked her notes. She then looked at Wheeljack and chuckled nervously.
'Heh, heh...I forgot to tell you that Transformers pregnancy's only last 24 hours!' she said quietly.
'WHAT! YOU MEAN...IT'S COMING?' cried the panicked mech, who fell back into the chair in shock.
'OK Wheeljack don't panic, Ratchet's here remember!' chuckled AutobotV.
Ratchet then appeared and examined Wheeljack.
'He's going to have to give birth here! We can't move him!' informed the mech.
'HERE?' cried Wheeljack.
Soon Wheeljack found he was covered in blankets with Ratchet and AutobotV preparing to catch the baby with Optimus Prime and Megatron standing either side of him holding his hands. Wheeljack was screaming and crying.
'WHY!? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!?' he screamed.
'That's it Wheeljack! Let it all out!' said Optimus, holding his hand.
'Let's see...the book says to breath out constantly!' informed Megatron, reading a little baby book. Wheeljack glared at him.
'I DON'T HAVE LUNGS!'
'You know this is all AutobotV's fault!' shouted Chip.
'Shut up Chip.' muttered Wheeljack, noticing AutobotV snarl. Don't worry, Chip's gonna regret it all! For hours Wheeljack screamed, and cried, and pushed and did everything that I told him to do. Then Ratchet poked his head up.
'I see the head!' he cried.
'ABOUT TIME!' wailed Wheeljack, in pain, alot of pain.
'OK Wheeljack! Just one more push!' cried AutobotV.
Wheeljack howled in pain...and then the cute wailing of a baby was heard within the studio. Ratchet held up a cute little baby Autobot.
'Congrats! It's a boy!'
'That's fine and dandy...but who's the dad!' demanded Wheeljack. AutobotV jumped slightly and looked at her notes. She looked up and grinned.
'The father is none other than...OPTIMUS PRIME!' she cried.
'Optimus Prime Jr!' cried Optimus grabbing the baby and hugging it. Megatron's jaw dropped in horror and Unicron seemed upset. I pitied them so I gave a hand...but not that kind of hand.
'You know Megatron...I bet Starscream can give birth to babies!' offered AutobotV. Megatron suddenly grinned evilly.
'Thats true!' cried the Decpeticon leader, running into the audience and grabbing the slightly surprised Starscream.
'Come Starscream, you must help me create Megara!'
'Oh really...I mean, WHAT!'
As the Decepticons ran off AutobotV looked up at Unicron. As I said, Chip was gonna pay for that insult!
'Unicron! Human's with wheels can give birth to giant babies!'
'WHAT!' cried Chip.
Soon Chip found himself being lifted into the air by a giant hand. He screamed when Unicron picked him off and flew away leaving just Optimus Prime, Wheeljack and their baby. AutobotV walked up and smiled.
'Congrats Wheeljack! You're a mummy!' she chuckled.
'y-yeah...I'm a...mummy...' wheezed the tired mech. Optimus Prime was cooing his baby.
'Aw look he has my truck mode. And he has Wheeljack's light-up voice things! And he's got my red body with Italian coloured feet! Awww look at him!'
Well it's seems these two will get on just fine but let's find out what happens two weeks later! Optimus prime is still cooing over his son with the rest of the Autobots, Starscream is now pregnant with megatron's child and Chip is expecting twins! Wheeljack is taking a break in his workshop happy that it was finally over...wait...he isn't happy! Wheeljack what's wrong?
'Sorry, it's just that I really wanted someone to find me attractive!' he sighed.
'Oh no, Optimus Prime Jr is great and I teach him everyday but Optimus wants to give him all the attention. But Optimus Prime doesn't find me attractive and I bet no one will.'
At that moment a transformer walked in and Wheeljack jumped in surprise.
'How did you get in here?' he demanded.
The transformer held out a card and rose which Wheeljack took and read.
'Dear Wheeljack, I really like you and I think you're hot. I don't wanna BEEP but I wanna go out with you! Please give me an answer or I'll be in pain! Yours forever...Soundwave?'
Soundwave looked down blushing the moment Wheeljack looked up. Wheeljack was surprised the Decepticon actually like him, he always thought he was the...quiet type. Wheeljack was silent for a moment but then he asked,
'Soundwave, do you really like me?'
'YEAH. I LIKE YOU ALOT. CAN WE GO OUT? I KNOW A GOOD PIT STOP.'
Wheeljack paused for a moment. Then gave his answer.
'Oh what the heck.' he said.
The transformers left the room together holding hands, leaving Optimus to spend the rest of the day with his son.
Believe or not! There's a part 2!