Happy birthday, you lil' psycho

Before we begin…

I said Chapter 15 would be the last chapter.

I lied.

Frankly, I tried to make an epilogue of sorts. I really did. But it got very boring and predictable, so I scrapped it and decided to amuse myself in different ways. I was tempted not to upload this, because it certainly does ruin the solemn mood of the last chapter, so just in case, here's a

Warning: Crack. Seriously.

I had fun.

Epilogue—not. Parody II

1. Pets of the Espada

Due to the utter boredom and stale life at Hueco Mundo, a few members of the Espada kept pets and other modes of entertainment in their private chambers. A few.

Stark was too lazy to even feed himself.

Gramps thought only fraccion were fit to be his pets.

The only animals Halibel dealt with were target practice for her ceros.

Nnoitora kept an ant farm. On rainy days, he picked the ants out one by one and smooshed them under his spindly thumb.

No one wanted to enter Syazel's lab.

The pumpkin dude grew—duh—pumpkins.

The guy with his heads stuck in a capsule kept pickled animals he subbed for his heads.

Yammy once sat on a pig he had brought to eat.

Someone (was it Syazel?) gave Grimmjaw a cactus as a joke. When it pricked him, Grimmjaw cero-ed it into oblivion. He replaced it with a Wii.

Ulquiorra kept a tank of fish. Oddly enough, it fitted him.

2. Names

Ulquiorra's room was the most boring room Grimmjaw had ever entered. Only the most practical of items were permitted to remain. In other words, Grimmjaw had no such permission.

On Ulquiorra's desk was a small tank. Inside the tank was a pair of fish swimming in circles. The fish were a sickly white with stripes of green. For some reason, they reminded Grimmjaw of someone.

"Fish?!" Grimmjaw said. "You keep fish?"

"Fish are an undisruptive and economical source of companionship and amusement," Ulquiorra replied, not looking up from the book he was reading. "Unlike someone I know."

"Yeah right," Grimmjaw scoffed. "I bet Aizen unloaded it off you."

Ulquiorra prickled. A week ago, Gin had gone frolicking off to the human world without permission. He had won the fish at a summer festival and then dumped them on Aizen. Aizen had promptly passed them onto Ulquiorra.

Grimmjaw tapped at the tank to elicit some sort of reaction from the fish. The fish ignored him, continuing to swim in circles. Their infuriatingly detached attitude also reminded him of someone.

"I bet you didn't even bother give them names," Grimmjaw sneered.

Ulquiorra paused. It was obvious he hadn't thought of anything as frivolous as that. However, he'd rather slit his wrists than admit Grimmjaw was right.

"I've given them names."

"Yeah? What?"

"This one," Ulquiorra said, pointing at the larger of the two, "is Boy. That one is Girl."

"What kind of fucked-up names are that?!" Grimmjaw said. "Move it—" He shoved Ulquiorra aside and stood feet shoulder-width-apart in front of the tank "—I'll give them proper names."

He jabbed a finger at the larger fish. "This one is gonna be Big and that one's gonna be Small."

3. The Fates of Boy and Girl (aka Big and Small)

One day, Grimmjaw barged into Ulquiorra's room, uninvited as usual. He stomped forward but froze at an unpleasant squelch.

Boy had flopped out of the tank and lay on the floor.

"Oy," Grimmjaw said.

Ulquiorra looked up from his book with irritated eyes.

"Why'd your fish commit suicide?"

Ulquiorra stared. He stared at the dead fish. He looked back at Grimmjaw. "I was teaching it the command 'come here.'"

Grimmjaw peered at the tank. Girl was stuck between the pebbles at the bottom, bloated with an eyeball bulging out.

"Dude, your fish is dead."

Ulquiorra looked at the tank. He returned to his book. "No, it's sleeping."

4. Cup of Tea

Ulquiorra was in his room, reading his book with a cup of tea next to him.

Grimmjaw kicked the door open. He spotted the full cup of murky tea and snorted. "What are you, a girl? Sipping at your tea like some uptight bitch? Come on, Ulquiorra! Be a man! Drink it like a man!" He grabbed the cup and drained it in one gulp.

There was a knock on the door. Ulquiorra lowered his book. The voice of a fraccion floated in. "Ulquiorra-sama, I came to pick up the tea where you found a cockroach inside."

That was the first time anyone had ever seen Ulquiorra Schiffer smile.

5. Stuck in the Sugar Cube

Ulquiorra was stuck in the caga de negacion. Time flowed differently here.

He punched through the space.

[Day 1]

Punch punch punch punch punch punch punch

[Day 2]

Punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch

[Day 149]

Punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch

[Finally, day 402]

Punch punch punch punch punch—

"I will leave Las Noches to you for a while," Aizen said in the brink of the battle of Karakura Town. "…Ulquiorra."


Ulquiorra nonchalantly stepped out of the sugar cube as if nothing had happened. "Yes sir."


Now this is really farewell. Thank you all for enjoying Shrapnel!