"Lord Vetinari seldom had balls. There was a popular song about it, in fact. But now it was going to be balls all the way." – Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!

Title: The Patrician didn't have…

Summary: … well, let's just say there's a song about it.

Disclaimer: Oops, I almost forgot about this again. Basically, I own nothing. It all belongs to Mr Pratchett.

Author's Note: Oh, good lord, I had fun writing this! Poetry's not my favourite form in which to write, but this one just wouldn't let go :) Always imagined it as the kind of song people would sing when seriously drunk (after all, this is the Patrician we're talking about) so that's why the rhythm ain't always perfect etc – at least, that's my excuse… :) There isn't a specific tune for it; I reckon it's one of those songs that just ends up as a general slurred off-key drone. I realise that the quote's from Guards! Guards! and that some of what I've said refers to later events, but I'm assuming that the song would be altered and have verses added over the years. Anyway, hope you enjoy. Rating for mild language, just in case.

Estelle Tiniwiel –x-

P.S. Gah, it's doing that stupid thing again where it won't let me put spaces between the verses! I hate it when it does that; anybody know why it does that? So yeah, means that when you see -v- it means it's a new verse. Sorry about this.

Lord Vetinari, that's 'is name,

By gods 'e plays a tricky game,

But that don't matter all the same,

'Cos 'e don't 'ave no balls!

-v-

Oh, the Patrician don't 'ave no balls,

Despite all the room in them windy halls.

Wiv that equine face and that skinny frame

It's a wonder 'e plays in the big man's game,

'Cos 'e don't 'ave no balls!

-v-

'Is Lordship's got a personal clerk,

And I've 'eard they work all through the dark,

But I doubt they ever 'ave a lark,

'Cos 'e don't 'ave no balls!

-v-

Oh, the Patrician don't 'ave no balls,

Despite all the room in them windy halls.

Wiv that equine face and that skinny frame

It's a wonder 'e plays in the big man's game,

'Cos 'e don't 'ave no balls!

-v-

The Patrician sends out all the signs

To the good Commander Vimes,

But 'e won't admit to the riskier crimes,

'Cos 'e don't 'ave no balls!

-v-

Oh, the Patrician don't 'ave no balls,

Despite all the room in them windy halls.

Wiv that equine face and that skinny frame

It's a wonder 'e plays in the big man's game,

'Cos 'e don't 'ave no balls!

-v-

What wiv the diplomats and the local lords,

And the legalizing of the old town whores,

It's a marvel, politically, 'e ever scores,

'Cos 'e don't 'ave no balls!

-v-

Oh, the Patrician don't 'ave no balls,

Despite all the room in them windy halls.

Wiv that equine face and that skinny frame

It's a wonder 'e plays in the big man's game,

'Cos 'e don't 'ave no balls!

-v-

'E don't like war wiv sunny Klatch,

And wiv 'is tongue there is no match,

But the love'll only last a patch,

'Cos 'e don't 'ave no balls!

-v-

Oh, the Patrician don't 'ave no balls,

Despite all the room in them windy halls.

Wiv that equine face and that skinny frame

It's a wonder 'e plays in the big man's game,

'Cos 'e don't 'ave no balls!

-v-

There's word of a girl in Uberwald,

And I've 'eard tell she's very old,

But it don't matter if she ain't sold,

'Cos 'e don't 'ave no balls!

-v-

Oh, the Patrician don't 'ave no balls,

Despite all the room in them windy halls.

Wiv that equine face and that skinny frame

It's a wonder 'e plays in the big man's game,

'Cos 'e don't 'ave no balls!

-v-

'E learnt 'is trade in the Assassin's Guild,

And came outta that place bloody well skilled,

But the nobs won't find themselves fulfilled,

'COS 'E DON'T 'AVE NO BALLS!