Summary: I never really understand how I make it through those nights. The pain of what Itachi does goes deeper than anything physical ever could. In those moments that he tries his best to rip me apart and tear me down, I don't even cry out. ItaSasu
Warnings: ItaSasu, which means yaoi and incest. You've been warned. Also, there may be harsh language. It's rated M for a reason, too. You should find out why in the first sentence.
A/N: Don't ask me, just read it. (It was not intended for Valentine's Day, you will soon discover, but I felt bad about not updating Paragon yet, so when I found this little morsel tucked away in a folder, I decided to upload it.)
Begging For It
"Jesus, Sasuke!" Itachi cries as I slide down his body, slick with sweat and gleaming in the soft candlelight. I know he likes it. His voice sounds harsh and angry in the soft setting, but I know better than to be afraid. He's enjoying himself, and that's a good thing.
"Jesus won't save you now," I say, my own voice thick and sultry against his ear. His body heaves a shudder under my wandering fingers, touching him as softly as the candle glow, yet burning him like the flame. It's strange to think that only I can pull these things from him. I'm the only one who knows what to do and exactly when to do it, I'm the only one that can make him shudder and cry out. But it doesn't make me proud. I think it's just because we're brothers that I can sense what to do, that he opens up to me.
He enjoys this. I don't.
Words are now forbidden. I can tell by the way that his eyes shift, their endless dark depths trying to stare me down into submission. The candles are making everything glow: skin, eyes, hair, and lips. It spills through the darkness with a paranormal light.
I don't give up that easily, though. Itachi doesn't like it when I don't put up some sort of resistance. He's kind of sadistic like that. So I stay where I am, pressing my own slick, hot body closer to his. He hisses air through his white teeth dangerously. This is the tricky part. I have to read him. Does he really want me to stop now, or does he want me in control for a few more moments? It's not quite as easy as reading a book, either. The words are there, but they're jumbled, smudged, rearranged, and torn, making it difficult- a puzzle to be pieced together.
And it matters that I get the pieces fit together correctly the first time, or Itachi will make this hell for me. I know that, because it happens sometimes. In the end, it always comes to the same conclusion, but this is where I decide if the path to the destination is bumpy or smooth.
I take a wild guess and latch my mouth onto his collarbone, demanding more time before I back down. Or maybe it's more than a wild guess. Maybe it's what I want for the first time- to be in control.
But it's the wrong move tonight. The candle glow suddenly becomes fierce, hot against my glossy pupils, and I close my eyes for a brief moment as Itachi forcefully pushes me off of him. His eyes are hard, no longer glowing softly. He glares at me like I'm a monster that needs to be shown its place on the food chain, not his little brother.
I never really understand how I make it through those nights. The pain of what Itachi does goes deeper than anything physical ever could. In those moments that he tries his best to rip me apart and tear me down, I don't even cry out. I just lay there, gripping the sheets in white-knuckled fists, hoping that maybe this time I won't feel so guilty when he's done, like I've done something wrong, not him. I know that it's hopeless to try to fight him back. I've attempted it before, and it ended brutally on my part.
Itachi is vicious and self-centered when it comes to being in control. He doesn't mind making me bleed, or leaving angry bruises from gripping me too hard. He doesn't bother making sure I'm okay afterwards, either. He gets what he wants from me, and then he's done. It's the same every time. But, for some reason, he wants more this time. He doesn't want silent compliance. He stops halfway through, and I squirm uncomfortably. This isn't normal, it's weird, and I don't like it.
"Beg for me, little brother," he says, and I already know that I can't. You beg for things you want, things you need. For me, this is neither. A minute later, he still isn't moving. "I'm waiting."
I want this to be over, but I can't make my mouth open. My voice is gone, dried up like a worm that's been in the sun too long. I can't choke out any noise at all. Itachi's gaze tells me that he's ready to dump salt on my wounds if he doesn't get something soon. My eyes go wide as I look at him, as if I were still that five-year-old that he used to molest. I'm pleading with my eyes for him to let it go, for him to understand, but I should know- I do know- better. My grip on the sheets tightens as his eyebrows knit together in fury. I know there will be hell to pay for my silence.
And I'm right, too. Before he's done with me, I can feel the blood on my legs from the deep gashes of his kunai. Somehow it's not as painful as it is disturbing. Pain I can handle- it's a signal. If you ignore the signal, you ignore the pain- but it's making me sick to my stomach to think that this is me: my brother's sex slave, basically. It's my fault for letting it go on this long, and it's my fault my throat closes up every time I try to tell someone.
Everything is my fault. It's my fault that my brother is killing me from both the inside out and the outside in.
Itachi finally finishes, and there are tears running down my cheeks, mixing with the sweat that has now cooled, making me feel cold and clammy on the warm, once-white sheets, now soaked through and stained with semen and blood. My blood. All of it is mine.
"Get out," Itachi says, not facing me as he says it. His voice is normal now, but slightly raspy, like fingernails on rough wood. My body heaves with a silent sob as I somehow manage to move. I don't take the sheet with me, not wanting the bloody reminder that still smells of sex. Or rape, I guess. The only article of clothing that I grab is my shirt, and that's only because it's still lying by the door, crumpled and rejected. As soon as I step out of my older brother's bedroom, the door slams, and I clutch my shirt.
Now is when the pain kicks in, refusing to be denied any longer, and I stumble down the hall a few feet before I just give up on my legs and slide down the wall. I pull my knees up to my chest, still clutching onto my shirt as if it were a life preserver. It feels like the soft fabric is my only grip on reality.
I'm still sobbing, still terrified, my heart still thundering in my chest, when I finally get enough sense to drag myself to my room. It's not far, but it feels like an eternity- especially when I look back and see my uneasy trail of blood.
When I make it to my bed, I collapse, unable to do anything more. I've physically and mentally exerted myself to the maximum, and there's not much more I can do but make myself inhale and exhale. Inhale… Exhale… Inhale… Exhale… Ignore the pain…
Finally, after I chant in my head for a little while, I feel lightheaded and my vision blurs. I know that it's more than sleep darkening my sight- it's the perpetual end to this nightmarish hell I've been living. It's the final piece to the puzzle; it's the other side of the maze, the uncharted spot on the map. I start to embrace it as I go numb. The logical part of my mind tells me that it's blood loss doing this; the other part disagrees and says that it's heaven drawing me in. Or maybe hell.
This is when my door opens and the soft patter of footsteps fills my ears. I hear myself ask for the darkness to keep coming. The shadows are swift in their coming, but Itachi's swifter, using his healing jutsus. I'm begging for it now, for the darkness, because now I know that I can't have what I want, what I need. My escape is gone, and, once again, it's all Itachi's fault…
A/N: I know it's not fair for me to upload this when everyone is waiting for an update on Paragon (or maybe even Baby Wishes), but it was already finished before I started Paragon, so I decided to upload it to ward off a mob while I'm working on Paragon. (Chapter 10 would be up if I could just get the damned thing right! I've redone it nearly three times now, but it just won't cooperate with me!)