A/N: I've been a fan of Twilight fan fic since finishing Eclipse a short while ago and I thought it was about time I submitted something of my own. Hope you enjoy it, don't forget to review (I dont own any of this twilight type stuff)
I have been watching my love, Bella Swan sleeping every single night for a long time now, and every night she calls my name, even moans it sometimes and most nights I have trouble being a silent observer and have to exercise a lot of self control.
This particular night, Alice had fed Charlie another bunch of lies so Bella could spend the night at our house while the Cullen men went 'camping'. Poor Charlie, I really did feel bad for all the lies, but how else would I get to spend so much quality time with the love of my life.
Alice started laughing as she and Bella walked through the door with Bella's bag and pillow.
'Whats so funny Alice?' Bella asked with slight annoyance on her face.
'I just thought of a funny joke I heard at school today thats all' and with that, Alice skipped up the stairs and out of Bella's line of questioning.
I, however decided to pry in to Alices thoughts a bit, maybe I could let Bella in on the 'joke'.
I tried to hide the smile forming on my face, Bella was NOT going to like this one bit, I made up a stupid joke to keep her from asking too many questions and we went and put her things in my bedroom.
After we had spent some snuggle time on the bed we came downstairs to watch a movie. A singsong voice drifted down the stairs 'Dont forget to feed the human Edward!'. "Yes Alice" I muttered back. 'What would you like for dinner my love?"
"You know, I'd love to try that new Indian takeaway place that opened up next to the supermarket".
Alice called out from upstairs again 'If I can take the Vanquish, I'll go get it!'.
"Hrmm, ok then". I'd much rather spend time with Bella alone on the couch and Alice is always good at picking out things for Bella.
After another very short snuggle session on the couch with Bella, Alice arrived home with dinner, it didn't look very appealing to me, but Bella seemed to enjoy it.
"Oh Alice, this Butter Chicken is divine, and oh my lord the curry is so hot, wow I think I need a drink of water!!'.
After Bella thoroughly enjoyed the remains of her curry and washed it down with a big glass of cold water, we watched some more TV and headed up to our room.
"Edward, let me just have a shower and get changed in to my PJ's please".
Bella returned to my room shortly after smelling like strawberry shampoo and I felt myself wanting to lose control. She smiled at me shyly and I beckoned her to join me on the bed.
We spent a long time doing what I love best, kissing and caressing and pushing the limits of my self control.
Eventually I pulled away from Bella. 'You really should get some sleep my love'.
'I am a bit tired; I'll see you in the morning'. And with that, Bella gave me a small kiss and fell asleep in my arms.
It started as a typical night of sleep for Bella, she was smiling and mumbling my name. 'I could spend the rest of eternity like this' I thought to myself.
and then it happened…
Bella moved slightly to get comfortable and let out an ALMIGHTY FART!!
OH...MY..GOD.. I thought to myself, I could hear Alice laughing in the other room, which reminded me of the vision I saw in her head when she had come home with Bella.
Bella rolled over and moaned my name and then BAM! Another almighty bottom burp erupted from her sweet, tight backside. I swiftly lept off the bed and stood in the corner of my room, assessing the situation. Do I wake her up and tell her to go to the toilet? Or do I just pretend it didn't happen? At that moment the most horrid stench invaded my sensitive nostrils. It was a mixture of freesia, butter chicken and dead rotting corpses. Holy crap, how can someone so sweet create such a horrific stench.
I have to wake her up i thought to myself, what if she follows through in my bed?!!
I approached the bed, deciding how to tell the love of my life her butt was stinking up the place. Alice's giggles distracted me for a moment and WOOOPAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH Bella dropped her guts again.
I ran from the room, down the stairs, through the front door to the cold fresh air of the night and sat in front of the house to decide how to let Bella know she wasn't ever allowed to eat from that Indian take away place again.
Bellas sweet scent caught my attention and I found her standing behind me. 'Oh Edward, an awful stench in your bedroom woke me up! Did you bring a dead animal in to feed on while I was asleep? It smells like rotting corpses!"
'Bella my love, I don't want you to feel ashamed, but that stench, was you'.
Bella's face turned from innocence to pure horror 'Oh Edward, no, it couldn't have been, did I… did I… pass wind?'.
I stifled a laugh 'no sweetheart, you didn't pass wind, you dropped your guts, big time". I couldn't help myself, it really was quite funny once the smell went away.
Bella looked at me, I thought she was going to cry, I started to apologise and she shook her head, sat down beside me and broke out laughing. Her laugh was the sweetest sound I had heard all night. She was laughing so hard, little pop-offs were escaping her poopoo valve, which of course made us both laugh even harder.
Eventually we calmed down and Bella apologised, vowing to never eat from the local Indian take away shop again.
I decided not to hold her to it, after all, as a vampire, at least I can hold my breath.