Author's Note: I feel rather like dubbing this the fic that never ends… Because it's so true and I feel as if it's eating me alive in an attempt to update and come up with the plot that doesn't exist. Anyway thanks to readers and reviewers, I'm surprised you guys haven't given up yet.
Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note
Sayu was very angry, no not angry, she was incredibly pissed. After being rejected by the incredibly handsome Ginger-Bowie she had wanted to die, she had never realized how difficult it was to be in love. She had thought Ryuga Hideki was the thing that made the stars rise and set but no Ginger-Bowie was the god of love compared to him. So dark, so serious, so incredibly romantic, and so not available. It wasn't fair, she hadn't even asked him to date her or anything.
And of course he turned out to be in love with her brother, everyone was in love with Light. Even Light was in love with himself, to some extent at least. It just wasn't fair, couldn't he share at all, at least this one time. She wondered how Light would respond to her asking him to share Ginger-Bowie… Probably not well given his current mood.
Her current mood wasn't in the best of places either, especially considering that a woman who called herself Jesus was standing on her front porch.
"Do you think I'm stupid?" Sayu asked, she didn't wait for a response and slammed the door instead. Good, one problem taken care of. Now if only Ginger-Bowie would come back to her and realize what a mistake he had made.
Loud knocking interrupted her wishful thinking, Sayu unthinkingly opened it again expecting Ginger-Bowie to leap off his stallion and whisk her off into the sunset like a gallant hero. "Oh Bowie-kun, you came back for me!"
Unfortunately it was still Jesus and her rather confused looking disciple. They both looked slightly alarmed by the repetition of David Bowie's name, but the woman was faster to recover.
"Thanks but neither of us is David Bowie." The woman pointed to herself and her companion as if to display their very not David Bowie looking appearances.
"I noticed." Sayu said rather bluntly, just wishing they would leave and quit trying to sell her religious pamphlets or whatever.
Suddenly the woman smiled, "But we can guarantee you'll never see Ginger-Bowie again if you don't let us through that door."
Now that grabbed Sayu's attention, "What?"
"That's right we have captured your precious… Ginger-Bowie and locked him in a place where you will never find him unless you allow us in your house." The pause between the word precious and Ginger-Bowie was one of awkwardness but Sayu hardly noticed.
"So you were the ones who made Ginger-Bowie say all those awful things! And now you've kidnapped him!" Sayu was onto their plan, that was why he had been acting so strangely poor Ginger-Bowie being forced onto his knees by these monsters because they were jealous of his love for her.
"… Yes. Now can we please step inside?" The woman named Jesus motioned for Sayu to step back from the door so that they could enter.
"You monsters! Our love will prevail over you, you'll see, Ginger-Bowie will come for me!"
"Sure, whatever, can you please just move a little to your left?"
"Him and me, we're like two fish in the sea! We can never be separated except by an oil spill! But even then we'd be rotting fish carcasses together!"
"… That's nice, you still aren't moving anywhere."
Light sat down on his bed closing his eyes and leaning back with a defeated sigh, "So Nathanial have you come to kill me?"
Light was feeling melodramatic, well he had a right after what he'd been through recently. He was just so damn tired of it all, and he had thought evading L was taxing oh no now his life was much worse. At least there was only one of L, L didn't come along with hookers or Nathanial or zombies or anything else. L was just… L and if you could deal with that much you generally were fine. Nathanial Lawilett on the other hand was an entirely different story.
"Not exactly," The man shrugged, and Light was surprised by the lack of sarcasm in the tone and how normal the words sounded. For once in his life it appeared that Nathanial was going to give him a straight answer.
"Ah you've come to lecture me then, I see. Well I'm flattered, I hope you know that. Because every time you barge into my room intent on ruining my life I get closer and closer to that fine line that separates me from suicide."
"No, I didn't come here to lecture you either."
"Then why, pray tell, did you bother coming at all?"
"I need your help actually." Nathanial sheepishly looked about the room, well that was certainly rich.
"You need help from the murdering psychopath who has the curious deformity of having no morals? Did I hear that right?"
"You see, that's where this whole conversation is going to get interesting."
"Oh? So there is a lecture I see. Then tell me oh benign prophet what is it I must learn?" Light held up his hands waiting for the divine light to pour down upon him. What could he say? It had been a bad week, and it just kept getting worse.
"Well you see, I've come here to talk to you about my flaws. I don't really know how to put this without it sounding either like an incredibly awkward innuendo or a failed attempt at understanding your adolescent woes. They both sound terrible, but really there isn't a normal way to put this."
"That's wonderful." Light muttered wondering when everyone would leave him alone so he could just get some sleep.
"Even saying it in my head I just hear the words, 'wow that sounds really gay' or 'do you think I'm Matsuda?' Besides it's not even like I understand the whole thing, I tell you the divine bureaucracy is so damn confusing no one can follow it. I used to think I understood it, kind of, every other day or so but now I don't get it at all and I'm rambling aren't I?"
"Yes, yes you are."
Nathanial sighed; he looked more exhausted than usual. Light wondered if that meant he was about to give a giant lecture on the necessity for Light to develop a moral compass.
"Hmm. I guess I might as well just say it."
"Might as well."
"It's not as if I have anything to lose."
"Except maybe my dignity."
"You have dignity looking like that?"
"We pseudo crack-addicts have mounds of dignity! You're just jealous."
They both looked at each other, Nathanial sighed once again and looked at his shoes. Light decided that it was going to be a long time before he said anything so he might as well get some sleep while he could.
"Light," Raito said playing the scenario over in his head. He thought he could say it right now, after at least fifteen minutes of mental revision it stopped sounding so dreadfully gay. Unfortunately his audience had fallen asleep.
"Light," He repeated this time with a nudge, the sleeping murderer swatted at the hand lightly and mumbled. "Wake up you narcissistic bastard I have to talk to you."
The mumbles returned this time slightly louder.
Well he might as well get it over with.
"My real name isn't Nathanial." There went one third of the explanation, which was unfortunately the easiest part.
"Really? I never would have guessed."
"Yes, well, good for you. But you see the interesting bit is what my real name is, aren't you curious?"
"Not even a little?"
"Well you're just a kill joy, aren't you?"
"Are you going to get to the point already?"
"I'm getting there…"
"Goddammit little girl, would you please just step out of the way already?" Screamed a very frustrated Naomi Misora at Sayu Yagami who still hadn't moved an inch and was rambling about something that sounded like 'ginger bowie' and 'soul-mate'.
"Hey… Jesus-san?" Matsuda asked her as he watched Naomi's rage build to unprecedented heights.
"What?" She snapped as she whipped her head around to glare at him.
"I was just wondering what the point of this was, I'm kind of confused and well… you're sort of scaring me…"
"I don't care if you're scared or too stupid to understand you incompetent bastard! All I've ever wanted was revenge, I don't care about Kira's morals or the police or L or Beyond Birthday they can all go to Hell as far as I'm concerned. All I want is Light Yagami's head on a nice silver platter. That's all I've ever asked for." Naomi said through gritted teeth.
"Wait, what do you want with my brother?" Asked Sayu suddenly, distracted from her romantic vision of Ginger Bowie.
"Yeah, why do you hate him so much Jesus-san?" asked Matsuda in response to Sayu's idiotic question, dear god they were beginning to feed off of each other.
"It's a very long story…" Naomi sighed, this was not as easy as she thought it was going to be. It wasn't even supremely difficult it was just ridiculously frustrating.
"Jesus-san I think we need to hear this story,"
"Yeah that's right, if we don't hear this story now then we'll never track down Ginger-Bowie."
Naomi felt the urge to facepalm once again wondering just who the hell Ginger-Bowie was.
"Well, I'm you."
Light groaned, he'd been hoping he could have slept through Nathnial's mini-lecture. He still wasn't entirely sure what the man was even attempting to say but clearly he had just made some irrelevant point and was waiting for an extremely tired Light to respond.
"…" replied Light with a glare that would have had L himself running for the nearest window.
"I'm you from the future."
Light wondered when he had started dreaming about campy eighties movies and why no one in his dream had started wearing ridiculous spandex yet. All the ridiculousness of being in an eighties films without any of the benefits.
"That's wonderful, what were you smoking this morning?"
"No, I'm serious. I'm you, from the future."
"Time machine?" Light asked as he rolled himself out of bed to get a better look at Nathanial.
"No, actually nothing that simple. How do I explain this?" He paused looking out the window as if for inspiration
"Drugs?" Light suggested.
"No, you see I thought that for a while too but it didn't add up. It's actually more of a paradox or an illusion in my head either could work. You see in the future you get killed by a ten year old, or was he fourteen… You know I never could tell…" Nathanial (Light from the future) trailed off as he tried to figure out whether future-Light's killer was ten or fourteen.
"No you do, you see after you kill L his apprentices show up and normally you could deal with them fine only you kind of become what's the word… Oh drunk on absolute power so you're not at your best game and they also have the powers of 'dumb luck' on their side. So you got shot to death in a warehouse by Matsuda and then killed by Ryuk."
"I thought you said I was killed by the ten year old…"
"Oh he planned the whole thing, had this dorky mask on and everything, but it really the death blow came from Ryuk's pen if you want to place the blame." Nathanial gave a heart-warming smile that sent shivers down Light's spine.
"Yes well what happened after that, now that's where things get really weird and confusing… I was dead and hanging around in limbo and all of the sudden I'm given this whole second chance deal. If I saved as many people as I killed I get a free pass out of Mu, or something to that effect. The other option is I get someone to understand me, in other words someone falls madly in love with me, and I get a free pass. Both are impossible. Anyway so I've been down here in this 'pseudo reality' for about two thousand five hundred some years twiddling my thumbs and trying (unsuccessfully) not to go insane."
"Is this what you do in your free time?" Light interrupted, Nathanial shrugged and ignored Light in order to continue.
"The best way to describe it is the movie Groundhog's Day meets Ghost and then has a love child that is known as my after-life. I've been here ignored by fairly everyone trying to save lives without anyone knowing and everything just repeats itself all the time until well about a couple weeks ago when threw a tennis ball at my head."
"…Are you trying to tell me that until that moment you didn't exist?"
"Essentially yes, to everyone here besides inanimate objects I was irrelevant. If you hadn't hit me with that tennis ball I probably wouldn't be talking to you, or rather I'd be talking to you and you wouldn't be hearing a word of it." Nathanial paused and then decided to elaborate, "You see I was following you throughout your life anyway, so I still would have been here in a sense it's just you wouldn't have noticed."
"You mean if I hadn't hit you with that tennis ball, then I would have never had to deal with you?"
"Yeah that's about right."
"Goddammit!" Light raged as he realized that Nathanial's very existence was his fault and could have been avoided if he simply hadn't played tennis with L, "Why is this my fault!"
"Well since I am you, you could also say it's your fault I exist in the first place and if you had never used that Death Note I probably wouldn't be here right now."
Nathanial sighed and shook his head as if to show how very disappointed he was in Light's lack of ability to put the pieces together, "Well if you hadn't used the Death Note and were just a jerk I'd probably be in Heaven right now, or Hell who cares I wouldn't be here."
"I thought there were no consequences."
"There aren't this is just a side consequence of a side deal that has something to do with your using the Death Note."
"Ryuk you bastard you lied to me!"
"Yup, he did." Confirmed Nathanial, "But you can't really blame him I mean it is kind of funny."
"You can't be me! I refuse to be you!"
"Well I don't want to be you either but I think we just have to pool our resources and put up with each other, after all my survival depends on your survival and your survival depends on shutting up and listening to my advice."
"What?" Light was not only angry now he was confused as well, and still tired because he still hadn't gotten any sleep.
"Yeah, I used to be a gimpy bitch just like you but then I got over myself and look how much better I am now. I have no dignity, no friends, no relatives who even want to look at me, and it's all your fault!"
"My fault? How is it my fault, it's your life!"
"No, it's your life! I just got saddled with the afterlife and now I have to keep you living or all my plans are null!"
"Oh so this is my problem now?"
"Yeah, it is your problem because it's your life that's in danger. You're the one she's planning to kill and one of these days she's going to find herself a gun and not a dull letter opener!"
"Wait you mean Misora, you barged into my room because of Misora?" Light asked in disbelief wondering if he had indeed fallen asleep sometime and was just having a very bizarre dream. It was possible, made more sense than if it was reality.
"Well mostly yes, she's a bit of an unexpected problem that should be solved sometime this century."
"But… she's useless." Light said slowly trying to wrap his brain around the fact that his life was in danger from something that was probably a zombie.
"Mmmm well with a letter opener but say she gets a gun? She isn't afraid to use one you know, and she's only going to Ryuzaki because she wants to watch you (well us) suffer. If she gets too impatient with him though she may just try to kill us on her own again. Well you on her own she doesn't really know about me, anyway it would be really inconvenient."
Light looked at Nathanial's serious face, seeing those almost scarlet eyes and that mass of tangled red hair and decided that he had either gone insane and was creating fictional characters in his head or was sleeping.
"You know what Nathinal, I don't believe you. Get out of my house."
"Search your heart, you'll know it to be true."
"… Get out." Light pointed to the window where Nathanial would no doubt exit through in the most graceful of fashions.
"Oh that's right I forgot, you don't have a heart." Nathanial slapped his knee and laughed. Light felt his eye twitch as he continued to point towards the door.
"You aren't going to leave, are you?" Light asked while gritting his teeth.
"Nope. Not until you agree to help me."
"I feel quite the same way." Nathanial said in an empathetic tone while clutching his hand over his heart.
"I don't think I've hated anyone quite as much as I hate you."
"Get out of my house!"
Author's Note: Hooray an update after… how many months? Ah well, I'm sure you've all given up on me by now so here it is the next chapter. With believe it or not, a filler-less plot. Who would've believed it? (The semi-cliffhanger is because I value updating after a ridiculously long time as opposed to hurting my brain and cramming a fight scene into this chapter as well)
Reviews would be nice.