A Parody of the Rings: The Fellowship of Random Parodyness
A/N:Due to somewhat popular demand, this Lord of the Rings Parody will continue! Elrond's Council of Random Parodyness will appear in a later chapter (only 3 or 4 away) for those of you who have read it already, so don't worry it'll be back, only this time as part of the whole story. If you can think of a better name, please tell me so in the reviews since it's kind of a lame title that I thought of at the last minute cuz I wanted to get the story out. Some of the names of places (but not characters) are changed to make the story more parody-ish. Besides that…
Warning: due to some very ugly orcs, 70's special effects, and the fact that FrescaPower doesn't own LOTR, reader discretion is advised. Well, not really.
Chapter One: Prologue and A Somewhat-Expected Party
"A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…" said a mysterious woman's voice from nowhere.
The Star Wars opening theme played for several seconds then skidded to a halt.
There was the sound of shuffling papers and the same voice. "Er… and now, for Lord of the Rings: Superman and the Justice League"
The Superman theme played then stopped.
More shuffling of paper. "And now, for Harry Potter and the Fellowship of the Ring."
Harry Potter music was played. The complete soundtrack from all the movies continued for five hours straight until the orchestra collapsed from exhaustion.
"Is this supposed to be a concert or a LOTR story?" cried generic orc number five angrily.
"Sorry…" said the voice, who by now you should have realized was Galadriel. If you didn't, then watch the Fellowship of the Ring again. If you haven't seen Fellowship, then you probably shouldn't be reading this story.
There was more paper shuffling, then a laugh "Ha, here it is!"
The Lord of the Rings music 'The Prophecy' played.
Galadriel began to talk quietly and seriously. "The world is changing. I can feel it in the water. I can feel it in the earth. I can smell it in the air. Much that once was has been lost…for none now live who remember it…
The movie title Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring appeared on the screen.
Galadriel went back to her normal voice and said to the Director "Uh…none of this makes ANY sense.
"Not my problem. Get back to work!" said the Director.
Several other characters began to complain.
"Stop complaining or I'll fire the lot of you!"
The complaining continued until there was a loud shredding noise.
"It appears the scripts were accidentally sent through a shredding machine. I thought they were my phone bills," said the elf-queen innocently.
"How could over a dozen three-hour scripts be shredded so quickly?!" said the Director, dumbfounded.
"Who cares? Now I guess we'll all have to improvise…"
"Yay! Improv!" cheered all the characters.
"Oh, this is just wonderful! This'll be the end of my career, no doubt!" the Director walked off.
Galadriel walked up to a laptop with a projector. The images on the laptop were displayed on a larger screen. Galadriel opened an existing PowerPoint presentation, and clicked 'View Show.'
"There was a place called Middle, and in all directions, Earth"
The first slide (1.) showed a map of Middle Earth
"A bunch of Rings were made for some important people. Three for elves…"
(2.) Three hands with a ring on each.
"7 for dwarfs."
(3.) Seven hands with rings.
"And 9 for mortal men doomed to die. Die I tell you, DIE!"
(4.) 9 hands with rings.
"Some guy named Sauron made the last."
"Yes? What do you want?" a green half-pterodactyl half-man popped his head into the room.
"Not the X-man, the other villain with the same name who came first."
"Oh," he said, disappointed, and left.
The next slides depicted (5.) Sauron beating a hammer and anvil, (6.) he looks up, waving and (7.) hits his hand with the hammer, with a speech bubble above him that had the letters/symbols 'OW! 'in it.
"One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them. One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them...whatever the hell that's supposed to mean"
(8.) The ONE Ring. Ominous music plays.
"He made the ring so he could take over the world."
(9.) The words "GENERIC MOTIVES" in big letters
"There was a huge war that took place outside of Mordor."
(10.) Orcs, men and elves, which were comprised of Lord of the Ringsaction figures, Legos, and Playmobil figures, since they can't afford to pay extras.
"The king of Gondor tried to kill him, but it turned out to be vice –versa."
(11.) Elendil tries to kill Sauron, (12.) he's killed instead.
"It was then Isildur, son of Elendil, who took up his father's sword."
(13.) Isildur has sword on one hand pointing at Sauron and with his other hand he is flicking off Sauron.
"Unfortunately, Sauron dashed it to pieces."
(14.) Broken sword and Isildur with a sad face.
"But Isildur used it to hit the finger on which Sauron had the ring."
(15.) Isildur cuts off Sauron's finger. (16.) Sauron's finger with ring on ground, Isildur leaning over it, poking it cautiously, with Sauron comically collapsed dead in background.
"- That's weird, how can cutting off his finger be fatal?"
"Maybe he's a hemophiliac!" shouted generic orc three.
"Yeah, maybe…" Galadriel continued, "Sauron was defeated, and Isildur took the ring. Like in all fantasy films, humans are greedy idiots, so it's no wonder that he kept it instead of destroying it."
(17.) Isildur holding ring with the look of insanity on his face.
"But then he was murdered, so the ring was lost."
(18.) Isildur is attacked. Sound FX sound of arrow going through Isildur at high speed.
"Thousands of years later, this freakish creature called Gollum found it."
(19.) Gollum with it "My precioussssssssssss!"
"That's great, shut up. Then another 500 years passed and a Hobo called Bilbo found it."
(20.) Bilbo with it "My precioussssssssss!"
"You're not possessive of it yet! Anyway, he was on an adventure, and when he came back to HoboTown, he was rich."
(21.) Bilbo with lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of money.
"He adopted his nephew, Frodo-"
"When Frodo's parents died. And now the story begins several decades after Bilbo found the ring…"
The Somewhat-Expected Party
Frodo was leaning against a tree and reading when he heard Gandalf coming. He ran up to Gandalf, and then stopped.
"A wizard is neither early nor late Frodo Baggins, he comes exactly when he means to.
And by that I mean late, unless he wants to get in line early for the latest Inheritance book. I swear, that author stole my character!"
"It's wonderful to see you again Gandalf!" said Frodo happily.
"You too my boy!" God, I hate this kid, thought the wizard.
"Here, you can help me carry these fireworks," said Gandalf, handing Frodo a huge bag filled with fireworks.
"Wow, you brought a lot."
"Yep, every kind you can imagine. Sparklers, roman candles, mini, big, legal and illegal, ones I made myself, and more besides. It should last a few months."
"Uh… the party's only for one night."
"Now you tell me!"
"So all of HoboTown celebrated Bilbo's 111th Birthday, using all the fireworks Gandalf brought, except for the illegal ones which were found by the sheriff and confiscated," said Galadriel. "After much drinking, in which several Hobos got arrested for rude behavior (don't ask), Bilbo left for RiverDeli, leaving Frodo Bag End along with all his belongings, including what Gandalf found out to be the Ring of Power. Gandalf told Frodo to go to the Prancing Pony, and since Sam Gamgee, Frodo's gardener was eavesdropping on them in hopes of getting the latest gossip, he came too as punishment."
"What did you hear?"
"Well, nothing really, just something to do with an evil ring and something about the end of the world is all."
Remember kids, eavesdropping is all right, as long as you don't get caught.
"They ran into Frodo's cousin Pippin and Pippin's cousin Merry. After they tumbled down a hill Pippin almost ran into some dung, and they also ran into some mushrooms. Then a creepy emo guy riding a horse, who they assumed was looking for the ring, almost ran into them. After running into many other things, they arrived at the Prancing Pony Inn…"