Oh, hi. Look, I'm not going to give any elaborate excuses as to why I haven't updated in 3 years, but all you really need to know is that stuff happened, life got in the way, and Twilight started to get on my nerves. It still pretty much is.
That, and the file that had everything pertaining to this story? It's gone. Every other Twilight story I have, but this one has ceased to exist on my computer. Funny, strange...annoying. I had a better portion of this chapter written out quite some time ago, and now it doesn't exist.
Well ain't that just a load of...sheee...it.
That also means that I no longer have the list on my computer, and
the indifferent child of earth has deleted it, so if for some strange reason you might have it, please send it to me. That way I can actually try to update.
I tried to make it funny. I'm rusty when it comes to coming back to this series.
6. Tell Bella that if she jumped from a great height Edward would have to change her
7. Microwave Peeps...
8. ...and leave them in Jasper's favorite book
"Is that some sick joke?" I had my back turned to him and folded my arms slowly, trying to simultaneously maintain my balance because losing my footing and plummeting to my death wasn't exactly high on the list of things that I wanted to do today. "Because I'm not laughing."
Although I might not have been able to see him, I can clearly hear Emmett heave a sigh somewhere behind me.
"I'm being completely serious here. My way of logic might just be one of the only ways to get what you want out of Edward."
I peered over the edge only slightly and then pulled back just as quickly, gapping as my vision of the ground quavered for a moment.
"I can't believe you talked me into this." Pressing a hand to my forehead I took a step back so at least if I were to fall the most I would walk away with would be a bruised butt and ego. My arms hung limply at my sides as I debated my current options. I could either turn around and command Emmett to get me off the roof (easier said than done) or follow through with his plan of action and hope like hell that I didn't die.
Then again, that brought up another question.
"How the hell did I even get up here?" I frowned, carefully turning around to glower at the older man with a quirked 'brow and bemused expression that he was trying to hide. He visibly tried to stifle his grin, and the twitch of his facial muscles was actually mildly amusing. Despite how humorous the varying look on his face was, however, I was a bit too busy focusing on the fact that I had no idea how I'd managed to get onto the roof of the Cullen household without being aware of it.
"I got you up here," Emmett replied, as if shocked that I'd even had to ask. A beat passed, and then he shrugged off-handedly. "It was pretty simple, really." There was a pause, and his head tilted to the side as if he was studying me.
"You can't weigh more than a baby mountain lion."
As much in jest as his comment may have been, I was still offended and gawked at him.
"Thanks, Emmett! I appreciate that!"
It was his turn to frown.
"I didn't mean it like that and you know it."
I spun away from him as quickly as I could—which, again, really wasn't that fast—and tried to scoff. It was a bit difficult when my downcast gaze was met with the mossy ground surrounding his not-so-humble humble abode.
"All right, great, fantastic." I had to physically remind myself to breathe as I found myself unable to tear my gaze away from the forest floor three stories below me. I swallowed a few times, trying to reflex and figure out why in hell I was even considering this. "Are you even sure this is going to work?"
Emmett bounded on over without a care in the world as I leaned forward cautiously, wishing that there had been some sort of railing that my hands could glue themselves to. The man stood beside me and followed my gaze, only he let his upper half hang precariously over the edge of the roof.
I took a deep breath in and was met with the damp smell of earth and whatever it was that Emmett was supposed to smell like.
Had it not been for the fact that my hands presumably would have snapped in half, I would have tried strangling him right then.
We took turns glancing between one another and the ground for a few minutes, and if some observant third-party viewer wasn't concerned with my could not/should not/would not/what the hell do you think you're about to do antics beforehand, they really should have been now.
It really didn't help matters any that I had absolutely no clue as to how to get down. My only option was the reason I'd ended up on the roof in the first place.
"Yeah, no, this is stupid." I went to reach for Emmett before I realized that doing so would be an incredibly stupid idea and if I wanted to live I wouldn't touch him. "Get me down."
He closed his eyes and squared his jaw. I really did want to punch him.
"Woman, if you don't jump off the roof right now, I will push you."
I was curling my hand into a fist a reeling back in order to give him a good blow to the jaw no matter the damage I'd inflict to myself when his eyes suddenly widened and he pulled a face.
"What the HELL do you think you're doing?"
The abrupt shout threw me off just about as much as the startled sound that emitted from the back of Emmett's throat. I grabbed at a fistful of his shirt to keep my balance, and the glare I shot at him was soon met with the furious and bewildered eyes of Edward Cullen three stories below.
Obviously unsure of what to do with himself, he alternated between staring incredulous and glaring heatedly at his older brother.
He apparently didn't approve of Emmett's thoughts.
"How is that going to solve anything!" Edward was shouting, his arms thrown up in the air as I had to forcibly resist the urge to chuckle at his diminutive stature from where I stood.
"Well, I thought it seemed like a good idea at the time!"
Edward let out an enraged snarl. "When would that ever seem like a good idea?"
I shifted uncomfortably as the two launched into a shouting match, wanting nothing more than to now get down and go on with my day. What Edward said next, however, was sure to get my attention and earned a glare aimed right as his pretty little butterscotch eyes.
"And Bella, I never thought you would have been foolish enough to go through with something like this! Honestly!" Although they may have been a result of his frustration, that did little to smooth over his words.
"Excuse me?" I narrowed my eyes at him, no matter how much I may have loved him. "Excuse me?"
Edward cursed under his breath, and I could only tell from the subtle movement of his lips as he did so. Emmett snickered to himself at this, and I was surprised that I was able to shut him up as I leveled my glare with him as well before I aimed it back at my love.
"I'm standing on the roof with your brother, and your first assumption is that I'm going to go jump off it?"
The youngest Cullen shifted his weight from foot to foot for a moment, perturbed. "It looks like it, yes. But Bella—"
"No!" I yelled back, flinging my arms into the air and not overly sure what to do with myself at that moment. What was I supposed to do, anyway?
Luckily, Emmett chose then to come to Edward's rescue, if that's what it could be called.
"Figured it would finally convince you to go through with it," He muttered, though the younger was sure to catch it. "I mean, you're taking your sweet time as it stands now, and I don't think Bells if very thrilled with that."
He bluntly ignored my "Don't call me that" at the nickname and waited for his brother's response.
Edward let out a long, exasperated breath he hadn't needed to hold. "Venom can heal a lot of things, yes, but it can't fix everything." He opened his eyes and pulled his fingers away from where they'd been pinching the bridge of his nose.
I stared at him curiously and shifted my footing.
"Bella, if you're dead, I can't change you. Please understand that."
I was left to sneer still, and Emmett was leaning back and forth on the balls of his feet, having nothing better to do. Edward remained where he was standing, digging his heels into the ground and surely awaiting my next course of action.
"No, I get that. I just—"
The shingle beneath my foot-of course, why wouldn't it?-slid, and found myself yelping, clawing at Emmett's outstretched arms as I went backwards and headfirst over the side of the roof.
In retrospect, amid the cries of both of the Cullen boys, the look on Jasper's face as I stared at him through the window upside-down was worth it.
Had his heart still had the ability to beat, it presumably would have imploded in the man's chest when Bella's outstretched palms smacked against the window.
Jasper stared at her blankly until Emmett starting reeling her up by her ankle.
Shaking his head slowly, he disregarded the entire situation and returned his attention to the bookshelf he'd been aiming towards until his brother's girlfriend had chosen to pay a most unorthodox visit.
Prying what looked to be one of the oldest edition of War and Peace in existence from its shelf the moody vampire let out a content sigh, seating himself comfortably in his chair and choosing to ignore the world around him for the next few hours.
Jasper frowned mightily when he found that it wouldn't open at first.
He was soon steaming and said three little words that most others would have paled at as soon as he came across the remnants of melted Peeps.
"What the fu-"
And he would have finish his question, had Bella not shouted.
"Emmett! My leg doesn't bend that way!"
If you're going to leave a review, please don't be too angry. There were only so many things in life I could control.
Although I must say, the reviews saying ""screw you for not update," "when's the next update coming," and "UPDATE UPDATE etc." were fairly amusing.
If you want to look at it that way.
If any of you have that list, please, do share. I can't write more without it.
Based off of "51 Things Emmett Cullen Is Not Allowed To Do"
By the indifferent child of earth