Disclaimer: I solemnly swear that I do not own Harry Potter so get on with the story already.
Messers Harry Potter
a.k.a 'The Boy Who Lived'
Are proud to present
101 Reasons Why Snape is a Vampire
(That's Professor Snape to us you guys—Hermione)
(Who cares Hermione, he's still a greasy git—Ron)
(Agreed, he's a slimy, batty, greasy, annoying, arrogant, smelly, Slytherin-loving git—Harry)
(Ouch, a bit harsh there mate—Ron)
(It's true isn't it? —Harry)
Miss Hermione Granger
a.k.a 'The Sole Voice of Reason in This Group'
Would like to state that she did not
Encourage, assist, or acknowledge
This list in any way, shape, or form
(You're writing in this aren't you, Hermione? That's acknowledging it—Harry)
(Yeah, and you helped us with the spelling and stuff—Ron)
(You have no proof—Hermione)
1. He has pale skin.
(So? Malfoy's got pale skin and so does Harry. Does that mean they're also vampires? — Hermione)
(But his skins vampire pale! —Ron)
(There is no such skin color as vampire pale. — Hermione)
(Vampire's do have pale skin though—Harry)
(So? That's not enough proof — Hermione)
2. He's ugly enough.
(Vampires are not ugly. I've read that most people find them very attractive — Hermione)
(Eww, Hermione thinks Snape's attractive—Harry)
(Harry! I did not say that. We saw a vampire before; remember, at Slughorn's party — Hermione)
(Oh, you saw it at Old Slugy's party? Then it must be true—Ron)
(Ron, get over it already — Hermione)
3. He never sleeps.
(What? Of course he does—Hermione)
(No, he doesn't. We checked the map; he spends most of the night wandering the dudgeons —Harry)
(Oh, so now you're spying on him? — Hermione)
(No! We were just observing his nightly habits —Ron)
4. Doesn't like sunlight.
(How do you know that? — Hermione)
(Have you seen how pale his skin is? That man hates the sun — Ron)
(I though you said that was because he's a vampire? — Hermione)
(Oh, so now you finally believe he's a vampire? —Harry)
(No! Argh! Why do I even bother? — Hermione)
5. He's not fully human.
(Okay, there's no way that you know that—Hermione)
6. He's only part human.
(That's the same as reason # 5! And there's no way you know that for sure! —Hermione)
7. He has no reflection.
(Of course he does! — Hermione)
(I've never seen his reflection in a mirror before —Ron)
(And your point is? Harry, you said you saw him reflected in the Foe Glass, before, right? — Hermione)
(It's a magic mirror, it doesn't count —Harry)
8. He's power hungry.
(If he was, then he'd be the Headmaster, not Potions Master— Hermione)
(He joined Voldemort. He wants power —Harry)
(No response to that, Hermione? —Ron)
9. He doesn't eat.
(Yes he does! We see him eat everyday during meal times! — Hermione)
(He's only pretending to eat —Harry)
(Yeah, he survives on a diet of Blood Pops—Ron)
10. He likes Blood Pops.
(How in Merlin's name do you know that? — Hermione)
(For detention, he made me clean the classroom. I found wrappers of that stuff everywhere —Harry)
(Probably from a student— Hermione)
(Which student would be dumb enough to eat sweets in Snape's class? — Ron)
11. He's undead, that's why he doesn't eat food.
(You can't make assumptions from assumptions! — Hermione)
12. He's greasy.
(What's that got to do with anything? — Hermione)
(He's greasy from all the sun block he uses to protect himself from sunlight —Harry)
(And it's genetic —Ron)
13. His parents were vampires.
(Oh, did you two know them personally? — Hermione)
14. His ancestors were vampires.
(What proof do you have of that? — Hermione)
15. His whole family is made up of vampires.
(You're repeating— Hermione)
(Hermione, do you have to comment on every single reason? —Harry)
(Yes — Hermione)
(Okay, just checking —Harry)
16. He's a Potions Master.
(Do I even want to ask? — Hermione)
(He can make a potion that makes werewolves safe. Why can't he make a potion that makes vampires safe? —Harry)
(Wow. That might actually be true — Hermione)
(So you believe? —Ron)
(NO — Hermione)
17. He doesn't like garlic.
(How do you know that? — Hermione)
(We sent him garlic-flavored chocolates —Ron)
(He threw them out—Harry)
(No one likes garlic-flavored chocolates! Yuck — Hermione)
(Especially not vampires —Harry)
18. He doesn't like garlic-flavored food.
(Garlic-flavored chocolates —Ron)
(I didn't even ask, and eww— Hermione)
19. He doesn't like Gryffindors.
(Because he's the head of Slytherin — Hermione)
(No, because he can't stand our chivalry and bravery—Ron)
20. He likes Slytherin.
(Because they're inhuman like him—Harry)
(No, because he's the Head of Slytherin — Hermione)
21. He's bat-like.
(What in Merlin's name does that mean? — Hermione)
(Don't try to deny it. You thought he was like a bat when you first saw him, didn't you—Ron)
(He's always swooping down on everyone— Harry)
(You two are impossible— Hermione)
22. If he could turn into an animal, it'd be a bat.
("If", that's only "if"— Hermione)
(Geez, Hermione, what are you, his lawyer? —Harry)
23. He has a hooked nose.
(Oh, so now you're making fun of his looks too? — Hermione)
(No we're not, Hermione. We're just pointing out the abnormal size of his nose—Ron)
(Well excuse me if I don't think it's funny, and how does this relate to him being a vampire? — Hermione)
(We haven't exactly though of a reason yet, there is one—Harry)
(There's always a reason—Ron)
(My best friends are lunatics— Hermione)
24. He wears black. ALL THE TIME.
(So do we— Hermione)
(It's part of our uniform—Ron)
(He's a teacher. He has a choice—Harry)
(You guys are making a mountain out of an anthill— Hermione)
(Hermione, are you okay? —Ron)
(It's a muggle saying, Ronald— Hermione)
(Muggles are weird— Ron)
25. He wanders around the castle at night.
(Wait, didn't you say that already? — Hermione)
(No, we said he never sleeps— Harry)
(And he doesn't. He followed him to make sure— Ron)
(You stalked him?!— Hermione)
(No, we all just happened to be going in the same direction for about 8 hours—Harry)
(My best friends are stalkers! — Hermione)
26. He's cranky all the time.
(That's not true, he probably just has a bad day every now and then— Hermione)
(Everyday is a bad day for him—Ron)
(And for us if we see him —Harry)
27. He sleeps in a coffin.
(You said before that he doesn't sleep! — Hermione)
28. He sleeps upside down.
(Again, you said he doesn't sleep! At the very least, don't contradict yourself— Hermione)
(Hermione, if you're going to defend him, don't write anything—Harry)
(You can't think of an answer can you? — Hermione)
Miss Hermione would like to point out that Messers Ron and Harry
did not answer her question.
Messers Ron and Harry would like to request Miss Hermione to stop
being such a know-it-all.
29. He avoids crosses.
(Excuse me? — Hermione)
30. He doesn't get along with werewolves.
(Okay, that is just so random that I'm not even going to comment—Hermione.)
(Vampires and werewolves are mortal enemies— Ron)
(Yeah. He and Lupin aren't exactly the best of friends —Harry)
(You two need a new hobby— Hermione)
31–100. He's Severus Snape! Do you really need another reason?
(That is not a reason! At least most of your other ones made a little sense! — Hermione)
(Come on, Hermione. It's Snape, what other reason do you need? —Ron)
(Rename this list. That reason should not count for number 31-100. Frankly, it doesn't count at all— Hermione)
(It's the best reason in the whole list—Harry)
(This list is ridiculous and you're weird Harry—Hermione)
(This list is not ridiculous —Harry)
(You're not going to deny that you're weird?— Hermione)
(I prefer the term unique—Harry)
101. He owns an 'I am a vampire and I'm proud' T-shirt.
(Professor Dumbledore gave that to him as a joke— Hermione)
(See, even Professor Dumbledore thinks that Snape's a vampire—Harry)
(You have to admit we're right now—Ron)
(It was a joke! — Hermione)
(He kept it though—Harry)
Messers Harry and Ron
101 Reasons Why Snape is a Vampire
(Re-title it '31 Ridiculous Reasons Why Snape is a Vampire'—Hermione)
(NO—Ron and Harry)