In Poor Taste
"That's not funny, Jack."
"All I'm saying is we should suggest it to them."
"Is this really the time or the place for that sort of humour?"
"Awe, come on, Daniel, it's perfect!"
Daniel turned his head to glare at Jack. Despite the blood that dripped from Jack's bruised temple he smiled brightly. Daniel faced forward again and closed his eyes in exasperation. He pulled at the hemp ropes that kept his wrists bound to the sturdy wooden crossbar. The heat from the near by fire was causing sweat to roll off his skin. The sounds of drumming and primal singing pounded against his ears.
"Jack…I'm fairly certain that when they came out with 'Jack Daniel's Barbeque Sauce' thatthis…" Daniel attempted to gesture at their current situation "isn't what they had in mind."
"Have you tried it?"
"What is wrong with you?" Daniel asked seriously.
"Has it even crossed your mind that we are about to die a slow, painful, horrible death?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," Daniel replied sarcastically "I guess I didn't make our situation clear enough. According to the Aztec writing over on those walls once this little ceremony is over they are going to carefully flay us, roast whatever they decide to cut off, and let us watch while they eat it. And if we're lucky we'll pass out before they make us drink our own blood and set us on fire."
Daniel's jaw audibly snapped shut as he finished his speech. The Natives seemed to be bringing their War Dance to an end. The crowd raised their voices in excitement as an ornately dressed man carrying a rolled up cloth entered the scene. He set the cloth down by the raging fire and unrolled it. Daniel looked away from the display of oddly shaped knives, crude scissor like devices, and what had at a glance looked like long fondue forks. He weld his eyes shut and tried to swallow the sting of bile at the back of his throat as the crowd went silent so that they could hear the blades being sharpened.
"That's bad." Jack agreed solemnly. "I mean, I can't drink my blood…I'm fairly certain I'm not Kosher."
"You're not Jewish either." Daniel grumbled.
"What does that have to do with anything?"
Turning his head to the side before daring to open his eyes Daniel stared at Jack balefully. Jack tried to shrug but with his wrists tethered spread eagle it wasn't easy. Daniel searched his face, trying to understand how his friend could be so calm.
"It could be worse." Jack pointed out.
"They could be into Rocky Mountain Oysters."
"I never said they weren't."
Jack's face showed concern for the first time since their capture. He looked down at the man and his cutlery catching sight of a particularly nastily curved blade. Daniel actually found himself feeling better now that Jack seemed to be having some of his same fears.
Daniel jolted in surprise. He looked up and found Sam about fifteen feet above them, seemingly just hovering there against gravity. The temple had a large opening in the roof to allow the starlight to shine in. Sam had quietly repelled Aussi style until she was just above them. The bright firelight was helping her hide in the madly dancing shadows that were splashed around the stone temple walls.
"Got any pyrotechnics?" Jack asked.
"Working on it, Sir."
"Daniel, don't look up at her like that…you're gonna get us caught."
Sam smiled at Daniel as he quickly looked away. He turned an accusing glare on Jack instead. Jack was clearly biting his tongue to keep from laughing.
"How long has she been there?"
"I don't know…ten…fifteen minutes."
"I hate you."
There was suddenly an earth shaking explosion outside the temple. The crowd was instantly thrown into a panic. Sam quickly repelled the rest of the way down to the stone dais where Jack and Daniel had been on display. She drew a silver canister from her vest pocket and tossed it into the fire. The fire erupted in a blinding cloud of purple smoke.
While the crowd ran in different directions and cried out in terror Sam cut the pair free. They couldn't get out the way Sam had come in, however outside Teal'c set off another explosion to add to the panic. They raced through the fleeing crowd without even being noticed. Outside the met up with Teal'c and high tailed it to the Stargate.
Winded from running the team stumbled through the Gate and collapsed in a heap on the ramp. After a moment of heavy breathing they managed to collect themselves and get back to their feet. With a grin from ear to ear Jack threw his arm around Daniel's shoulders.
"So, how about some dinner? I don't know about anyone else…but I'm starving."
Note from the PHOENIX:
I'm sick. No, really, I am. I have a mental illness.
I'm sure you can all guess what I had for dinner tonight. That Jack Daniel's sauce really is good (hickory smoked).
A NORMAL person would have been able to enjoy the meal without this story popping into their head.
...I am not a normal person.
PS- if you don't know what Rocky Mountain Oysters are I suggest you look them up before you see them on a menu and make a life altering mistake...