Disclaimer: You make me laugh.
AN: This is my odd little stab at dry humour. I thought of it a while ago, but I don't remember what inspired it. But there are so many Mary Sue stories out there who's plots run like the following does, that this was just crying to be written.
Mary Sue the Muggle
Her name was Sue.
Mary Sue the Muggle.
Only…she wasn't actually a muggle.
You see… what had happened was this: even though the book that wrote down the names of the children who would be attending Hogwarts the very moment they were born had been doing it's job flawlessly for centuries… one year, it made a mistake.
It failed to register Mary Sue the Muggle's birth.
And so, at the time when Ronald Weasley was packing his bags, Hermione Granger's parents were getting the 'Magic does exist' talk, and Harry Potter's house was being assaulted by millions of owls and a giant man who bends rifles as though they are sticks of liquorish, Mary Sue the Muggle was sitting at home with her foster parents (because her parents had died when she was a little baby) calmly watching the television and looking forward to making lots of new friends at High School.
Go to High School she did.
Make lots of friends she didn't.
You see… Mary Sue the Muggle had always been looked upon by her piers as, well… a little odd. Weird stuff happened around Mary Sue the Muggle, and the people at her High School were quick to see that and isolate her for it.
And so, Mary Sue the Muggle spent five years at High School with no friends, but a bloody brilliant academic record.
She was very smart, you see.
After all… her name was Mary Sue.
Over the five years of lonely High School attendance, Mary Sue the Muggle managed to capture her… 'oddity,' and train it and practice with it until she could do little things – such as stich hole in a pair of pants back together – at will.
She didn't tell the people at school though. She was already weird enough.
Then, when she was seventeen, Mary Sue the Muggle met a strange boy with black hair and glasses and an odd scar on his forehead.
They met when Mary Sue the Muggle was out shopping.
Mary Sue the Muggle had been doing a lot of shopping, and was carrying many bags, when she turned into a nearly empty alley and bumped heavily into the boy.
The boy was also carrying many bags, and when the two of them collided, both their bags went flying all about the place. Mary Sue the Muggle cringed as she saw the bag of oranges break and send its orange contents all over the alley.
The boy was very apologetic, and set about at once gathering all the shopping, returning her things to her and putting his own back in the now broken and holey paper bags.
Mary Sue the Muggle watched curiously as he put some potatoes into the bag, only to have them fall out the bottom. The boy saw the hole, and put his hand to his breast pocket, going to pull something out. Then he stopped and glanced at Mary Sue the Muggle, changing the motion of his hand so it looked as though he was only ever going to brush some dirt of his jumper.
Mary Sue the Muggle watched quietly as the boy gathered all the shopping – overstuffing some bags to compensate for the broken ones – chattering all the while.
When she was sure the boy wasn't looking, Mary Sue the Muggle focussed on the paper bag in her hand, and, concentrating, sealed again the bottom of the bag and started putting the oranges back into it.
Then she realised the boy had stopped talking.
Mary Sue the Muggle looked up at the boy, who was staring at her in shock.
Damn, she thought. He saw me. Now he's going to run away screaming. That's a shame. He seems quite nice.
But the boy did not run away screaming. He asked her to fix another one of the bags, then asked her some rather odd questions.
"No, I can't say I've ever been to Hogwarts," she replied, entirely confused. What on earth was Hogwarts? "No, or Beaubatons. Or Durmstrang."
And people say I'm weird…
The boy then shocked her further. He pulled out from his breast pocket a small stick and, waving it over the broken paper bag in his hands, fixed it.
He got her to come back to his house, where they sneaked silently up the stairs to avoid disturbing his Aunt and Uncle, and had her wait while he wrote something on a piece of paper, then rolled it up and gave it to a beautiful white owl.
"Now," he said to the owl, "this is urgent. Get it to Dumbledore as quick as you can, ok girl?"
The owl hooted in understanding and soared out the window. The boy, who had introduced himself as Harry Potter, then offered Mary Sue the Muggle some tea.
A couple of hours later, there was a knock at the front door of Harry's house.
When answered, a tall old man in a bright green and purple suit was revealed. He shook Mary Sue the Muggle's hand eagerly and didn't pay any attention to the threats issuing from the mouths of Harry's relatives.
"Well now, this is truly amazing!" he cried, more than once. "Nothing like this has ever happened in all the history of Hogwarts!"
The man proceeded to offer Mary Sue the Muggle a place at this… Hogwarts, saying she'd fit right in.
Well, that sealed the deal for Mary Sue the Muggle, who accepted his offer.
From there, things moved at an alarmingly fast rate for Mary Sue the Muggle.
Her foster parents were spoken to, and they agreed that she could go. Her school was spoken to, and were told that she was no longer going to be attending there. The boy took her to this odd place where she bought everything on a list given to her by the old man. The boy introduced her there to a few of his friends – Ron and Hermione, who were almost as exited as Harry was that she would be going to Hogwarts.
Then, next thing she knew, she was on a scarlet steam train heading to a new life.
Upon her arrival, Mary Sue the Muggle was placed on a tiny stool, and had a mangy old hat placed on her head. It talked to her for a bit, then announced to the assembled students and teachers that she was to be a Gryffindor.
Really, what else could she have been? Her name was Mary Sue, after all.
Mary Sue the Muggle had no difficulty catching up with the rest of her year, despite the fact that they were all in their seventh of magical training, whereas this was only her first.
She was a natural, and soon started to best even Hermione who was, until recently, the smartest in the school.
Naturally, as Harry was the first person from this strange world that she'd met, she became another addition to his group, and through the year, as Mary Sue the Muggle was such a friendly and outgoing girl, she became quite popular with all but the Slytherin's.
But no one ever became popular with the Slytherin's. Not even someone with the name Mary Sue.
A couple of months into the school year, Harry and Mary Sue the Muggle decided that they would be better off as more than friends, and so started dating.
And of course, they fell in love. Truly, madly deeply in love with each other. They would do anything for the other.
They were absolutely perfect for each other. They understood one another wonderfully, as they had both grown up in much the same circumstances. They never fought, though together they could bring down any enemy.
As was proven near the end of the school year.
Voldemort – Harry's arch nemesis and, as was discovered, the murderer of Mary Sue the Muggle's parents to boot – decided he would be able to best spend his time removing little Harry from the picture, and so decided to attack the school.
But he didn't count on little Harry Potter having Mary Sue the Muggle by his side.
The three of them fought, for nothing would separate Harry Potter and Mary Sue the Muggle – not even an ugly bald man with red eyes and a snake around his shoulders.
They fought furiously, but eventually, as was inevitable in the face of such adversity, Voldemort was struck to his knees.
Even as Harry spoke the spell that would end his enemy's reign of terror for good however, Voldemort managed to spit one more curse out of his vile mouth and, when Harry's spell hit him, he did not fight it, but let his eyes slide closed in the knowledge that Harry Bleeding Potter would die also in a matter of two seconds.
Mary Sue the Muggle watched in horror as the bright green light sped from the crumpling form of Voldemort towards her Harry.
With a selfless cry, Mary Sue the Muggle launched herself in front of her beloved, and took the green jet right dead-centre in the chest, and she keeled over backwards into Harry's shocked arms.
Upon seeing Mary Sue the Muggle lying motionless in his arms, eyes peacefully closed, something broke inside of him, and he wailed in anguish.
But there was more work to be done in relation to how the Killing Curse worked. It hadn't worked on Harry all those years ago because his mother had sacrificed herself to save him, and, in much the same way, it didn't work on Mary Sue the Muggle because it had not been meant for her, but she had willingly taken it.
That, and her name was Mary Sue.
The crowd surrounding Harry gasped as one as Mary Sue the Muggle's eyes fluttered weakly, then opened fully to blink owlishly at Harry.
Once Harry realised that Mary Sue the Muggle was not actually dead, he uttered a single, joy filled cry and kissed her.
Mary Sue the Muggle had to spend about a week in the school infirmary (apparently, getting hit with a killing curse cast by one of the deadliest men in the history of the world wasn't a good thing) but then, so did many others.
Mary Sue the Muggle became an instant celebrity. Not only had she been the only one strong enough and brave enough to stand next to the Boy-Who-Lived and fight Voldemort, she was only the second person ever to survive the killing curse.
She became known as the Girl-Who-Lived (Not very creative, it is true, but then… neither is the name 'Mary Sue.'). Then, once Harry proposed and the two of them got married, they became known as the Couple-Who-Lived.
Again, not very creative, but the name givers were rather stressed at the time, and it was the best they could come up with. There was a lot of cleaning up required after the war was finished.
Mary Sue the Muggle and Harry shared their wedding with Ron and Hermione, as well as about ten other couples who decided they'd better tie the knot now, before some other madman decided he'd try his luck at ruling the world.
That day was a day of great celebration at Hogwarts (for the weddings were held on the school grounds) and indeed, the wizarding community at large, and became known as the Wedding Day, and in time grew to be the traditional wedding date for magical couples.
And what of Harry Potter and Mary Sue the Muggle? They had six children, as the both of them had always wanted a large family, and they named them (even though they knew perfectly well that the first three names would cause considerable confusion in the Fan Fiction world) James, Lily and Sirius after Harry's parents and God Father, and Jane, Joe, and Anne, after Mary Sue the Muggle's parents (Jane and Joe) and the cat they had had – Anne.
They lived happily with their children until one by one they grew up and moved out, leaving Harry and Mary Sue the Muggle alone again.
Harry and Mary Sue the Muggle proceeded then to grow old together, enjoying every minute of each other's company and basically being completely love-sick until the day they died.
Harry was the perfect husband, and Mary Sue the Muggle was the perfect wife.
After all… her name was Mary Sue.
An: Lol, I enjoyed that!
I've no idea if you found it even mildly amusing or not, but I laughed several times while writing it. I think I was just laughing at the joke that is Mary Sue. Honestly though – although I've read some good MS's, most of them follow this plot line. They just make me laugh! Ah, they're so funny:Chuckles:
Please review and let me know what you thought! I really, really appreciate feedback!