[Forward: Thanks everyone for all the support. I decided that I personally would prefer longer chapters, I need the detail. Short chapters leave me annoyed, so I couldn't do that to my readers.
This chapter also has a "Playlist" I created. They are songs I listened to while writing. I am going to post my playlist for the entire fanfic up on my profile.
Nothing Special, illScarlett
How Strong Do You Think I Am, Alexz Johnson
Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades, Brand New (I saw them live---they blew, but I still love the song)
Disclaimer: The usual (Stephenie Meyer is amazing and brilliant and this run on sentence could never do justice—all things Twilight are her creation).
From Chapter V:
His eyes went the darkest of blacks and his hands tensed up. He was a complete statue. Only I could really comprehend what was going on inside his mind—or perhaps I really couldn't. All I knew is that I did something completely dangerous and foolish.
I saw flickers of anger and contempt flash across his face when he looked at me, knowing that I tricked him, but I also saw an overwhelming desire to have me. I knew that he was struggling for control, but I wanted it to lapse. I wanted him so badly.
He closed his eyes at me. In a bitter instant he was off the bed and the sweater was at my chest. My mind could vaguely register Edward leaving the room, almost taking the door off when he slammed it shut. In less than a second from that point of no return I was alone. I wanted to curl up and cry. I wanted to run after him. I wanted to kick and scream. I did none.
Instead I settled for putting my shirt back on and listening to whatever was currently in Edward's stereo.
Another Kind of Dawn
VI - N.T.F.
I gave the small black button on his massive stereo equipment a quick flick and trolled back onto the oversized bed. Immediately the bass kicked in and my eardrums were subjected to some music from a genre I couldn't pin down. My hand started patting the comforter to the beat and I found myself becoming personally involved in the lyrics. I'm sick and tired of everybody thinking they know what's best for me, and maybe, God wanted me to be nothing special. The entire song seemed to scream out different aspects of my life that weren't falling together like how I wanted them to. Somehow that gave me peace. As the lyrics sang on I didn't forget what just happened, but the music allowed me to become detached for the moment and reflect.
I listened to the song in full with that peaceful detachment. I didn't even think about where Edward was; I was too busy attempting to sort out my emotions. I felt embarrassed for acting so impulsively, and being I was so quickly rejected. But there were other stronger feelings coursing through my nervous system: anger, hurt, frustration. Slowly I came to realize that I was more angry at him than I was at my own actions—even though I knew it was my actions were the ones at fault for what he did.
My thoughts became so completely lost and disorganized I didn't even notice a small pixie like creature creep into the room. It wasn't until she shut off the blasting music that I took any attention to her. When I did, my face gazed over hers in wonder and apprehension. Her small features were strewn and serious. I could tell she definitely was not pleased at me. I didn't need to look at her crossed arms and pursed lips: her eyes said it all.
"Edward just left the house," she said calmly, but I could hear the edge to her voice. "He's quite angry with you."
I shrugged my shoulders, "I think he's more angry with himself."
"No, at you. Jasper could feel the waves of fury coming from him. It's definitely not self loathing."
Suddenly I was a little wary of her. "Why couldn't you have warned me about this? Then this wouldn't have happened. Did you ever think about that, Alice?"
Alice straightened up and gave me a stern look, clearly annoyed but also angry. She however seemed to direct the annoyance inward. "I knew you were going to say that, why--" she whispered almost inaudibly, shaking her head slightly. I saw her lips almost twitch, but she recomposed herself at the last second at looked back at me, calm again. "I can't see when the person is action irrationally, Bella. Whatever happened between you was decided at a last second—on a whim. I can't predict split second decisions."
"Sorry," I said automatically, knowing she was right.
Alice didn't quite relax after the apology, in fact, she seemed to tighten up even more. "I came to tell you something, Bella. It's serious." I could tell by her eyes that she wasn't kidding. I moved over on the bed to give her a little room to sit down.
She was on the bed before I looked over again. "Really, I am sorry Alice," I repeated softly. I didn't like hurting her feelings. Alice when she wasn't full spirit created a void in my world. My hand reached out for hers and she took it and held on with more force than I expected.
"Forget me," she begged, her voice beautiful, but coarse. "If you want to get married to Edward and be with him—stop whatever you are doing, now."
"What?" I shook my head, not understanding.
'I'm seeing a terrible fight coming on, Bella. And right now, it ends badly."
I could see anything. The world was starting to shift again, "but Edward said he wouldn't leave me." I stated blankly.
"He doesn't. You do. You two fight and you go to Jacob after. After that I don't see anything for obvious reasons, but when I search Edward—you're not there with him." I almost had to remind myself to breathe at Alice's words. We hadn't fought yet, I remembered. All I would have to do is figure out what it was about, and avoid the conversation until after I was married and changed. Seemed simple enough. Maybe I didn't even need to know what it was all about. Just apologize to Edward for whatever I did or said. That would be enough.
I smiled at Alice to show her that I was going to play fair and not start anything with Edward. I never thought that our little incident would incite so much potential damage. "Okay, all fixed?" I asked hopefully.
Alice closed her eyes for a second and looked back, solemn. "Nope.'
My eyes widened. "Why…how…" I couldn't understand what could be so big that I would ruin everything I ever wanted—an eternity with the love of my existence. "What is it even about?" I implored quietly. I was becoming quite scared.
"From what I gathered: sex," she answered bleakly. "I don't know what good I'll do by saying this. Bella, Edward doesn't want to try anything with you until after you are changed, but he's afraid to tell you. For good reason I should add. Turns out that's your one deal breaker. You two have pretty big blowup, and somehow you find yourself with Jacob. After that your future disappears indefinitely."
Parts of me didn't understand. I knew that being with Edward that close was the one human experience I didn't want to give up on. I just didn't know that it would actually tear us apart. Were my crazy teenage hormones going to drive Edward and I apart? The truth is, I didn't know. I wanted to say that, that was the most ridiculous notion I'd ever conceived, but it wasn't. Parts of my body, even fragments of my soul said that this was important.
"I'm a horrible person, Alice," I said. It had to be true. I wanted to scream and beat myself up. In the past fifteen minutes my body went from extremely excited to apathetic to terrified. I wanted to believe the very idea I'd leave Edward merely on the notion that we wouldn't try to have sex in my current condition just ludicrous—but it wasn't. And what was I doing with Jacob? I thought I cried that part out of me, but she was still there—Jacob's Bella. She was a hole in my heart that ached and longed whenever she thought I could hear her. She knew what I was doing with Jacob, even if the rest of me blocked her.
Alice gave my hand a slight squeeze. "I'll always be your sister, Bella." I couldn't look up into her eyes. I knew mine weren't to be trusted, and I didn't know if I could stand to look at the pain in hers. I could tell by her voice that she was still very doubtful that I was going to pull out of this. Edward and I were soul mates, and somehow I had to trust that I could figure this out. I needed to make a real compromise.
"I have to go." I stated. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I needed to think, and I needed to talk: to Edward.
"I know," was all she said, pulling me into a deep embrace. I felt her icy frame mould my body, like it was the last hug she was ever going to give me. I had to believe it wasn't, but I couldn't. I returned the hug as passionately as I could.
"I love you, Alice."
"I know. I love you too. You'll do the right thing."
"Do you know that?" I asked fiercely.
She shook her head, but smiled meekly. "A psychic can hope, right?"
I walked out of the room, leaving Alice on the bed behind me. I prayed it wasn't the last time I see her face. My feet could hardly walk down the hall. Each step was taken with considerable force. I hoped that I wouldn't have to encounter any other members of the family. I didn't know if I could face them.
Each step down the staircase was equally painful and almost suffocating. I knew my balance wasn't the best, but I had to get out of there as fast as I could. With all the strength left in me I bolted. I don't even remember closing the door.
I keep running out the door and into the forest, disregarding Edward's warning a long time ago to stay out. I knew I wasn't running very fast, not even for a human, but I was driven. Fear, anxiety and sheer panic were propelling me further into the woods. My world seemed to slip even farther from my feet.
I kept running. I never knew I even had that kind of endurance. Even when I tripped a little, or the branches scratched my legs and arms, I still kept on. I started to enjoy the lightheadedness, the muscles throbbing, the lactic acid screaming at me to stop. I didn't listen to any of my body's warning signs.
When there was no more ATP to burn, my legs collapsed over a large tree root, causing me to go face first into the ground. It was unusually soft when I landed. I knew I must have looked hideous. The thought made me laugh aloud, and it burned my dry throat. Before I was covered in the typical cliché of blood, sweat and tears, but now that was mixed with dirt, fallen leaves and burrs. I was a wreck, and it amused me. I almost started going into hysterics, but exhaustion and pain started to pull me into unconsciousness. For a while I tossed in-between the two states.
"Bella?" an angelic voice whispered. I don't know how much time had passed, or even where I was. The air was much colder than it was before and the ground did not feel as soft. "Bella?" The voice repeated, louder—more concerned. My eyes blinked twice and I saw a Greek god before me, his copper hair perfectly in place. I didn't want to speak. Surely if I was to open my mouth this illusion would disappear. He would leave—then I remember. He would stay-- I would leave. The mere thought was unbearable.
He repeated my name once more, but this time he was moving. I felt a blanket wrap around me, and I was in his arms. I could barely feel the coolness from his body, my whole body was too cold to really feel the contrast. For the sake of his sanity, I tried to say his name, but it came out as a mumble.
"Shh, love," he whispered to me, soothing me, "I'm not going anywhere."
I started to cry at his words, alarming him. It dawned on me that he didn't know—that Alice hadn't told him.
"Please Bella," he croaked through his velvet voice, "tell me what's wrong?" For the first time I wished that I could convey my thoughts to him. I could barely think of the conversation with Alice, but somehow I have to relay everything out loud. I didn't know if I had the courage to do that.
Edward picked me up with ease and started to walk, but slowly. At the same time he rubbed my legs and arms, trying to warm me up. My conscience started waking up a little more, but I was still exhausted. I was almost happy Edward held me and I didn't have to walk back. "How long have I been out here?"
"Five hours. You don't know how sick with worry I've been. I'm so sorry Bella."
"Sorry for what?"
"For leaving. For being angry. I couldn't control myself Bella. I had to leave. I went hunting for a couple hours, trying to think of other things…to get my mind off…well, when I came back and you weren't here. I knew you were in the forest, but Alice said to leave you alone. But the minutes turned into hours and you hadn't moved. That's when Alice said she was going to get you. Then we fought…I couldn't—can't understand why she wouldn't let me come. She blocked me vehemently the entire argument." Through my exhaustion I could make out the confusion in his voice. I didn't want to let him in on it. I was enjoying this broken moment too much, even if I was dirty and cold, but I knew I'd rather do this away from the rest of the Cullens' vampire hearing.
"Edward," I cut in. I looked up into his perfect gold eyes. They were even brighter now that they were fresh from the hunt. He looked back at me, his eyes beaming with so much love it hurt. It tore right through me. "I know why Alice wanted to get me. She had a vision."
His eyes continued to stare intently on me, but I found that he was no longer standing. I was still cradled in his arms, perfectly protected and no longer cold. Edward however was no sitting on a patch of grass between two large roots, under a large tree. He was patient for me to continue talking. I didn't want to however. I just wanted to sit with him like this forever.
"Alice had a vision that we would fight, and I would leave," I started. I wasn't prepared for this conversation. It was easier to talk of my death in the clearing forever ago than to hint as leaving Edward. He wasn't fooled however, but he didn't say anything, knowing I would continue talking.
I took the largest breath I could. I dragged it on for time sake. "She saw us fighting about sex Edward. You told me that you didn't want to make love until I was changed—not even make love, just be close actually. I guess the fight was enough for me to leave…I don't really know what happens, my future becomes lost."
"Jacob Black," he said automatically. "Do you sleep with him?" he asked quietly. My heart broke.
'Alice can't see that. You know that."
Edward looked at me—my eyes—"I know, but you know if you would have. Your heart knows." At that moment, tears starting pouring down my face. I couldn't look at him anymore.
"I want to say no," I pushed the words out through my tears.
"But you can't."
"No." I answered honestly, and it broke my heart even more. The tears didn't stop. The salt mixed with dirt stained Edward's clean sweater, but he still looked beautiful. He just held on tightly. One arm was wrapped around my shoulders, his other sat on top. His free hand moved the hair away from my face, rubbed my arms and grazed my cheeks.
We sat in silence for a while, broken only by my tears. I wasn't cold either, just tortured. Then he spoke, and I clung to every word. Our last moments. "Earlier… in the bedroom, you don't understand how beautiful you were. And how you wanted me. It was torturous. The entire time I was focusing on myself, just keeping myself together. Every time I moved a finger, I had to so careful. My entire body was fighting this terrible battle, and then you! Your face so elated, so trusting. I wanted so much to be in the moment, like yours. I was jealous that you could be and I couldn't. You were so quick to undo me, and how I wanted to be undone."
"I'm sorry," I cut in, but he put one of his cold fingers to my lips and smiled.
"No, you're not my love. And that's okay. I was angry for so many things. I was slipping control, and the hunger was taking over. Not the usual hunger—but the hunger to take you. And you were edging me on farther than what I would normally dare to do. I don't blame you for trying. I would have too, perhaps. You were driving me insane…and then that trick…" I wanted to slip in another apology, but Edward had a smile to his face, as if remembering. "You are the most dangerous creature on this planet."
"I've heard that before." I mumbled, and he kissed my cheek…and then my jaw line…then my neck. Somewhere in the past few moments, something had turned. "I… don't… understand."
Edward took my face in his free hand and bore his eyes onto mine. "You'd think that I'd let you go, given the chance?" he asked me. I didn't know what to say, but I noticed that he started to become very serious again.
"I just found lying unconscious, on the cold ground, in the middle of a forest-- with mild hypothermia. I didn't know why. Can you imagine what was going through my head? Alice giving me nothing to go on. And now this?" Edward looked sternly at me. I didn't know where he was going with his rant, it really made little sense to me. I looked at him for clarification. "I made the decision about getting close because I thought it was going to be the best thing in the end. I thought you'd be a little upset. Clearly I was wrong. I know I push things to the extreme. We both do really. I'm the one that is sorry my love, so deeply sorry."
I smiled at him, realizing that he was just recanting the statement, contradicting the vision.
"So it wasn't just that I was hideous neck down?" I asked coyly. I saw a devilish grin cross his face. He was giving me his crooked smile.
"So dangerous my love, so dangerous." Edward kissed me again, and again. It was still frigid outside, and his lips were cold marble against my skin, but it felt amazing. I briefly wondered how he could want to kiss me when I was so matted and dirty.
Edward seemed to intersect my thoughts when he stopped my thoughts, "you are so beautiful, even now."
"Yeah, yeah," I said. "I think that maybe, you should get me back. I want to shower before I go home."
"And Alice would probably like to see that the two of us are in fact intact…and together still."
"Always." I corrected with a smile, "and she probably already knows."
Edward laughed melodically. "Oh, most definitely," he said lightly, standing up in one fluid motion. I tucked my head into his chest as he started running. There wasn't anywhere else in the world I wanted to be.
Hope it was okay! Thanks everyone.