If I owned Harry Potter my college tuition would not be a problem

Have you ever read a story where Ron and Hermione are spying on Harry, Dumbledore is a manipulative B$#!, everyone is plotting against him, Voldemort gets bonus points for being honest. Ever been surprised Harry didn't flip them off and tell the wizarding world to save themselves? This one's for you.

I Quit

Scarlet eyes regarded the pile of paperwork with a gaze that would make even veteran aurors go weak in the knees. Being in charge of anything inevitably led to a large amount of time spent stuck in an office. Still, the man once known as Tom Riddle seriously wondered if the number of documents that crossed his desk were part of an elaborate plot by his enemies to drive him insane. Either that or they had begun to breed.

Voldemort blinked as a package appeared atop the pile in a burst of dark red smoke. He knew that spell; it was used to pass secure messages, usually between family members. For the object to reach its destination, the sender and receiver had to have a strong connection.

The dark lord wracked his brain. Who could be sending him mail in such a fashion? He had no family; he had killed them all. Slender fingers plucked the letter from beneath the string and turned it over. He examined the handwriting a moment before sighing. Of course, who else?

To the Dark Lord Voldemort a.k.a. Tom Marvolo Riddle, the black ink spelled out. The British Isles, Evil Unknown Place.

It was unmistakably from his young nemesis. Not so young anymore, Voldemort reflected. Harry was almost nineteen. He had become quite a handful, to enemy and ally alike.

He pulled the letter out of the envelope. There was no reason not to see what the young man had to say. It was probably safe. Voldemort didn't feel any malicious magic and it wasn't near any major holidays. Not like the message that had arrived by owl post last April first. It had taken him days to find the counter curse to Harry's spell. The dark lord glanced down briefly; just to reassure himself his skin was the proper color.

Voldemort,the letter read. After due consideration I have decided to retire from the hero business. In layman's terms, I quit. The snake-like man's thought processes came to a screeching halt. He went back to the beginning and reread the letter carefully. Yes, that was what it said.

I have also determined, it continued. That as sad as it is, you are the one person who deserves any notice of my actions. Sure you want me dead, but at least you're honest about it.

I realized a long time ago that my first meeting with the Weasleys was contrived. Molly has seven children; the idea of her forgetting that the Hogwarts Express leaves from Platform 9 ¾ is ridiculous. Therefore, I was less surprised than I would like to admit when I found out my supposed best friends were spying on me.

Aah, Voldemort realized. So that was why the Golden Trio had drifted. Most people had attributed it to the boy-who-lived being worried for the pair's safety. He turned his attention back to the letter.

Sirius is dead; let's not lay any blame on anyone for now. As for Remus, he has a huge blind spot where Dumbledore is concerned. He's a bit too grateful about the allowances the Headmaster has made for a werewolf over the years. When it comes down to it, I can trust no one but myself.

The wizarding world in general views me as an icon, a symbol, a weapon to be used and disguarded at will. I have known for some time now that should I survive this war, I would never be allowed to be just Harry, which is why I always intended to leave.

Finding out that Fudge intended to chuck me in Azkaban once you were dead, and that the leader of all that is good and light didn't intend to stop him, simply assured me I had made the right choice. I count dementors on my list of fates worse than death. I doubt anyone else would speak against it either. The wizarding world is full of sheep, do you not agree? It's amazing the society didn't collapse years ago.

I've put up with a lot, starting with my so-called family. I call them that because I recently discovered my Mother was adopted, but never mind that. It isn't important. What is important is the reason I stayed. No offense Tom, but I hate you. To quote a movie I saw once, "nothing would please me more than to kill you." However, that is no longer enough.

No longer enough? Now the dark lord was curious. It isn't everyday one's mortal enemy says such a thing. What could have possibly changed Harry's views? Voldemort reached out mentally, following his link to the younger man before frowning. He could barely sense him. The link between them hadn't been broken, but it was stretched to the point it was nearly nonexistent. What had the boy done? Voldemort suspected the letter held his answers.

I don't care what they say! The handwriting became somewhat sloppy. It was clear the young lion's famous temper had come into play. I will not allow myself to be soul-bonded just to give me a better chance of winning this war. Dumbledore even had the nerve to say it would provide me with the love and stability I have always lacked or some such.

Voldemort found it surprising Harry hadn't killed Albus on the spot. He would have known better than to say such a thing and he only saw Potter physically a few times a year.

Therefore, as I stated earlier I am leaving. It is a given that even if you let me go Dumbledore would hunt me to the ends of the earth. Unfortunately for him, I'm no longer on it. Trust me, it wasn't easy to find a spell for that.

It is a little depressing. When I was studying compatible dimensions they all had two things in common, magic and some sort of conflict. I guess the centaurs were right. I am a child of Mars; war is all I know.

Good-bye and try not to kill everyone. It was signed Harry James Potter. There was a postscript. P.S. The package contains all the things I have noticed that may assist you in conquering the world without destroying it. P.S.S. Next time you see the bumblebee, tell him and the flock of fried chicken to kiss a blast-ended skewt.

The dark lord blinked. It seem things were turning in his favor. As he turned the letter over Voldemort considered sending a copy to the Daily Prophet. It would be mildly amusing to watch the wizarding population go into a tizzy.

Else ware, in a land far far away, a green eyed man gave his weapons one final check before heading outside. Harry Potter, he mused, demon hunter. It had a nice ring to it.

I wrote this ages ago and have finally got around to typing it

Hope you liked it; I might do more in HP someday

Bonus points to anyone who recognizes the quote