Ye Great Ink Shortage
Original Story By Kimmee Lockwood
Rewritten By Wen McGrath
Sequel to The Parchment Ball War At Hogwarts.
Once upon a time, there was a school. Twas a little castle by the name of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry , run by four of the greatest witches and wizards of the age. They were Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, Godric Gryffindor, and Salazar Slytherin. They each had made their own "houses" at Hogwarts according to what qualities they thought a wizard or witch should have.
On one particular bright and sunny day, the students were in the Great Hall for breakfast. A large group of Gryffindors were loudly and merrily singing the Hogwarts theme song:
Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts
Teacheth us something please!
Whether we be old and bald or young with scabby knees!
Our heads could do with filling
With some interesting stuff
For now they're bare and full of –
Suddenly a group of Slytherins called from across the hall, "Could ye guys be any lamer?"
This enraged the Gryffindors, and they grabbed the small pieces of parchmente they were holding. Two of the people who did this looked like twins and had vivid red hair and freckles.
They crumpled up ye pieces of parchment and threw it at ye Slytherins, and shouted, "YE PARCHMENT BALL FIGHTETH!"
Ye few teachers who had woken up early enough to be at breakfast grabbed their wands and ran down the rows between the tables, giving detentions to the people who were participating.
Meanwhile, the Hogwarts teachers that had finished their breakfast and were too deaf to hear the uproar caused by ye parchmente ball fight, were getting ready for ye end of year exams.
"Oh, blast," said one grouchy teacher. "We have no ink. Binns! Go forth, and collecteth us some ink!"
"Oh, must I?" reasoned Professor Binns.
"Yes! Now go!"
Grumbling, Binns stalked off towards the nearest storage closet down ye corridor. He opened ye door.
"Oh, drateth," Binns muttered. "Thou closet be outeth of ink." So he moved on to the next closet. No ink. He was getting annoyed. He supposed the other professors had takeneth all ye ink on this floor to get the tests ready. He moved to the next floor. What do you know, he thought. No ink. He passed on to the next closet. Noneth.
Suddenly, Peeves swooped out from an unoccupied classroom and passed over Binns's head.
Peeves twas the school's poltergeist. He twas always causing trouble upon ye school.
"Ooh, if it isn't ickle Binnsy," said Peeves.
"Go away, Peeves," replied Binns shrewdly. "I'm trying to find ink."
"Well, your not going to find any here!"
"And why would that be?"
"I took it all from this floor and put it in ye Astronomy Tower! Actually, don't even bother looking there, I checkedeth and it's not there anymore."
Binns glared at him for a second, and then walked down ye stairs to find ink. Once again, that floor twas empty. He became angry. Continuing to search for ye ink, he came to realize that Peeves had probably stolen all the ink in ye castle.
He walked back up the stairs to find Peeves, whom he found in an empty classroom.
"Peeves!" Binns shouted insanely. "Where did thou taketh ye ink!?"
"As I said earlier," replied Peeves coolly, "I only tooketh ye ink from this floor and tooketh it to ye Astronomy Tower. I would get expelled from ye castle if I took it all!"
Swearing angrily, Binns stomped back up to where the other teachers were still preparing for exams.
"Fellow colleagues," Binns said dully. "I am afraid we have a problem. All of ye ink in ye castle is gone."
Binns was surprised to absorb the shocked gasps and horrified gazes as they all looked at him, terrified.
"Alas, colleagues, we must alerteth ye Founders!" they shouted enthusiastically in unison.
The professors walked quietly in a group to the Headmasters' office. This was a serious matter. It just could not be postponed. Surely, the Heads would be able to come up with a solution.
"Come in!" shouted one of the Heads.
The professors shuffled into the study. One teacher pushed Binns forward and said, "Professor Binns has something he wouldeth like to tell you." Binns explained everything, about the ink being gone and not taken from Peeves, and how Peeves had put the ink from one floor onto the Astronomy Tower, and how it had mysteriously disappeared.
"So, in conclusion, your Headships, all of ye ink in ye whole castle is...goneth." Binns said quietly.
"WHAT?!?!" shouted Gryffindor, who had been drinking wine as Binns spoke, and spit it out all over Slytherin in shock.
"How rudeth!" said Slytherin.
"That's impossible, how in the name of Merlin is all ye ink in ye castle goneth?" said Gryffindor, ignoring Slytherin's comment.
"Tis true," replied Binns sadly.
"Well," said Ravenclaw thoughtfully, "I suppose we shalt have no choiceth, but to postboneth all ye examinations."
The students were still in breakfast, throwing ye parchmente balls at each other and singing at the top of their lungs ye Hogwarts song.
Hufflepuff came in the Great Hall and made everyone calm down and pick up all the pieces of parchment. Several students were hoping that in about a thousand years or so from now, their ancestors would throw ye greatest parchmente ball war ever.
"Students," Hufflepuff said loudly. "I beeth afraid we must postboneth all ye examinations until further notice."
They couldn't believe it. It was great! No one knew why it had happened, but it was a miracle, whatever it was. Before Hufflepuff could continue, all ye students rushethed out upon ye corridors and ye grounds, playing with "ye festival in a barrels". Hufflepuff was afraid that they mighteth have to find out about ye great ink shortage the hard way.
All night, ye students partied like they had never partied before. They partied harder than when they beateth other Houses in the House Cupeth, harder than they did when they beat other teams at Ye Quidditch. They were so merry that they gaily jumped around for hours and hours until they were so tired that students all over ye school were fainting in the middle of ye corridors, with the exceptions of the first years, who were so pepped up that they looked to the older students like little overly caffeinated chipmunks. Most of ye older students, however, were so tired that they were like useless lumps as they passed out on the floors. The rest of the older students, however, were flying their brooms around the school until they crashed into a wall and broke their brooms so that they fell 20 meters to the floor and lay immobile. The healer at the school was running around, and several of ye students had to be taken to ye Mango's Hospital.
Eventually, ye students started to calm down. They settled in chairs, and were about to start doing homeworketh. However, they noticed something was terribly wrong. Everyone in each common room was searching for ye ink, but nay, they found not a single bottle.
For what seemed like an eternity, ye students of Hogwarts searched and searched until they heard ye bell for lunch. They sat down to face ye wine and mutton, but there was none. They looked up, and saw Professor Hufflepuff standing and looking at them all.
"Students!" Hufflepuff shouted. "It's not as great as you might think. Sure, ye may have extra time to study for examinations, though hopefully you don't need it. However, all of ye ink in ye castle, is...is...g-gone."
"Aaaaaah!" ye students shouted. It was chaotic. All ye students got up from their seats, and started running around the Hall, banging into each other. Girls were crying and screaming. Boys were sitting on the floor sucking their thumbs, murmuring, "No ink...no ink..." By ye end of ye day, about a third of the school was overcrowding the hospital wing. Some had bloody noses, some couldn't stop screaming, and were pulling out their hair so much they were going bald. The school's healer was again rushing around, giving everyone hair growth potions and other healing methods.
Some students had basically gone deaf due to the loud screaming coming from the uproar caused by the sudden outrage.
As the students went from going overly merry to so depressed they couldn't even talk, the Heads kneweth that something had to beeth done, and quicketh.
"Tis not that bad," said Slytherin happily. "I mean, ye students don't get in trouble anymore, and they never talk."
"Know matter how troubled they be, they must take ye examinations anyway!" Ravenclaw insisted, looking up from her paper. She always cared only for the academic lives of her students. "I don't know how we would do it...Maybe we could importeth some ink from...France! I heard Beauxbatons just got a new stock..."
"Yes, I agree, but what if all that ink disappears?" replied Gryffindor. "Then we shalt both oweth Beauxbatons ink and we would have to get more of our own..."
"Rowena, I agree that we do needeth more ink," said Hufflepuff thoughtfully, "and we do defiantly need to have ye examinations, but...why don't we just conjure ink?"
"Helga, that be a fine idea," commented Slytherin, "but we shant be able to conjure nearly enough!"
"Oh, Salazar!" Gryffindor said. "How do we know that thou didn't take all ye ink for ye self and hide it in that secret chamber of thine? Aha! Admit it!"
"That idea beeth even more cabbage-headed than to teach trolls ballet!" retorted Slytherin.
Sensing yet another Gryffindor - Slytherin row, Hufflepuff stood up and told the two of them to knock it off, or she would hex them until they both looked like warthogs. Gryffindor and Slytherin ignored her. She actually pointed her wand at ye pair of them.
"I shalt do it!" she said.
But they still paid no attention.
"Come, we all know you made a secret chamber that only you can open in that crazy snake language you know." Gryffindor said.
"That's true, but still! Even I think tis awful to take ALL ye ink from ye castle!" Slytherin retorted. "We all know that ink is a necessity of life."
"Come on, ye! Stopeth quarreling!" Hufflepuff said reasonably. "Rowena, can ye lend some assistance?" Hufflepuff looked over at her. But it seemed that Ravenclaw twas either ignoring everyone else in the room or that she twas just being rude. She was looking intently down at her newspaper, Ye Prophete Dailye.
"Actually," Gryffindor said thoughtfully. "I heard that Muggles had recently up with something, I believe it is called ye...what was it...oh yes. Ye pen. It be a device that ye can write with, and you needent even dip it in ink! Actually, I believe 'tis automatically filled with ink! Doesn't it sound like it could work?"
Slytherin looked disgusted.
"Yay verily," he said sarcastically. "I agreed to alloweth Mudbloods into ye school, but I shalt not alloweth Muggle products here! Their must be another way to acquireth ye ink. Besides, we would just haveth another outrage when all these 'pens' runs out of ink."
"Rowena?" Hufflepuff said. "Thou have rather quiet. What do you think?"
However, Ravenclaw, who twas sitting on her desk in front of the three of them, twas concentrating on a small advertisement for something.
"Hey! Helga, Godric, Salazar! Focus!" Ravenclaw shouted, unaware that they had stopped fighting.
"What" they said in unison. Ravenclaw looked excited, like she had entirely solved the problem.
"Look! There be an advertisement for a giant squid!"
"Rowena, don't ye have enough pets as it be?" Slytherin said.
"Nay," replied Ravenclaw testily. "Think, Salazar! Squids produce ink! It's ye answer to all our prayers! This whole chaotic scene of the students could finally end, we could stop worrying about how to get ye ink, and we could have ye examinations!"
Hufflepuff, Gryffindor, and Slytherin looked at her in awe.
"That...could...work!" exclaimed Hufflepuff.
"But what do ye suppose we feed it," Slytherin said coldly. He felt that ye last thing ye castle needed was another of Ravenclaw's crazy pets.
"Table scraps!" Ravenclaw explained. "And look – it says delivery in a night! We can still hold ye examinations!" She gaily jumped up and down for joy.
"I admit, that is a perfect solution!" Gryffindor said. Hufflepuff and Slytherin agreed. Now, all that had to be done was alert ye students.
And they did. Ye students were very merry indeed. However, ye dear founders forgoteth to mention ye giant squid, so ye students had absolutely no idea how in ye name of Merlin they were getting ye ink. But still, ye students were once again partying harder than ever before. Once again, they were riding their brooms all around, crashing into other people and colliding with ye walls, breaking their broomsticks into splinters, and costing their parents thousands of Galleons. Did they care? Nay! For they shalt be acquiring ink once more!
It was seven in the morning. No one in all of Hogwarts slept that night. No one twas atired. They were actually sitting completely motionless in chairs all around their common rooms. No one spoke or moved. They were all anticipating the moment when ye ink arrived.
All four Heads were pacing around anxiously, especially Ravenclaw. What if her order hadn't gone though? What if someone had already bought ye squid? She could hear her heart beating. Slytherin, Hufflepuff, and Gryffindor were all anxious, too. She knew none of ye students got any sleep.
Suddenly, a large splash echoed through the corridors. Ravenclaw looked out the window. That had to be it. She rushed out of her office, and met Gryffindor, Slytherin, and Hufflepuff.
"That must be it," she said. The four of them ran out of ye castle. They couldn't believe what they saw. Two large purple tentacles were rising out of the water, and splashing back down. Between them was ye giant squid.
Meanwhile, ye students heard splashes. They ran to the window, and were astonished. A gigantic squid was showing out of the Black Lake. All the students in all the Houses ran out unto the grounds, and saw their Heads gazing at the squid, with merry smiles on their faces. Now that they had a giant squid, they would never run out of ink again, and, all thanks to Ravenclaw, they had a squid in ye lake.
But what twas making Ravenclaw so happy, twas now, they would be able to have the examinations. It was one of the happiest moments of her life.