" Where's the fucking remote?" yelled Hidan, digging through the couch cusions.
" I don't know." said Itachi quietly, not budging from his seat.
The Akatsuki living room, like any room shared by a number of homicidal men, was messy. Diedara's paintings covered the walls, piles of Kakazu's money littered the floor, there were the remains of Hidan's latest sacrifice (which was soon to be Zetsu's dinner), a snakeskin Orochimaru had left, and a bottle of nail polish that Itachi had dropped the year before.
Which meant, every movie night, it became quite difficult to find the TV's remote.
" Where the fuck could it be? I hate fucking looking for the remote!" yelled the foul mouthed ninja, rooting around under the sofa Kisame was stretched out on. The blue man appeared to be cuddling with his sword.
" You know the rule. Slowest attacker gets the remote." said Pein from the lazy boy he was sharing with that girl with blue hair. Itachi could never quite remember her name.
" Hurry up. I hate waiting." said Sasori gruffly.
" Yeah!" agreed Diedara, who was fiddling with some clay.
" Go fuck yourself, mother fucker. I hope you get fucking Aids in your hair." said Hidan, glaring at Diedara.
" You can't get…." began Diedara, but he was cut off by the ringing of the doorbell.
" Not it." said everyone but Hidan.
" FUCK!" swore the ninja, standing up and walking to the hall.
" Here's the remote." said Zetsu, handing it to Pein.
" Whoever the fuck this is, I'm gonna kill them." Hidan grumbled to himself. He grabbed his scythe out of the umbrella holder by the door and opened the door angrily.
" Hey." said a dark haired boy in a white robe with a purple rope belt.
" Your Itachi's gay little brother." said Hidan with a sigh. " What's up, fagballs?"
" Nothing much. Here to see my brother." said Sasuke, not reacting to the insults.
" Fuck off." said Hidan, closing the door. He turned and walked back towards the TV room, grumbling. The movie was already starting as he found his seat.
" Hidan, no weapons in the living room." said Pein, pointing to Hidan's scythe.
" Kisame's making out with his motherfucking sword!" screamed Hidan, waving his arms around. " Why don't you care about that?"
" Because I hate you." said Pein. Hidan bit his lip as he walked down the hall, everyone in the room laughing at him. He replaced his scythe in the umbrella stand and walked back into the living room. The credits had finished when the doorbell rang again.
" Not it." said everyone in unison.
" Tie goes to Hidan." said Pein with a flick of his wrist.
" You mother-fucking…." began Hidan, but he stopped himself and walked down the hall, eye twitching. He opened the door to find Sasuke still there.
" I said go away!" shouted Hidan, splattinging spittle on the Uchiha.
" I'd like to talk to Itachi." said Sasuke, looking unaffected.
" Fine! Whatever! Just get it fucking over with!" said Hidan, standing aside. " Hey, weasel boy! Your boy-loving brother's here!"
" Close the door, Hidan." called Pein.
" Hello, little brother. Have you come to fight me?" said Itachi, facing Sasuke as he walked into the room.
" Nah. I took some anger management classes." said Sasuke non-chalantly. " I'm supposed to come here and apologise."
" Apo….Sasuke, your supposed to kill me!" said an annoyed Itachi.
" I'm over that." said Sasuke with a shrug. " Besides, you're the last chance the Uchiha clan has for revival."
" What?" said Itachi, blinking.
" Getting' hitched to Naruto in a few weeks." said Sasuke, pointing to a ring on his finger.
There was muffled laughter from the rest of the Akatsuki. Itachi stood in humiliation, not able to look back at them.
" My other psychologist had me come to terms with my disinterest in girls. I guess mom knew what she was doing when she named me Sas-UKE."
Kisame doubled over in silent laughter, clutching his stomach painfully.
" You guys should be getting your invitations in the mail pretty soon. It'd be nice if you didn't try to kidnap him, but I won't hold it against you if you do. Anyways, I'm supposed to apologise for trying to kill you, blaming all my failures on you, writing yaoi fanfic's of you paired with Kisame and Orochimaru, and not getting you any birthday presents out of spite."
" You…wrote what?" said Itachi, his Sharingan twitching.
" And to try to make it up to you, here." said Sasuke, handing a envelope to his brother. " I formed a band because I was supposed find some sort of positive outlet for my angst. It's called Snake and we've got a concert in a couple days. Theres front row tickets in there for everyone."
" You think I…." began Itachi, intedening to turn his brother down.
" Mosh pit!" cried the Akatsuki, grabbing the envelope. Itachi sighed, now unable to escape.
" And finally, here." said Sasuke, hugging his brother. Itachi stood still, not knowing what to do.
Especially when Sasuke pinched his butt.
" How did this happen?" asked a inconsolable Kakazu, weaping in his seat.
" It was a fucking soda, Kakazu. It's not like I bought a t-shirt." said Hidan, taking a sip of his drink.
" It cost three dollars!" yelled Kakazu. " We could have bought one on the way for a buck!"
I am in hell. thought Itachi, sitting quietly in his seat while the crowd and Akatsuki cheered for Sasuke's little emo band. Sasuke will never become strong enough to fight me and I was groped by my own brother. This day could not get worse.
" Itachi! Hey!" called a feminine voice. Cringing, Itachi turned and saw Orochimaru walking towards him.
" Here for my body again?" asked Itachi, standing up. At least I get to beat him up again. thought the Uchiha. That usually cheers me up.
" No, no." said Orochimaru, smiling widely. " I've got Sasuke-kun for that now. Well, until he gets married. I hear the Kyuubi boy is rather possessive."
Itachi sweat dropped as the Snake Sannin smiled pervertedly.
" He's really turned around, hasn't he?" said Orochimaru, flicking his long tongue. " When he first came to me for power, I thought I could overlooks his crippling mental problems, but after a while I realized he needed help. Kabuto's not just a trained medic, he's got a PHD in psychology too!"
" YOU DID THIS?" said Itachi with a snarl.
" Of course!" said Orochimaru with a giggle. " I had to get my revenge somehow!"
Itachi stood stunned for a moment, then sulked.
I was wrong before. thought Itachi. Hell isn't bad. This is madness.
" Madness?" said Naruto, appearing besides him suddenly. " THIS IS SPARTAAAA!"
The blonde genin then kicked Itachi into the Pit of Doom.