Mystery Spot tag. More reflections on an intriguing episode. Any and all comments are always appreciated. Thanks for reading, B.J.

Frail Grasp on the Big Picture

Chapter One - Clarity

They say there is clarity in dying. That in that split second between life and death you understand. The universe opens up and the world finally makes sense as the planets align and order is restored, and then all your questions are answered in the order in which there were received... I say that's a load of crap. I mean, who the hell comes up with this shit? Like anyone has ever truly come back and given a report? Well, at least not until now. I am back from the dead… yet again. And I swear, if you mention a cockroach, I will shoot your ass full of rock salt!

I sure as hell don't remember getting any answers, at least not in the first hundred times. That's right, I said a hundred, and I don't remember learning a goddamn thing. And you can forget about the white light… didn't happen. My brother was right there watching me die over and over again, and he sure didn't get any words of wisdom outta me. Not once. All he got was death and pain, and then a bad version of Groundhog Day and I was back so we could turn around and do the whole damn thing all over again. No wonder the dude was flipping out!

Maybe we did learn something here. That some days you should just stay in bed. Yeah, right! You don't think we tried that? On this Tuesday, for me… didn't help. Nope, the roof collapsed... the motel burned down... heart attack.., and I don't wanna hear any I-told-you-so's about the cholesterol. I like my bacon, so give it a rest.

We tried every possible scenario and still I died. Maybe it's just my destiny… and I don't believe in that crap either. Poor Sammy though. Can you imagine living through that? Seeing the most important person in your life, your only living kin, die, again and again and again and… well, you get the idea. Watching Sammy die once was certainly enough for me, but then I'm a quick study.

Turns out a trickster was involved. Said he was trying to teach Sam a lesson. Huh. Interesting. Sammy's a bright boy, a freakin' genius if you ask some, and he don't get it. Doesn't get it. Really, does it matter at this point? Some people sure get caught up in minor details. OCD much?

Maybe that's the point? That I'm just one of the details. Small fry… short stack… one small part of the big picture. That whether I live or die doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. I'm not so sure I like that theory. Not that my self-esteem is that high anyway, as everyone including myself keep wanting to point out, but it is a bit harsh, don'tcha think?

No, I'd like to think that maybe it means that order will be restored in its own time. We keep focusing on saving me from my demon deal and maybe it's not our place to save me. Maybe that's already being taken care of by some higher power, some greater good. No, I don't believe in angels or a higher power either, so yeah, I know, I'm grasping at straws here and quite possibly delusional. But it wouldn't be the first time I've been saved from the reaper. In fact, I'm kinda going for the record here.

So, here we are. Another Tuesday and we're just waiting around for me to die. Wonder how it's gonna happen this time? I still think being hit by a car had to be way cool. Glad I wasn't around though for the other part… if I wasn't dead, I woulda been majorly embarrassed, definitely not cool… but all things considered, not exactly the end of the world, and totally natural and to be expected. I mean, if I knew ahead of time, I could always go with the pad… God!.., Depends? What's this world coming to? With my life, I never figured I'd live to that point. I wasn't exactly counting on making it to the old-age home.

So, here's the thing. Even if we make it out of this time loop, I'm still gonna die in less than a year. I know, it sucks, but I've kinda gotten used to the idea, not that you ever really get used to it. Still, I gotta say, it is harder now that I've admitted I want to live.

So, if you were in my situation, what would you be doing with your final days? Making out your last will and testament? Checking off that final to-do list? Writing sad poems and crying on your brother's shoulder? Or would you be sacrificing your final months to do some good in this world? To make a difference? To save a few lives? Maybe kill some evil sons of bitches and raise a little hell?

We're Winchesters and if you've ever heard of us, you know what I'll be doing this last year. Yeah, right, well, there was that… it is every guy's fantasy, after all. I figured I might as well take advantage of that 'dying wish' thing. I gotta admit, it was pretty wild, even by my standards. Truth is it was only a diversion. Even I know sex only goes so far. It was worth it just to see Sammy's reaction. Gotta say, little brother surprised me. Of course, his newfound tolerance didn't last long before he was calling me on my attitude and harping on me to want to live. Same old Sammy. It took him awhile to get through this thick skull of mine… you know, wade through the muck of all my issues. But Sammy's always had a way of getting through to me when no one else could. To be honest, I'd do anything for my brother, but I guess you know that.

I do want to live. Truth is I always wanted to live. I was just afraid for Sammy. Couldn't risk losing him all over again. This certainly is a twisted case of déjà vu here… no denying that, regardless of what Sammy thinks. Sorry, bro, I know it must be tough waking up every morning to another Tuesday knowing I'm gonna croak before the day's over.

Anyway, I finally admitted to myself and Sammy that I wanted to live and I don't want to go to Hell, and of course, Sammy just said, "alright, we'll find a way to save you"… but maybe we can't, maybe it is out of our control. Could be a deal's a deal, ain't no way around it. Face it, we did everything we could possibly think of to keep me alive until Wednesday and still I died. I think someone's trying to tell us something. Not to be dense, but it is kinda obvious. The problem is, I'm not sure what.

I guess maybe all we've got here are questions… too many of 'em and not near enough answers. I really hope if I do die that final time, it is true. I hope the universe does open up and give up all those eternal questions I've been dying to know the answers to like "Who left the cap off the freakin' toothpaste?" and "Whose turn to take the garbage out?". Yeah, there's a lot of important stuff to figure out before you bite the big one.

I guess there are just too many questions and too little time, and I'm tired… Sammy's sure tired… been a long day. And it's just the same old, same old, literally. All I know at this point is if this is what we have to look forward to with reincarnation, I think I'll pass. Once is more than enough.

- Dean Winchester as told to bjxmas February, 2008

TBC with Sammy's commentary

clar·i·ty –noun 1. clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding; freedom from indistinctness or ambiguity.

Synonyms 1 intelligibility, exactness, simplicity.

Yeah, right!

All standard disclaimers apply.

Title and eternal questions from the Eagles.

Kripke, what are you doing to us? Are you trying to drive us insane with our ponderings? I have to admit though, I do love a show that makes you think, even if it does roust me out of bed at three in the morning to jot down my musings.