Title: An Unruly Harem.
Warnings: General spoilers (however vague) but only up to just after the time skip. People not dying when they're meant to.
Notes: Pure, plotless silliness. Not meant to be taken seriously at ALL.
Summary: For someone who's supposed to find women a hassle, one has to wonder why Nara Shikamaru ended up with four. The results of being a reluctant ladies' man. ShikaTemaTayuInoKin. In any combination. Crackfic with gratuitous lesbian sex.
It must be hard, Temari thinks with a sort of vicious zeal, to be a reluctant ladies' man. As is always the case, the peevish thought process always brings up the question of why she's with the lazy bastard in the first place.
(She's never really reached a satisfying answer for that and she makes a mental note to ask the other girls.)
How pathetic is that? To fall for the kid in the first place was something she'd resisted fairly resolutely (he was weaker than Gaara, less amusing than Kankurou and Temari has always compared would-be suitors with her brothers) but the worst part was how willingly she'd accepted sharing him.
The dusky blonde sighs in exasperation, raking a comb through the dry silk of her hair.
It's not as if he's even that spectacular. She grimaces, making a face at herself in the mirror. He's scrawny, a layabout, most often found supine. He doesn't do housework, he doesn't remember to bring home milk when they need it and it's not as if he brings in that much money anyway – Temari's a Kage's sister for fuck's sake, a jounin. He's never bothered to go any higher than chuunin.
So why does she put up with it all? She hates Konoha (well, not all the time – only when she's pissed) because there's far too much rain and the people here are far too cheerful. Nothing like the ferocious starkness of a desert to bleed that annoying quality out of folk, but she still emigrated. On a part time basis of course, but she has to admit to living here for half the year at least. And for whom did she move?
The comb hits the wall and lies despondently on the ground, teeth chipped from the force of the kunoichi's blow. It's used to it by now.
"Is the comb suitably punished for its transgressions?"
Temari growls and swivels on her seat, laying an arm over the back of her chair as she turns to look at the other blonde who shares the house with her. Ino's carrying a laundry basket, ass length ponytail swaying behind her gaily as she sets the pile of clothes down. Clothes. Plural. Meaning, not just Ino's.
"He's got us doing laundry."
Ino blinks slowly, passing up on rolling socks to eye the older woman with a 'come again?' stare.
Temari's eyes flash and she gesticulates, rather forcefully, towards the laundry pile. "When did webecome homely?" Out of all the girls, she and Ino had been the most sought after – they were blonde, attractive and not war criminals of any sort (which always helped.) They had been the girls men were afraid to approach; those charismatic, intelligent women who could tear a guy to pieces with a few dismissive words.
They're still all of those things, but here's Ino folding laundry and here's Temari away from her homeland. And what for? Nara bloody Shikamaru.
Ino still looks bemused and plants a hand on her shapely hip. She doesn't look homely, what with her fishnet and her flat stomach on show. "Is this a midlife ninja crisis or something? You don't sound all that right in the head."
"Ino. I'm twenty-three. That's hardly middle aged."
"You're a ninja. If we're going to die at thirty, that's positively old."
"…You're so depressing sometimes."
The younger girl laughs, bright and wicked as she plumps down on the bed, crossing long legs. "So what's got you all down in the dumps then?"
Temari groans and runs a hand through her loose hair. Damn. There are still tangles. She probably shouldn't have chucked that comb so hard at the wall. "You're hot."
"No, I mean we're hot. And good in the sack." Temari scowls and gestures to the house at large. "So why're we wasting ourselves on some lazy git with bad hair?"
Ino frowns, lines creasing that pretty little forehead of hers as she attempts to work her way through Temari's erratic and complex thought processes. "Are you…asking me why I'm with Shikamaru?" she says, hazarding a guess.
Temari nods, still looking disgruntled over the situation at large.
"Oh boy," Ino murmurs to herself as she surveys the woman with whom she shares her man. Time was, Temari had been the one she'd resented the most, felt the most threatened by.
Then again, they'd been the first, hadn't they?
"Are you…unhappy with the situation?" It'd be a bad thing if Temari's suddenly decided that she doesn't want to share anymore, a bad thing for all concerned and there are a fair few of them.
Temari makes an aggravated gesture with one hand, helpless and frustrated all at the same time. "It's just…we get odd looks for being one of 'his girls' and he gets called a stud. It's demeaning."
Ino, about to placate her, suddenly narrows her eyes. "He gets called a stud?"
"Who the fuck'd want to get called a stud? Pansy ass nickname if I ever heard one." As the curse levels in the room immediately skyrocket, Tayuya makes her presence known. "The shitty store didn't have any vegetables left, so we're stuck with the dried crap for the next few days."
"See what I mean!" Temari's finger is pointing dramatically at the redheaded firebrand (ignoring the fact that Tayuya hates to be pointed at and is probably contemplating biting off the digit even as we speak.) "She's a prisoner of war, a tough broad who conjures up the creepiest looking zombies I've ever seen—"
"Hey, I don't take the piss out of your friggin' ferret things."
"Actually, I think Temari says they're weasels?"
"—and she's going grocery shopping for him!"
Tayuya turns, face like a thundercloud, to Ino and jabs a thumb in Temari's direction. "What's the Sand-bitch on about this time?"
Ino isn't at all fazed by the insulting label of identification for Temari – they all have their charming little nicknames. It had taken her a while to realise that 'Hippy-cow' was just the redhead's way of saying that having curves was in right now. "Something about why we put up with Shikamaru – did you know he gets called a stud?"
Tayuya snorts, flicking crimson hair more firmly over her shoulder. "Who the fuck cares?"
"You should." Temari's standing up now, looking pissed off as only a Sand kunoichi can (which is pretty wicked mad.) "He degrades us all. He's got us doing his laundry—" She points at Ino who looks sheepish and a tad rankled. "—his groceries—" The finger moves to Tayuya who glares and folds her arms across her chest. "—and Kin's downstairs cooking." Ire evident now, Temari places her fists on her hips. "Shouldn't he be helping? Lucky bastard's got four women and he doesn't even help around the house. Where the hell is he?"
While Ino should be worrying about when Tayuya's language started to rub off on Temari, she's more focused on narrowing her eyes, looking disgruntled as some rather nasty revelations start to click into place in her mind. Crossing to the door, she leans over the banister. "Kin!" she yells down the stairs. "Where's Shikamaru?"
"Um…out?" Kin emerges from the kitchen, bountiful hair tied back neatly, and dressed in a perfectly domestic apron. Ino's eye twitches slightly at the sight of that. "I think he said he was going to meet up with the boys for a drink once he was done marking papers." Curious as to why the other three girls are making so much noise upstairs, she begins to ascend towards them. "Why?"
"Because I needed to know if it's true that he's a creep!" The last word, which is yelled, just proves that Ino has exploded and that one of the infamous Yamanaka rages is upon them.
As the blonde stomps back into the bedroom, Temari smirks dangerously at her. "See?"
Tayuya watches appreciatively as Ino takes aim at a poor pillow, chosen at random, and kicks it rather savagely. Ino angry is always an impressive thing to see. In fact, all of the four women are fierce ones, terrible when angry. To have them all incensed over the same thing is a, frankly, terrifying situation.
"Why are we angry?" Kin asks as she comes in, wiping her hands off on her apron. The girl from the Sound looks to Tayuya for confirmation – even years of being separated from the rigid hierarchy of their old ninja village haven't stopped her from regarding the older girl as her superior.
"Shikamaru's a bastard," she says, almost cheerfully – Tayuya'sbeen calling him a bastard for the past handful of years and it's great to have the rest of them finally agreeing with her. Proves she's right and all. Makes her feel validated.
"….why?" Kin persists, glancing at Temari since Ino's too busy stalking around muttering inelegant things under her breath.
"He's complacent," Temari says, and her words have a bite to them. "He's given up trying anymore." Her brow furrows in annoyance. "It's like he just expects us to stay with him, now that he's a chick magnet and all."
"Like he's a stud," Ino spits, breaking off in her tirade for a moment to add to the conversation.
"Exactly," the sandy blonde agrees, crossing her legs in the aggressive way that, back when she was single and free, had men bending over backwards to see whether it was true about folk from the Hidden Sand not wearing underwear. "He doesn't appreciate what he has."
"How many guys wouldn't kill to have four women around?"
Kin nods – Ino's addition makes sense and, like the other three girls, she begins to scowl. "Yeah…I mean, what are we, his harem?"
Tayuya makes a rude noise. "Fuck that shit. It's not as if he's got the balls to keep any of us. I was on my way to kicking his scrawny ass until someone came to rescue him." She glares at Temari who rolls her eyes.
"I'm always saving him. I even had to ask him out the first time because it's just too much effort to actually make overtures to a girl."
"Tell me about it," Ino gripes. "I grew up with him."
Kin pats the blonde's shoulder consolingly, her pity for having had to put up with the lout for so long obvious. "It's a guy thing," the brunette says. "Probably comes from having a penis."
Tayuya's glance is scornful. "Which is a pretty pathetic excuse when you can order a vibrator off the net." She makes a face and flops down on the bed, crossing her legs in disgruntlement. "Seriously, who needs dicks anyway?"
"Who needs men for that matter?" Ino adds heatedly.
"So who needs Shikamaru?" Temari finishes and the silence after her words is pregnant as all four women size each other up, considering the answer to that question in some depth.
And so a wickedness is born.
Shikamaru's gait is slightly unstable as he weaves his way up the path towards the front door. One too many shots, he thinks. Or perhaps six too many. It's all kind of hazy and it really isn't a good idea to drink with Naruto who soaks the alcohol up like a sponge and seems no worse for wear. Lucky guy. But the point is that he's more than a little drunk and exhausted after a hard day's work – all he wants is to crawl into bed with his girls, hope that they don't nag him too much tonight and sleep until noon tomorrow so he can enjoy his day off.
Upon reaching the door, he decides that finding his keys is just too much effort right now and he finds the energy to rap his knuckles against the hard surface instead. Drained even by that, he props himself up against the wall and waits for whoever's going to let him in – it's not that late and they all keep fairly odd hours (aside from Ino who preaches the benefits of a good night's sleep for health and beauty. Mainly hers.)
When the door does open, it's really not what the tipsy Nara is expecting.
Tayuya, unabashed by her nakedness, plants a hand on her hip and glares at him. The look is dangerous and Shikamaru blinks blearily, unsure whether he should focus on her eyes or her rather bare chest.
Is this some sort of surprise? It's not an anniversary is it? (Which, by the way, is a most foolish thing to have invented, particularly when one has to remember four separate dates.)
It's not a surprise he decides when a hard hand shoves against his sternum and, balance being terrible at this point in time, he ends up flat on his ass, looking up at a ruffled, nude Tayuya.
"You're not staying here tonight," she tells him snidely, eying him in distaste.
He blinks and battles with his tongue until he can finally produce a sound that counts as a word. "Um…why?"
"Because we don't need you." She folds her arms and he's treated to a rather nice view of the hickey that's staining the pale skin on her neck a red as bright as her hair. "We're having sex. Lots of sex." She smirks and adds "Lots of really kinky sex" just to prove her point.
Shikamaru really can't do anything, but stare at her right now.
Tayuya's starting to close the door now – she seriouslyintends to shut him out? "Enjoy being a complacent bastard," she intones with an air of finality before the door to their home, hishome slams shut and he's left sitting on his doorstep, bemused as all hell.
…so, what just happened?
With a sigh, he gets to his feet (tottering dangerously on the way.) Women are strange, strange beings. Far too troublesome for words and his four push that definition to the limits, each in their own way.
Shikamaru turns, shaking his head, and starts making his wobbly way down the path again. Perhaps he can stay with Naruto who'll understand about dealing with emotionally complex women (Sasuke may not be a woman, but he's probably as much an emotional deadweight as Sakura and Naruto's a good guy for keeping them both happy.)
Troublesome, unruly women – they ask so much of him. Always so demanding.
So Nara Shikamaru, old-fashioned ass that he is, wanders off into the night, leavings his ladies to their amusements.
Perhaps they'd let him back in once morning rolled around and they were over whatever tizz they'd worked themselves into. Was it PMS? Kiba had mentioned something about women who lived together conspiring to have it, all at the same time.
It was clearly a plot against mankind. A dastardly one. It was so hard being male sometimes…