Now, I know the Van Helsing fandom isn't totally crawling with Sues, like, say Harry Potter. But I've read A TON on here and quizilla. com. So all of the ones I read are parody-ed here. Please review!!!
CHALLENGE 1: QUESTIONS
Kacila VampireHunter!Sue Antonia Dracula'sDaughter!Sue Amee NowDay!Sue Safiya Hybred!Sue Duvessa Dracula'sBride!Sue Hanna LastValarius!Sue Jade S. AuthorSue Tempest Random!Sue Kerry Ann Dracula'sObbsession!Sue Casondrah OldestVampire!Sue
Ten Van Helsing Mary Sues... Nine challenges...Who will be...The Ultimate Van Helsing Mary Sue?!
Ten Mary Sues stood at the foot of a hill, a sparkling mass of walking perfection.They were waiting for the host of this new show.
There was so much Sueishness going on, normal people couldn't get within fifty feet of the Sues without fainting.
"Oh my, like, GOD!!! This is so totally exciting!!!" Amee, the NowDay!Sue squealed, jumping up and down. Though in her five inch tall heels, that wasn't a very smart thing to do. But it was OK, cause...she wasn't very smart.
"Is this where we were supposed to meet the host?" asked a sweet looking Sue who was just so pretty and angelic you just KNEW she was totally innocent and pure. Mere mortals actually burst into tears at her voice.
Just then another girl popped up on the hill.
"Yes, it is! And I'm your host, Jade H.! The 'H' is for "Host', by the way," the new girl said. She was clearly not a Sue, as she actually looked normal.
"Welcome, Sues, to the fifth season of SUEvivor! The most popular (and only) game show for Sues! For nine weeks, you Sues will live together and complete challenges every week. Each week you will vote someone out until the last week, when one of you will be named the Ultimate Van Helsing Mary Sue," Jade H. said.
Jade H. turned to a blond/brown haired Sue with big brown eyes and a red peasant dress.
She looked almost just like Jade H., except Jade H. was much less UNBELIEVABLY HOTT.
That's right. Cap- locks hot.
Anyway, this Sue was Jade S., the author's Sue. Thus, the 'S'. For Sue.
"Jade S. You won SUEvivor last season. Do you think you'll be able to pull off another win this time?" Jade H. asked.
"Probably not," Jade S. answered. They waited, but nothing else was said.
"Ooookay." Jade H. She shook her head and turned to Antonia.
"Antonia, as Dracula's Daughter, you're very popular. You always seem to pop up in a few fan fic sites. Do you think you'll win"
"But of course. I am incredibly powerful and awesome and therefore destined to vin," Antonia shrugged. Yes, she did have a Transylvanian accent.
"Yeah, but...all of you are," Jade H. pointed out.
Antonia just crossed her arms and looked away.
"Riiiiight. That's enough of this. Why don't I show you Sues where you'll be staying for the next few weeks?" Jade H. offered.
And since it was her show, the Sues didn't have much choice but to follow her.
The trekked down the hill until they reached a dark and evil looking castle.
Jade H. swung the doors open. There was a cryptic creak, a swarm of bats, and a bolt of lightning for no apparent reason.
"See? Even the doors are cliche!" Jade H. told them.
They went down a cobweb-y hall way, that was lit by torches.
Finally the came to a big gothic looking door, which Jade H. opened.
All the Sues gasped dramatically. Inside was all dark cold. Spider webs hung everywhere and the furniture was covered in dust, including the crazy huge chandelier on the ceiling.
It was perfect for a bunch of vampires/vampire hunters/ Transylvanian peasants!
"This is your new home!" Jade H. announced. "The bed room is over there, and down stairs there's an awesome ball room. You know, for having super cool masquerade balls with Dracula. Um, OK," she said, as all the Sues ignored her, running in circles in the room screaming.
"I'll just...leave you guys to get settled, then," Jade H. said as she slowly backed out of the Sue room.
Remember Dracula's weird little servants from the movie? Well, a whole bunch of them waddled into the room, carrying all the Sues luggage. There was so much leather in there it actually mooed.
Tempest, the Random Sue, grabbed her bags and ran (gracefully, of course) into the bed rooms.
"Wooooow," all the Sues awed upon entering. There were ten beds all in a row, all of which were cobweb-y and gothic.
Then there was a giant walk-in closet the size of a small country and a mirror that told them how gorgeous they were.
"This...is...perfect," Duvessa, Dracula's bride, said. "It's just like my home in the castle"
"Dracula's castle didn't look like this, " Casondrah pointed out. She was very ancient and beautiful, and therefore wise.
Duvessa gave her a look. "Like facts matter."
"Well, I would much rather be in the wild Transylvanian forests," commented Safiya.
You could tell she was a hybrid Sue because of her yellow eyes, cat ears, and awesome tail.
Yes, she was half wolf, half cat, half fox, and half penguin (that was an accident, though). The Vampires automatically disliked her cause of her wolfy-ness.
"Yeah, well, I'D rather be killing off vampire scum, but you don't hear ME complaining," Kacila snapped. She was the vampire hunter, so she had to wear the Van Helsing hat and bandana at all times.
"Vatch it, human. It's a known fact Vampires are AWESOME," Antonia said, and all the vampires stood together with their arms crossed, glaring at the others.
"Why is it you're the only vampire with an accent here?" Hanna asked. Incidentally, she was dressed exactly like Anna.
Antonia opened and closed her mouth, trying to think of an answer. Finally she said, "Don't ask questions."
About an hour later, all the Sues had settled in.
The vampire Sues were lying in their stereotypical coffins, because Mary Sue fics are stereotypical.
A bat flew into the window, carrying a scroll of some sort.
"That's weird," said Jade S. "Were there even bats in the Van Helsing movie"
No body remembered, so Kerry Ann glided over to the bat and looked at the scroll. "It says here that our challenge is going to be held in the ball room. Um, right now," she said. "I guess we should go."
So all the Sues went to the big fancy ball room that looked just like the one in Van Helsing (minus the dancing vampires), because Suethors are only creative with their Sue's names.
Suddenly all the Sues burst into fan girl- like screams and squeals, because they had just seen their judges: Van Helsing, Dracula, and Velken.
"DRAKKIE!!!!" screamed most of them. There was a sudden wave of Sues all bearing down on the prince of darkness, who barely had time to scream in horror before they were on him, trying desperately to make out.
Jade S. was clinging to his neck, practically strangling him, while Duvessa and Casondrah just hugged him incredibly tightly. "Help...me..." he gasped at Van Helsing, who just laughed...until his Sues tackled him to the ground.
Velken, realizing what was about to happen, tried to run out, but his fan girls found him too and nearly glomped his face off.
Jade H. looked on, slightly amused but mostly annoyed until security came running up and pulled the crazed Sues away.
"You," Dracula said angrily, pointing at Jade H. "You never warned us about this"
"Yeah!" Van Helsing added. "You just said we'd be judging hot women"
Jade H. shrugged. "Yeah, well, you should have read the fine print in your contracts."
Jade H. turned her back on the hot guys, who were now looking over their contracts with a huge magnifying glass to find the fine print. "OK Sues, if any of you have seen past seasons of SUEvivor, then you'll know we always start the game with the challenge of Sueish questions. So pretty much, the judges will ask you something any REAL Sue would know, and you answer it as best you can."
The Sues nodded, except for Amee, who was distracted by something shinny.
"Alrighty then. The first question is for Antonia," Jade H. told them, then looked back at the hot guys.
"Oh, right. Ok, Antonia, you're supposed to be Dracula's daughter. Why is it you don't look like any of Dracula's children from the movie?" Van Helsing asked.
"Are you joking? Have you SEEN those things? Who vould vant to fall in love vith a slimy gray thing that explodes into green?!" Antonia cried. "As a Sue I must be pretty."
"Well, of course. Now, Duvessa. You are NOT my bride. Why should I not just kill you and save myself the Sueish-ness?" Dracula demanded.
"Drakkie," Duvessa purred, patting him on the head. "You saw me in a village and fell madly in love with me, so you killed me and turned me into a vampire to show that love. Now we are married and I'm your favorite bride!"
"That makes total sense and I understand completely," Dracula said, entranced by her beauty.
"Uhhh, Oooookay. Kacila. You're the vampire hunter. The best one in the world, actually. How are you different from Van Helsing?" Velkin asked.
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," Kacila said, and that went on for a while. Then she brightened and said, "Duh. I'm a girl!"
Jade H. rubbed her forehead. "Arg, the Sueish-ness! It burns!!!" "It burns us all, Jade," Van Helsing said. "Now, Hanna. How do you explain that you are the last of the Valarious when everyone knows Anna really is?"
"Van Helsing, it's a known fact that everyone are idiots," Hanna said in a dismissive manner.
Everyone stared at her blankly. "Well," said Jade H. "Yeah, but could we get an answer"
"Please. If I wasn't the real Valarious, what would I be doing here?" Hanna demanded.
They all looked around. "Well you can't argue with that," Dracula said. "Alright. Jade S. As an author Sue, you really don't have any pre-established cliches. So what will you do in your fan fics?"
"Ah, ya know," Jade S. shrugged. "I just follow you around adoringly and get myself stuck in life threatening situations so hot guys can save me. It's not much but it's how I roll."
"Casondrah," Velkin began. "You are the oldest, most awesomest vampire ever. You also have all the powers ever invented. Could you give us an over view of said powers?"
"But of course. Lets see...mind control, mind reading, telepathy, telekinesis, auric sight, flight, emotion control, controls the elements, controls the weather, talks to animals..."
"OK, thank you...Seriously, that's enough...STOP TALKING!" Jade H. screamed.
The scene came back. They had duct taped Casondrah's mouth shut.
Van Helsing nodded as Dracula wrote something on a note pad. "Tempest, your situation is a lot like Jade's. You're a Random!Sue, so what do you do?" Van Helsing asked.
Tempest giggled sweetly and several guys fainted.
"I wander alley ways and wait for an evil drunk guy to attack me so Dracula or Van Helsing will swoop in a save me, even though I'm a black belt in martial arts and could totally take the drunk guy out! " she answered with a dazzling smile.
The judges shared a confused look. "So...you like, just live in dark alley ways, waiting"
"...Righto, then. Kerry-Ann. You are Dracula's New Obsession Sue. What are you like in your fics?" Velkin asked.
"Besides perfect? Well, I'm sweet, innocent, loving, and I'm a virgin, which my Suethors make a big deal about for some reason," Kerry-Ann listed her awesome traits without even a mention of her bad ones, if she even had any.
"Well, isn't that special? Safiya. How do you respond to claims that you're not in enough fan fics to be in this show?" Dracula questioned.
Safiya tossed her golden mane (notice the animal references) and sneered, her fox tail swishing and cat eyes narrowing. "I will respond the same way my Suethors respond: Those stupid jerks are just jealous! They wish they could write like me! Wait, sorry. I mean, they wish they were as cool as me!"
"And the last question is for Amee. You are a the fan girl Sue. So, you randomly fell into the movie-verse and are now running around ruining it," Van Helsing said. "Am I right so far"
Amee nodded, smiling dumbly. "That sounds about right."
"Uh huh. Now here's a role play question for you: You force your way into Dracula's castle and find that, oh no! He is reacting in an IN CHARACTER way and tries to kill you! What do you do?"
Amee's face went blank with the horror of a character acting the right way in a fic. She quickly recovered and said, "I just let him turn me into a vampire and start my life as some form of Vampire Sue."
The judges nodded solemnly. "And now we figure up the answers," Dracula announced.
The three hot guys put their heads together, talking quietly and seriously, pouring over a note pad.
Dramatic music played as the camera panned across the Sues dazzling faces.
Finally Velkin stood up. "We have reached a conclusion. All of you showed amazing use of Sue Logic. Well, except for Jade S., but we can't vote you off this early in the show."
"Yes, so tonight's winner will be...Casondrah, for being a true Sue and not stopping no matter how much the readers beg you to!"
"Like I didn't see that coming, what with my predicting power," Casondrah sneered. The duct tape went back on.
"OK, Sues. Now we vote some one out. Casondrah, you go first," Jade H. held out a Van Helsing style hat and Casondrah put her vote in it. So did the others, but it's late and I don't want to describe it.
"Alright. Frist vote, Amee. Safiya. Kacila. Safiya. Jade S. Safiya. Amee. Amee. Hanna. And the first person voted out of SUEvivor: Van Helsing is...Sayfia."
Safiya hissed and stalked out.
"Alright, I'll see you Sues next week for your next challenge!"
END OF CHALLENGE 1
NEXT WEEK ON SUEvivor: The Mary Sues band together for their next challenge, mentoring young Sues just starting their career in fan fiction.
A/N: Kay, the next challenge will be funnier, I think. Sorry it took so long. :( Please review!