"And there was nothing you could do?"
"What do you think?" Severus grinned evilly.
"Did you meet Mundugus?"
"What did he say?"
"Sadra, please. Tonight will be tough enough."
"What if Harry will be killed?"
"How can you be so sure?"
"First, I would say, because we are not entitled to kill him."
"Well, I will be there and besides- Potter always slips out of tight spots due to a combination of luck and even more luck."
He closed his cloak, looking impressive in the dark black material. I was not sure what to think of all the latest events. Voldemort had released all his prisoners, he had nearly gained control over the Ministry and tonight he was intending to get Harry Potter. I had the strange feeling that my husband was fighting a lonely fight now Dumbledore was dead.
"Now give me a smile." He mocked.
I shot him a nasty glance. "How very funny you are sometimes."
"And how very confiding in me you are sometimes."
"Severus, I am afraid."
"There is no need for you to be afraid. If Potter gets killed accidently I will remain a devoted Death Eater as I have always been. So why worry?"
With that he was gone.
In August it was clear that Voldemort had again failed in the attempt to capture Harry who seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth. The Ministry now was in Voldemort's hands and he began to chase muggle-borns.
Of course, none of us realized what was going on in the beginning- for the wives of the Death Eaters the new era was more of a party than anything else and I was a celebrated member of the exclusive club for my husband was now Headmaster of Hogwarts.
Once again my main function had become being a nice accessory for my valued and most successful husband.
Luckily, I was allowed to continue working because Voldemort was of the opinion that his Death Eaters wives should set a good example and be nice and proper housewives. A job that definitely didn't suit me at all.
Severus, of course, was very busy at Hogwarts and so it was already after Christmas when we met again.
"It's been a long time."
"You look good."
"New Year's Eve we are inveted."
"Let me make an educated guess-yet another reception?"
"Wow. Did you use the time of absence to improve your Divination skills?"
"Hardly." I sighed.
"What?" He laughed. "A little coffee cup reading does no harm."
"Talking about coffee cups…what's up with Harry?"
"What do mean- what's up with Harry? Isn't it enough that he escaped from Godric's Hollow and from that Lovegood place?"
"Well, actually it is- he's good, isn't he?"
"The Dark Lord shouldn't have captured Luna. Kidnapping is a foul way of…"
"Don't be naïve! Kidnapping is a way to achieve one's goal and the Dark Lord wouldn't be who he is if he wasn't using options because they exist without thinking about fairness."
"You have a point here."
"Sadra. I do not want to argue."
"Neither do I."
We starred at each other, feeling more estranged than ever.
"I have a gift for you."
Without waiting for my response he drew a little package out of his cloak and handed it to me. I opened it and found a beautiful necklace made of finest sapphire.
"Severus!" I gasped. This necklace must have cost more than a fortune.
"It belonged to my mother. I want you and later your daughter to wear it. I have no use for this."
The New Year's reception was the usual drama, though a lot of people congratulated to our Wedding Day- a fact I had almost forgotten. Since Severus had given me his family heirloom I was completely out of it. I was not sure whether he wanted to say that he still loved me or if he wanted to say goodbye- be it because he would be leaving me or die soon. We had slept with each other often during those last few days, but still I was not able to give myself an appropriate answer.
It must have been March when I realized that something was entirely wrong with me. I felt tired all the time, sick and heavy. I wanted to sleep all day and all night and I even skipped work for a few days. Clot came to visit me- still happy with Thorfinn.
"Hey, what's up with you? People told me you are sick, but you look okay."
"Thank you, Clot." I yawned. "I am okay, I'm just tired."
"Tired? Skipping work because you are tired? That sounds unlike you- my dutiful friend." She laughed.
"Dunno. Maybe I am getting lazy?"
"Too lazy to work? You will not keep your job for very much longer if you are getting to lazy to work, my dear! No- just kidding, I mean…you don't feel sad? Or something?"
"Oh, you think, I am depressive? Nah, I don't think so. I am in a good mood."
"Good enough to eat?" She grinned evilly. "You gained a little weight, hmm?"
Our gazes met and it took only a second to know that we were thinking along the same line.
"No." I was the first to speak again.
"No? But you have been sleeping with him?"
"But I always took my potion! I swear, I did!"
"Nearly every time?"
"Every time!" My voice was definitely sounding hysterical now. Severus would kill me!
"Hey hey, easy, girl. There is only one way to find out what's up with you."
The midwife had nothing to say to me, I didn't already know. I was pregnant, and I was too far along to even think about getting rid of the child.
How could this have happened?
"But I took my potion." I refrained from stomping on the floor like a child.
"Child, sometimes, love has its own means." The voice of the old woman was cawing.
"What?!" I snapped, causing the old witch to turn her face away from my ungrateful features.
"You mean," Clot was interrupting "you mean- a potion can become useless because of feelings?"
"Sometimes, child, sometimes."
"Maybe he just changed bottles?" Clot suggested to the old witch.
"He doesn't want to have a child! He just does NOT want to! I know! He told me a hundred times!"
"Child. I know your husband. He is a powerful wizard. Maybe he knows his days are numbered."
I stared at her in disbelief. What was the old hag trying to tell me?
"So he changed bottles?" Clot seemed to be very fond of her idea.
"I would not know, child. Whatever it is, it is powerful. You ought to have this child, my dear. That much is sure." The old witch looked at me again.
"Is there any other option?" The greed in my voice was apparent.
"No, there is not. Leave now."
"No." His voice was a hollow whisper. "What have you done?"
"Severus." I was pleading. "I swear, I took that potion, I swear!"
"How could you?" He spat.
"I have done nothing wrong!"
"No, of course not! You never do wrong!" His tone was aggravated.
"Severus, she said…she said..it sometimes just happens. She said something about love and its own means and…"
He laughed out bitterly.
"Love? And its own means? Who are you trying to fool?"
"Severus, please!" For the first time in my life was pleading "not guilty" for a reason.
I took this potion. Every single time I had been with him.
Hate made his eyes glisten.
"Why are you trying to bring me down like this?"
"Bringing you down?" It had taken a few days to get accustomed to this new life growing inside of me, but now that there would be no other way than to be its mother, I would be fighting for my child like a lion. That was the very reason I had visited Severus at Hogwarts that stormy night in April.
"To bring you down?! You? A foul double agent? What could enlighten your boss – I mean the one who is still alive- more than this?!"
"What is it you want me to do? Jump down one of your endless staircases here? I will if you want me to! This is not my fault! Oh, forget it- I won't. Just fuck you!" I turned to leave.
"This was not meant to be your child!" I stopped dead in my tracks.
"Oho! Maybe you should watch out with whom you are sleeping!"
"Maybe you should have been faithful! Maybe you could have replaced her in my heart!"
"Is it Lily again?"
"Was it Sirius that night?!"
The door slammed.
I slammed the newspaper onto the table. This couldn't be the truth! My husband was dead and
I had to read it in the Daily Prophet. My eyes started darting from the headline to the window
to the fireplace and back, I felt like someone was strangling me while a fist was clenching my
A fight in Hogwarts. Voldemort defeated, Harry Potter saved the world and my husband was killed. My trembling fingers found the edge of a chair. He always had things under control, he was so powerful, this could not have happened to him.
I sat down and like a dark wave the truth hit me, tears started pouring from my eyes and I screamed out in misery. Severus would never come back home to me.
I gave birth to his son in a stormy night in October. I named him Severus after his father, he had his dark black eyes. It had been him.