How 'Wizard of Oz' Could Have Ended...
Rod Serling: Good Evening, I am your host Rod Serling, in a place beyond shadow, without light, darkness beyond twili-- no wait, that's later on. Imagine if you will, an alternate shadow, a place far, far away... that should never have been seen by mortal eyes. Four brave adventurers have just completed their quest. You might recognize THIS version of the story, from a cheery child hood memory, which thank God has been blanked over. For that would show, time, *Mutters, * or sheer will.... Really does gloss over painful memories. The time is sometime, and the place, is the antechamber of "The Wizard of Oz...."
*Dramatic music plays as the scene slowly changes from the creepy starry background to a large throne room, completely made of Amethyst crystal. *
Rod: Four haggard and odd figures timidly walk in through the large amethyst doors, one a tall and proud swordsman, 'slightly' klutzy, mind like a rusted steel trap. The second, a short diffident, shy maiden, unsure of herself, dressed in a sexy lion's outfit, heels included. The third, a stoned woodsman.... Oh, wait a second... a woodsman made of stone. And finally, a small statured, hot tempered, red head, in a blue gingham dress, whose corset which was meant to flatten Judy Garlands chest, only manages to enhance what little there is of hers...
Lina: *Fireballs him. * I heard that.... *Glares at the camera. *
Gourry: Oh mighty Wizard of OX!
Zelgadis: *Hisses to him, * OZ you moron! OZ!
Gourry: Oh! Yeah! Whatever.... We have brought the brassiere of the Wicked Witch of the West for you!
Amelia: *To Lina. * Tell me again why this guy wanted Naga's bra...
Lina: Because he's a dirty old pervert....
Wizard: *Having heard them...* It is the source of her great power. *The voice reverberates within the large crystal like room as the slayers wince at the loudness. * This will give us one of the highest ratings in anime shows also, because of it...
Gourry: And here you are! *He places the bra on a table before them. *
Wizard: Great! I needed a place to hang my watermelons!
Gourry: Everything worked out, just as you planned!
Lina: What the hell are you talking about?! She didn't turn into a handsome prince when we took that thing off her! She wasn't happy with us! And the evil bane of her laughter still rings through that damned valley of eternal chaos! And by the way she's right behind us so you better give us our shi- *Is thankfully cut off by Amelia. *
Amelia: Speaking of which, L-Sama who rules that valley, isn't exceptionally happy with us right now....
Zelgadis: *Crosses his arms. * It was a bloody mess to put it 'lightly'.
Lina: It wouldn't have been a 'bloody mess' if Gourry hadn't been staring at Naga's bo--
Gourry: Oh yeah.... She was a great cook though.
Lina: She didn't cook us anything! What are YOU talking about?!
Wizard: *Sweat drops. * Well anyway....
Amelia: Wait - a - minute! After hearing Naga's booming-
Zelgadis: And horrifying-
Amelia: -Laughter, I'm not afraid of YOU anymore! Why haven't you given us our stuff yet! *She crosses her arms as she glares at the purple fire before them. *
Lina: Yah! We have about five minutes before that bimbo with the quadruple E bra, catches up to us!
Zelgadis: *Mutters. * -Or lack there of.
Wizard: *Booms as the fire goes wild, * Shut up! I said come back tomorrow!!!
Amelia: No you didn't!
Gourry: Yeah! Even I remember that!
Lina: *Grumbles to herself and looks off to the side, scratching her head in frustration. * This is getting us no... *She sees a purple curtain off to the left, a pair of feet shuffling, and an occasional elbow bumping the curtain, and levers being pulled, coinciding with the noises being made in the throne room.* ... where..... What the hell.... *She begins walking to the curtain. * Hey guys!
Amelia: *She turns with the others as they also see this, * Hey what's that?!
Zelgadis: Hey who's that behind the curtain?!
Wizard: PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT MAZOKU BEHIND THE CURTAIN! I SAID-- SHIT!!!
Wizard: I AM THE GREAT AND MIGHTY---!!!! *Flames erupt as the explosion blasts the machine to pieces, canceling the purple flames, and catching the curtains (Or what little is left of them,) on fire, as the flames die down, they leave behind a cindered priest. * --Wizard of Oz..... *His voice dies away. *
Amelia: Oh! You evil man! How could you do this Mr. Xellos?!
Xellos: Oh! No, no! I'm not a bad man! I'm a good Mazoku!!! See?! *He places a halo of gold, from behind his back, on top of his head, where it hovers oh – so - briefly, before drooping down on the left side. *
Group: SWEAT DROPS
Saint Michael The Archangel: *Stalks in from behind Xellos, and grabs the halo, and at the same time, bashes Xellos in the head with it. * You Nama gomi fruitcake!!! Quit stealing my halo!!! *Puts it back over his own head. *
Michael: Ok! Now give 'em their stuff before the broad shows up!
Xellos: Ok Ok.... Swordsman! You think that just because you're not smart, that you don't have a brain! The smallest, pusillanimous creature that crawls on the earth has a brain! Why even high school to college students, have no brains! And look how far they go, lawyers and politicians... you get the picture?
Gourry: Huh? Uhh.....
Xellos: And you are a prime example.... Anyway! Back where I come from we have great seats of learning, where men go, and shell out, their entire family fortunes, to become really poor, but become great thinkers, although they are financially strapped for the rest of their lives. And so on and so forth, and they've got no more brains then you have.... Thank L-Sama I can lie with a straight face... But they've got one thing you haven't got! A diploma! *A rolled up piece of ancient parchment appears suddenly in his hand, which he then hands to Gourry. *
Gourry: Oh joy I've got a brain! *Puts his index finger to his head as if thinking, * The square root of an isosceles triangle, means that I should always vote for President Bush!
All in the Room: *Sweat drops. *
Gourry: *Opens it up upside down and tries to read it. * So uh... what's it say?
Lina: Shut up Gourry...
Xellos: And you my blue friend! You want to be human! But until you get used to the stings and jives of life, you will need that thick skin. *Ignores Zelgadis as he lets out a low growl. * Back where I come from I have friends who have stone golems whose epidermi are like yours! They are diamonds in the rough, just as you are! And their skins are just as rough as yours! *Starts going off to the right to a large covered cylindrical object. *
Zelgadis: Wait - a - minute, that's not my problem!
Xellos: *Yanks the sheet off of the silver tube. * But the one thing they have that you don't, is a man sized, lapidary kit! *Grabs Zelgadis and throws him in before anyone can react to this.*
Amelia: What's a 'Lapidary Kit'?
Gourry: *Pulls out glasses and a thick dictionary and begins reading, * Lapidary - An artificer who cuts, polishes, and engraves precious stones; hence, a dealer in precious stones. Or in this case, a kit that smoothes and polishes stones.
Linaand Amelia: O_O
Xellos: *Slams the door shut behind Zelgadis' flying body, and mutters to himself before he starts the machine, so that only Zelgadis can hear him. * Maybe I should have given Zelgadis that Claire Bible manuscript on restoring human flesh instead of giving it to Gourry... Oh well. *Shrugs as he then starts the machine. *
Zelgadis: *As the huge cylindrical machine starts whirling around with a deafening grinding noise, he lets out muffled screams. * Xellos you assh--!!!! *Cuts off as he sees briefly, Gourry, with a box of crayons, coloring, on the piece of parchment Xellos gave him. * Nooooo!!!!
Xellos: *Walks back to the stunned group, * As for you my fair young maiden, you claim that you are cowardly because you run from danger. And you think that wearing the outfit of a lioness will give you courage! You are confusing courage with wisdom!!!
Lina: Why don't I buy that....
Amelia: But YOU made me wear this skimpy outfit right before I left-
Xellos: Back where I come from, there are justice freaks galore just like you!
Amelia: On Wolf Pack Island???
Lina: For what? Kibbles N' Bits? o_O
Xellos: Not ALL the time… *Coughs, * and they have no more courage then you have! But what they do have is this lovely white outfit, trimmed with pink no less, for that feminine touch. *Produces the outfit Amelia wore for the entire series. * And a black mask, and silver bullet! Oh ... wait, I gotta return these.... *Places them back into sub-space.*
Amelia: *Takes the outfit. * But-- then why did you make me wear this skimpy, leotard, these leggings, heels, and cat ears the first time we came here? I mean it was embarrassing wearing it! And all those people trying to stuff gold pieces down my...
Xellos: Why, to lock in the sixteen to eighty – four year old age bracket of the male portion in our audience of course! You don't actually think we'd get their attention with that little chest that Li- *Stops before he finishes, seeing that Lina's aura is growing just a little too big for his taste.*
Lina: OK.... before I fry your ass, I suppose there's nothing in that black hole of yours for me.
Xellos: That's where you're wrong Lina! I have several Dow Corning, Slightly Leaky, Silicon, Breast Implants!!! *Brings forth two of them. *
*The room drops thirty degrees as the machine holding Zelgadis slows, stops, and spits out our shiny and smooth, new hero. Whose look could most gently be described as murderous as he wobbly stands to see Lina's red aura expand twenty feet.... *
Zelgadis: Oh Shi--
Lina: DRAGON SLAVE!!!!!!!
*Eerie music plays, think twilight zone as we move on to a starry black background, back to the crispified Rod Serling. *
Rod: *wheezes out* This was just ONE of the many frightening, *coughs* and possible universes within the shadows of, 'The Otaku Zone'.... Next week, Ryoko blind dates Happosai... Ungh.... *Passes out. *
Xellos: *Appears next to Rod's passed out body and looks up to the camera. * I bet you guys were thinking that a topless Naga was gonna burst in through those doors at any moment, weren't you? Sorry folks! This is a 1960's show! The Twilight Zone that is So we can't do that! We now return to your regular scheduled program... Ciao!