I lay on my side in bed, staring at the wall. Far too dehydrated for any more tears to fall, I bathe in the misery which words and gestures fail to express.
I can't say it. I can't even say it because then it would be true. I can't say that they're gone. Dead. Killed. Forever? I can't say it. His name. Her name. The memories sting. They didn't deserve this at all. If anyone deserved to die, surely it was me, not them. No. They were so good. Their hearts were so good. Too good. So good they had to put me first, before themselves. And now they were gone... forever. Dead. Killed. Alice. Edward.
Chapter The First
I woke with a start. There was someone in my room. I could feel them there. And I knew who it had to be, because it was warm outside and the breeze that blew from my window felt chilly as it passed the tall, icey figure. I sat up, staring at him wordlessly as he stood there, his look tearing my soul into even more tiny pieces. As my eyes adjusted to the moonlight coming through my window, I noticed his soft blonde hair and his angel eyes. Golden.
I said nothing, waiting for him to speak. I knew what he was feeling. He felt exactly like I did. His love was lost forever. He could stand there as long as he liked.
"Bella," he whispered, his chest moved up and down rapidly as he crossed his arms, clenching one hand across his mouth, the other on the opposite arm. His eyes were glistening with moisture. He let out a sob. He turned his head towards the window, eyes towards the heavens. And then something fell down. I think it was my heart. Yeah. It was definitely my heart. It fell into my stomach, hitting he bottom with a thud that shook my body, and caused Jasper to shudder. Right then I really wished he couldn't feel my feelings. It would only made him more miserable than he already was.
"You shouldn't feel guilty for your feelings, Bella," he whisper carefully, "you are just as, if not more, entitled to them, as I." I hadn't even realized I felt guilty, but then I knew that I did. Jasper knew what every feeling was, even in turmoil. I couldn't even identify guilt amongst whatever else I was feeling. At this point I really didn't want to know what I was feeling, or care for that matter. Nothing mattered except for the lives of two wonderful people who deserved to live, that were dead. Nothing could be done. It was pointless to have these feelings. It would do nothing for them. I was selfish, so selfish, for having these feelings.
"Bella, stop," Jasper hushed. He was across the room in an instant, sitting next to me up against the headboard. He put his arm around me, pulling me against him softly. "Bella, do I have your permission to manipulate your feelings?" He sobbed a little as he said it. The fact that he asked me for once, if I minded his changing my feelings, made we want to cry. He was holding me in the utmost consideration that such a situation could offer. I didn't deserve it. But would it be a disrespect to Edward, and to Alice, to allow him to take my pain away?
"You have got to stop feeling guilty about everything. I know that you know that the world doesn't revolve around you, Bella. Nothing like this could be your fault, Edward and Alice wouldn't want you to feel all this", he was right. I started shaking. I was sobbing without tears, just like a vampire. And then he began whispering, "Oh, I'm sorry, Bella! I'm so, so sorry." His other arm wrapped around me, and he didn't realize that his own strength had pulled me into his lap. I didn't care. I buried my face somewhere around his neck and his shoulder, circling my arms around him and holding tight. I could feel his stone body against my chest, and I knew that right then I wasn't in any danger of the hole returning. I felt hands hands rubbing up and down my back, soothing.
"You're right, Jasper," I whispered to him, "make it go away." I felt his body breathe out relief. I suppose that my grief was causing him more, even if he didn't care about his own. Here he was, offering to take away my pain, when he couldn't take away his own. He was selfless and I definitely didn't deserve him.
"Sssshhh," I knew that he had just felt me feeling undeserving again, and that is why he hushed me. Enough was enough. I then felt his fingertips on my forehead, my eyes closed, and as he stole from the deepest depth that was in me, feelings I didn't know existed, but that I felt, nonetheless, in a big mix of confusing misery, drained from my body as his fingers grazed down the side of my face, through my hair, to my neck, over my shoulder, down my arm, and stopping, holding tightly. He was working his magic in ways unknown to me. Jasper had tampered with my feelings before, but never like this. This was impossible. Rejuvenating. I felt nothing but relaxed and sleepy, and though I knew it was wrong, but that it was not Jasper's fault, incredibly turned on. My physical body was roaring to life with chemicals that sent chills up my spine at the touch of his hand. It felt like every nerve in my body was stimulated, yearning for one more touch. His touch. I wondered if he could know this from some emotion that be was blocking. I would have been embarrassed had he allowed me to be, instead I was suddenly extremely aware of my position on his lap. It felt really good, too good. Suddenly his hand was on my hip, his palm firmly rubbing up and down, and I noticed that his breathing had increased as well, his eyes tightly shut. I could feel myself heating up, and I couldn't help myself. My breathing increased as I closed my eyes and I ground myself into him while my back arched and I clung against his perfect body. His body instantly tensed, and I heard a groan ecsape him as his hips bucked up into me, his hands both falling and clinging to my hips.
"Oh, God, Bella, you're so warm," he said, pained. His lips found my forehead and pressed there, making me feel that now, I truly was alive again. As he kissed, he moved his head in side-to-side motions, heaghtening, and prolonging, every feeling. His lips were so smooth and dry, so comforting. While one of his hands stayed clung to my hip, the other found it's way up my back and held close to my neck from behind. I could feel his new firm solidity beneath me, even vampires couldn't stop the cause of such physical reactions, and it made me even warmer. My back wouldn't stop arching, my body writhing against him again, as he thrust his hips upward. This time I felt his erection more. I could now tell that Jasper was in pain, his pants, and my position on his lap, though the cause of it, were restricting him, to pain. It was then that I noticed he was almost sobbing. He had taken away my pain, but there was nothing to be done about his. But I would do something about it. I would do anything in my power to make him forget, to make him feel good again.
"Jasper, love," I sighed, bringing my hand to his face as his lips crashed into mine. His lips were so perfect on mine, and they stayed there for so long, applying the perfect ammount of pressure and suction, almost bruising, yet somehow gentle and dry, it felt as if his soul had come into me through our lips, and his was entangling with mine. I wanted mine to do that to him. I quickly moved so that I was straddling his body while his hands found my thighs and seized. I ground myself into him again, eliciting a gasp from his lips as he bucked into me, still hesitant. I put my lips against his jawbone, and made an attempt to give him everything that I was feeling, "Block out the rest, love, just for now."
"Oh, Bella... " he groaned, and then, grazing his lips against my ear and sending shivers through me, "I want to." There was something about the urgency in his whisper that took me away. I knew he meant two things when he said it, just as I had meant for him to. "But it's so wrong, it would be so wrong of me to take that from you, to do this when..."
"Sssshhhh... Jasper," I put my lips on his ear, saying softly, "it feelsright, Jazz, it feelsso good, I know you're in pain, too. Please take me, take me now!" I trembled on my last word as he thrust his hips up against me. He pulled my head back gently and then kissed me hard and long. My body was overheating and his cool lips felt like a breathe of fresh air after suffocating. His hands slid up my thighs, going under my nightgown, and continued, until the nightgown was over my lifted arms, my hair falling everywhere. I looked into his beautiful eyes and I wanted to consume him. Our mouths didn't seem to want to separate after that.
And then I was on my back. He was above me, our lips entangled, his tongue grazing the roof of my mouth, creating a sensation I had never felt before. It felt so good I had to do it back to him, and as I did, I began lifting his shirt from his body, and it was gone. Meeting lips again, I undid the clasps of his pants, and pulled them down. I instantly felt his bulge through his boxers against my center. I pulsed, I ached, to have him inside me, moving and thrusting and swelling and bursting. Just like the rest of my body, my fingertips pulsed to the beat of my heart, to the writhing of my pleading motions, aching to cling to his body. I could feel it in my toes, my legs, I needed to cling to him with my legs while he was inside me. I couldn't take it anymore.
Jasper was moaning, and a constant thrusting, writhing motion that was perfectly in sync to mine had overtaken his body as well. I wrenched down his boxers, and finished removing them and his pants with my feet. And then, clinging to him, his erection hard against my abdomen, I started biting his lower lip just a little. This caused his whole body to clench, and if it was possible, I felt his erection get even bigger as he moaned my name inaudibly.
"Jasper, I need you in me now!" I groaned impatiently. He backed up slightly, carefully taking hold of my hips, and thrust into me. It felt so good I couldn't stop myself from screaming his name. It was a good thing Charlie wasn't home this weekend. He held still for a moment, letting me adjust to his size.
"Ooooohhhhhh!!", I screamed as he thrust into me a second time. His mouth was now sucking on the most sensitive spot on my neck. He thrust into me again, causing me to arch and throw my head back, gasping.
As he thrust into me again and again and again, bulging, pulsing, swelling, pounding, bursting. I let my legs locked around him, clinging to him just as I'd imagined doing while he was thrusting in and out of me. My hands moved all over him, clinging to his back from all different angles possible, changing constantly, never feeling completely satisifed, when he took one of my hands, lifting my wrist to his mouth, kissing and sucking on it tenderly as he thrust a little bit softer than before. When he was finished with that wrist, he pinned it above my head with his hand, and took my other hand with his, repeating the same act with another soft, but strong thrust. It felt like he was directly touching the source of my desire for him, as if my wrists had become direct passageways to my heart, and ecstasy. Now, with both hands pinned above me, he thrust in harder, then again, harder, and faster, and harder, breathing heavily above me and causing the bed to rock back and forth, hitting the wall and hitting the air, over and over, until I felt as if I could take no more, and he slowed down again, setting free my hands and taking hold of my hips, letting his mouth suck on every inch of skin it could find as he slowly and gradually began a torturous pace inside me, pulling out slightly then going in slightly but not all the way, over and over until he was almost out, and then going in by thrusting in partway, then pulling back slightly, again and again until he had filled me to the brim. He continued these motions for a while, going faster and faster, while he consumed my breasts with his mouth, flicking his tongue and applying heavier suction in sync with every thrust. I was shaking with ecstasy, getting so close to that edge.
He then covered my mouth with his as he slowed his pace again, pulling out and thrusting into me strait and hard, with a force that caused me to moan into his mouth. He did it again, and again, and again. Sliding in and out faster each time, thrusting and pumping and pounding. My body worked with him, my walls tightening and sqeezing and milking him. It felt better than anything else in the world. My body started shaking more and more, uncontrollable and beyond all reason or sense. My legs and hands let go of my grasp on him, my body confused and at a loss of what to do with such intense pleasure, and then grasped and clung to him even harder than before as I felt my walls tighten, the pleasure increase, and Jasper's palm was suddenly against my clit, pressing and moving. I felt the release like a miracle had come and washed away every pain or stress. Like a damn had burst, and released all pressure. Jasper screamed, throwing his head back, eyes tightly shut, he shook uncontrollably, as well, pushing into me as far as he could go, and holding there. I could feel his dick pulsing and bursting, his come shooting up into me, his hot, warm, come tickling a spot in me that caused me to contract all over again, my walls tightening around him and milking him until there was nothing left. His after-wave thrusts began, small though they were, they moved him not in and out, but around, the after-shock running through my body as well, I joined him and met him thrust for thrust. Slowly, we stopped moving, only my walls still contracting and expanding with my heartbeat and heavy breathing. He didn't pull out of me.
"Ooohhh, Bella...", he whispered gently against my skin, still out of breath, almost as much as me. I kissed his forehead. "You're so warm, love." His palms traced paths up and down my thighs, hips, and sides. I didn't want him to be out of me ever again. I wanted to lay like this forever. His lips kissed the skin on my chest, my fingers entangled in his hair, and he found his way to my mouth. His lips tasted better than ever. Felt better than ever. He brought his lips to my ears and softly whispered, "Bella, I love you."
Author's Note: Hello everyone, I'm going to post this as complete, and I know that while it would work fine as a oneshot, especially considering what happens in the story, I am probably going to add to it and maybe make a "real" story out of it, in which the reader will: a.find out what happened to Edward and Alice, b.find out what happens with Jasper and Bella after this horribly out of character behavior, and c.find out what the basic context of the story is, whilst seeing a new version of what drama/adventure is to take place next. Read on, readers!