I don't own Full Metal Alchemist.

Hello there everyone. I am Edward Elric and I am here to talk to you.

No. To talk would be an understatement. And a stretch.

I'm here to rant, yes, rant. So here it goes.

Point Number One: I am not a girl. I don't really look like a girl, I have manly features that we won't get into right now, but I am most definitely male. So this brings me to my point; stop dressing me like a girl in fan art! I am a guy! I do not carry around flower arrangements! I don't wear skirts! And the cape is a manly feature for Heaven's sake, if I thought there was one! So quit making me into a hermaphrodite!

Point Number Two: Pairings. I fainted for three hours when I found out about these things and Al had to calm me down with a spoon...it's a long story for another time. Regardless. You people must get some sick kick out of pairing me with random people or people I hate. I can take Winry, Armony annoyed the hell outta me, but this was ridiculous.

Me and Alphonese, Me and Envy, Me and Lust, and...Me and Colonel MUSTANG.

You have got to be kidding me. Yuck. Seriously. Damn you went to far.

On the first pairing: Al is my BROTHER. I want to clarify this. My BROTHER. How in the hell are we making out with each other! So just quit it, NOW.

On the second pairing: Envy! Excuse me! If you don't know this is the guy that attempted and succeeded in killing me. Okay? He killed me. Why in the hell would I want to kiss gymnastics boy over there! Why! Just why!

On the third pairing: Lust! Doesn't her NAME suggest what she'd do with me! NO!

The last pairing: What in the name of 'F' were you people thinking! Just what! Me and Colonel Sarcasm! This has got to be just some sick joke! I will never, ever come close to hugging that man, and will never do anything like that with him, whatsoever (yuck).

And finally, the last topic.

(Cringe.) I know I'm a little off average height. So quit calling me it. And actually I'm pretty tall. So shut the hell up.

You call me...'short'...

You won't want to know what happens. This is why Al is in the suit he's in. Well, I'm done. So I'm off to go eat some pudding and get Winry to fix part of my arm. Again. (Begins to walk away...)

Some random guy: "Oi, look at little shorty over there!"

I'll just ignore it..

"Hah, he's so small!"

Don't...

"Like a grain of sand!"

THAT"S IT!

"Who are you calling so short you can't see him! Don't call me short!" (Runs after man) "I'll rip both your arms and stick them on your head...!"

"AAAHHH!"

And that was a rant by Edward Elric.

Author's note: Made this very quickly (and out of boredom) so don't be too picky. The last threat Edward makes came from the show so it's theirs.

I am also not insulting anyone's fan art or pairing taste. You pair what you like and you draw what you wish. I was doing this from Edward's point of view.

The End. (Thank you for reading.)