Chapter Two - Windy

Conker wakes up in Windy. He sees a sign in front of him.

Conker - "Nasty or nice?"

Then Conker hears a conversation between Ms. Bee and 3 wasps.

Ms. Bee (while sobbing)- "Oh that nasty husband of mine left me...oh whatever shall I do?"

Conker's thought - Oh really? I'm not surprised

Wasp 1 - "Just forget about him dear, he's a useless nobody, you can find another husband..."

Wasp 2 - "Yeah, he's right, there's a new bee in town, I think you'll like him."

Ms. Bee - "No, my Bob is irreplacable."

Mr. Bee approaches Ms. Bee with the sunflower by his side.

Ms. Bee - "How dear you show your face around here you monster!"

Mr. Bee - "You think I was coming back for you toots? I came back to get my underwear and condoms."

Ms. Bee throws a box lablled "Ralph Laurens and Socks" into the river.

Ms. Bee (Still crying)- "There's your stupid underwear and your damn condoms."

Mr. Bee - "Hey! What'd you do that for?!"

The 3 wasps, Mr. Bee, Ms. Bee and Sunflower gets into a fight. Conker walks to them.

Conker - "Hold it people!"

All - "We don' have any money, PISS OFF!"

Conker - "What? why would I need money? Anyways, I know one intellectual who can solve all your problems..."

Crowd - "JERRY! JERRY!"

Jerry - "Ok folks, have we got a show for you today, our topic is "My husband left me for a sunflower", and on stage we have Ms. Bee. And for those of you who just tuned in, we already talked with Panther King and Ze professor about their problem, but now we're having another Sunflower problem. Now Ms. Bee, can you explain to us what happened?"

Ms. Bee - "My good-for-nothing husband left me for that bitch sunflower."

Jerry - "I see, well let's bring out Mr. Bee and the Sunflower."

Crowd - "Boooooo!"

Mr. Bee and Sunflower walk out.

Mr. Bee and Sunflower - "What? What'd we do wrong? Piss off!"

Jerry - "Ok now, settle down. Mr. Bee, do you have anything say for yourself?"

Mr. Bee - "Yeah Jerry, I got something to say, *beep* you all, you mother*beep* and *beep* me if you don't think I can *beep* a sunflower."

Jerry - "Ok, now Sunflower, how do you feel for Ms. Bee"

Sunflower - "Well, Bobby here made a good choice leaving that skanky *beep*."

Ms. Bee leaps at sunflower and they both start biting each other, Ms. Bee tackles Sunflower down. Bodyguards pull Ms. Bee away from tearing out all of Sunflower's petals.

Crowd - "JERRY! JERRY!"

Jerry - "Ok, now let's hear from the audience."

Audience Member - "Yeah, I got something to say to that man-slut over there, if you don't know how to treat women, you might as well *beep* men you *beep* jerk.

Mr. Bee - "*Beep* you, I know you want me *beep*, jealous of a sunflower?"

Mr. Bee give Sunflower a kiss. Audience member gives finger to Mr. Bee and sits back down and looks away in disgust. Panther King and ze professor roll their eyes.

Panther King - "Hey Bee-boy, you wouldn't know women if one came up to you and bit your *beep*"

Mr. Bee - "*Beep* you cat-boy, go shove that professor and his teddy bears up your *beep*."

Panther King runs to Mr. Bee and snatches his crown.

Panther King - "HA! I have your crown, whatcha gonna do now sissy?"

Mr. Bee starts chasing Panther King, the professor presses a button on his remote control and tediz's come and take's down Mr. Bee. Audience comes and helps out either the Tediz or Mr. Bee.

Among the fight - "*Beep* you *Beep**Beep**Beep**Beep*, not my leg!!!*Beep**Beep**Beep*you *Beep* pervert, *Beep**Beep**Beep**Beep**Beep*now*Beep**Beep*sh-*Beep*f-*Beep*"

Bodyguards finally break the fight, seperating the Panther King and Mr. Bee.

Mr. Bee - "I'm ok boys, I'm can let me go..."

Bodyguards let go of Mr. Bee.

Mr. Bee - "You *Beep*-ing as-*Beep*-le."

Mr. Bee charges at Panther King and the fight continues. Again they are seperated.

Panther King - "You were born in your mother's *Beep* you *Beep* a-*Beep*

Jerry - "Ok Bee, settle down now, we don't want to call the cops."

Jerry (To the bodyguard quietly) - "Get the *Beep* out of here"

Mr. Bee - "I'll show you who's a *Beep*"

Fight continues, Mr. Bee knocks out Jerry and Jerry grabs on Mr. Bee's leg and bites it.

Mr. Bee - "Ow! The *Beep* is biting me! The *Beep* is biting me!"

Panther King - "You were born in you mother's *Beep* you *beep*! The world is mine! The world is mine you *Beep*-ing a-*Beep*!"


Meanwhile, back at Windy's...Franky and co. are watching T.V in the barn.

Paint Pot - "Ha! Did you see that *Beep* bite Mr. Bee! That was gold!"

Paint Brush - "Yeah, that *Beep*-ing *Beep* bit Mr. Bee"

Paint Pot - "Do you always have to copy what I say? Hey Franky, look, there's a little fella over there comin' through the door. I think it's your turn to kick his ass"

Paint Brush - "Yeah Franky, go on over there and kick his ass"

Franky - "I ain't kickin'! It's always my turn to kick their asses."

Pot - "Franky, just go over there and kick his ass for f*cking sake."

Brush - "Yeah, go kick his ass, I'm a paint brush, I'....I don't kick ass."

Pot - "I'm a pot, I'm a fuckin' pot for gods sake, go and kick his ass."

Franky - "I..I...oh, ok I'll kick his ass...but I'm not going over there he can come over here."

Conker walks over to them.


Conker - "Well, I never. It's a talking pitchfork."

Franky - "Not from around here, are ya boy?"

Conker - "No. I'm from the twenty-first century."

Franky - "I don't rightly recollect liking your type..."

Franky starts chasing Conker around the barn.

Conker - "HOLD UP!"

Everything freezes, except Conker.

Conker - "PatrickSim? You there?"
*Taps glass*

Conker - "Right, Hi, well, you named this Fic 'Conker's Good fur day', thus, Pitch-boy here shouldn't be chasing me..."

Everything rewinds.

Franky - "I reckon I like your type...would you care to join our brunch? It's a mix of breakfast and lunch, I don't see the difference but there's a cantoloupe at the end..."

Conker - "Uh, no thanks, I just wanna get home."

Pot - "But you have to stayyyyyyyyyy........"

Brush - "It's blisssssssssssss.........."

Conker (afraid) - "Uh....ok, whatever you guys want..."

-A while later-

Franky - "Would you like some more tea little fella?"

Just then, Giant Hay jumps down.

Giant Hay - "So, my nemisis is defeated...time to wander around, aimlessly..."

Franky - "Hey, it's Mr. Big Hay, let's invite him over! Hey Mr. Big Hay, wanna join out tea party?"

Mr. Big Hay - "Ok"

Mr. Big Hay skips and hops to the table like a little girl, he takes a sip of tea and half of him melts off.....exposing his robotic eye.

"Buff you, asshole!"

Mr. Big Hay starts jumping up and down and the ground breaks...Camera shows Mr. Big Hay crying like a little baby.

Franky - "It's ok big fella, here stop yer squirming and we'll fix you right up!"

Mr. Big Hay gets fixed up by taping some hay back to him.

Mr. Big Hay - "However can I thank you?"

Brush and Pot in unison - "HOT SEX! Franky, get the camera!"

Pot - "Mastreo!"

Porn music plays....

Conker - " I don't think I like the sound of that music..."

Franky - "I don't think I like the sound of that music either."

Franky sets up the camera.

Conker climbs up the ladder and takes one look back....Pot is giving it to haybot doggy-style and Brush is just....brushing away...Franky vomits.


Conker finds himself in a grassy area with a lake beside it...and several catfish occupying the lake.

Mrs. Catfish - "Yoohoo! Squirrel person. Are you begging for food, meow?"

Conker - "Wha?"

Mrs. Catfish - "Well, there's this awful awful brute swimming around. He's terrible, and he's stolen our valuable belongings. We need somebody disposable to go in and, well, get rid of him. Meow."

Conker - "What the hell are you talking about being disposable? And if I help you, what's in it for me?"

Mrs. Catfish - "Word has it that a little red squirrel is new in town and is trying to find his way home, I can tell you where to go...Meow."

Conker starts swimming and makes it to the room with Carl and Qeuntin.

Carl - "Well hello there, aren't you the handsome one?"

Carl spins around and Qeuntin appears.

Quentin - "Fuck off!"

Conker - "What the hell? A cog that is a transversite? Why I never..."

Quentin - "Bring me back me cogs or fuck off!"

Carl - "I'm terribly sorry, he's always like seems lost some of his mates, would you be kind enough as to go fetch them for both our sakes?"

Quentin - "Fuck off, give me a blow job or fuck off!"

With that being said, Conker took off Carl/Quentin and put him on Mr. Big Cog.

Carl - "Oh yes baby!"

Quentin - "NOOO! Not Mr. Big cog!!! That's me buggered"

Carl - "I don't see what his problem is, I find this rather delicious!"

With that, Mr. Big Cog started spinning cause of his hormones, pulling back the Dogfish.

Mrs. Catfish - "Ladies! Ladies! Meeow. It's that squirrel person again.How are you? I see our brutish friend didn't get his vittles today."

Conker - "Yeah, well, time enough for that. Uh, I need the combination thanks."

Mrs. Catfish: "Oh no no, no you don't seem to understand, yes, you don'tunderstand us. We can't go about giving classified information like that just to anybody. Meooow. We will open safe, won't we ladies? Hmm. Lead the way, hmm!"

The safe opens up and Conker walks in.

Conker - "Hello? Money, where are you?"

Money - "Oh Conker!!! You've come to save me from those lesbian fish! Thank you!!!"
(I know it ain't this easy, but it is a good fur day...)

Money jumps up to Conker but falls into a hold in the middle of the vault. Conker jumps in also. Down there are 2 imps playing pokemon. (Wtf is this?)

Imp 1 - "Ha, I beat you, I beat you!"

Imp 2 - "Hey look at this, there's a pokemon right there!" *Points to Conker*

Imp 1 - "Let's go catch him and fuck him! Just like Ash, Misty, Borck, and the others do with their pokemon!!"

Imp 2 - "Uh, yeah, let's fuck him!"

Imp 1 - "Wait, what do I do with the card?"

Imp 2 - "Shove it up your ass!"

Imp 1 - "But I like this one!"

Imp 2 grabs the card and shoves it up his ass. They both hop into the Boiler.

Imp 1 - "Pokeball, go!"

Boiler throws pokeball at Conker and knocks him out.

Conker wakes up later in his room with arms around him.

Conker - "Oh Berri, I had this nightmare where I thought I was in this weird place with perverted paint brushes an-"

Voice - "Who are you calling perverted?"

Conker wakes up yet again and finds himself outside the vault. It seems the Money knocked him out when he jumped to him.

Mrs. Catfish - "Ladies, he finally woke up! Now Mr. Squirrel, time for your prize, $1! Meow"

Conker - "$1?! What the hell?"

Mrs. Catfish - "Yeah, %10 of $10 is $1."

Conker - "How about this, I keep everything you bucth lesbians?"

The chain holding the Dogfish snaps and eats all the Catfish. (Ok, it's a really good fur day).

Conker - "Thanks doggy."

Dogfish growls at Conker. Nervously, Conker goes in the water to swim back out. The dogfish chases Conker all the way to the shoreline, just about as Dogfish takes a bite out of Conker, Nemesis appears and shoots a rocket at Dogfish and it blows up.


Conker - "Uh...thanks Nemesis...."

Nemesis gives Conker a thumbs up and smiles...then walks away. Conker leaves the area into Pooland...he finds a hill and starts climbing...eventually he comes across a dung beetle.

Dung Beetle - "Who the fuck are you?"

Conker - "Me? Who the fuck are you?

"I'm a dung beetle, I roll shit around. *Beep* knows what for.

"Well I'm Conker and I'm trying to find my way home. Can you help out?"

"Huh? Ok, go in this mountain and ask the lads in there, they travel more than I do."

"How do I get in?"

"Oh, sorry, I'll get out of the way"

Dung Beetle moves out of the way revealing a passage. Conker goes in and bumps into another dung beetle

Conker - "Hey, watch where your going bud."

Dung Beetle - "Eh. Alright there. Take my advice and get outta here. There's summtin really bad in there. You just don't wanna go in there."

"Calm down. Now, just calm down and tell me what's the matter."

"Right. Ok. It all started about two days ago..."

"It was me and the lads, we were gonna have this massive orgy. Bazza went to get the toys and I went to get the milk. We came back and Tezza was gone! Bazza was next.

He was just walking along minding his own business when a giant hand grabbed him and pulled him under.

And I thought to myself "Oh no. Oh oh I'm getting out of this!" And when I came out, cause I thought it was all clear, the lads were gone. The bastards had nailed me in. I'm outta here. You can do what you like. There's some money up there if you can be arsed to get it. Seeyas."

The dung beetle leaves and Conker walks the path, and see some swet corn.

Conker - "Sweet corn eh? How you guys doin'?"

Deep Voice - "Bring me sweet corn!"

"Who's that? Can't see anyone....hmmmm....ok....if that's what he wants."

To Be Continued....

A/N - I know I skipped a lot of stuff but didn't see anything else to add with the bats and their radar, or the cogs, or the other stuff....well, anyways....hope you liked this chapter. Oh and btw, if anyone feels disrespected by me writing something about a gay character, I don't mean it, I respect the whole lot of ya's, ok? And I don't think anyone here cares if I dis pokemon again...right? right guys?!? But seriously, if you want me to stop talking about something, just tell me and I'll stop...R&R Please...pretty please with a cherry on top?