Did you know what I really wanted to say?

Of course not. I wouldn't let you.

I couldn't let you.

If we hadn't been in the cage of the cursed seals, you were the only one I would've cared to know back home. Sakon and Ukon really WERE twice the bastard. Kidoumaru really WAS a cocky pervert. I really wanted to become the foul-mouthed bitch I pretended to be.

You were always so out of place with the rest of us. You had a family. You had friends. You fought for them. Sakon and Ukon barely acknowledged each other. Kidoumaru played to win, for himself. I fought because I had nothing left to lose.

Back home...I have no home. Not anymore. I left Bird Country, believing I had already lost home anyway. All I had was Otogakure, as long as I had some purpose to Orochimaru. I didn't care then. I wanted revenge against those who cost me everything else. I needed it. Orochimaru helped me achieve it. My flute never had that kind of power. Only the power that music can have, a sentimental weakness that means nothing to this world.

This world that saw my brother murdered for nothing more than our family name. This world that saw my mother's spirit broken, leaving her a ghost in the past, mindlessly waiting for the return of a husband and son who would never come back. She made a million excuses where they were, and how they would be arriving soon. I was not part of that happy past. She never knew who I was again.

But I didn't want anything else.

I couldn't want anything else.

My freedom seemed a cheap price to pay.

You knew I was the one full of shit.

How did you know?

Your hands, you said that once. They're much kinder than your mouth.

I called you a filthy fat shit and stalked to my room. I made sure it was locked, because I couldn't shut you out any other way.

I was shaking.

You wanted to understand.

I wouldn't let you.

I couldn't let you.

I didn't want to understand, myself.

Strange how even with nothing, there is still some want to continue living, even without the curse seal that compelled me to continue being useful. Some need that I wanted to believe made no sense.

To find something else worth living for?


I would only lose that, too.

But now, I have no purpose to Orochimaru anymore.

No more family.

No more friends.

No more you.

I knew you were gone the moment I saw that Leaf fake. His eyes were blank when they met mine. Yours always had that want to understand, with that warmth I didn't want to understand, even though all I ever gave you back was another kick in the teeth.

I wanted to kill him.

I wanted to cry.

I wanted to go back.

Instead, I told myself I was being an idiot again and went forward. You were the idiot. I was right all along, you lost everything too.

I knew I was the one full of shit.

Did you know what I really wanted to say?

I hope. I hope so much it hurts. I tried to push everything I might have still given a damn about away, so I never lost anything else.

Now I see I'm such an idiot again, one last time.

Funny how much can go through your mind before the blow that takes your final breath away. But that moment is over.

Such an idiot again.

Will you be where I'm going?

Please be there.

I want to tell you everything I really meant to say.