Author: Cindy Ryan
Spoilers: Heavy for Mystery Spot
Category: Angst, Tissue warning!
Timeline: Set during the three months after/in the first Wed.
Summary : Digging through the Impala's glove compartment Sam discovers something.
After his brother's senseless murder, Sam retreated to the only safe sanctuary he had left. However, after spending nearly two weeks at Bobby's, the grief had nearly overwhelmed him.
On the start of his third week without Dean, Sam found himself sitting in the Impala. For days he hadn't even been able to look at the car. It was home…..it was Dean…..all rolled into one.
The engine was off, so was the radio. Any classic rock tunes would've been too much for Sam to endure.
Out of the corner of his eye Sam saw a piece of paper sticking out of the side of the glove compartment. Absently Sam reached over and opened it. It was Sam's intention to just shuffle things around enough so he could shut it without anything else sticking out. But as he began shuffling items around Sam saw his name scrawled on a white envelope. Sam swallowed hard seeing his brother's familiar handwriting. He gingerly pulled the envelope out of the crack it'd been stuck in and shut the glove compartment.
Sam rested the envelope against the steering wheel. For over ten minutes he simply stared at it. Part of Sam didn't have the courage to open it. Finally curiosity won and Sam picked the envelope up and opened it.
Inside were three sheets of neatly folded notebook paper.
Sam smoothed open the papers and saw it was a letter. It was dated a month ago. Sam blinked away fresh tears as he began to read.
Not sure if you'll ever find this. I'm not even sure why I'm writing it. But it's three in the morning and I can't sleep.
Haven't been sleeping much lately.
I know I've told you this……but I don't want to die. Had an interesting conversation with Ruby the other night…..she basically told me there's no savin' me from the pit. Confirming what I already knew….but I guess it was hard to hear.
I warn you now, Sammy, this letter won't make much sense. I'm already rambling. You know I've never been good at expressing feelings. Another lesson from Dad.
I've been thinkin' about him a lot lately. Wondering if he'd hit me or hug me for the deal I made in Cold Oak. I honestly don't know what'd he'd think, Sammy. Though he did always tell us to keep the family together.
But listening to demons. Playin' the game their way, if only for a little bit I think he would've disapproved of that. On the other hand we've always bent the rules when we're backed into a corner.
I don't regret the deal, Sammy, I don't. No matter what happens I don't want you to regret being the one still standing. You're the best of the Winchesters.
I've always been proud of you. I know when you left for Stanford it didn't seem like it. I was jealous of you being able to break free. Not that I didn't enjoy the family business it was that I was never givin' the choice. You had an opportunity and you took it and ran.'
Sam winced and looked away from the letter as the harsh memories of those days came flooding back. So many angry words. So much wasted time.
After several minutes Sam returned his attention to the letter.
'Maybe the whole thing with Lisa and Ben is the reason for this letter. This isn't technically a will since I have nothing to give but the car and you know she's yours.
Lisa made me realize how little I have to leave behind. Not somethin' I ever really thought about……livin' in the moment.
I kinda wish now that I did. Would've been nice to leave you a piece of property for you and your family to build a home on.
Keep tabs on Lisa and Ben for me would ya? I know I have no claim on them….but can't hurt to have an adoptive Uncle popping in from time to time.
I love you, little brother. I know I don't say that often enough. You've become a good man and I'm proud of you.
I know you sacrificed a lot to come back to the family business. If the family business dies with me…..I'm alright with that Sammy. Do what makes you happy. That's all that's ever mattered.
Well, I cant' take much more of these infomercials…..want a combination toaster oven/popcorn maker? I'm going to try to get some sleep before the sun comes up.
The words of the letter blurred as the tears came full force. The letter fell from Sam's hands as he rested his right arm and head against the steering wheel.
As the sobs eased Sam leaned back in the seat. He gently picked up the letter and carefully put it back in the envelope.
God, Sam missed him. More than he ever thought he would. Sam thought since Cold Oak that he'd been preparing himself.
He'd been wrong….so wrong.
Every breath without his brother was painful…..every heart beat.
Sam wiped a hand over his eyes to get rid of any remaining tears. He slipped the letter into the inside pocket of his jacket and opened the car door and got out.
Sam stood for a moment and looked back at the Impala.
/I promise you, Dean. I'll make this right…..no matter what it takes. I'll make this right./
Sam turned and headed back into Bobby's house. It was time to pack and hit the road.