First Torchwood fic, I don not own anything, it is all BBC...

Spoilers: up to Dead Man Walking, so beware...I am still shocked by the last 2 episodes of Torchwood, so I felt the need to write but honestly don´t know for sure where I am trying to go...still, R&R usually get to get inspiration and guidance. English in not my first language, so sorry about that...hope it is not to annoying...dialogues are marked with: "-", someone mentioned in other fic that was confusing so I thought it was better to explain it...hope you like it.

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How can you go on living like nothing much had happened? How can you do that when he has died? He had always been her secret love, not so secret anymore, but still. Seeing him die in front of Pharm had been one of the worst moments of her life. She had cried in the SUV all the way back to Torchwood. The rest were silent, shocked, confused and in pain but she had cried, silently of course, all the time. His body lying on the back of the SUV, like a broken doll.

That is what he said last week, that he was broken, and she could see his suffering. She had loved him since the very beginning, notwithstanding the times he was a bastard and the times he ignored her or the various times he was shagging someone else. He was a brilliant man and a heroe, and he shouldn´t be dead.

Tosh could not help to feel happy that he was still around, although she knew that she was being selfish, because he was not happy, he was suffering all the time, confused and, well, dead.

Being brought back to life sounds good but turns out it isn´t such a party.

She knocked on the door again, he heart beating like mad. What if the energy had finally dissipated? What if he had found a way to stop being here? What...?

- What the hell do you want now, Tosh? –His voice shook her from her pessimistic thoughts.

- Mmm...Just checking to see how you were doing, Owen –He voice low and shy. He was just wearing a pair of boxer shorts and she had no idea where to look, so she concentrate on the door. Owen found it mildly annoying.

- Wait, I´ll go get my pants before you start having a real nice conversation with the door.

Tosh entered into the flat. It had never been too clean, but the main areas usually were decent, ready in case he decided to bring some female company in. But now it was a complete mess, and a disgusting odor came from the kitchen area. She imagined it was rotten food. He couldn´t eat anymore so food was not an interesting thing for him, but letting it rot in his flat was a different thing, a bad sign, something she didn´t like.

-Owen! –She called opening the fridge and then closing it fast- Why don´t you throw all this stuff away? I can help you if you want...

- Leave it there –His voice angry, a bit ashamed but mostly angry- I can take of myself, mommy.

-Owen –She tried to walk near him but he moved- I am just trying to help.

- Why? – Owen was in for the kill- The others call once in a while but they do not pester me everyday with calls and visits. Why are you doing this, Tosh? And don´t give me that you love me again, that´s bollocks, Tosh. I think you are here because you have nowhere else to go.

Tosh waited till he finished talking, she looked hurt but he had been more cruel before and she had made up her mind.

- Owen, I am here because I am worried, because I care for you –She explained, her voice strong and defiant- I do love you, but that is not the only reason I come here so often. And do not start with the grief and such things, Owen, I do love you and I don´t care if you are dead, you are still my friend and you need help.

- But I do care, Tosh –He yelled back- And let me tell you this, a good advice from the dearly departed, stop falling for impossible guys. First the alien woman, then the frozen guy...Tosh, I am dead, I am not the right guy to take to your parent´s dinner party.

- I am not thinking of that. Right now, I am thinking of cleaning this kitchen- She openeed the fridge again- Because I plan to come often and the smell is terrible.

Owen had to smile at her. It was the first time she completely ignored him in order to do what she wanted and it was kind of sexy to see her like that, so full of power. Unfortunately it was too late, he was dead, there was no coming back from that.

- Tosh, leave me alone –He said- I can´t go on like this. I cannot eat, sleep, drink, shag, I can´t work at Torchwood as I am a threat to you guys and those are the things I love, and if I can´t have them then, why should I stay here...I want to go.

- You don´t mean that –Tosh looked up, this time her eyes showed a great amount of fear and hurt- You are here for a reason, I am sure, you just have to find it. Owen, I know things are tough now but...

- Tough? – He yelled- Tough? Have you listened to what I have just said? I am dead, Tosh!, I should not be here, this was not meant to be. I should have died there and then, a heroe, dying in a pool of blood with my friends around me. That is what I wanted, a good death. Look at me, look at me! I am nothing but a corpse walking around. I can´t do the things I love, I cannot be with you or anyone, Tosh. Stop loving me, it is no use.

- Love doesn´t stop because things are complicated –She replied- You should know that.

-I have no blood circulation, Tosh- He closed his eyes- I am here but I can´t be with you, stop hoping for something to happen.

- I have never hoped...well, you never noticed me-She confessed- There was the date thing but...

- I was shot before that –He completed the sentence- We should have done it right there, the minute we agreed to go on a date, we should have done it.

- Do what? Go on a date? –she didn´t understand- We were in a mission, with Martha.

- Yes, I know, but not the date, you see, the sex –He smirked. She blushed, he enjoyed it. Blushing one more thing he couldn´t do, not that he did that often in the past. Took a whole lot to make him blush.

-Owen...

- It is too late for that –Owen said looking at the floor- Too late for most things, ...I always wondered what was to be with you in bed.

- I know –Tosh replied way too fast

- You do? The pendant!-Owen was shocked, what else had he heard thinking of her. He couldn´t remember if that day he had his usual sexual fantasy with her and the leather boots...or the one with the honey...

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She woke up late and tired, she had not been sleeping well for some weeks, all the stress of being promoted, the life-changing decisions she had been forced to make in the last few days. She had been offered the job she wanted but in Hong Kong, she knew her husband´s place was in Cardiff, with his mates, his annoying mother and his boring job as a mailman. Gary was a normal bloke, and he wanted a normal life. But she was so much more and had already decided to leave him. That night they have heard a terrible bang in the garden. No wonder, that place was old, unkept and probable full of vermin. She hated it, never went in there, but he was always promising he will fix it.

- An animal or something had landed in our garden –She had said, not moving from the bed. She was so tired.

- I´ll go and check.

It took him a lifetime to come back, more than 2 hours, she had already fallen asleep when he came, all weird and full of mud. He was in a strange mood, he wanted to have sex, have children, he mumbled he couldn´t wait any longer, that he didn´t have that long and that kids were the thing they were needing. She had fought him off and left him locked in the bathroom crying her name. After a while she had fallen asleep again.

She went to the bathroom and saw that he had escaped through the window and closed her eyes sad. Things were not going the way she planned. Definitely not.

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Hope it is not too bad...R&R please...