Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who. But soon the world will be mine! Ahahahahaha!!
Important Note: Whatever you do, wherever you end up, there is one universal rule you should be aware of: Do Not Let The Doctor Cook Anything. Ever. It's not that he's a bad cook. Far from it. (Those were the best waffles I ever tasted.) It's just that, even if he's only making a ham sandwich, by the time he's finished your kitchen will be a wreck. Never let him cook in your own house. The insurance will not cover it. Believe me. Suggest going for chips. This will work pretty well as the Doctor is currently addicted to said foodstuff.
However, since the Doctor A.K.A the cheapest guy ever, will almost never have the right currency on him for 21st century earth you'll be the one paying for a large chips, a burger-with-everything and water. (Do Not let him convince you to pay for a Coke. Just Don't. Caffeine and the Doctor are not a good combination.) Just put it in your budget as saving the world from a Doctor-related cooking catastrophe expense.
If you're not British, go to the Bureau De Change and get some Pounds Sterling pretty damn quick. Mention the word 'Tardis' and the staff there will be amazingly helpful. He won't go anywhere but Britain for chips. And he will not eat what I believe are known as 'Fries'. So McDonald's is out. (I pointed out that chips in Ireland are pretty much the same as in Britain but He-Who-Is-Almost-Perpetually-Hyper mentioned something about aliens and flesh-eating parasites. So I guess if I decide to leave the TARDIS and go back to Cork, I'll never be ordering chips in Supermac's again. Oh well.) End of Important Note.
Right then, back to the Case of the Men of Mud. (Oooh, very Sherlock Holmes, Sam! -D) Right after I re-explain the concept of PRIVACY to someone. Aaargh!
Okay. . . Now that the Doctor's busy trying to scrub paint stains out of his hair, I'll continue with the story...(I find anymore notes from him in here and there will be war!) All right then, the Doctor had come up with yet another crazy plan. He'd decided that we should surrender ourselves to the people who, moments ago had been chasing after us, intent on ripping us to shreds. There were a few other details to the plan as well, but they're not important right now. The Doctor had already rushed outside the TARDIS so I figured I'd better follow him. I wasn't really looking forward to the prospect of more mud, but I knew I'd better go help him or everyone on earth would get a permanent mud bath. Which would suck.
Anyway, I rushed outside and was promptly grabbed by slimy heaps of mud. But since everything I was wearing was already ruined beyond any hope of cleanliness I wasn't too mad this time. The Doctor had already been grabbed and for some reason was being held upside down and shaken. The sheer amount of junk falling out of his coat proved something I'd always suspected. His pockets are bigger on the inside. Whatever they thought he was hiding though, they couldn't find it. So Anti-Doctor, who still sounded like a cross between Gene Hunt and Sean Connery, ordered the guard guys to put him the right way up and bring us to the Assimilation Chamber so that he could maintain the Doctor's form which was apparently wearing off. His face did look a bit rubbery all right.
I couldn't help but notice that the place was no longer falling to pieces. As we were being dragged along I mentioned this to the Doctor. "Well, of course it's not Sam. That stuff earlier was just a little diversion." I pointed out that during 'that stuff earlier' I was nearly crushed by a falling roof. The Doctor waved his hand dismissively, muttering about 'minor complications' and 'bad Galik craftsmanship' but I'd already seen the guilty look flash across his face. He continued, "you didn't think I'd have triggered a massive failure in all systems that would have destroyed the ship and it's crew entirely did you? What kind of savage would do that?"
"Uhh...no idea," I lied. Because if you suggest a course of action along the lines of 'Why don't we just shoot them? They are trying to take over the world!' you'll be subject to a speech on the misuse of violence, a rant on stupid trigger-happy humans and a very disappointed Look. Curiously, he never mentions any of this stuff when he's blowing things up. To be honest it's the Look that I dread the most. So I take the better option in situations like these. I lie. It's amazing how often it works.
By now of course, we were back in the Assimilation chamber. I could see that the Doctor had been right about the Galik's need to top-up on genetic material in order to maintain their disguises. Anti-Doctor's face had progressed to looking like a melted halloween mask. As for when he tried to talk. . . well, you know that bit in The Matrix where Keanu Reeves asks the agent for his phone call, and his mouth goes all. . . melty. . . yeah, well mudman-supremo looked like that. It was beyond disgusting. I don't think the Doctor was too impressed either; it was his face after all. (If you ask me, he's a bit vain about his current face. Having seen pictures of the previous ones I can understand why. Not that they're bad. Some of 'em are pretty all right looking, even if they don't compare to the one he's got now. The outfits, on the other hand. . . what was with the celery? Seriously, what?)
It was handy if I wanted a snack in a hurry. And I'm quite fond of this face thank-you-very-much, She-Who-Leaves-Towels-On-The-Bathroom-Floor. Still wish I was ginger though. -D
That. Is. It. Sorry, but any planet that needs saving in the future (or past) is going to have to save itself, because the Time Lords are about to become totally extinct. (How is he getting this stuff in my journal anyway? I only just wrote the last bit! And I do not leave towels on the floor! That only happened once! Because I was in the middle of the shower when He-Who-I-Am-About-To-Kill crashed the TARDIS into a Viking ship!)
Right, so I've had a little chat with the TARDIS. It went something like this: I pointed out that the TARDIS had agreed to make sure the Doctor AKA Skinny-Pain-In-The-Mik'ta would not find my journal. TARDIS then pointed out that Sam-Doctor-friend agreed to put paper-memory-holder back on shelf and not stuff it down the side of chair like a lost TV remote. I conceded the point and apologised. TARDIS indicated that this was not good enough; TARDIS wasn't going to hide paper-memories from Doctor-pilot anymore. So I did the sensible thing and grovelled. TARDIS agreed to give Sam-Doctor-Friend one more chance. But only if Sam-human distracted Doctor-pilot's mind off of Rose-Bad-Wolf. TARDIS could feel Doctor-pilot starting to mope already. Moping Doctor-pilot meant bad repairs. And mallet use. TARDIS does NOT like mallet.
In order to get my privacy back I agreed to distract the Doctor. I also promised to fill a bucket with marshmallows and leave it on the third-left cupboard in the kitchen. I don't know exactly what happens, but if you do that and then come back 15 minutes later, the bucket'll be empty and the TARDIS's background hum will be a lot softer and somehow. . . fluffy. (I'm not exactly sure how to tell the Doctor that his sentient timeship has a marshmallow addiction. If I'm lucky I'll never have to.) Hopefully it did the trick and there'll be no more Doctor-comments in here.
Anyway, as you may remember, we were once again in the Assimilation Chamber. For about the third time Galik chief-guy was doing his speechifying about how puny humans would soon be slaves, the earth would be conquered, and he could finally use his Tesco coupons in public. (Don't ask about the last bit. You wouldn't believe me. You just wouldn't.) As the damage from the Doctor's earlier bit of technological messing had stopped, and the Doctor had been searched and found not to have anything that could interfere with the ship's mainframe, Galik #1 declared that they would finally assimilate the Doctor properly and nothing would stop the GLORIOUS CONQUEST OF THE EARTH! HAHAHAHA!!! Blah blah blah, yackety smackety.
So the Guards once again shove the Doctor into an assimilation-pod-thingy. And once again there was a shloop sound, pseudo-glass covered him and the Doctor went still. Bummer. Anti-Doctor's face started to solidify again, which was annoying because he had a really smug look on his face. I seriously wanted to hit him. He could tell by looking at me too, because he oozed over and started to gloat at the 'puny human' about the fact that 'your precious Doctor is under MY control! Mwahahahaha!' (Excuse me, but ew. The Doctor isn't my precious anything! He's not my damn boyfriend for Petes sake! Oh, ew, ew, ew. Bad thought, bad thought, bad thought! Oh gross! Industrial strength mind-bleach needed! ASAP!)
I'm insulted! I'll have you know that many people consider me wildly attractive! -D
Aaargh! Doctor! Stay out! (And I'll bet those people weren't aware that you're 900 years old! You dirty old man! Aargh! I need to go scrub my brain. With gravel!) Note to self: Bigger bucket of marshmallows is clearly needed.
Entry 10: cont'd
Moving on, moving on, (with all possible speed!) here comes my moment of revenge and triumph, so pay attention. Mudman Chief was still gloating at me when he said, "Now comes our moment of triumph! We shall conquer this miserable world, and with its resources we will found an Empire! We shall return home to the cheers of our people! All of the Galikafob system shall revere us as heroes! What do you say to that, miserable human?" (Aaand, here comes the bit with the Doctor's plan actually working and me being totally cool. Yay me!)
"I say it's too bad your people gave up conquering the universe in favour of making piles of money off of the intergalactic postcard market about, oh, seventy years ago."
" Yup. You can ask the Doctor if you don't believe me. Postcards. Best this side of the horse head nebula apparently. You should consider posing for one. I bet a lot of the girls back home would love it. Much more than a conquered planet anyway. According to the Doc, your people declared that universal domination was so pass about a year after they conquered the postcard market."
By the time I finished saying this Anti-Doctor had turned purple with anger. And I don't mean that in the metaphorical sense. His skin was bright purple. (Note to self: Purple skin is not a good look for the Doctor. Keep him away from body paint.)
"Lies! Do not insult my intelligence human!"
"Buddy, you already insulted your own intelligence when you searched the Time Lord but not the Human because you assumed I wasn't a threat. I can always pose a threat!" And while I was saying this piece of impressive dialogue I pulled out the sonic screwdriver, the Recall-Ball-turned-Stasis-Signal-Device and started pressing on the screwdriver's 'on' switch like mad. Anti-Doctor made a lunge for me but it was too late. The ship had already gone into stasis, and just like the Doctor had said they would be, the Galiks were frozen too. (According to He-Who-Whose-Gelled-Hair-Is-A-Fire-Hazard this happened because they have some kind of mud-based computer chip installed in their bodies, so that if the ship is so badly damaged it needs to shut down, they do too to prevent themselves being injured by the damages to the ship.)
So there I was standing in a ship full of mudmen turned statues when it occurred to me that the life-support systems designed to keep oxygen-breathing prisoners alive, were also shutting down. And I was thirty feet underground in a spaceship made out of mud. Cue mad dash to the assimilation pod to pull the Doctor out followed by mad dash back to the TARDIS. Followed by a sigh of relief and a sit down on the captain's chair in the control room. But only for about two seconds because He-Who-Was-Not-Half-As-Mud-Covered-As-Me-The-Lucky-Sod told me to get off it before I destroyed the furniture with my mud covered clothes. Jerk.
So, outside the TARDIS doors there was an alien spaceship full of angry frozen mudmen. Who would soon unfreeze and become even angrier. And Trouble-In-Trousers was busy muttering about the state of his sonic screwdriver. ("Honestly Samantha, you're only to press gently on the switch, not squash it to death. And there's mud in the circuitry again! I'd only just cleaned that out! Yada, yada, yada.") So I prodded him and reminded him of the freshly frozen Galiks outside. He made an 'Oh yeah, them' sort of face and said not to worry, he'd sent a signal to their postcard-making fellows who should be turning up pretty soon. That was when I heard the 'shunk' sound that heralds the presence of a teleporter and the Doctor pointed to the monitor on the TARDIS's control panel. The Galiks outside were disappearing in little shafts of life.
The Doctor beamed at me. "Lovely! Isn't it Sam? Their new friends will take them home and they can start a new life as the premier makers of inappropriate postcards! I love it when things work out peacefully. Don't you?"
It was at this point that I spotted a problem with all this. The Galik spaceship was still thirty feet underground. There were no tunnels to the surface. The TARDIS had no mercury. And there was no oxygen left in the ship surrounding us, so we couldn't dig our way to the surface even if we had shovels, which we didn't. We were stuck. I said all this to the Doctor. All I got in response was "Ahh. That is a problem." Really Doctor? Ya think?
The upshot was that he upgraded my phone, and made a quick call to Torchwood 3 in Cardiff. We spent two days in the TARDIS before they dug us out, during which I discovered why the TARDIS is so large. It's so that there's enough space to get away from the Doctor for a while, so that you don't go crazy and kill him out of sheer frustration. Anyway, once they dug us out I got to meet Torchwood 3. It consisted of Ianto Jones, Gwen Cooper and Captain Jack "And who are you? Stop It!" Harkness. He handed the Doctor a vial of mercury with a wink so suggestive that it would get anyone else arrested for public indecency, and said that if we ever needed more he'd be very glad to see us around Cardiff.
The Doctor glared at him, said "Thanks Jack, lovely to see you, we've got to be going, Bye now!" and pushed me inside the TARDIS before sticking his head out the door and saying something to Jack along the lines of "Stop trying to poach my companions. No, Sam would not be interested in a job in Cardiff!" And then he shut the door, rushed up to the console, grinned, and said, "Right! Where to now? Past or future? Your choice!"
"Actually I was hoping to go to the chipper."
Doctor: And it's over. The first part of 15 things you never want to hear again has been finished! What will happen next time! Will the Doctor finally drive Sam insane? Will someone else be joining the TARDIS? Wil there be a surprise special guest (and her turtles) in the second part? Will I shut up and run for my life before the author tries to strangle me?
Sam: Read and Review please! It makes chibi!Doctor happy!