Twisted Pleasures of Warped Minds

WARNING: the contents of this fiction might make your heads explode or drool and pant. It has language (Fuck yeah!); hot, hot, yaoi (that's sex between men to any noobs out there); and delicious twincest (and again that's sex between twins to any noobs, double the fun); humor that will make you crap your pants; some weirdness, but not crack because its got some plot, form, and order to it; if you don't like any of this then what the hell are even doing here?!, if you send any flames just to insult me or yaoi fandom in general, etc then you will go on my wall of shame in the authors post script at the end, constructive criticism with pointers on how to improve myself without insulting me is more then welcome.


It doesn't tell you where the hell Nero came from or if he's an incarnation of Vergil, and with that sequence where Nero gets his DT I think capcom is totally setting up for 5. So for now this will be my version of Vergil's return


Disclaimer: I do not own or make any profit on this, the rights belong to capcom, and capcom, all I ask is that you please don't make anything like devil may cry 2 ever again. It sucked.

Chapter One

A Rude Awakening

The sun was shining in a perfect blue sky. The birds were singing there praises to the day, and down a street, in a building, with a sign called Devil May Cry, Dante was awakening at the crack of noon. As his mind was slowly pulled from sleep, his first thought was, 'Fuck the bastard that invented mornings.' Dante was still in his bed when the hated sun shone through his curtains and straight into his eyes. Groaning in pain, he shut his eyes, and his already throbbing head, turned into a splitting headache.

'Uggh, hangover. How much did I drink last night?' Taking a few minutes to let some of the morning fog in his head to clear, he finally noticed his surroundings... like the warmth of another body behind him. 'Ok Dante, you brought someone home with you. Now lets turn around and open our eyes and pray to god, Satan, and pizza and beer that you didn't fuck some ugly troll last night.' Opening his eyes and shielding his eyes from the bright and happy sun, he felt the body next to him shift. The body in question spooned up against him and put an arm around him. A muscular arm. A man's arm. 'Oh shit. please tell me that I did not bring home dude. Damn, how wasted did I get?' The flat and muscular chest snuggled against his back dashed away any hope he had. The half used bottle of astroglide sitting on the nightstand brought him a sense of horror, 'Oh crap, if I had butt sex with a man last night, I swear I will never drink again. Wait a minute, if I did do anal with a dude, why isn't my ass sore?'

Turning around, he could feel the sense of dread in his stomach, or hunger, which one he wasn't sure. He took a look at the other person's face... a face he was so familiar with, because it was a mirror of his own. 'Vergil?' once that thought entered his mind and was fully processed, the fog in his head immediately cleared, and his mind came to sudden, screeching, crashing halt. He could not think, his mind deciding shut down. All he could do at that moment was stare in shock at his sleeping twin brother. Dante poked him in the face, as if trying to determine if this is real or that maybe he was hallucinating. The body called Vergil let out a groan.

At this moment, his mind started up again and Dante realized, with a faint blush on his cheeks, that he was completely naked and so was his twin. His twin wrapped his arms around Dante's back and Vergil turned over, taking his twin with him. Dante, now on top of Vergil, realized just how naked they were, especially when he felt his twin's erection pressing against his own growing erection. Now Dante was groaning in pleasure instead of pain. 'This is so wrong on so many levels.' Dante felt a hand run through his hair and arm pull him closer so that his head was now resting in the crook of Vergil's neck. Dante felt Vergil's erection grinding against his own. Vergil's lips found their way crushed against Dante's. 'What the fuck is going on here?' Vergil's tongue slipped past Dante's lips, eagerly running his tongue against his twin's.

Their erections continued to grind against on another and Vergil's lips were nibbling his ear and licked a trail down to where his neck and shoulder met. Vergil's hands were running down Dante's back, continuing their trek south. Dante let in a sharp breath when he felt a slick finger brush against his entrance. The finger entered him, brushing against the sweet spot inside him that made his whole body tremble with so much pleasure.

The fog in his head created by lust cleared when Dante heard his brother's voice whisper into his ear, "Good morning Dante, did you sleep w-" Vergil was cut off when Dante punched him in the face. Hard.

"OW! What was that for?! Is this how you normally greet people in the morning?" Vergil looked up at Dante his eyes narrowed in anger, Dante's eyes were wide with more anger and much confusion. Dante took a deep breath and let out barrage of questions. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! HOW DID GET HERE?! ARENT YOU SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD?!"

Vergil's anger disappeared, replaced with confusion, "Dante, don't you remember last night?" Some of Dante's anger disappeared trying to remember last night, but only drawing a blank. "Ummm, no. What happened?" Vergil sighed and sat up, "It's a very long story, brother, but there was a lot of alcohol involved."

"Tell me. How long can it be?"

"Alright I'll tell you, but first I need coffee. Its going to be a long story." Vergil sighed again and got up out of bed and headed toward the closet with a distinct limp in his gait. realization to his unanswered question finally dawned on him with glee he shouted, "Hey Verge! Who bottomed last night?" Dante got the pleasure of seeing his older brother blush a pretty pink whose only reply was, "Just shut up and get dressed." With that he took out of a pair of silk kimono style robes, one blue and another red and threw the red one toward Dante. Dante caught and looked at it in confusion.

"I don't remember ever owning this. Is this mine?"

"Yes Dante it is, we went shopping, right after that fiasco. It was bought with your money, hope you don't mind." replied Vergil as he put on the blue robe. "Fiasco?" Dante put on his red robe. It felt very soft, comfortable, and, "Vergil this feels expensive. How much did this cost?" Dante took a closer look at what he was wearing, the masterwork quality was obvious. "Oh, together these only $140." With that reply Vergil limped out of the room.

"What!? I don't have that much money to splurge on clothes!" Dante ran out of the room to strangle Vergil, but stopped dead in his tracks at what he saw. Piles of gold coins covered the floor. Fine jewelry, from rings to crowns to necklaces in every style, every precious metal, and gems imaginable were scattered everywhere. On the pool table was a leather suitcase. Dante walked over and opened it. It was filled with $100 dollar bills, there must have been at least $10 mil in there. Vergil came out holding two mugs of coffee, "32.4 million in that brief case, and another 20 million lying around somewhere around here, probably under one the mound of coins. Do you think you can afford these robes?" Vergil handed him one of the mugs. Dante took it still in shock, "I guess I'll be able to pay back all that money I owe Lady, and a few others. So where the fuck did all this come from?"

"Like I said it's a long story, here have a seat." Vergil pointed at the sofa. Dante sat down. Vergil took a seat next to him. "So, tell

what you do remember, I know your not the sharpest tool in shed, but your not that dull." Dante glared at him and gave him the finger, "Fuck you." Vergil simply gave Dante that smug look on his face that always managed to piss him off, "We already did that last night and almost again this morning if you hadn't punched me in the face." Vergil stared at Dante with eyes dark and glazed over with lust, Dante himself could feel his dick getting hard at the look, as if his body was remembering something that his mind for the life of him could not. Vergil was leaning in closer, Dante could feel their thighs touching. Suddenly Vergil put a hand on Dante's thigh, traveling closer and closer to his groin.

Dante was thinking fast, of something, anything to escape this weird... hell, there wasn't a word that could describe how weird this was getting. Looking at his empty mug of coffee it dawned on him, an escape, "Vergil, I'm going to go get some more coffee. Be right back." Getting up quickly, Dante then ran into the kitchen. Dante let out a sigh of relief, "Damn, this day just keeps getting weirder and weirder." Dante looked around the kitchen looking for the coffee maker only to discover the ugliest, the weirdest, the gayest thing he has ever seen.

It looked remotely related to a coffee maker, but so much... tackier. It stood about two and a half feet tall with two halves. The upper half had a robotic android in a mauve and aqua colored suit covered in gold glitter and the widest grin stuck on its face. The bottom half what was barely recognizable as a dispenser but, instead of regular nozzles it had cow utters. There was handle you pulled down to get what you wanted, it was a gold, twelve inch dildo covered in gems. The sides had matching mauve and aqua colored cow prints to go with the suit. Above the dispenser was a menu screen and buttons covered in gold glitter. On the screen was the words in a mauve color in bubble letters were, "Love Liquids version 69".

Dante stood there, his eye twitching in anger at having this thing in his kitchen. It was ugly, it was weird, it was really, really, gay. No scratch that last part, gay men have too much fashion sense to allow this thing in their home. It's eyes opened up and spoke in a loud, cheery voice with of course a lisp, "Good morning! What can I squeeze out for you, this fine morning, master Dante?" As it spoke it's grinning teeth lit up. Dante just continued to stare at it in anger and horror, 'I thought that Jester dude was annoying but this thing takes the whole cake.' Dante shouted in a loud voice, "VERGIL! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING DOING IN MY KITCHEN?!" Dante heard his brother pop into the kitchen, "I see you've met our new beverage maker, though you've used it so far to drink beer until you puke." Dante's face lit up in utter joy, "It makes beer?" Vergil sighed, "Yes, it makes beer, it makes lager, it makes vodka, it makes rum, it makes tequila, it makes any liquid substance you can think of, even tit juice from any mammal." Dante looked at the ugly thing in thought, "Alright it can stay but where did this hideous thing come from?"

Vergil answered, "It was made by a man by the name of Dr. Feelgood." Dante couldn't help but snicker, "Dr. Feelgood? I should've guessed it judging from the ugly coffee machine."

"Yes brother, I know he had strange name, but it suited him. Dr. Feelgood was as brilliant as he was... eccentric would be the polite term."

"You sound like you know this dude."

"Yes, he was the one that found me, treated my wounds and nursed me back to health, but that's a long story that I will tell in a moment." Vergil turned to the ugly machine, "We will need two cups of green tea, two sugars served hot with a Tylenol for Dante, and oh, and Dante brace yourself, it sings." Vergil took two clean mugs and put it under the utter shaped nozzles, and pulled the dildo shaped lever. Then it made a sound, it was to Dante's horror singing Macho Man complete with music. "Vergil! Make it stop or I'll destroy it!" The repulsive machine stopped miraculously. With a calm expression and only a hint of a smile, Vergil simply said, "I did warn you, now lets start our story with what you do remember." He took the two mugs and went back to the couch.

Dante sat down wracking his brain for what he could remember.

"Well?" Vergil asked impatiently.

Taking a sip, some memories came back to him, "Well, verge, I remember sitting at my desk with a lot of bills piling up, when someone with a job for me walked in."

To be continued…

Author's Post Script

Ok this is my first fic, my muse gave me this idea 2am and wouldn't let me sleep until I wrote down an outline to turn into a fic later.Anyway I played and beat DMC 4 and I rather liked it the devil bringer was so cool, but it made me lazy, I didn't have to walk to enemies anymore.

Wall Of Shame: that's right flamers if you want insult me, yaoi fans, DMC fans or just be an asshole then I will put your review that you wrote with my own condescending commentary added and your user name for all to read then point and laugh at you without mercy.

Replies: this where I reply to everyone else that was kind enough not to be an asshole and shit all over everything. This is also where I shower people with my gratitude. While flames are most unwelcome, just remember that constructive criticisms is, you know pointing out mistakes and suggestions on how to improve is welcome.