First off, I apologize for the lateness but my grandfather died and I was too depressed to write anything funny. Then my computer died and had to get a new one, unfortunately my new computer had vista on it. Whatever you do, DO NOT GET VISTA! I'm serious, vista sucks ass, don't get it. It's not worth it.

Last Time…

The flames died down as quickly as it appeared and Dante heard laughter coming from his brother. "What's so funny, Daisy?" Vergil calmed down and replied, "Well dear brother, this is just like the day when we were born, we're both dirty, naked, and you're late showing up." Sure enough Dante was buck naked and covered in soot, apparently his clothes burned off but Sparda's blood kept him from getting a scratch. "God damn it! I just got my coat dry cleaned."

Chapter 4

Beware of Blue Jell-o

"Well Vergil, I think someone wants us dead. What do you think?" said Dante sarcastically. Vergil looked thoughtfully at his brother, "Dante? You said you came here with someone, right?" Dante's eyes widened in enlightenment, the kind you get when you realize that the hooker you got last night may have taken both your kidneys as well as your wallet. "Aw shit, I can't believe I got suckered in by a pair of gigantic boobs! What the fuck was wrong with me?!"

While Dante was ranting, Vergil was staring at his brother's body; his twin's body that was symmetrical to his. Vergil was lissome in a delicate way like that of a swan or a crane. Dante was just as graceful as himself but in a rougher more brutal and wild way but nonetheless just as lithe as himself. He took in the sight Dante's back, despite the ash and soot he could see how smooth and soft his skin looked. His eyes wandered down to his twin's ass, he found himself watching the two shapely globes wriggle back and forth in a hypnotic trance as Dante kept talking. Vergil snapped out of his trance when he heard his brother's voice, "Are you even listening to me Vergil?" It was then Vergil looked up at his twin and gave his very intelligent and eloquent reply, "Huh? Sorry, did you say something?" Dante turned around and raised his eyebrow, "Yeah, I did. Were you staring at my ass?"

Vergil said with a pink tint to his cheeks, "Maybe, but your ass was staring at me first. It's very distracting." Dante looked at his brother dumbfounded and in a rare moment he was at a loss for words. It was like he was in the twilight zone or maybe he was smoking something weird. Dante took a good look at his twin wondering if this isn't some trick or mirage. This was no trick for something within him, a primitive instinct or something deep within his soul told him this was indeed his twin. Dante took in his twin's body. A perfectly sculpted chest, like soft cream-colored velvet over steel, just like his own body, every muscle cord was packed with power. Hell, even Vergil's dick nested in white hair was… And with determination and shaking his head Dante yelled, "That does it! I don't care what this weird ass guy has; we need to find some clothes!"


Vergil dragged his brother back to the horrifying pink room, "The demons destroyed and ravaged most of Dr. Feelgood's room and other rooms that might have normal clothes, but most the articles of clothing he had weren't much better the selection we will have here." Dante saw his brother open the closet, Vergil was on his hands and knees' digging through the closet for something; his ass was in the air swaying back and forth as he violently threw random things out of his way. Dante couldn't help but think impure thoughts involving the well shaped ass waving provocatively in the air; he wondered how it would feel beneath his hands. His mind was clouded with lust once more as his hand reflexively reached out to touch the object of his thoughts. Closer his hand reached, he could feel the heat coming from the other man's skin. The creamy flesh looked soft and smooth… suddenly Vergil stood up, feeling Dante's hand brush up against his ass.

Vergil turned to look at his twin with a raised eyebrow and his familiar sagacious gaze; Dante's face looked like that of a deer caught in headlights. Vergil simply looked at his brother with a questioning gaze and a pink tint to his cheeks. "Well," Vergil started rather uneasily, "was there something you needed?"

Dante swallowed feeling nervous, 'what the hell is wrong with me?! Vergil is my brother! My twin brother! I should not want to play a game of grab-ass with him, hide the devil's arm in his gut maybe, but not grab-ass!' Dante after a moment finally spoke to Vergil, "no, not really, did you find something in the closet?"

Vergil nodded and bent over once more, to Dante's extreme delight and distress, to pull out a simple large wooden trunk. He opened the lid and stepped aside for Dante to see. Dante looked into the trunk and what he saw made him grin in delight.

It was BDSM gear.

There were leather harnesses, vinyl skirts, black leather corsets, leather gloves, thongs in many colors, fishnet stockings, tool belts stocked with condoms and lubricants, crops, whips, collars, leashes, and a two pairs of knee-length black leather boots.

Dante turned to his brother, "Wow Verge didn't know you were into this sort of kinky thing. At least it isn't a frilly little sundress."

After the two got dressed in matching gear and managed to strap their devil's arms to their backs, Dante looked at his brother wearing the same bondage gear as himself and wondered aloud, "Holy fuck do I really look like someone going to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show?" Vergil gave an exasperated sigh, "Well Dante, that's one way of putting it but I was going for transvestite leather hooker, but just don't sing or I will have to kill you."

Dante gave his twin an evil smile and started singing,

"I'm a sweet transvestite-"

"Dante, stop it or I'll-"

"From transsexual-"

"slice you in half with Yamato-"

"Transylvania – ow, that hurt damnit! "

Dante's breathe was knocked out of him when Vergil gave him a hard punch to his gut. Vergil gave his brother a sharp look when he saw his brother started laughing, "come on Dante, we need to get moving. This room is making nauseous."


Dante and Vergil walked through the hallway in awkward silence, stepping over demon carcasses littering the hallway; the stench of blood and something else was heavy in the air. Dante trailed behind Vergil doing his best to keep his eyes from wondering down his twin's back, his attempt failed spectacularly. His eyes were glued to his brother's sculpted ass like kid watching Saturday morning cartoons on TV. He even started to drool in his hypnotic trance. He could feel his groin wake happily at the sight of his twin's ass swaying salaciously. Dante bumped into Vergil as they came to a halt in front of two wooden doors.

"This is the kitchen, though I should warn you, this is one of the most horrifying rooms on this god forsaken ship." Vergil cast his eyes down his brother, and Dante could feel the heavy weight of gaze stare at his groin. Dante saw a smirk on his brother's smug face, that at that moment he wanted to punch.

"My, my, Dante, what do we have here? Can't you handle a few demon pheromones?"

That last part got Dante's attention, "what do you mean pheromones?" Dante's raised voice laced with his extreme frustration echoed throughout the hallway.

Vergil's smirk faded and was replaced by a raised eyebrow, "you mean to tell me that you are so thickheaded that you can't tell the smell of demon pheromones? And here I thought you were a devil hunter. It has a subtle but distinct smell nonetheless. A demon has been purposefully exuding pheromones in this place and the smell attracted demons to this place. The stinking carcasses we've been stepping on are demons that fucked each other to death."

Dante looked down and noticed the compromising positions the demons died in.

"Is that why they're not sand?"

"Yes, when they manage kill themselves in a mating frenzy like this, the carcasses stay around for the newly spawned demons born from this atrocious and disgusting ritual to feed on. This sort of thing usually only happens in hell, which brings up a few questions as well as answers to some questions I did not want to ask."

"Huh, I knew they used humans for the same thing but usually low level demons or simple zombies are created, you know non threatening and one hit kill stuff."

"Unfortunately for us demons that use other demon carcasses for spawning purposes spawn higher level demons then the ones that died, the more powerful the demon carcass used the more powerful newly spawned demon. So we will have our hands full soon if we don't destroy the corpses we've been using as carpet."

"So, Verge those demons were attacking you, were trying to…"

Vergil spoke in voice so icy one would think it could freeze hell "Yes, they tried to mate with me but I proved to be too strong a prey. They only succeeded in getting my clothes off by burning them off with acid. The day I spread my legs for a weakling is the day hell gets an ice-cream stand."

Dante looked down at Vergil and noticed that unlike him, his thongs were not stretching. "Hey, how come the pheromones aren't bothering you?"

"We are half demons, our human blood dilutes the effect the pheromones from absolutely crippling to a very strong nuisance. That and I picture getting a spanking from Jester." Dante's face wrinkled in disgust, "eww, well that killed my erection. Let's see if that kitchen has any pizza or beer, I'm getting hungry." With that Dante pushed the doors open and winced his eyes from the blinding horror of the kitchen in front of him.

The counters, the tables, the fridge, the stove, everything was decorated in gold glitter and a metallic hot pink finish. The floor was tiled with mosaic suggestive looking flowers. The only redeeming feature of this kitchen was the fact that it was clean and did not stink of blood and demon mating spunk.

Dante spotted the fridge; it was taller then him by about three feet and matched the kitchen. It was covered with unicorn magnets and rainbow stickers. When he opened it he found nothing but a lot of blue Jello crowding every shelf, and on the shelf door reserved for eggs was two unappetizing black eggs. "Hey Verge! I think this weird ass guy was crazy about Jello and exotic bird eggs." Vergil was immediately at Dante's side, his eyes wide with horror, with a quite but clear voice he said, "That's not Jello, those are explosives." His head snapped to the eggs and his hand quickly snatched them before slamming the fridge shut, "You've got to be kidding me! He hid these in with that exploding jello of his?!"

Dante looked at his brother, his curiosity piqued, "Vergil? You said the Jello exploded? And what's so special about those eggs?" Vergil handed him one of the eggs, Dante looked more closely at it. It was softer then an egg and had two barely noticeable oblong buttons on either side of the egg. Vergil suddenly spoke, "these are monowire weapons, you squeeze them to activate them. And the Jello in the fridge has to be kept cool, when it reaches room temperature it spreads into a gas and then explodes, it packs more of a punch then C4, there's enough in there to take out this entire boat."

Dante was grinning at his new toy in his hand, when squeezed it something like energy in a black and purple glow burst from the egg and took on the shape of a whip. It was sinking into the floor where it landed slicing through the mosaic tiles as if it were only air. Dante squeezed the egg again and the black energy was gone. Dante had the look of kid on Christmas morning. "Sweet! This thing rocks! I am so keeping it, thanks Verge!"

Vergil smiled contently when he saw how happy his younger brother looked, "You're welcome Dante, I will be taking the other one, and you can have the one in your hand. Fortunately for us I actually read the user manual to this thing before some idiot tripped the fiery booby trap that destroyed it."

"Wait a minute, you actually read the manual to something and understood it? Nobody ever reads those things because they're always written by some jerk off hooked on a number of drugs and in written in a language he can't speak making those god awful manuals unreadable."

Vergil smirked at his brother, "well Dante I guess that means I'm smarter then you." Dante glared at his brother before Vergil continued, "As I was saying, the buttons on the side are to control the length and hardness of the weapon." Vergil activated his monowire whip and with deft efficiency sliced through the glittering cabinets. The whip flew in the air like a black ribbon fluttering in the wind, he then held out the black egg for his brother to see. "You take your thumb and forefinger and rub it along the sides here to make it longer and harder until it's as straight as an iron rod and at this point you can then thrust it into the core of your target."

Dante could feel his own weapon between his legs getting longer and harder at Vergil's suggestive words until the thongs slid uncomfortably off his erection. "Vergil you bastard, you're teasing me on purpose."

His twin looked at him with an evil grin and a voice tinged with sarcasm, "why Dante I don't know what you're talking about, I have absolutely no idea why you would get hard at a time like this." Dante watched his twin trying his best to hold back peels of laughter and he could feel his lust and anger burning in him, "Two can play at this game Vergil!"

Vergil was too busy laughing at his brother that he was caught off guard at what his twin did next. Dante pounced on Vergil, pinning him on the floor with Vergil's wrists in his hands. Dante's legs kept Vergil's legs from kicking him. Dante leaned closer to Vergil's ear, his lips brushing against Vergil's jaw. Dante's tongue came out from behind soft lips to taste the shell of Vergil's ear. Beneath him Vergil's body flushed and shuddered with pleasure. Dante's hips pressed against his twin's growing erection and rubbed his own erection against Vergil.

Vergil's mind was filled by that fog of lust and ecstasy, to his great shame and great pleasure his cock got harder and harder from his twin's pleasurable ministrations. Dante's lips sucked and nibbled his twin's neck as he thrust his hips against Vergil. Vergil finally lost control and grinds his erection against Dante's. Vergil's lips met lips exactly like his own. Their tongues entwined and explored the other's hot mouth. They broke off the kiss and they were panting hard.

Dante's hands let go of Vergil's wrists. His arms were suddenly wrapped around Dante and lightly scratching his back. Dante's hands grabbed their erections and pumped them as their hips easily found a rhythm grind against on another. Vergil was sucking on his twin's neck and Dante was nibbling on Vergil's ear. Vergil's hand wandered down Dante's back. Just as his hand had found what he was seeking, a sword of blue energy whizzed past Dante's ear nearly scaring the younger twin out of his thongs and out the door.

They heard a shrill scream of pain and Dante's eyes widened as he saw the red headed woman who hired him looking none too happy. She had a hand over her bleeding shoulder. She looked at them with a black hatred in her cold eyes. Vergil smirked and stood up, "well there she is, the bitch queen herself." Dante stood up next to his brother, "trying to catch us with our pants down eh? So Verge, who is she really?"

The woman with red hair answered for him, "I was Mundus's consort and the power behind his throne. Before Sparda got soft I was one of the many she-demons vying for his attentions but in the end he chose that human whore that was your mother. It gave me so much pleasure killing her, unfortunatly I was not able to find her two brats at the time, but I'll fix that soon enough" Dante shook with red hot anger and Vergil seethed with a cold fury. They both reached for their weapons only to find them missing. The woman laughed, behind her was a black tentacle holding their weapons, "I grabbed these while you two were too busy humping each other to notice." She disappeared in inky colored wisps of smoke before their fists could connect with her face.

She appeared behind them, the twins just dodging her fists that slammed into the wall behind them. She turned toward them; her skin fell off her hands revealing ugly warty skin beneath. She then let out an unearthly howl as her skin bulged and burst forth like putting too much air in a balloon revealing a creature of unimaginable horror. A huge demon that stood thirteen feet stepped away from the empty shell. It was the most horrifying creature they had ever seen. Her once beautiful face now resembled that of a mutated dog with four sinister glowing red eyes on stalks like a snail's and long bloody fangs.

Dark red scales and huge boils sparsely covered her body in huge clumps. Her scaled arms and legs ended with vicious black talons and leathery wings sprouted from her back. Her breasts were covered with hairy warts and sagged so low they resembled pendulums.

Her groin was mass of wreathing black tentacles with vicious spikes. A wide mouth within the nest of tentacles opened up and revealed hundreds of sharp teeth dripping with acid and blood. In the teeth was a human arm. The stench was overpowering, like rotting human carcasses with a hint of brimstone.

She spoke in a deep booming voice that sounded like rocks grinding against one another, "My name is Lillith queen of all demons. I will devour your body and make a wind chime from your penises."

Dante could feel bile rising in his throat, "damn you are ugly, when they said beauty is skin deep, they weren't kidding. I don't think I'll be able to have erections for at least ten years."

Vergil wasn't better off, "I'm surprised father was able to get it up after seeing what you look like, but seeing as we exist our mother must have been very skilled in the bedroom more so than could you could ever hope to be." That comment enraged the demon and it lunged at Vergil, Dante snuck up on her and with a dildo in his hand he hit her on the head with it. Vergil used a bottle of the Astroglide on the floor around her feet.

She lunged at them and fell comically on her face; the twins used this opportunity to get their weapons back. The twins stepped on her head and reached for their swords. The demon was quicker however and disappeared in a wisp of smoke. In the corner black smoke appeared and two tentacles appeared with two black eggs. Vergil used his summoned swords to slice the tentacles off. The black eggs dropped to the ground. Dante grabbed them and tossed one to his twin.

The demon emerged from the shadows; the tentacle at her groin opened up and spewed acid the smell was almost enough to knock them out. The twins dodged it and activated their monowire whips. The black energy flowed like water, cutting the demon's tentacles; it let out a howl of pain.

The twin brothers looked at one another with a knowing glint in their eyes. The weapons in their hands were hard as a steel sword and together they shouted, "Jackpot!" The black energy extended and thrust into the demons groin and out of its mouth. The demon Lillith let out one gasp and spew acid out it's mouth and toward the fridge. She laughed manically before falling to the ground dead.

Vergil's eyes widened in horror at the blue Jello falling out of the useless fridge, "oh shit, Dante we need to get off this boat!" Dante had already gathered their swords off the floor and was heading out the door. Vergil was quickly at his brother's side and grabbed his hand, "come on I'll lead the way."

Seconds later they were on the deck of the ship, they searched for the boat they came on. The twin could see a blue gas creeping behind them, they found the boat Dante came in on and jumped off the deck of the ship and on the little boat. Vergil found the keys still in the ignition and floored it.

They were half a mile from the ship when the whole ship exploded. The twins could see the whole thing erupt in flames, lighting up the night sky. The twins breathed a sigh of relief and looked around the tiny boat and noticed the piles of money and jewelry.

They saw what looked like a mutated coffee maker decorated with about as much subtlety as a Las Vegas casino. It then spoke up in a lisped voice, "would anyone care for some juice to suck on?"

Dante could see a vein on his twin's head throb and heard him say, "I can't be rid of this thing, can I?"

To be continued…


Author's Post Script

Well hope you guys aren't too angry at me for waiting for so long to update this, This chapter was a little rushed so I could get this to you in time for Christmas. Thanks for all your reviews and merry Christmas. I think for writing this, I'll be on Santa's naughty list and flogged then eaten by the Krampus. If you don't know what the Krampus is, google it. Trust the germans to come up with a really kinky Christmas tradition.