What She Sees
Warnings: Spoilers for Season 4.
Summary: She is always there, watching.
Notes: This is something I've wanted to do for a while, but wasn't exactly sure how to do it, but I think I found a way now. Hope you like it.
She watches them every day, whether it's out of curiosity or a longing to be with them again, she isn't quite sure. But the fact remains that she does watch them. She watches the way their dynamic has formed and changed from when she was there with them. She sees the subtle differences in the way they relate towards each other, as well as the similarities. She left them prematurely, that much is certain, but she has come to realise and understand that she or anyone else can change that. Watching her colleagues, her friends, her family change and grow and move on with their lives without her is satisfying. She knows they think of her and they care about her. She also knows that they feel sorrow and sadness from her death, but they have come to accept it. They know she'll never be forgotten. She feels great comfort in this knowledge, because she knows she made an impact on them, on such a level that they will always remember her. That makes her smile. She misses them. They miss her. It's true. It's human.
She has watched their emotions, how they've developed, how they've grown. She has seen them at their most vulnerable, she has seen them at their strongest. Pride. Pride is what she feels, she is proud to have been a part of this team, this family.
She has watched Abby deal with her death. She knows what Abby felt in the months following it. She knows Abby was deeply sad, for she had lost a real friend. She knows she was unwilling to accept Ziva, but she knows Abby has come to deal with her feelings toward Ziva. She knows she will always have a place in Abby's heart. Abby has a big heart. There's always room for one more.
She has watched Gibbs deal with her death. She knows he feels guilty for letting her get shot. She knows the anguish and pain he feels. She understands his loss of his family for she has seen how he coped with losing her. She has seen him mentor Ziva, the new addition to the family. She has seen him bicker with Jenny, trying to avoid getting hurt again, covering his emotions with a false denial, one which she knows Jenny can see right through. She smiles at this, the closeness they share is special. She can see he still cares.
She has watched Tony deal with her death. She knows he dealt with it the way he always deals with tragedy, he doesn't think about it. Denial. She knows he feels for her, she can see it in his eyes. She sees that he has never gone a day without thinking about her, she knows he looks up and smiles - a direct path to her. She smiles back. She has seen his emotional growth. She knows he has seen love. She sees he is in deep. But is torn. She knows he doesn't like to lie to them. She knows he doesn't have a choice. He is loyal. She sees the happiness in his eyes after he has been with Jeanne. She sees the jealousy held by Ziva when he has that look in his eye. She knows Ziva is intuitive, she knows Ziva sees right through him. She knows Ziva is intrigued by mystery - the mystery of him. Of the man she cares for.
She has seen Ziva come newly into this close team, at a vulnerable time. She has seen Ziva make idiomatic mistakes, she has seen Tony or McGee correct her. She has seen Ziva's frustration and her humour. She has seen Ziva grow more open towards the team, letting them past her wall - but only as much as Ziva wants them to see. She knows Ziva is intriguing to Tony. She knows Ziva is frightening to Tony. She's seen her threaten him with a paperclip and a spoon. She has seen Tony's laugh and his mock fear towards her. Which she suspects is real. She has seen Ziva make an impossible choice. She knows Ziva killed Ari. She knows Ziva feels pain over Ari's death. She knows Ziva is practical and loyal. She knows Ziva did what had to be done to save Gibbs, to save everyone.
She has seen McGee cope with her death. She has seen him sit at his type writer and let his feelings and thoughts be transferred onto the paper. She has seen him grieve for her. She knows he cares about her. She knows he misses her. She knows not a day goes by where he doesn't think of her. He smiles at her memory.
She has seen Jenny arrive with such authority to this team. She knows she is a powerful woman, a professional woman. But she knows that there are vulnerabilities to Jenny. Underneath the career driven woman, she sees her emotions. Her desire. Her desire to be loved again. She knows she has regrets. She knows she sometimes wishes for a different path. She knows Jenny cares about her team. She knows she means well.
Ducky. She saw Ducky deal with her death. She saw him having to deal with performing her autopsy. She knows it was hard for him. She knows he wouldn't have let anyone else do it. She knows he cares for her too much. She is special. She needs special treatment. She knows Ducky thinks of her often. She knows he will never forget her.
She longs to be a part of their lives. But in some ways she knows she is. She is in their hearts each and every day. They know she is watching over them. She knows they care. As their lives progress she sees more traits emerge. She sees strengths and weaknesses. She sees real people. People she cares about. People she loves.
Caitlin Todd is her name. And her memory will last forever.
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