It's been(according to Ander) 5 months since the last chapter of this story, but guess who's finally back? I'll be here to stay, hopefully as I try to address some problems such as Zack's character, although he isn't very prominent in this chapter. The main plot didn't turn out how I wanted but I hope you like this chapter nonetheless. If not, then I hope at least the cutaways are good. On with the chapter.
Chapter 39: Meg's Breast Friend
Monday morning at the Quahog preschool center, Maddie was speaking with Stewie, Tilly, and CJ.
"Guys, you'll never guess what I got," said Maddie, "It's the most exciting thing in the world!"
"Oh my gosh! You have the book on the altering of energy and matter?" asked Tilly in excitement.
"...You don't get out much, do you?" asked Maddie.
"Is it a big bag of poo?" laughed CJ.
"Why do you and your dad have a hard on for poo?" asked Maddie.
"Is it the Spice Girls movie?" asked Stewie in excitement before everybody just stared at him, "WHAT?!"
"Okay, I'm just gonna answer before it gets any more awkward," said Maddie, "I have a Sidekick Cell phone!"
"Wow, a Sidekick?" said CJ.
"Where did you get that?" asked Stewie.
"Mr. Swanson gave it to me," said Maddie, "It used to be evidence for an attempted murder case or something."
"And he gave it to you," said Stewie dryly.
"What? The original owner doesn't need it anymore!" said Maddie, "Not that he has any hands left to dial a phone with anyway. This baby has built in wifi, downloadable ringtones, web browsing and even text messaging!"
"Wait, why do cell phones need text messaging when you can just call?" asked Tilly.
"I can make phone calls on this thing?" asked Maddie, "Anyway, I wanna show you the text messaging. I'm gonna text Olivia."
Maddie: Hay thar Olivia. Im txtng u.
Olivia: Gr8 2 c u grl.
"Coke?" asked Maddie, "Why does Janet want Coke?"
"Oh! I get it," said Maddie, "She wants to borrow my crayons!"
"Maddie, you know electronics aren't allowed in the classroom," said Mrs. Lockhart as she took the phone away, "I'm confiscating this."
"What? But that's not fair!" complained Maddie, "I just cleaned off the blood stains!"
"Well your parents can come here after school to claim-" said Mrs. Lockhart before noticing a phone, "Is this a Sidekick?" she asked herself, "On second thought, I'm going to keep this just to teach you a lesson," she said as she walked back to her desk.
"That witch!" said Maddie, "Who the hell does she think she is?"
"She's the teacher," said Tilly, "She has full authority over us."
"Whatever. She's not getting away with this," said Maddie, "I want that cellphone back! Tilly, you're brilliant. Help me get revenge."
"Revenge?" asked Tilly, "Revenge is a petty and pitiful action which only leads to the suffering of both sides and-"
"Stewie, you're brilliant. Help me get revenge," said Maddie.
"Why of course," said Stewie, "Revenge is my speciality. Just ask Elizabeth Smart. One day, she cut in front of me in a line at McDonald's. So of course I had to-"
"Don't you dare finish that!" said Tilly, "Do you want this fic deleted?"
"What? I was saying that I made prank calls to her," said Stewie, "I had nothing to do with the kidnapping."
The next day at the house, the kids are setting up a bunch of rockets from the sandbox all facing the west.
"If my calculations are correct, Mrs. Lockhart's house should be facing this way," said Stewie.
"She is so gonna freak!" said CJ.
"It's not too late to turn back, you know," warned Tilly, "I can make you a new cellphone! One with a bunch more useless features like receiving Martian TV!"
"Is it any good?" asked CJ.
"I'm not too sure," said Tilly, "It's pretty strange and I couldn't really understand what anyone was saying... kinda like Telemundo."
"This isn't about the cellphone anymore," said Maddie, "This is about getting even. Anyway, let's shoot some firecrackers!"
Stewie then lights the firecrackers and they shoot into the sky. He looks at the firecrackers from a pair of binoculars.
"They're moving right on course!" said Stewie.
"Let me see!" said Maddie as she grabbed the binoculars, "Oh man, she is gonna be so pissed when those crackers mess up her lawn."
"Wait, firecrackers?" asked Stewie, "You just wanted to piss her off?"
"Yes. Why are you asking me this?" asked Maddie.
"...I thought you wanted to kill her," said Stewie, "Those were heavy explosives."
"Oh shit..." said Maddie.
Suddenly a huge explosion comes from afar as a mushroom cloud fills the sky. Stewie, Tilly, Maddie, and CJ just look at each other for a second in silence and all run off in different directions. Maddie runs upstairs and hides in her toybox. From downstairs the phone rings.
"Hello?" asked Meg as she answered the phone, "Why hello, Mrs. Lockhart... What?... MADDIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!!"
"Okay, do I even want to know what she did this time?" asked Zack.
Meg and Zack then walk into Maddie's room and stand in front of the closed toybox.
"Maddie, come out this instance," said Meg sternly.
"No, because you're going to yell at me and get mad," said Maddie from within her toybox.
"Maddie, nobody's going to yell at you or get mad," said Meg.
"Now why would we be mad at you?" asked Zack, "I mean, all you did was make your teacher homeless by blowing up her house and putting us in a potential lawsuit where we could be sued blind. What's to be mad about?"
"I'm going to juvie, aren't I?" asked Maddie from inside the toybox.
"No, but what you did was wrong," said Meg, "Because you destroyed her place, we're going to offer her to stay with us."
"What?! NO!" shouted Maddie as she burst from her toybox, "You can't!"
"Well, she has no place to go," said Zack, "Besides, your mother and I agreed that this would be the best solution."
"But teachers and students should not live together!" explained Maddie.
"What's all this screaming going on here?" asked Lois as she and Peter walked into the room.
"Maddie's protesting on our idea of letting Mrs. Lockhart stay with us," said Zack.
"What's the occasion?" asked Lois.
"Maddie sorta... blew up her house," said Meg.
"Oh my goodness," said Lois in shock, "We should call her immediately."
"I don't know," said Peter, "I mean, have you seen the woman? What if she gives me temptations of cheating? You remember what happened the last time I tried cheating."
Peter is on the computer playing Team Fortress 2. He was playing as the BLU Heavy, but he sucked since he kept getting blown up over and over again. He gets mad and angrily slams his hands on the keyboard while making childish whining noises. Zack walks by and notices this.
"Damn, you suck," said Zack.
"TBBBBT!" raspberried Peter.
Just then he gets an idea and activates the cheat menu.
"I wouldn't..." warned Zack.
"Nuts to you!" said Peter as he entered the code GODMODE.
"Don't say I didn't warn you," said Zack as he left the room.
Peter then jumps back into his game and becomes an invincible powerhouse, taking out every opposing team member by himself.
"Hehehehe! I pwn you n00bz!" taunted Peter as he continued enjoying himself.
Unbeknownst to Peter, a gray haired, bearded man slowly walked behind him. Peter slowly turns around to see the man who was pointing his finger at him.
"HAAAAAAAAAAAACKS!" shouted Dr. Hax as a computer monitor was flung from nowhere at Peter's head.
(Note: You probably won't get this joke reference if haven't watched The GMOD Idiot Box videos on Youtube.)
Later that day, Lois, Peter, Meg, and Zack were leading Mrs. Lockhart to a newly decorated attic.
"This was my old room when I first moved here," said Zack, "It's not much but it should fill your needs nicely."
"I really can't thank you enough for letting me stay," said Mrs. Lockhart.
"Think nothing of it," said Meg.
"Yes, after all, our home is your home," said Lois.
"I wish there was some way I could repay you," said Mrs. Lockhart as she pulled out some money from between her breasts, "It isn't much but it's all I have."
"No no, just put back your money," said Peter as she did so,... back in between her breasts, "On second thought, we'd like that money," he said as she pulled it out, "No, put it back," said Peter, "Now take it out... put it back... take it out... put it back... take it out... put it back..."
"Peter!" growled Lois.
"Besides, you don't have to repay us," said Meg, "We're repaying you."
"And we're already both getting something of this," said Zack, "We're giving you a place to stay and you don't press charges. I kid. I kid."
"Speaking of which, where is Maddie?" asked Mrs. Lockhart.
"We're punishing her for what she did," said Zack, "I didn't want to do it, but I needed something to make sure she never does what she did again."
Meanwhile downstairs, Maddie is in the bathroom washing Peter's underwear in the sink.
"Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!" said Maddie in disgust.
Back in the attic...
"Please, you don't have to punish her," said Mrs. Lockhart, "She's only a one year old girl. She probably doesn't know better."
"Oh, then I guess that means I don't have to punish Stewie either," said Peter.
Meanwhile downstairs, Stewie is in the bathroom washing Meg's underwear in the sink.
"Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!" said Stewie in disgust.
Back in the attic...
"Well, I'll call you if I need anything," said Mrs. Lockhart, "And again, thank you."
"Oh and here's the last of your luggage," said Peter as he dragged in a chest.
"Wait, I don't remember having such a big chest," said Mrs. Lockhart confused.
"Which one?" asked Zack, "...That was terrible."
Mrs. Lockhart opens the chest and gasps at the sight of what, or should I say who, was inside.
"Quagmire?" asked Mrs. Lockhart.
"Whoops... Heh... Well, you can't blame a guy for trying," shrugged Quagmire.
The audience began to laugh as the trumpet "Wa wa waaaaaaaaaa" sound played. The screen then fades to black as the Everybody Loves Raymond theme song plays.
"We'll be right back to Everybody Loves Quagmire after these messages," said a TV announcer.
The next morning Lois was making breakfast for the family while Stewie and Maddie were sitting in their high chairs reading the back of a cereal box, playing Where's Waldo.
"Did you find him yet?" asked Maddie.
"No," said Stewie.
"Did you find him yet?" asked Maddie.
"No," said Stewie.
"Did you find him yet?" asked Maddie.
"YES!" said Stewie triumphantly, "...No, it was just a guy wearing a striped sweater."
"WAIT! LOOK!" shouted Maddie.
"Is it Waldo?" asked Stewie.
"Even better!" said Maddie as she turned to the side of the box where there was ad, "We can get a free official Adam West batarang with 5 proofs of purchases plus shipping and handling!"
"Ooh! Just imagine what we could do with such a thing," said Stewie.
In the night red sky, a police blimp with two headlights was looking around the city. Two suspicious men wearing trenchcoats and hats were walking away from the first national Quahog bank. The doors had exploded! The men were using a bomb and were getting away with the loot. Meanwhile inside a cave, the Batmobile revs off out to get the criminals.
On the streets, a police car was chasing the two men through an alleyway. As the car comes to a halt at the dead end, the robbers are gone. They seems to have escaped to the rooftops. It seems as though the men were going to get away scott fee... until a cloaked football headed boy dressed as a bat lands in front of them. He only stares at them with a grim scowl.
The men take out their guns, but Stewie is quick to the draw as he throws out his batarang, disarming the men and hitting one of them in the shin. The man collapse to floor holding onto his shin as his hat rolls off to reveal that he was... Peter.
"Fatman?" asked Stewie.
"SHHHHHH.... AAAAAAHHHHH! SHHHHHHH.... AHHHHHHHH! SHHHHHHH..... AHHHHHHHHH," hissed Peter in pain.
"And end reference," said Quagmire revealing himself to be the other criminal.
"What are we waiting for?" asked Maddie as she got off her high chair, "We've got more cereal to eat!"
"But what about Waldo?" asked Stewie as he got off his.
"I'm pretty sure he can find himself. Now let's GO!" said Maddie.
The camera then zooms into the back of the cereal box where Waldo is still lost within the crowd.
"No! I can't find myself! I'm lost!" complained Waldo, "...And lonely..."
Later that afternoon, Jillian was hanging around at the Griffin home watching TV when Chris comes through the door tired.
"Hi, Chris," said Jillian, "I was thinking that tonight we could go dancing or something."
"Sorry Jillian, but I can't," said Chris, "I have so much homework and it'll take me all night just to do it."
"Chris, what is this that I hear about homework?" asked Mrs. Lockhart.
"Oh, hi Mrs. Lockhart," said Chris.
"Oh, Hello Mrs. Lockheartbreaker," mocked Jillian.
"Excuse me?" asked Mrs. Lockhart.
"Nothing," said Jillian.
"I know that we had a bit of... history, but what if I tutor you tonight?" asked Mrs. Lockhart, "Would you like that, Chris?"
"I'd like that a lot!" said Chris.
"Then it's a date," said Mrs. Lockhart.
"Oh, you can hang around too and learn something," said Chris.
"Oh no thanks," said Jillian bitterly, "I don't do threesomes."
As they continue with their conversation, Meg busts through the front door, crying and running into the kitchen.
"Excuse me for a minute," said Mrs. Lockhart as she followed Meg.
In the kitchen, Zack, Peter, and Lois were sitting around Meg who crying for one reason or another.
"What's the matter, honey?" asked Lois.
"Everybody at school was invited to Connie's party except me!" sobbed Meg, "I'm such a big fat loser."
"Well, I'm sure that's not true," said Lois, "I'm sure she didn't invite everybody."
"Mom! Mom! Guess what!" shouted Chris as he ran into the room, "Connie D'amico invited me to her party!"
"Wow, swing and a miss," said Zack.
"Look honey, it'll be alright," said Lois.
"I hate my life and everyone in it!" sobbed Meg.
"I'm sure the party won't be that great anyway," said Lois.
"I wish I would just die!" sobbed Meg.
"Well I... whatever," said Lois as she gave up.
"Meg, forget about stupid Connie and her stupid party," said Zack, "We'll spend the night together. Just you and me, watching a movie together, and cuddling just like we used to."
"Thanks Zack," said Meg as she kissed him, "But I just wanted to actually be with the other kids for once."
"Why don't you let me try talking to her," said Mrs. Lockhart.
"Good luck," said Lois, "You'd have to have as much patience as Zack to even want to be in the same room as her."
"This coming from someone who's married to a shaved gorilla," retorted Zack, "The only difference being that an unshaved gorilla has more maturity and manners."
"Meg, I know what it's like to not be invited to things," said Mrs. Lockhart.
"No you don't," sobbed Meg, "You don't know what it's like to be a loser like me?"
"Actually, I do know what it's like," said Mrs. Lockhart.
"You do?" asked Meg.
"Yes, I do," nodded Mrs. Lockhart, "Believe it or not, Meg, when I was around your age I was just like you. I want to show you something," she said as she pulled a photo from between her breasts, "This was me during my sophomore year."
In her photo, Mrs. Lockhart was flat chested, wore braces, had goofy looking pigtails, and pimples.
"Wow, you looked so... lame," said Meg.
"I know," said Mrs. Lockhart, "I was so lame, I made Millhouse from the Simpsons look like Rick James. I was always picked on by the popular girls because of my nerdy appearance. Do you know what happened?"
"Your breasts somehow grew overnight?" asked Meg.
"No these aren't re- I mean yes!" lied Mrs. Lockhart, "But you know what else happened? I gained confidence. I told myself that I was special whether people liked it or not."
"But I'm not special at all," said Meg.
"It's true," said Lois, "She really isn't."
"Not with that attitude, you're not," said Mrs. Lockhart, "Everyone is special in their own way. You should be able to go into the world and say
and say 'Hey, I'm Meg Griffin! I can go to any party I want!"
"I'm Meg Griffin," said Meg quietly to herself, "I can go to any party I want."
"Say it louder!" shouted Mrs. Lockhart.
"I'm Meg Griffin!" said Meg louder and surer, "I can go to any party I want!"
"Now say it stronger!" shouted Mrs. Lockhart.
"I'M MEG FUCKING GRIFFIN!" shouted Meg, "I CAN GO TO ANY FUCKING PARTY I FUCKING WANT!"
"Okay, a little TOO strong, but you get the idea," said Mrs. Lockhart, "Now, you go out there and show them who you are!"
"Zack, take me to Connie's house!" demanded Meg.
"You're the boss," said Zack as he and Meg left the house, "Wait, did she just say they're fake?"
"I believe she's going to do just fine," said Mrs. Lockhart.
"No... no she won't," said Peter.
A little later, Zack and Meg arrive at the D'amico residence.
"Well, here goes nothing," said Meg, "Wish me luck."
"You do that," said Zack, "Knowing Connie, I'll keep the car running."
Meg then leaves the car and confidently walks up to Connie's door, banging on it very loudly. As Connie opens the door, the sound of loud music and merry time merriment boomed from behind her.
"Well if it isn't Meg Griffin, the only loser we didn't invite because you're that big of a loser," said Connie, "Did you come to become uninvited to a party you weren't invited to in the first place?"
"Listen up, Connie," said Meg sternly, "I'm Meg Griffin and I can go to any party I want so I'm gonna go in there and have fun wether you invited me or not."
"...Congratulations, Meg," said Connie impressed, "You're in."
"And another thing, I- what?" asked Meg in confusion.
"You stood up to me," said Connie, "That was your invitation."
"Wait, you mean all this you've been mean to me is because you wanted me to stand up to you?" asked Meg.
"No, I was being an ass to you before," said Connie, "But I wanted to see if you'd have a backbone this time. Come on in and have fun."
A few hours later, Meg leaves the party and returns to the car where she sees that Zack had fallen asleep on the steering wheel. As soon as he hear Meg shut the door, he bolts right up from his slumber.
"AH! I'm awake!" he said in surprise as he looked at his watch, "What the hell? It took you 3 hours to get rejected for a party?"
"No, Mrs. Lockhart's advice worked!" said Meg, "Connie actually let me in!"
"Really? That's great," said Zack, "Glad to see you actually got something for a change."
"I haven't been this happy since I gave birth to Maddie," said Meg.
A little over a year ago at the hospital, in the waiting room...
"OH MY GOD!" screamed Meg from the delivery room, "OH MY GOD! NOBODY TOLD ME HAVING A BABY WOULD HURT SO MUCH!"
"Just keep pushing!" said Dr. Hartman from the delivery room.
"YOU DID THIS TO ME!" screamed Meg, "I HATE YOU!!! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!"
"Meg, just calm down!" said Zack as the sound of him getting hit is heard, "This is just the work of bringing new life."
"SHUT UP! I DON'T WANT ANYMORE KIDS, YOU HEAR ME?!" screamed Meg as she was throwing things at him, "THIS HURTS SO BAAAAD!"
"GOD! SOMEBODY GET HER SOME MORPHINE!" shouted Zack as more things were thrown at him, "NOW!!!"
One week later, the local mail man was doing his routine mail delivery down Spooner Street. He arrives at the Griffin house to deliver their mail, but unbeknownst to him Stewie was hiding in the bushes.
"That's it fool... come a little closer...," said Stewie.
As the mail man steps in front of the mailbox, his leg is suddenly snagged by a rope which quickly pulls his and leaves him dangling over a kiddie pool filled with circling sharks.
"Step into my parlor, said the genius baby to the mailman!" said Stewie menacingly, "So you thought you could outsmart Stewie Griffin, did you? You made a mistake, my friend. A DEADLY mistake!"
"You're Stewie Griffin?" asked the mailman as he tossed him a box, "I ask because I have a package for you."
"Oh my god! The batarang!" said Stewie with joy as he ran into the house, "Maddie, it's here! It's here!"
"You think you can get me down from here, little guy?" asked the mailman as the rope lowered, "...Little guy?"
Inside the house, Maddie was sitting on the couch watching TV as Stewie burst in holding the box in excitement.
"It's finally arrived!" said Stewie, "The batarang that we ordered a week ago after eating 4 boxes of cereal except the 5th because you threw up and I got a sugar induced seizure but we sent it anyway for shipping and handling and waited for days and days and days and days for has finally arrived!"
"At last! Bear witness as we enter a new era, of batarang awesomeness!" said Maddie as she was struggling to open the box.
"You open boxes like a girl, let me try!" said Stewie as he struggled to open the box as well, "C'mon! Open!... I SAID OPEN, DAMN YOU!"
"If I open boxes like a girl, then you open them like an effeminate man!" said Maddie, "5 of them!"
"I think we may have a problem," said Stewie.
"Wait! Give me the box," said Maddie, "I just had a wise idea."
Maddie and Stewie arrive at the D'amico house and ring the doorbell.
"'Ello?" asked Eliza as Maddie slammed the box over her head.
"Well, I'm not one to question the use of unnecessary violence," said Stewie "But, how was that supposed to help us open the box?"
"We were still doing that thing?" asked Maddie.
Later that afternoon as Lois, Peter, Zack, Jillian, and Mrs. Lockhart were watching TV, Meg and Chris come in through the front door.
"Hi kids," said Lois, "How was school today?"
"I actually had a good time," said Meg, "At lunch today-"
"Meg, it's rude to interrupt your brother," said Lois, "Chris, how was school today?"
"It was awesome!" said Chris, "We got a new teacher today."
"Oh really?" asked Jillian bitterly, "Tell me, did she have bigger breasts than mine?"
"...He was a dude," said Chris.
"BREAST PENIS WHATEVER!" shouted Jillian.
"Doesn't anyone want to hear about my day?" asked Meg.
"No," said Peter.
"I do," said Mrs. Lockhart, "How was your day, Meg?"
"It was incredible," said Meg, "When I was walking down the hall, Connie actually said what's up to me without adding lard butt and it's all thanks to you."
"That's wonderful! Isn't that wonderful?" asked Mrs. Lockhart.
"Oh yeah, that's wonderful," said Peter, "...Now people will actually know who she is while they ignore her."
Lois and Peter then snicker at said comment.
"Parent of the year material right here, folks," said Zack sarcastically.
"I also want to mention that tonight I'll be in the school play," said Meg, "We're doing an adaption of Hamlet and guess which part I landed."
"The pig?" asked Peter, "Wait. Hamlet's not about a pig, is it?"
"I got the part of Queen Gertrude," said Meg, "So who's going to come see me?"
"I can't come," said Zack, "I'm stuck working the night shift at the Brewery. And you probably shouldn't bring Maddie, either since Hamlet can be pretty violent. But compared to the stuff she sees on TV, it'll be Sesame Street in comparison."
"Well, maybe mom and dad could come," said Meg.
"..." Lois and Peter just look at Meg in silence.
"I'll be there," said Mrs. Lockhart.
"Really?" asked Meg.
"I'll be in the front row," said Mrs. Lockhart, "You have my support."
"Thank you," said Meg as she hugged her and left.
"Why aren't you two coming to your own daughter's play?" asked Mrs. Lockhart.
"Why would we want to do that?" asked Peter.
"Because she's you daughter," said Mrs. Lockhart, "That's what parents are supposed to do."
"Are you questioning our parenting skills?" asked Lois offended.
"Oh, that's what you call it now?" asked Zack dryly, "And all this time I thought it was blatant negligence. Boy was I wrong."
"What's with all the sarcasm all of a sudden?" asked Peter.
"I'm trying to get my wit back," said Zack, "Something I lost since I starting hanging with you too much."
"Well, knock it off," said Peter, "It's making you look like a bigger jerk than that new guy who hung with us that one night at the bar."
Peter and his pals were hanging out at the Drunken Clam.
"How about we play a drinking game," said Peter, "All in favor?"
"Aye!" said everyone in the room.
"All opposed?" asked Peter.
Naaaaaaaaaaay!" neighed a horse.
"Alright, you know what?" asked Peter annoyed, "You've been trying to shoot down every idea I've made tonight."
"Yeah, can't you agree on SOMETHING?" asked Quagmire.
"NAAAY! NAAAAAAAY! NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" neighed the horse.
"Just what the hell is your problem, anyway?" asked Peter in an irritated tone.
"I've been telling you drunks for the past 3 hours already!" said Zack, "He's a fucking horse!"
"I know he's a jerk and he's ugly, but there is no need for name calling," said Peter.
"Ugh! I give up!" exasperated Zack as he walked out of the bar, "I don't even know why I bother hanging with you morons!"
"Wow, he sounded ticked," said Joe.
"We'll wait for Zack to cool off," said Peter, "All in favor?"
"Aye!" said everyone in the room.
"All opposed?" asked Peter.
"NAAAAAY!" neighed the horse.
"That's it! You're now the designated driver!" said Peter angrily.
Meanwhile at city hall in the mayor's office, Mayor Adam West was in his office doing mayorly things when Stewie and Maddie walk in carrying their box.
"Stewie, Lyla, come in," greeted Mayor West, "What brings you two unsupervised underaged children to my office?"
"Mr. West, we ordered this batarang," said Maddie, "The problem is that we can't open the box."
"Wow, that is a big problem indeed, Tammy," said West.
"We were wondering that since you sponsored it, you'd know how to open it," said Maddie.
"You've come to the right person," said West, "Boxes are a tricky specimen so such in order to open the box, you must outsmart the box."
"What the hell are you babbling about?" asked Stewie, "It's a bloody box for God's sake!"
"That's what it wants you to think with it's unsuspecting 6 sides and 8 corners," said West, "But it's not fooling us for a second, is it?"
"...No?" asked Maddie a little frightened.
"Exactly," said West, "And to outsmart the box, you need to get inside it's mind. You distract it while I sneak up behind it and take it by surprise."
"Um... okay," said Maddie.
Adam West crawls and commando rolls his way across the room and behind the box. He slowly sneaks up behind it and...
"BOO!" shouted West as the box- did absolutely nothing, "...Well, I've got nothing."
"Well, thanks anyway Mr. West," said Maddie as she and Stewie grabbed their box and left.
"And people voted for that man?" asked Stewie in disgust.
"It's still a smarter decision than voting for Bush," said Maddie.
Later that night, Lois and Peter were sitting on the couch watching TV again as Meg and Mrs. Lockhart walk into the house, discussing the play.
"You were wonderful, Meg," said Mrs. Lockhart, "Simply wonderful."
"So how goes the... thing?" asked Lois.
"Meg was great," said Mrs. Lockhart, "At first she wasn't doing well until she saw me in the front row. She seemed to have gained some confidence because I showed up. And she's a pretty good actress, too."
"Mrs. Lockhart gave me some acting tips," said Meg, "She taught me how I could use my bulimia to vomit blood. It made my death scene look much more realistic."
"You died in the play?" asked Peter, "Aaaawwww. I wanted to see Meg die in the play."
"Her? But why didn't you ask me?" asked Lois, "I directed for the theater once."
"Because when I did, you and dad just pointed and laughed at me," said Meg, "But Mrs. Lockhart was a good teacher. Anyway, I'm going to bed."
Meg and Mrs. Lockhart walk upstairs to their bedrooms as Brian walks downstairs into the living room.
"Interesting," said Brian.
"What do you mean by that?" asked Lois.
"Meg seems to be doing better with Mrs. Lockhart. You could say that she's being a better parent to her than you," said Brian, "...Of course that isn't hard."
"What was that?" asked Lois.
"Nothing," said Brian, "Zack said it. Him making one of his smartass quips again."
"Zack is at work," said Lois.
"Well, would you look at the time!" said Brian, "I'm gonna go sleep in Stewie's room, goodnight!"
Later that night in the dead of the night, Lois begins to toss and turn in her bed mumbling something under her breath. When she slowly opens her eyes, she finds that she's suddenly outside in a desert. Confused, she tried to move, but can't. She turns to see that she's tied up on what appeared to be a catapult.
"What's going on here?" asked Lois in a panic.
"The catapult's almost ready, mother," said Meg.
"Excellent, Megan," said Mrs. Lockhart.
"Wait, what's going on?" asked Lois.
"We're getting rid of you, Lois," said Meg, "Mrs. Lockhart is my mother now.
"Meg, you can't do this to me!" pleaded Lois, "I'm your mother!"
"Oh please," said Meg, "Lana here has been more of a mother to me in a week than you have in the past 4 seasons!"
"The catapult is ready, Megan," said Mrs. Lockhart.
"Thanks mom," said Meg, "Goodbye, Lois!"
"MEG! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Lois as Meg cut the rope, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!"
Lois then found herself in the comfort of her own bed in a cold sweat. It had all just been a dream. A horrible, horrible dream. The next morning, Lois talks to Brian, Zack, and Peter about her dream.
"Wow, that's pretty intense," said Brian.
"What do you think it could mean?" asked Lois.
"I don't know," said Peter, "But your dream sounds even freakier than the time I thought I died,"
Peter and Brian were at the breakfast table one morning. Peter was reading the newspaper, when he suddenly starts freaking out.
"Oh my God, Brian! I'm dead!" shouted Peter in horror.
"Peter, that's Peter Q. Griffin from Ohio," said Brian as he read the obituaries.
"Oh," said Peter as he continued to read the paper.
"I'm not a dream interpreter by any means," said Brian, "But I think it may have to do with Mrs. Lockhart and Meg spending more time together. It may be jealousy."
"You're saying I'm jealous of Mrs. Lockhart?" asked Lois, "Why? I mean, it's just Meg."
"Lois, it's kind of like when a kid doesn't play with his toy anymore," said Zack, "But when another kid comes in to play with it, the kid who doesn't play with it suddenly says 'You can't play with that because it's mine'."
"My situation is nothing like that," said Lois.
"You weren't this jealous until Mrs. Lockhart showed up," pointed out Zack, "What about when you gave up on helping Meg's social problem? What about how you didn't show up to Meg's play?"
"You didn't, either," said Lois.
"But I had an excuse," said Zack, "I was working and you just didn't want to show up."
"Well, what do I do about it?" asked Lois.
"Maybe you could try being a better mother to Meg," said Brian, "Try doing something that only you two can do together."
"But do it because you want to," said Zack, "Not because you want to one up Mrs. Lockhart, but because you actually love and care for Meg."
"But how? Everything Meg does is boring and depressing," said Lois as Zack arched an eyebrow, "Now I'm getting what you're saying."
Later that day in the living room, Meg was sitting in the living room watching TV when Lois comes in and sits down next to her.
"Mom, what are you doing?" asked Meg.
"What? Can't I, your mother, watch TV with my own daughter?" asked Lois.
"It's a free country," shrugged Meg.
"So what are we watching?" asked Lois.
"The 40 Year Old Virgin," said Meg.
"Oooh, the 40 Year Old Virgin," said Lois, "So you like this movie?"
"Sure, I guess," shrugged Meg.
"You know what would be fun?" asked Lois, "If we both did the 'You know how I know you're gay' scene."
"No thanks," said Meg.
"C'mon, don't be such a wet blanket," said Lois.
"I'm trying to watch the movie," said Meg.
"You know how I know you're gay?" asked Lois.
"Mom, I can't hear the movie!" complained Meg.
"I know you're gay because you think about Connie a lot," chuckled Lois, "Okay, now your turn.
"Mom?" asked Meg.
"Yes, Meg?" asked Lois.
"Shut up," said Meg.
"Okay, Meg, I'm ready," said Mrs. Lockhart.
Much to Lois's shock and horror, Mrs. Lockhart was wearing the same green shirt, beige pants, and shoes that Lois wore. It was like looking in a mirror. A funhouse mirror that had funbags and blonde hair.
"Are those my clothes?" asked Lois.
"I hope you don't mind me borrowing your clothes," said Mrs. Lockhart, "Mine are in the washer."
"No, not at all," said Lois irritated, "Not at all. Where are you going?"
"Mrs. Lockhart is taking me to Lake Quahog to pick some apples," said Meg, "She knows this really great spot that has the best apples."
"I always promised myself that if I had kids, I'd take them there someday," said Mrs. Lockhart, "But since I don't have any, Meg is the closest thing really."
"Well... I'm coming along, too," said Lois.
"You can't!" said Meg panicky, "I mean, it was just gonna be me and Mrs. Lockhart."
"What, you can't let you own MOTHER be around to help you pick apples?" asked Lois.
"I suppose she's right," said Mrs. Lockhart, "She is your mother, after all."
"Fine, just let me get my stuff," said Meg in a disappointed tone.
As she leaves the room to go upstairs, Brian walks past her into the room and then stops to notice that both Mrs. Lockhart and Lois standing next to each other wearing the same clothes.
"Uhh..." said Brian in shock.
"Is something wrong Brian?" asked Lois.
"Um, no!" said Brian, "In fact everything's perfect. Mind if I take a picture of you two."
"Sure, I guess," said Lois.
Both Lois and Mrs. Lockhart pose as Brian takes a snapshot.
"Now can you both fondle each other while French kissing?" asked Brian.
"What?" asked Mrs. Lockhart.
"Nothing," said Brian quickly.
Meanwhile at Jillian's apartment, Maddie and Stewie were inside Tilly and CJ's room explaining their dilemma.
"So you can't open a box," said Tilly, "And you decided to come to me for help."
"No, we came here because we decided to take up incest and needed a third- OF COURSE WE CAME FOR HELP!" shouted Stewie.
"Can you open it, Till?" asked Maddie.
"That box won't stand a chance against my new laser," said Tilly as she propped the box onto a table, "Goggles on."
As the children put on their goggles, Tilly gives CJ the signal to throw the switch. As he does so, a laser beam hits the box. After a few seconds, nothing happens.
"It's not working!" said CJ.
"Increase the laser frequency to 1000 Hz," said Tilly.
"But cap'n, I don't think she can take!" shouted CJ in a Scottish accent.
"I SAID DO IT!" shouted Tilly.
As CJ does so, the laser begins to shake violently until it explodes.
"...Told you she couldn't take it," said CJ.
"No matter," said Tilly, "We still have thousands of tools at our disposal.
One hour latter, many broken and battered tools such as a hacksaw, a robot, and other inventions laid strewn on the floor. Tilly was beginning to become frustrated at the constant failure.
"I don't understand this at all!" said Tilly in frustration, "I have an IQ of 300! I can build cloners, dimensional gateways, gene splicers, molecule shifters, and a handheld atom splitter! I can calculate the next 50 lunar eclipses just by looking at the position of a full moon in the night sky! WHY CAN'T I OPEN A STUPID BOX WITH CHEAP DOLLAR STORE PACKAGING TAPE ON IT?!?!"
"Tilly, just calm down!" said Stewie.
"NO! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" shouted Tilly as she grabbed a bat and started beating the box repeatedly, "I. HATE. THIS. STUPID. BOX. I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!"
"Wow, I think Tilly lost it," said Maddie, "It's scaring me."
"I know said Stewie," said Stewie, "She's scaring me more than that Charlie Brown Halloween Special."
In a dark pumpkin patch, Linus and the rest of the Peanuts gang were once again waiting for the Great Pumpkin to show up.
"Linus, you blockhead," complained Lucy, "Every year it's the same thing. If I wanted to be disappointed, I'd french kiss Charlie Brown."
"Look! There he is!" shouted Linus pointing to the pumpkin patch, "There he is! The great pumpkin!"
Far into the pumpkin patch, a shadowy figure was slowly rising from the pumpkin patch. The figure, however, was just old man Herbert wearing a pumpkin mask.
"That's right kids. I'm the Great Pumpkin," said Herbert, "Now if you boys would do so kindly as to follow me into that shack, I'll give you lots of presents."
"YAAAAAAAAAY!" shouted the boys as they followed Herbert into the shack.
"Why didn't he invite the girls?" asked Sally confused.
Meanwhile at the woods near Lake Quahog, the girls were in the woods near the lake, picking apples from an apple tree.
"These apples are so ripe" observed Meg, "How do you know about these apple trees?"
"Yes, oh big breasted one," said Lois dryly, "Tell us."
"When I was little girl I came here to pick apples," said Mrs. Lockhart, "I'd collect them and use them to bake a pie for my mother."
"Well, I think I know who I'll be baking a pie for," said Meg.
"Grrrr!" growled Lois as she angrily tosses an apple at Mrs. Lockhart's direction.
The apple, however, hits Meg smack dab on the eye causing her glasses to fly off and giving her a black eye in the process.
"OW!!! What the hell's wrong with you?!" said Meg as she held onto her eye.
"Oh my God! I'm sorry, Meg," said Lois, "I guess you could say you're the apple of my eye?"
"Not funny!" said Meg.
"C'mon, Meg," said Mrs. Lockhart, "Let's get the first aid kit."
"Thanks, Mrs. Lockhart," said Meg gratefully.
"I give up," said Lois in defeat, "No matter what I do, Mrs. Lockhart makes me look bad. She's stolen Meg from me like how Bob the Builder's job was stolen by that illegal immigrant."
At a construction site, Bob the builder was doing some work on his bulldozer.
"Can we fix it?" asked Bob the builder.
"Yes we can!" said his bulldozer.
"Bob, can you come here for a second?" asked the foreman.
"What's going on?" asked Bob.
"Listen... um, we can't afford to keep you here," said the foreman.
"Wha... what do you mean?" asked Bob.
"You and your tools are out of here," said the Foreman, "We just can't afford to keep you with this economy and everything. Besides, we gave your job to someone else."
"Who?" asked Bob.
"Hola," said Handy Manny as he walked in with his toolbox.
"He just came from Mexico. He's good for the increasing Hispanic community," said the foreman, "He also comes with his own tools and works for less."
"Mexico, huh?" asked Bob, "Can I see his green card."
"SECURITY!" shouted the foreman.
"No! No! I wanna see this guy's green card!" shouted Bob as he was being dragged away by security.
Meanwhile in Stewie and Maddie's room, both toddlers just look on sadly at the box. Feeling a mixture of frustration, anger, and sadness, Maddie tosses the box out the window. When she does so, a faint thud noise could be heard.
"Ow!" said Brian from outside.
He walks upstairs and into their room with one hand on the box and one hand on his bruised head.
"I believe this is yours?" asked Brian.
"Get that accursed thing away from us," said Stewie in anger and despair, "It only serves as a reminder that mocks us of it's batarang awesomeness."
"Just what's going on here anyway?" asked Brian.
"We sent in 5 proofs of purchases plus shipping and handling for a batarang," whimpered Maddie, "But we can't get the box open. We tried asking Mr. West and Tilly but they couldn't and now we're stuck with a box will never ever open WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" she sobbed loudly.
"I... just... wanted... to... play... with... my... batarang... WAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!" sobbed Stewie.
As both children cried very loudly, Brian quietly pulls out a small pocket knife, cuts the tape off, opens the box and tosses the kids their batarang.
"Go nuts," said Brian as he tosses the box away and leaves the room.
Stewie and Maddie wipe the tears from their eyes and look at the batarang in all it's batty glory.
"BATARANG!" shouted Stewie and Maddie with glee.
They then take their newfound batarang and run downstairs and to the backyard.
"Let's see what this baby can do!" said Stewie triumphantly.
He gives the batarang a good toss and as it spins across the air, it quickly slams against a tree and breaks in two. The children could only stare in shock. The item for which they waited a week for, which took them days to just open, had broken in front of them.
"..The piece of shit broke!" complained Stewie.
Maddie then looks on and takes a closer look at the batarang.
"This thing's made of cheap plastic!" said Maddie, "I risked giving myself diabetes for this piece of crap?"
"Un fucking believable," said Stewie.
"Hell, if my baby teeth had grown in, the dentists would have a field day at the sight of my mouth," complained Maddie, "That's how much friggin' cereal I ate!"
"I suppose this has taught us a valuable lesson," said Stewie, "From now on I am never going to order anything from a cereal box ever again."
"Me neither," said Maddie as a discarded cereal box caught her eye, "Hey look! If we can submit 6 proofs of purchase plus shipping and handling, we can get a free Green Lantern ring!"
"What are we waiting for?" asked Stewie, "Clip the bar code so we only have to get 5 more boxes!"
Meanwhile upstairs in Lois' bedroom, Lois is going through an old family album. She flips through many pictures of Meg, including her baby pictures, her child pictures and some recent pictures. She looks through some family photos, but notices that Meg has been vandalized on it with a speech bubble that states "I suck. Peter rulez.".
"I'm having my photos laminated from now on," said Lois to herself.
Downstairs, everyone else was saying goodbye to Mrs. Lockhart.
"Good luck with your new house, Mrs. Lockhart," said Maddie, "I promise I won't blow up this one."
"I'm sure you won't," chuckled Mrs. Lockhart.
"Goodbye, Mrs. Lockhart," said Meg, "And thanks for helping me."
"Just remember to take care of yourself, alright?" asked Mrs. Lockhart as she got into her car and drove away.
"I'm gonna miss those boobs," said Peter, "I mean that teacher."
A little bit later, Lois was sitting in the living room watching TV when Meg walks up to her holding a pie.
"Nice pie," said Lois, "I suppose you're going to give it to your new mother Mrs. Lockhart. I can't believe 14 years of parenting all down the drain to some blonde with-"
"Mom, this pie is for you," said Meg, "...And I'm 17!"
"For me?" asked Lois confused, "Why me? I mean, I kept messing up and Mrs. Lockhart was acting like a better mother than me."
"Mrs. Lockhart is a pretty good mother figure," said Meg, "But she isn't my mother. I wanted her to take me to get apples so I could make YOU a pie."
"Come again?" asked Lois.
"Mrs. Lockhart reminded me of you," said Meg, "Before things changed. How you were always there for me, how much you loved and cared about me."
"I guess I have been giving into Peter's peer pressure lately," said Lois, "I guess he really is a bad influence. Just look at what he did to Zack. Maybe we can try to get our relationship on the right foot again."
"I love you, mom," said Meg as she hugged her.
"I uhhhh you..." said Lois before she stopped and thought for a moment, "I love you too, sweetie."
Meg smiled after hearing that. It seemed that Meg was no longer the butt monkey, at least in Lois's eyes anymore. To celebrate, they both decided to have some of her apple pie.
"Wow, Meg," said Lois, "This is some really good pie."
"You know how I know you're gay?" asked Meg.
"How?" asked Lois.
"You like eating your daughter's pie," said Meg.
"You wanna know how I know you're gay?" asked Lois.
"How?" asked Meg.
"You're always wearing a hat," said Lois
"You know how I know you're gay?" asked Meg.
"How?" asked Lois.
"When you were invited in a threesome and they warned you that you'd touch another girl, you said yes anyway," said Meg.
"...One time that happened," said Lois.